What makes it worth the effort?

[lost sheep]

I am relatively new to this "community" and I have been wondering.  Is this how life is meant to be lived?  I suppose if you have dependants there are reasons to "buy" time ...but if you don't?  Isn't it all just for nothing?  It's been 2 months now since I acquired the ability to see life like so many others never have a chance.  When you look death in the eyes your preception is much different.  Living people can not and would not understand as we do.  What is so wrong with leaving this life which has been lived to the absolute fullest and going on to the next?  How many people live their lives to the fullest?  How many live live like herded goats?  Can you say, "I have done all I wanted to do in this life."  Living off of some machine and waiting for a possible transplant and the meds and all else that comes?  Is this life style for me, or you?  It must be difficult for living loved-ones, but they too will move on to another life soon enough.  Do you live for them?  I say no, I have always lived for living, for the gift of life, for myself, not someone else.  To live is to be free, not managing, or bearing it, or surviving.

[angieskidney]

I was 28 when I had to go on dialysis this time around. I thought "man! No matter what it always comes down to this!? No matter how hard I work I lose it all when it comes down to dialysis? What is the sense of even trying?" It is very easy to feel sorry for ones self when you lose everything but after a bit of time you realize, there is so much more of life to live. Don't give up! I was alone, single, my family not close at that time, my mom disowned me for a year and a half til I got real sick and had to start Hemo. I felt so alone.

Well now I have been on hemo for a year (5 years on dialysis .. used to be on PD) and now I am engaged! I never would have thought there could still be life on dialysis, much less a future romantic prospect!

You never know what your future holds! Don't give up! It seems hard now but you will get through it! Talk it out, vent, rant, scream, yell! Do all you need but remember: You are NOT alone now!  

[jbeany]

It is an effort some days.  Knowing that I can quit if it gets to be to much is a constant reassurance for me.  I know that I am choosing to do this, and I continue to make the same choice every time I walk into the dialysis unit.  I do get overwhelmed sometimes, and I hate the feeling that my whole life is all about dialysis.  I don't have any children I'm sticking around for.  I'm sure my family will go on without me.  But I'm not ready to quit.  It's not for "nothing"; it's for me.  Because I'm not done here, and I want to go on living.  I haven't done enough, seen enough, created enough, laughed enough, experienced enough.  My life, and I do still have one that doesn't involve this ugly, beeping machine, is still enough to keep me here. 

Is this how life is meant to be lived?  Only you can answer that for yourself.  I'm not ready for the alternative yet.

[meadowlandsnj]

To live is to be free, not managing, or bearing it, or surviving.

Everyone regardless of whether are sick or not has to manage life, bear life and survive.  What is free?  Free of worry?
You will not fine anyone really free in that definition of freedom.  Free of responsibility?  Life is what is dealt to you and you have to play with what you're given in life.  I go to dialysis three times a week--so what?  I have a life outside dialysis, I don't define myself by dialysis.  I'm not ready to go yet.  God has something planned for me, something that I have to do before I am ready to go.  Things happen to you in life, it's up to you how to deal with it.  You can let life beat you up and wear you down but I refuse to do that.  I won't do it.   I'll go kicking and screaming, I wont go quietly.  Nothing that is given to me will beat me.   

Donna

[lost sheep]

Who is feeling sorry for themselves?  Me?  I think not.  I am very content with where I am right now.  I have done more in my life than most people that I know of.  Am I supposed to do something else that I don't know about?  I don't think so!  I have already done it.  Sure I have not married or fathered any children (none that I know of)but who says you have to?  Who says this is what all people must do to achieve happiness?  Society?  Do you listen to what society says?  Are you a herded goat?  Well I'm not and never have been.  I lived my life.  Most people cant see life passed them up until they are blindsided with some major tragedy such as what we experience.  I have always lived like this day could be the last.  I never left any opportunities on the table.  I lost a father and a brother at a very young age so I have them to thank for guiding me in the direction in which they did, for had they not, I doubt I would be at such peace and thus I too would be bearing life and fighting to survive. 

Life is what is dealt to you?  I don't believe so.  Yes, in simple thoughts it may be.  If you get into a car accident this may be part of life that is "dealt"  so to speak but If you understand what it is to live than you determine your life not some deck of cards.  If you feel in such a way as not to accept the end of this time and the start of the next than you must not be ready.  But is it possible for someone to have done all they wish to do and be at a peace only few understand when their time is up?  I will say it again, I have never been a herded goat and I will not be now.

