For those who feel personally criticized...

[PatDowns]

Are You a Control Freak?

Take thus quiz and see how you rate:

1) Do you feel uncomfortable about acknowledging that someone else's opinion or way of doing something may be better than your own?

2) Being so wise, do you believe you know what is best for other people, your friends and family?

3) Do you like to share your wisdom often - offering advice whether it's asked for or not?

4) Do you worry that something is going to go wrong unless you keep an eye on it and have some control over events?

5) Do you feel threatened by other people's opposing opinions or attitudes?

6) Do you have an obsession about checking and re-checking the work you do, and the work others do?

7)Do you have to do everything yourself, because nobody else can do it as well as you... only you know how to do it properly?

8 ) What partners do you choose? Do you feel stressed or out of control in your relationships where give and take is required?

9) Have you lost previous partners because you want everything your way?

10) Is Bossy your middle name?

YOUR SCORE:
Mostly Yeses: You're probably a really nice person, and if everyone else understood that your need to control stemmed from your insecurities and fears, they'd cut you a little slack, yes? The problem is, with understanding or not, other people are going to become alienated unless you learn to "control" yourself! Stop trying to take over... practice being more flexible in your attitudes.

Mostly No's: What a confident soul you are! You know that despite what is going on around you, you realize that sometimes things will go wrong, this is life, and you are comfortable with trusting others to do their bit and comfortable with yourself knowing you have what it takes to deal with whatever comes your way.

So what is a control freak?
A control freak is somebody whose own insecurities and fears cause problems for those who have to work or live with them. Nobody likes to be stifled and told what to do by an "I know better" person.

Do you tell your partner who his or her friends should be? Are you comfortable about letting them go places on their own, and be with their friends - without you - or does this make you worry or feel jealous?M

Do you criticize your partner frequently?  Always finding faults? Do you get upset if your partner disagrees with you, having a totally different opinion on something important to you?

If you do, you are trying to control the relationship and your partner and this is unhealthy. This behavior will lose you many wonderful relationships unless you learn to deal with your insecurities, loosen up, and let go of the reins!

Are you the Boss from Hell?
So you're a Boss... do you insist everything be done your way, because after all, you're the boss, you're supposed to know best?

Are you short-tempered and lose your temper easily when mistakes are made? Do you suffer high levels of anxiety about the performance of your department, and feel the need to keep looking over everyone's shoulder to make sure they are doing it right (and probably doing it your way)?

If so, you are the Boss from Hell. Sorry, there is no nice way of putting it. You may be a very nice person, with many wonderful qualities, but again, it is your own lack of confidence, your own insecurities that cause you to be this way.

Seek help. Learn how to empower your employees, trust in them to know what to do, allow for mistakes - these are part of life - and like the controlling partner, learn to loosen the reins a little before you find nobody will work for you!

Chances are your employees cannot work under the conditions you impose upon them - loosen up and watch your department bloom!

And what if you're the victim?
And what if you are the partner of a control freak, or an employee of a control freak? How do you handle that?

Well first, keep in mind it is not personal! They do NOT have it in for you. They may even have the highest admiration for you.

But deep inside, they are a well of insecurity and fear, and when their anxiety levels rise, the only way they know how to deal with this is to take control to ensure everything remains smooth sailing... this is their thinking.

Don't despair - get help!
For many control freaks, their need to pretend that everything is "right" with their world and their way of doing things, and their need to give everyone the wisdom of their ways and opinions is a way of validating themselves... this stems from their insecurity.

If you are a control freak, don't despair, help is available. Seek it. By acknowledging that other people's ways of doing things, of being, of living, etc. is okay; you are not making yourself "less" in any way.

You are still okay. You will always be okay. You don't need to try to organize and control everything and everyone around you. Why don't you relax a little, try it and see.

If anything, you will find your live improves - let the proof that controlling others and every situation is not necessary for your success and happiness be the validation you need that everything is fine and so are you!

Copyright, Terri Levine

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Terri Levine, MCC, PCC, MS, CCC-SLP is the the President of Comprehensive Coaching U – The Professional's Coach Training Program, a a popular Master Certified personal and business Coach, a sought after public speaker, and author of bestsellers Stop Managing, Start Coaching, Work Yourself Happy, Coaching for an Extraordinary Life and Create Your Ideal Body. She can be contacted via the web site http://www.ComprehensiveCoachingU.com or by telephone: 215-699-4949.

