An update.....

[Kitty Cat]

I read through this whole thread yesterday. It may me cry, it made me smile, it made me remember some things I'd forgotten..

Normally, I keep a diary. I have since the early 90's. I love it because when I look back on it I can see how things, including myself have changed over the years. I can also put things in perspective that I may not have been able to at the time.

Because this summer was so high energy trying to keep things going, I didn't write in my diary even once. I actually did that through this forum and pretty thoroughly too. I printed it off yesterday to keep with everything from this summer.

I received the pictures, they came out beautifully, but it hurts to look at them..I've put them back in the box for now, once I can look at them, I will post our favorite. I'm so grateful that we were able to see them before they were ordered.

I also forgot to mention, at the service, I walked into the church and they were really and truly playing Don't Worry, Be Happy!! It made so many people smile, including myself. Our Priest made mention of the fact that Mark had requested that song as it reflected his personality.

We were hit with a freak snowstorm the day after the service. Power went out here, I lost everything in the freezer and refrigerator (again-this was the 2nd storm in less than 3 months). I had the generator finished up, got it running 30 minutes before the power came back on here.    so I'm learning all the stuff I never had to worry about before, we're still cleaning up from that storm, so many trees and branches down, my yard looks like a disaster zone but it's wood for next year! Unfortunately, there are so many people in our state without power still, 10 days later. Bad management through the electric company.

I'm doing okay, I've been told I'm rushing it trying to get through the grieving process. There are some days better than others, my cooking skills have improved, but sandwiches are still the best and easiest   

I hope all of you, my dear friends, have a wonderful day...I"m still looking at each day as a blessing-except during those few days I didn't have power, but thankfully that's behind me..

[billybags]

Kittykat, So nice to hear that you are managing to get through the day, it must be hard. Don't try and rush the grieving it will be with you for a long long time. Take it one day at a time. So you are brushing up on your cooking skills are you, don't forget if you cook it, you eat it. You sound like you are also getting good at DIY another thing we have to learn when our loved ones are not here. Remember we are stronger than we think, but don't forget to ask for help when you need it. Thanks for coming back to let us know how you are doing. God bless you.

[willowtreewren]

Kitty Cat,

 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is just YOUR way. 

There will be times that it blindsides you, though. 

I'm sorry about the storm. It hit so many folks. Nobody needed that, and it must have been so hard having to face it without Mark. 

So if you are eating sandwiches you aren't eating Stouffer's, right? 

I think of you often.

Aleta

[DonnaPaul]

I am so sorry to hear this.  I pray for your strength as well as his.  It is both brave and sweet for you to take on having him at home.  Having worked oncology for years, Hospice nurses are usually wonderful.  Please know I will continue to remember you as you face this journey and yes sometimes it goes to hour at a time instead of day at a time

[looneytunes]

KC, you are so brave to be facing all this at one time.  I would be running for the nearest hotel, I think.  You are continually in my prayers, my friend.
 

[Big E]

So glad to hear from you again, Kittycat.   

[Kitty Cat]

So, here we are, 8 days away from a year since Mark passed on. What a year it's been.

I have learned so very much, I've learned I can go on alone, I don't have to like it, but it's doable. I've have completely changed my attitude, I appreciate every single day, I truly enjoy all experiences. I'm happier than I'd been, I keep in mind at all times that life is so truly short, I need to grab on and hold on for the ride. This was something I did before, however, now it's almost like a mantra for me.

I learned that I will not give up my character for a job or anything else. I worked a horrific job for 2 months back at the beginning of the year. As of today, I have finished week 3 in a completely different field (new job I found) and I love it! I am so incredibly happy there and all the people I work with are fantastic. It's a huge change, but a beneficial one to my life. My life is so peaceful now, I can't even explain the difference. It's great. If somebody told me back in January that I'd be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed them.

As much as I love Mark, I've decided that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Someday, I may meet somebody, I've discussed it with my daughter and she wants me to get out there to find somebody who enjoys what I enjoy.

My peace comes from a waterfall we found while hiking. When we got to the end of the trail, it was there in all its glory and I discovered that I could walk out and stand under the waterfall. It was amazing! It made my soul feel like it had a new chance and I felt like I was born again. I was soaked through and through, but it was so incredibly exhilarating.

The funny thing is my cooking has gotten better, much better. I'm not afraid to cook for others, I figure if I haven't killed or given myself ecoli, I'm doing something right! Plus, I'm not eating Stouffers, that was Mark's biggest fear!   

It's been hard, I still don't understand why this is my road, but if I don't make the best of it, then I cheat myself out of life. When Mark was alive, all those years we made the best out of everything. This is something I can do now for myself. My goal of going back to school is something I still want to accomplish, with my new job, it is really possible! I'm so excited about whatever life hands me next.