[meadowlandsnj]

Who is feeling sorry for themselves?  Me?  I think not.

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself sometimes.  We all do it. 

  I am very content with where I am right now.  I have done more in my life than most people that I know of.  Am I supposed to do something else that I don't know about?

Who knows what might be up ahead of you to do?

I don't think so!  I have already done it.  Sure I have not married or fathered any children (none that I know of)but who says you have to?  Who says this is what all people must do to achieve happiness?  Society?  Do you listen to what society says?  Are you a herded goat?

Happiness in life can mean anything, it means different things to different people.  Who's to say what makes anyone happy.

 

Well I'm not and never have been.  I lived my life.  Most people cant see life passed them up until they are blindsided with some major tragedy such as what we experience.  I have always lived like this day could be the last.  I never left any opportunities on the table.  I lost a father and a brother at a very young age so I have them to thank for guiding me in the direction in which they did, for had they not, I doubt I would be at such peace and thus I too would be bearing life and fighting to survive.

I'm sorry about your brother and father.  That was a double tragedy for you to bear at a young age.

Life is what is dealt to you?  I don't believe so.  Yes, in simple thoughts it may be.  If you get into a car accident this may be part of life that is "dealt"  so to speak but If you understand what it is to live than you determine your life not some deck of cards.

 

I was "dealt" this to deal with in life.  This is what I have.  I can't refuse it.  Maybe to you it sounds simple but it works for me.   

If you feel in such a way as not to accept the end of this time and the start of the next than you must not be ready.  But is it possible for someone to have done all they wish to do and be at a peace only few understand when their time is up?  I will say it again, I have never been a herded goat and I will not be now.

I can understand how you feel and why you wrote that, I respect your feelings.  I think your tone with me was a little harsh but I  think it's good you can get out your feelings by writing them.  I hope you can find some kind of peace or closure or whatever you're looking for.




EDITED:  Fixed quote tags - Goofynina/Admin.

[mallory]

Lost Sheep,  If I understand you correctly, I agree with you.  If you, personally, feel that you have lived your life to the fullest, you have nothing left that you want to do, no one left that you want to live for, then, yes, I would support your right to make a decision that you've had enough without living with dialysis. 

For the vast majority of us on this site, including myself, we are not at that point.  We are not "herded goats".  We are fully capable of making our own decisions, as are you, and we have chosen to not only live, but thrive, on dialysis, with a transplant or with ESRD.  We still have things we want to do, people we want to live for, and meaning to our lives.

While I would support your right to make the decision that this is not how you want to live, I would encourage you to really think about it, and to discuss it with the people you care about before you make a decision.  Only very rarely are you the only person affected by the decisions you make.

[Epoman]

I am relatively new to this "community" and I have been wondering.  Is this how life is meant to be lived?  I suppose if you have dependants there are reasons to "buy" time ...but if you don't?  Isn't it all just for nothing?  It's been 2 months now since I acquired the ability to see life like so many others never have a chance.  When you look death in the eyes your preception is much different.  Living people can not and would not understand as we do.  What is so wrong with leaving this life which has been lived to the absolute fullest and going on to the next?  How many people live their lives to the fullest?  How many live live like herded goats?  Can you say, "I have done all I wanted to do in this life."  Living off of some machine and waiting for a possible transplant and the meds and all else that comes?  Is this life style for me, or you?  It must be difficult for living loved-ones, but they too will move on to another life soon enough.  Do you live for them?  I say no, I have always lived for living, for the gift of life, for myself, not someone else.  To live is to be free, not managing, or bearing it, or surviving.

You are kidding right? I just read you "intro" and from I read here and in your intro, you are 31 years old and been on dialysis 2 months? I am going to cut you some slack because you are new to this but let me quote you from a few of your posts:

Hi people.  I join you all in facing the end of this life and looking at the next.  I'm male 31 years, single, no kids, no wife, out of work (health reasons), some family and friends, and not sure about living this way.  I have always enjoyed my days like they might be the last and now they seem to be.  "Sex drugs and Rock and Roll" lifestyle has run out.  Not sure if I can do it anyother way.  Especially this way!!!