Edited: Moved to proper section from Dialysis: General Discussion - okarol/admin

[WishIKnew]

thanks!  as a recovering control freak I found this helpful!!!!!  Is there a 12 step program?

[noahvale]

*

[kellyt]

I didn't take the "quiz", but I can relate to more than 1/2 of those.     I'm afraid to take the quiz...

[noahvale]

*

[okarol]

If you read the rules, it goes in off-topic except when it is dialysis related.

If you feel I am so inept, try starting your own forum. It is not easy to please everyone.

My issues?

Wow, one or two members do not speak for our whole forum.

Abusing my privilege of being an administrator? Are you kidding?? I took this job because 2 of our admins died. And I have done most of it alone the last year as my co-admin's work keeps him away from a computer a lot. That really hurts.

okarol/admin

[noahvale]

*

[glitter]

This subject doesn't mention dialysis does it?

Okarol does a fine job.

[monrein]

This is an off topic comment in a thread that is correctly in the off-topic section.  Okarol, thank you for the job you do keeping order on this board.

 Off-topic is not disrespectful in any way.  It's not saying that the thing posted isn't of interest to kidney patients...just that it's not dialysis or transplant related.  MM's post concerned trust about going to a dialysis unit and entrusting her medical care to the folks there I think...no?  What the heck am I missing?  And transplant games seems kinda connected to renal patients if you need a transplant to qualify. 

I truly believe that we ALL have issues...we're human.  However as a member of this forum I've never felt that Okarol's "issues" (I have no actual knowledge of what these might be, other than the usual suspects) get in the way of anything and her job is to try to maintain order on the site.  As for closed minded, now I'm really confused.  This has definitely not been my experience and I've been around here a while now.  I've experienced her as caring, compassionate and understanding of people's circumstances as different as those can be.
She is also one of the best advocates for kidney patients, their voices and the "issues" that affect them, the renal community is richer for having her in it although I sure wish that she had not had the experience of having her daughter be one of us.

So, that's my  and if anyone wants to disagree, that's fine by me, we'll agree to disagree.  Keep your head up Okarol and here's a big hug from me.   

[jbeany]

you have moved it to an out of the way location where someone who could actually benefit from the info probably will never see.

noah, if you want to see all new posts, regardless of section, just hit the Show unread posts options above.  Every new post or post with a new response shows up in one list.  Then you never miss anything.

I'm in total agreement with monrein.  Noah, the fastest way to have no one to do a thankless job is to tell everyone they can't do it right.  Umm, and you might want to read and actually take the quiz, too.

[Ang]

keep up the fantastic work you do/have done OKAROL

[Chris]

@ OKarol - Relocated to "Off Topic?"  This has nothing to do with kidney patients?  In a short period,  two members have already found this topic to be helpful.  Yet, because of your own issues, you have moved it to an out of the way location where someone who could actually benefit from the info probably will never see.  How sad and petty of you - not to mention abusing the privilege of being an administrator.  Just my opinion.

If one has settings correct, they will still get notifications of a thread that has been moved and it will still be displayed in Unread post at the top of the screen next to avatar.
 
I would also say it is ludacris to say that Okarol has issues, abusing privledges, especially coming from such a new member who hasn't been here very long. It seems more like you have control issues with questioning many issues from post I have seen. Before you start critisizing, learn forum rules and read some old post to get to know how things work around here  before jumping in the deep end and complain.

[Zach]

Running a forum is a lot more work than most of us realize.
And keeping it organized has always been a thankless job.

I remember Epoman was given a hard time by some members who objected to his moving threads to their proper location.  He was also criticized by a few when he urged members to take the time to proof their posts.

But without such rules and organization a forum can become a nightmare for users.
Perhaps we need a thread "For people who feel personally hurt when threads are moved ..."

[kitkatz]

@ OKarol - Relocated to "Off Topic?"  This has nothing to do with kidney patients?  In a short period,  two members have already found this topic to be helpful.  Yet, because of your own issues, you have moved it to an out of the way location where someone who could actually benefit from the info probably will never see.  How sad and petty of you - not to mention abusing the privilege of being an administrator.  Just my opinion.