Don't get me wrong, I would never wish what we went through on anybody, if I had to do all of this over again for Mark, I would in a heart beat without even thinking about it. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that he is gone. I still can't give away his things, they are exactly where he left them. If I ever get to it, they'll be given away, but that is still a bridge I don't want to cross.

I still go into Walmart, forgetting that he's not home and start looking for tee shirts or jeans for him, then WHAM! Right between the eyes, it clicks in. I usually get out of the store right away before the tears start.

I am very proud of the accomplishments I've made. I'm proud of the steps that I have yet to make. It feels so good to be on a solid road again.

I also thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Your encouragement has helped me so much, you've cheered me on and sat with me while I cried. My accomplishments are also YOUR accomplishments. I don't know how much I could have done without you backing me up the whole way. You've no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of you. 

[boswife]

 God I love you kitty cat. Will get back w ya when at computer. Much love and gratitude for what you share. god bless you

[MooseMom]

Thank you so much for this wonderful update.  I'm really grateful to hear that you are healing. 

[boswife]

Just came back to tell you AGAIN  how much i appreciate all you've shared with us.  This is such a scarry path, and you have helped me tremendously by sharing your experience...  You are wonderful, and you'll be hearing from me shortly      and much love, and so glad/happy to hear of your growth and happyness..   

[galvo]

So good to hear from you, kitty kat. You are an inspiration.

[willowtreewren]

Kitty Cat,

You continue to amaze and inspire me. 

I am so very happy to read that you are at peace and finding joy in life. You know in your heart that Mark would have wanted that.

I hear you about the cooking. I have never been much of a cook (okay, my food was edible, but not inspired). But during a long illness when I was unable to work, I had the time and just enough energy to wander through new recipes.  And I found that cooking is fun and delicious! 

Keep going on your journey. I imagine it will be a while before you aren't blind-sided by emotions at times, but that simply means you still have your precious memories.

I'm glad you posted. 

Aleta

[lmunchkin]

Awe it is so good to hear & read this from you Kit Kat.  It is of no surprise to me that God has Blessed you for your true devotion to Mark.  He passed with Dignity and is at rest.  The Lord knows your heart, better than anyone else.  He saw the struggles you went through and how you & Mark dealt with them.  Im sure Mark would approve of your moving on and Living your life to the fullest.  And yes, things are very different in your eyes now.  You know and Value every inch of breath you take.

You & Mark went through alot together.  You have been Blessed my dear.  Enjoy those Blessings!

God Bless,
lmunchkin

P.S. Thanks so much for letting us share this with you! You are a Jewel, and everyone knows this!

[Leanne]

I have read every page of this thread, crying the whole time.  So sorry for your loss but so happy to see you trudging on.  It is an inspiration to us all.  I can only hope to have a beautiful love like you and he shared.  Good luck for your future and I wish you much happiness....you deserve it...

[CebuShan]

Kit kat - I am so glad to hear that you are doing better.

[looneytunes]

Kitty Cat:  It's been a while since I've been on IHD and today was the best day for me to see your post and read how far you've come.  You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many others.  You keep on going forward and enjoying every moment of every day.  I think of you often and am glad you let us hear from you. 

My biggest cyber hug is coming your way!   

[billybags]

Kitty Cat: So lovely to hear from you again. I am so proud of the way you are handling your life. You take care.

[Kitty Cat]

Wow, time certainly does slip by doesn't it? There has been so, so much happening and some good, some not so.

My cooking is awesome!! I am amazed by the fact that not only I can cook, but I really like it too!! I have made a spiral ham for Easter, the family loved it, I can make a phenomenal pot roast and country style ribs, I'm also experimenting with a few things. Very cool.

My job is great, I've been in a small factory for almost a year now and I love it. The work is good and so are the people. You can't ask for better.

I'm learning to do what I want to do by myself instead of looking for people to go with me, this coming Friday, I will be heading to the beach by myself, I will also buy dinner at this restaurant my daughter and I discovered last summer and take that to the place Mark and I always went. I'll be at my own mercy, I'm positive it'll be okay.

I met somebody who I thought was a good match for me, he was very sweet, he gave up his lunch time twice to get ice for my finger when I broke it (yep, some things just don't change..lol) and in the end, flipped out on me because I goof around with my co worker, which is how we meet our goals, by singing, cutting jokes and such. Totally harmless, the guy is almost 25 yrs younger and he will never be anything more than a good friend at work. So the guy I liked (and who really liked me, he even came over for dinner...this is how I found my pot roast was phenomenal) became really jealous and I will not be told who I can talk to or not talk to, so that was that. Glad I found out early enough before a relationship was formed, but I've also thrown in the towel and have resigned myself into being single the rest of my days. Once I'm used to the idea, I'll be fine, right now...it's tough.