I join you all in "facing the end of this life" What the p*ck? You are 31 years old, you may live another 50 years "I have always enjoyed my days like they might be the last and now they seem to be". Oh my GOD did someone throw you a "pity" party? "Sex drugs and Rock and Roll" lifestyle has run out" Oh man, sex, drugs, and rock and roll.... you are lucky that kidney disease is ALL you got. You have lived 30 years on this earth healthy from what I read in your posts, right? I mean at least healthy enough for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Let me quote you again:

I lost a father and a brother at a very young age so I have them to thank for guiding me in the direction in which they did, for had they not, I doubt I would be at such peace and thus I too would be bearing life and fighting to survive.

You call this fighting? I say you are just "alive" Anyone can "Stay Alive" on dialysis, but the FIGHTERS are the ones who "LIVE" You are lucky, let me ask you this. Can you see? Can you walk? Can you have sex? Can you hear? Can you shit in a toilet and not a bag attached to you, Can you think, and remember your past, Are you burned, lying in a burn ward some where? Has a doctor told you have Cancer and will be dead in 3 months? You are MUCH better off than a lot of people, You have kidney disease (which I wonder if it was brought on by the drugs) many people live a full life while living via a machine. It may be hard and it sucks, but you must make the best with what you got. Don't get me wrong I hate living like this, that is one of the reasons the site is called "ihatedialysis" but I am a FIGHTER and I always will be, I will leave this life knowing that I tried my best at everything I have set out to do. I am 34 and I have been on for over 13 years of dialysis and I never wanted a transplant, so I have been dialyzing for 13 years straight. So you do the math as to when I started. I WISH I started at 31 like you. You got an extra 10 years on me. But what about the people who start as a infant? or as a child?

If you were in your late 60's I could understand your attitude, but man you are YOUNG and unless you quit you are going to be around for a long ass time. For all you know you will meet a woman and get married and father 5 kids, we just never know in this life. In this world LIVES turn on a dime. You have not even begun your life yet. I am not saying that marriage is what you want or need, I am just saying you never know. Take this post however you want good or bad, it's up to you. But from your posts I say you are at a "pity party" and you are the guest of honor. Now stop this shit and get on with life, make some plans to live. You are 31 years old, you can STILL have SEX, and ROCK & ROLL, I would stay away from the drugs though.

- Epoman
Owner/Admin

P.S. To answer your question. "Is this how life is meant to be lived?" Well, no it's not. But if life give you lemons... you make p*ckING lemonade and sell it for a profit.

[okarol]

I am relatively new to this "community" and I have been wondering.  Is this how life is meant to be lived?  Can you say, "I have done all I wanted to do in this life."  Living off of some machine and waiting for a possible transplant and the meds and all else that comes?  Is this life style for me, or you?  To live is to be free, not managing, or bearing it, or surviving.

I have seen alcoholics rise up from the worst despair and change their lives. I have seen people mired in
depression find help and turn their lives around. I have seen people with no legs wheel themselves into
dialysis with a nod and a smile. I have seen mother's whose babies die of cancer pick themselves up and
campaign for changes that will help another baby someday.
What you are experiencing is difficult, but I think many people are suffering and managing and coping
and emerging from really disastrous experiences. You just don't know what goes on in another person's
home, their life, or their mind. Everyone else looks like they are okay, but it's usually not the case.
If you need more help, ask for it. Don't give up. If you need a purpose in life, reach out to someone else.
I imagine there are other people who could use a handshake and a smile. I wish you all the best.

[Zach]

At least stay around to watch my newest PBS documentary, These Kids Mean Busines$.

It should be broadcast in September of 2007.  I've been producing public television documentaries for the last 15 years.

I've been on hemodialysis for the last 25 years.     

[Bill Peckham]

I took my first trip abroad on dialysis after four years and six months, I was thirty two. To date I have been to twentynine countries on five continents.

I was unemployed for the the first four years and three months of dialysis, I've now been working through the carpenters union twelve years. I go to work every day.

Never married, never close. Why? I think it was because I took myself out of the game. You can, but you don't have to; I wonder what I would be doing today if I could have posted to the internet when I first started dialysis.

One thing to consider: freedom from your expectations can be very liberating if you embrace it.

[angieskidney]

All very good advice and I have to say, I agree with Epoman as well! You seem to be saying that you don't want to live your life like this but at least you had the chance to have a "normal" life enough to feel this is not normal! You might hate it because it is a drastic change to the life you were used to! Now you have restrictions and limitations but so now you can't have it always your way! That is life! But if you feel your time is done then that is your choice. I have known lots of people younger than me who have died who didn't have a choice. You do! If you want to end it just because you don't want to live your life on dialysis then that is up to you! You might be interested in reading another thread we had going about "Is Quiting Dialysis Suicide?" http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1113.0

And here is another: Story about ending dialysis - from Wall Street Journal Nov.2005
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=2037.0

[lost sheep]

Mallory - thank you.  It's reassuring to know that you're not he only one.