If I had seen this post in the general topics discussion area I would have moved it as a moderator.  As for arguing with the admin, not a good idea.  Epoman ruled this forum with an iron hand. HE did not put up with anyone questioning what he did as an admin here. Be warned.  Here is a link to the forums rules. Please go acquaint yourself with them http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=540.0


kitkatz,Moderator

[Stoday]

I'm amazed that noahvale should get so upset by such a trivial issue. I hesitate to think what he'd have in mind had Okarol deleted the post. Death row? 

FFS it's just an amusing quiz such as would be dreamed up by any second rate journalist to help fill the local newspaper. I score one yes and nine noes, which is supposed to mean that I'm a nice person.     

[aharris2]

@ OKarol - Relocated to "Off Topic?"  This has nothing to do with kidney patients?  In a short period,  two members have already found this topic to be helpful.  Yet, because of your own issues, you have moved it to an out of the way location where someone who could actually benefit from the info probably will never see.  How sad and petty of you - not to mention abusing the privilege of being an administrator.  Just my opinion.

If I had seen this post in the general topics discussion area I would have moved it as a moderator.  As for arguing with the admin, not a good idea.  Epoman ruled this forum with an iron hand. HE did not put up with anyone questioning what he did as an admin here. Be warned.  Here is a link to the forums rules. Please go acquaint yourself with them http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=540.0

kitkatz,Moderator

KITKATZ!!!     

Okarol, as a long time member of this forum I thank you for the extraordinary dedication you have shown in keeping Epoman's dream alive. With all that you have on your plate you still volunteer the time needed to keep this site up and running smoothly, not to mention being a very active participant in the forums.

In the face of unwarranted and inappropriate criticism, okarol, you have exhibited amazing restraint! This is for you 

[RealityCheck]

This board is called "I hate Dialysis" and clearly announces itself as a forum to vent criticism, frustration, pain, disappointment.  In fact, that's its only reason for being.  If people want to talk about the positives of being on dialysis, there are other boards.

So when newbies complain that people posting negatives about dialysis providers are disturbing to them, I personally am concerned.  I come here wanting to have open discussion about the negatives of the economics of dialysis and particularly how it impacts patients.  But I do not want to add to the insecurity and anxiety of dialysis patients.  What to do?

When the thread was shut down before this VERY core issue could be processed by the group, it was obvious these are personal issues of the moderators, who have lost sight of the mission and development of thought in the forum.  I think it's sad, but this is what happens on every board on the internet that is moderated by people who have good intentions but no experience really dealing with world views and thought systems unlike their own.   I have seen it. 

Thank you Pat and Noah for having the integrity to respect the strength and intelligence of patients to confront these unsettling issues.

[Sluff]

noahvale

I think you are having problems with control issues and need to find intervention. The last time I looked Okarol had 26743 posts on this forum and has spent 167 days, 6 hours and 24 minutes  as a moderator and then appointed Admin by me, so that ungrateful, rude and egotystical people can come to this forum and think they are going to change the way things are done around here in less than 200 posts. I will not allow this to happen. This site is here for people who need it, not for those who already know everything such as yourself. I suggest you stay on the topic of ESRD and dialysis. I  will not ask again. All the hours and days on this site by our moderators and admins are strictly donated, nobody gets paid to do this thankless job. So to make it easy, this site was created by Epoman, and I was invited to become an admin and then I asked Okarol to be an admin. This is the number 1 dialysis site in the world, so we must be doing something right. I really don't care if you are a member or not, but IHD is here if you need it in the form and manner you see. Take it or leave it.

Reality Check, Seeing how you have a whopping 30 post count I guess that makes you the authority of what is best for IHD. I got news for you. It doesn't.

Sluff/Admin

[MooseMom]

I am happy to report that I do not feel personally criticized/offended that someone thinks my "trust issues" thread perhaps should be moved (I did wonder that myself before I posted).  Any mod is welcome to move any of my blather to whichever corner of IHD they please!

I'm grateful to all of the mods for their hard work behind the scenes.  I'm also grateful for anyone who takes the time to post on IHD and to share their support and experience.  I'm particularly thankful to those who do this with respect and care.

