Need some advice.

[cath-hater]

So I had a failed transplant last September.  The kidney is still inside me and does still produce urine, but I'm spilling alot of protein because my FSGS pretty much screwed up the glomeri(s) and can't filter properly.  Anyhow, I got a call from my transplant center telling me that they have a letter for me from the donor family and asked if I wanted to receive it. I told them yes.

Today I got the letter and I read it.  It was the mother of the guy who donated. It was a cadaveric kidney.  So the mother says she like to her from me in hopes that it will put her and her family at peace with there lost.

My dilemma is if I reply, I would only have bad news being that my transplant failed and that her sons kidney is deteriorating inside me.

Should I just ignore it and let it be?  Or should I reply out of courtesy and what should I say?

[lmunchkin]

Personally, If it were my child's kidney, I would want to know so as to have closure!  Just be honest and the rest will take care of itself!  Hope that helps!

Will be praying for you   

lmunchkin       

[noahvale]

*

[rsudock]

The family gave you a precious gift that gave you some relief from dialysis, so in return tell them how grateful you are and how it has changed your life. I personally would tell a fib so that they feel some closure....no need to hurt them by telling them the kidney failed. They did a kindness for you, now do one for them. Just my two cents!

xo,
R

[MooseMom]

Well, this is spooky.  Just about an hour ago, my mind was doing its usual wandering, and I started to wonder how I would feel if I had given someone a kidney only to find out that it had failed.  I had been thinking about how difficult it was emotionally to be waiting for a kidney, and then I imagined what it would feel like to be a donor and to know that I had pretty much saved someone's life.  And then I thought about how I would feel I found out that my kidney failed the recipient.  I felt pretty awful as I imagined that scenario.  Imagining what I would feel like if I knew that my deceased son's kidney failed wouldn't feel any better.  So, I was mulling over all of that, and then I read this thread.

I agree with Noah...do respond, but you do not have to tell her that the kidney is failing.  You do not have to lie.  Just tell her that you are very grateful for such a wonderful gift and for her compassion for another human being in the face of such a devastating loss.  All of that would be true.

It's nice of you to consider her feelings.  

[lmunchkin]

All of what MM & Rudsock say may be true, but what if she wants to come see you or for you to come visit her?  It is a tough decision, but even in this situation with this disease, truth will hurt but it is freeing!  It is very difficult situation you are in for sure!  But I prefer the honesty even if it hurts!  IMO.  What if she found out through another source after you had choose not to tell her?  Like I said, this if very difficult for you.  Im praying for you!



lmunchkin     

P.S. I do agree with Noah in having someone help you to draft a letter to help you communicate this to her!

[CHeatherS]

Wow, what a difficult issue to have to deal with.  But I do like what others have said thus far.  I have been waiting for over a year with a potential donor that I haven't ever met face to face..... and we have a date for the end of August to do the transplant in far away Seattle, Me in Alaska, her in Indiana.  All alone I have been telling her that just the offer, alone, has been such an encouragement to me, that someone cares enough, beyond my imagination to understand.  Someone who didn't even know me very well, but through a discussion forum, where I was asking for prayer, and nothing else.  We have had stalls, failures etc. along the way, and now it's a go.  But we don't know what is around the corner. 

I guess I say all of this to say, the emphasis for you in contacting this person is to open your heart to this woman on what it means to you to have had that gift of hope, and love......  even if it did not fail, you wouldn't know if you had another few months, or 30 years.... nothing is really "sure" when it comes to our lives.  But love is always sure and for that you can be thankful.  Blessings as you communicate that to her, somehow. 

Love
Heather

[cath-hater]

Thanks for the responses. After reading them, I think I will write to the mother. It will take me some time to come up with the proper words. I don't want to tell her anything that will upset her or make her feel that her son's kidney was wasted on me.

If you guys don't mind, I would like to post my letter (when I'm done writing it) on here so you guys can read it and give your personal opinons on it. I know it's a personal thing, but you guys are like family anyways. And who better to critique my letter than the people on this forum?