Meadowland - contrary to your interpretation I am not and do not feel sorry for myself.  Happiness does mean different things to different people, but you can't deny that for most that is generally dictated by society.  I see it everyday.  My tone was not and also is not intended to be harsh.  People perceive things differently, alot depending on past experience.  Just because that is what you may be looking for doesn't privilege you to judge that upon me.  Not all people are the same.  In fact everyone is different just as happiness is different things to different people just as this hand of cards you were Dealt can be played many ways depending on the player.  No disrespect was or is intended.  Everyone is undoubtedly entitled to their own decisions.

Epoman - I understand that this is your site.  I think what you do here is commendable and pridefull.  However, I am not kidding about my feelings, thoughts or beliefs.  I was raised to have integrity, and honesty, and to be loving and trustworthy.  "Sex drugs and rock and roll" doesn't make someone "the devil" , is this the 1960's?  I have taken chances in and with my life.  Taking chances and laying it out, thats living!  This lifestyle is far far from that.  There has been no pitty party and I am well aware that there are many other poor souls that have their life much more difficult.  I think you forgot those poor starving children in Africa.  Why do you have to be in your 60's or 70's for it to be understandable that a person's "time is up"?  There are some people in their 80's who missed out on life for one reason or another.  31 to you may not seem fullfilling but then again you are not me.  You have not lived my time.  I respect your post, your opinions and such.  I do not however act like I know who you are just because I read some thread you started.  For you to say that  I've not even begun my life yet is ridiculous....outrageous.  Try meeting someone at their level, whereever they are instead of writing a couple of paragraphs talking to them like you know who they are (before even trying to learn) and like you have been through what they've been through and to listen to you because "you know" and you are omniscient.  I am somewhat disappointed with this kind of attitude coming from the top.  I honestly expected a more thought out response.  I don't like lemonade.  Rock out with your .....

okarol - yes, I have seen and been told about events as you describe and I also have seen the counterparts to those people.  I want not to discourage anyone from rising above and out of their position.  The power of such desire has done amazing things.  I feel I served my purpose for this time and I am curious as to if I was alone in this feeling of satisfaction.

angie - so true about freedom from expectations.  Thats what I'm talking about when I say living.  Screw what society says and their expectations and live free.

[kitkatz]

I figure if I am going to live with death riding on my shoulder, I am going to give him a few scares!

I never figured I would live past 40 and here I am kicking and screaming into 44.  I figure life has a weird way of working things out.  I would stick around to see what happens next.  I have read stories about people who thought this life was all they had, then something wonderful somes along and just scoops them into some fantastic part of their life. There are times that all of this sick crap, I mean dialysis and the things that happen because of it, gets to me and I wonder if I can take anyomore.

Between you, me, and the rest of this board it is strictly up to you what you want to do with your life.

[Zach]

31 to you may not seem fullfilling but then again you are not me.  You have not lived my time.

Then tell us more about yourself ... and what your life has been like up to this point.
Maybe then we can understand your point of view in saying, "I have done all I wanted to do in this life."

[kitkatz]

What makes it worth the effort?

Laughter
The love you see in someone's eyes
Happiness
The time you take for yourself
God, or whatever you think is the creator
Pets that love you
You and Me
that makes it worth all the effort!

[del]

Lost sheep I feel sorry for you.  My husband and many other dialysis patients live a full and productive lifestyle.  My husband often says that he feels so well that the dialysis treatment is almost a nuisance.True it changes your lifestyle but so what?? Life is full of changes good or bad.  At least with dialysis you still have some form of control over your life.  Not like you were diagnosed with incurable cancer or some such thing.  Many dialysis patients live a full and productive life for years and with new dialysis treatments the life will probably be more close to normal.  I can only speak for my husband and his lifestyle is as close to normal as you can get.  He just has to hook up to the dialysis machine 5 nights a week and it is an inconvenience but you learn to live with it. 

[Joe Paul]

I felt the same way, way back when I was your age....Ain't nothin nobody, specially a nobody like me can tell you, lived it all too...or so I thought. Everyday now I wake up, I thank GOD for this 1  more chance to prove HE is right. What I feel I may be going through, I trust JESUS felt before he died on that cross. You have to think, we can question it all, after all JESUS asked why, and I trust he knows more than me. We have a means to stay alive, and I believe if we have that chance, we should give it to the LORD JESUS, as he stayed alive long enough to set those free, who believe.