I cannot count the times I have read something here on IHD that has upset me or frightened me, but that is not the fault of this forum.  Dialysis is a frightening proposition; it takes real courage to face this on a day to day basis.  Just as hard is this pre-dialysis waiting game...this process of being able to do so very little while your renal function slowly comes to a halt.  I also don't want to contribute to anyone's anxiety, and realitycheck is correct; it is hard to know if what you have to say is educating someone or is merely scaring them.  But we all take that chance when we either read or post on the internet.  We can't know the inner terrors of everyone we communicate with.  All we can do is try to be gentle with each other, to show each other some small mercy, to be kind and to refrain from taking offense when possible.  We all share a common horror.  The least we can do is care for one another as best we can.

[Zach]

This board is called "I hate Dialysis" and clearly announces itself as a forum to vent criticism, frustration, pain, disappointment.  In fact, that's its only reason for being.  If people want to talk about the positives of being on dialysis, there are other boards.

Actually, when Epoman founded this discussion board, he was interested in all points of view about dialysis --whether it be good, bad or indifferent.

Otherwise we wouldn't have such important threads about recipes, exercise, home hemo, and other things to improve our lives while on dialysis.  IHD is in many ways about 'let's rant together, and then try to solve our different problems with the help of this community.'

And yes, every so often we even have threads that address the positives one can see from being on dialysis.

[MooseMom]

Although I've never posted there, I do like the fact that there is a "dialysis humor" thread.  If I ever find anything funny about all of this, I will know that I've turned a big psychological corner.

[Sluff]

And yes I guess I am a control freak, but it was good enough for Epoman so it's good enough for me.

[Zach]

And yes I guess I am a control freak, but it was good enough for Epoman so it's good enough for me.

[Meinuk]

I think that this whole issue has escalated to a point where battle lines are being drawn, and that is not a good thing.  We need variety in this forum, but we also need respect. I joined IHD just before Epoman died and I know he loved a good battle and debate.  But I have also been reading this board long enough to see people bait others as well, and couch their words with "constructive criticism".  Why don't we all take a break and remember that there are people at each end of the keyboard.

Sluff summed it all up pretty clearly.  My take is that the only agenda for this site is for ANYONE affected by kidney disease can come, learn, vent and be entertained.

I thought Andrew was a plant as well, but I have learned enough over the years of reading almost daily, that plants usually tip their hand, and if you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves - the sadistic side of me actually likes watching that...  and every once in a while, I'll be the bully.  (Hello HDSW, I miss you!) - but even when I decide to deliver a smackdown, I choose my words carefully and think about who I am writing to and why I am writing it.  What could be their perspective in this?  What are they getting out of it, and why do I want to smack them?  And then I let loose.  I was always told that if you are going to get angry, stop and think "Will it matter in five years" if it won't, let it go, and if it will, go for it - full steam ahead. 

Even if Andrew wasn't a shill, he was sharing HIS experience (actually, it is kind of fun to watch them either evolve or hit the trail) - either he was naive and defending his clinic, or he was a shill without very good manipulation skills. Either way, we need newbies to keep this site alive and timely.  My contribution to the site has changed in the four years since I joined the forum, because my journey is in a different place.  We were ALL newbies once.

Realty Check, your agenda has been clear since your first post.  Hey, it is an agenda that I agree with, so you'll get no beef from me.  But you were aggressive with Andrew.  NoahVale, I respect your opinion, but there are no sides in this.  We do not need to score points off each other.

And as far as OKarol goes?  As far as I am concerned, she can lock or move any damn thread that she wants (except mine, then I'll take it personally  ). Karol, Sluff and the whole admin team are people who have taken on the responsibility of keeping this site alive.  It isn't journalism, they aren't getting paid for this. And the fact that they are even making the effort to keep this place organized has earned them my eternal gratitude and respect - they are doing a job that I could never do. And I love them for it. (well, actually Sluff, you had me with the boa and tiara....)

Everyone has something to offer here, let's put egos and agendas aside and put our efforts into trying to understand and not "educate" all of the time.  We are people here, and we each get something different from our participation, but to be a fairly "new" participant and to be so blatantly critical of the administration is not taking into account or respecting the history that exists here. Step back and try to look at the big picture.

Oh, and as far as the original subject of this post?  Am I a control freak?  HAH I have evolved, and I let my freak flag fly.  I was a control freak, then I joined the club, wore the t-shirt and got the secret club tattoo.  I am now crown goddess of control freaks - it is a good place to be.

[Chris]

noah you can always go and start your own webpage and forum if all you want to do is complain about how a website is run not the way you like it. See how far you can take it. .