[Epoman]

Epoman - I understand that this is your site.  I think what you do here is commendable and pridefull.  However, I am not kidding about my feelings, thoughts or beliefs.  I was raised to have integrity, and honesty, and to be loving and trustworthy.  "Sex drugs and rock and roll" doesn't make someone "the devil" , is this the 1960's?  I have taken chances in and with my life.  Taking chances and laying it out, thats living!  This lifestyle is far far from that.  There has been no pitty party and I am well aware that there are many other poor souls that have their life much more difficult.  I think you forgot those poor starving children in Africa.  Why do you have to be in your 60's or 70's for it to be understandable that a person's "time is up"?  There are some people in their 80's who missed out on life for one reason or another.  31 to you may not seem fullfilling but then again you are not me.  You have not lived my time.  I respect your post, your opinions and such.  I do not however act like I know who you are just because I read some thread you started.  For you to say that  I've not even begun my life yet is ridiculous....outrageous.  Try meeting someone at their level, whereever they are instead of writing a couple of paragraphs talking to them like you know who they are (before even trying to learn) and like you have been through what they've been through and to listen to you because "you know" and you are omniscient.  I am somewhat disappointed with this kind of attitude coming from the top.  I honestly expected a more thought out response.  I don't like lemonade.  Rock out with your .....

I'm not saying I know you brother, all I am saying you are just 31 years old, there is so many things I know you have not done. I may not know exactly what you HAVE done, but this life offers so much and you have not even scratched the surface. However it is your life and if you want to put up the "CLOSED" sign and leave, then more power to you. I never said sex, drugs and rock & roll makes you a devil however if you think taking "drugs" is "living" then that's your own messed up thought process. Also I never said that you had to be in your 60's or 70's to know when your time is up. I am talking about your age in general... Did you even read my post or did you just skim through it?

Anyway sorry but I have to say this..and I know I will piss some people off including you, but what else is new. I just don't understand this comment: "I was raised to have integrity" Yet you are prideful of the fact that you are or were a "Drug User"?

But anyway that isn't the issue. The issue is, do what you like, stop dialysis, continue and fight, what ever makes you happy. But obviously you are confused and are reaching out for support since you did indeed join this message board in the first place.

Sorry if my reply upsets you, however I am just speaking my mind and telling it like I "READ" it. And as long as you do it respectfully to me and to the members of IHD, you too may speak your mind.

But if you like, prove me wrong tell us all the wonderful things you have done in life. I believe "ZACH" said:

Then tell us more about yourself ... and what your life has been like up to this point.
Maybe then we can understand your point of view in saying, "I have done all I wanted to do in this life."

So tell us, some of the AMAZING and wonderful things you have done in life that makes you so fulfilled.

- Epoman
Owner/Admin

[jedimaster]

Why keep doing dialysis?....lots of things...
My wonderful wife, her stamina, her smile, her intelligence....
My son...the light of my eyes...he is worth every second I live...he is not only a great child...he is my best friend
My friends
The sun, the light, etc....I LOVE life....
...and

I want to see the next Star Wars movie.... ...who knows what will happen next....

[boxman55]

So tell us, some of the AMAZING and wonderful things you have done in life that makes you so fulfilled.
If you need to pull the plug it is your choice. But before you do tell us your journey up till know so others can understand your passion to quit and maybe we can find something that we need to still do before we get to the point of wanting to bleed out.  Boxman55

[lost sheep]

Okay, sure, I will tell a few things I have achieved in this life.  I do not believe that I am alone in my accomplishments.  A lot of you may have had similar experiences and accomplishments.  Many people however have not, and then maybe even more than that, there are people who don't even realize what they experience or what they are fortunate to have.  We in this country are prone to missing the truly wonderfull meanings of life.  The majority of the population in north America is brainwashed or mis-educated on happiness, full of people who miss the opportunity to embrace life until it becomes too late.  Money is the leading culprit.  And then thats not even to mention the rest of the people of this world who suffer in the many sad ways that they do.  Some people are born without even a chance.  Some starving tribe in the north of Africa.  Tremendous over population in Asia contributing to economic problems and personal hardships.  It is unfortunate what so many of us perceive as achieving a level of success and happiness.  We all should stop what we are doing and thank god for this breath in which we breath so easily and peacefully, for it is a breath that we should feel the miracle of life. 

I'm not going to blab on with my entire life story, all the "ups and downs," the friends I have had the chance to know and the travels and their accompanying stories.  What I will say is that I can feel good with what I have done and experienced in this life and I also feel confident that karma has assured me the next life will bring the same.

I wonder what you consider to be "AMAZING" and wonderful? 

I believe I said earlier that if I had some dependant such as a child that needed my life that would not leave me feeling satisfied and at peace with life.  Not everybody on this earth is to enter into marriage and produce offspring.  I commend those who do and respect them greatly.  My very good middleschool buddy and his wonderful wife have a two year old is absolutely amazing.  Being a part of that has been more than satisfying.

Epoman - I am curious as to one thing that you think I have not done and maybe should?  I never said that taking drugs is what it means to live.  Seems like your preception of something (not sure if its me or "taking drugs") is a bit clouded or misunderstood, misinformed.  "Rock and roll" lifestyle does not mean needing a fix to get by and live the day.  It's ashame if that is how you see it.  How many alcoholics are out there?  Can they not show pride?  Are they incapable of being good hard working people raised with integrity?  And to answer your question about me reading your post, the answer is, Yes I did.  Have you read mine?

[Zach]

I still don't have any idea of your "Sex drugs and Rock and Roll" lifestyle.

"I have always enjoyed my days like they might be the last and now they seem to be."
So tell us what you have done with your life.  You really haven't been too specific so far.

[meadowlandsnj]

Mallory - thank you.  It's reassuring to know that you're not he only one.

Meadowland - contrary to your interpretation I am not and do not feel sorry for myself.  Happiness does mean different things to different people, but you can't deny that for most that is generally dictated by society.  I see it everyday.  My tone was not and also is not intended to be harsh.  People perceive things differently, alot depending on past experience.  Just because that is what you may be looking for doesn't privilege you to judge that upon me.  Not all people are the same.  In fact everyone is different just as happiness is different things to different people just as this hand of cards you were Dealt can be played many ways depending on the player.  No disrespect was or is intended.  Everyone is undoubtedly entitled to their own decisions.

Hold on a second here--I did not interpet what you said as you feeling sorry for yourself.  I just said to you that it was okay if someone felt like that. I never said that about you personally.  I didn't judge you at all. 

Donna

[Epoman]

I still don't have any idea of your "Sex drugs and Rock and Roll" lifestyle.

"I have always enjoyed my days like they might be the last and now they seem to be."
So tell us what you have done with your life.  You really haven't been too specific so far.

Yeah I'm still waiting too.

Lost sheep - You made this long "babble" post but totally ignored our challenge to you. Please explain all the great things you have done in life at the ripe old age of 31. Also in reply to you I could care less about your sex, and rock and roll. What I have a problem with is your lifestyle you choose, which according to your own admission included drug use. Which may have caused your kidney failure in the first place, and for that I can have no sympathy for you. If you abused drugs as most people who are drug users do. You may have very well brought this whole situation upon yourself. Please don't confuse alcohol as a drug, yes it is addicting and causes many problems in our society. However you said "drugs" which I take to mean illegal drugs. To clarify my stance for you better, I do not respect ANYONE who abuses drugs or even alcohol (notice I said abuses) for that matter, because those people do not value their health or their body and to me that is ignorant and a shame. I love a good shot of Absolute Vodka once in a while, however I do not drink on a daily basis to forget my problems or use drugs to "help me live".

But back to the subject, I am not talking about you in general. I am stating at 31 years old, there is many things in life that you have NOT experienced, there are so many people who have not crossed your path. What I am saying is that you are to young to give up. You say you are a fighter but you talk the way you do about "going on to the next life" and how fulfilled you feel. But to me that is just you trying to make excuses for the current situation you are facing, you are facing death and you are trying to make excuses to welcome "death" instead of "fighting death"

I can't tell you what you should do in this life, all I can tell you is what I see by your posts on this message board. However let me ask you this.... You have mentioned "Staving children in Africa" TWICE now in your replies.....Well what have you done to help in that situation? What have you done to make this world a better place to help your fellow man? Sometimes when you help others you are REALLY helping yourself. You say you are fulfilled well then how about helping someone else get fulfilled.

I am not judging YOU, I am judging your posts. So please enlighten me with why you feel so fulfilled at 31, maybe I can learn a thing or two.

- Epoman