Mark and I would have been married for 30 years this year. I'm very aware of this as August approaches. I had also joined a widow/widowers group. They had a picnic at the beautiful park where we were married. I purposely showed up very early to go to the spot where we were married. I didn't know how I was going to handle it and wanted to give myself time. I went up on the bridge where we had some photos taken after we were married, a breeze kicked up and surrounded me. I felt Mark's presence and made peace with the fact that he is gone. I felt him pushing me to move on, yet that he will always be with me. I can't use his death to hide anymore. I felt so completely at peace, I didn't cry like I was sure I would, I felt very light, free and happy. I'm good with what happened. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly and right now am struggling with this because next week I will turn 50, he will not be here to celebrate with me, so I've been pushing my friends away who want to celebrate with me. I have to try but don't know how. This happens a lot and I'm still in counseling for all of it.

I also lost my Smudgie, he's the tall kitty in my avatar. All of my kitties are indoor only, he ended up with a kitty disease called FIP, which is transmitted in utero while he was being carried. There is no test to see if he had it, it became a matter of ruling out everything else, by that time he was so sick, the vet told me we hit the end of the road. I was (am) devastated. Smudge came into my life in 2005, right after Mark's transplant and before he spent a month in the hospital. Smudge was my constant and I told the vet that I felt I was losing another little piece of Mark with Smudgie's passing. I was inconsolable for days. However, at the beginning of June, I adopted Cosmo, who is 4 yrs old and spent way too much time in the shelter. (I volunteer at this shelter when I can) He's fitting in, but he has an awful lot of similarities to Smudge which catch me off guard and make me stop and stare. But I am happy that I adopted him.

Now for the really good, I rode a roller coaster for the first time in my life in May. My daughter was with me, I wasn't nervous and held on for everything I was worth. The roller coaster went up, then dropped and when it did, it felt like I was being launched from my seat. My daughter told me I didn't make any noise at all, but I turned the whitest shade of white she's ever seen. I wasn't scared, I kind of liked it, but am so seriously proud of myself for trying something this new.

I also dyed my hair purple. everybody I knew said it looked really good, but people who didn't know me acted like I was going to mug them in the nearest dark alley!! I don't judge people, so needless to say I was stunned that I was judged, very harshly too. I may do it again with my birthday coming up, I think it'd be a goof to have purple hair when I have to get my license renewed!! lol!! 

I have been working on learning to repair things in the house, so far I haven't blown anything up. This is very good in my book, although how I broke my finger is that instead of waiting a half hour for somebody to come help me put the air conditioner in the window, I did it myself. The problem came in when the back side of the window stuck down and I yanked very hard on the front side to put it behind the bar on the a/c. I realized in that split second that I shouldn't have done that. My finger turned this amazing shade of purple and they were nice enough to splint it for me at work, which really helped. I'm completely impressed that I didn't get angry nor did I drop the a/c out the window!!

There is still a long way to go, I'm learning, some things I despise having to learn and a lot of the time I hate being alone. I miss talking to him and holding his hands. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that again!! I feel like I should be able to do more in the almost 2 yrs that Mark has been gone and sometimes feel like an utter failure. As I've been told, this is all new to me and it's going to take a long while, I just need to learn to be patient and it will come with time.  Sadly, time is all I have. I'm still going one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. That was what I did on Mark's birthday (june 10). I was okay knowing it was coming and that morning, I lost it and spent the better part of the day trying to stop crying. My supervisor is an awesome friend and she was there for me every step of the way. I'm so grateful for her.

I hope I don't sound too lost, I've made large areas of progress, some not so much (like repairs). Somedays I feel so incredibly lost without Mark-it's enough to get out of bed, but I do and I go on. I can't go backward. I guess time will help and I do have to see that I am on a good path instead of worrying about what I can't do.

[boswife]

With all of our talks kitcat, i still am crying at this.. You have gone where I so dread to go and your doing a beautiful job of carring on.  I sit here and look at my Bo, and am just broken at times.  I thank you and am grateful to you for more than i can express for all you've continued to do for me.  Oh God give us strength...  With love, jill

[willowtreewren]

What an awesome post, Kitty Cat! You have always been such an inspiration to me. Your posts are filled with grace and endurance. I know that moving forward is not always easy, but you have done it and my hat is off to you!

I'm so sorry about Smudge, but thrilled about your job. It makes a world of difference as you know from your previous job! And you never know, now that you have accepted that you will not find someone to love, you may be surprised when/if it does happen! I hope so.

Kuddos to you.

Aleta

[Poppylicious]

I completely second everything Aleta said.  You're an amazing woman.

I want to see the purple hair!!

 

Many *huggles* x

[Big E]

I completely second everything Aleta said.  You're an amazing woman.

I want to see the purple hair!!

 

Many *huggles* x

I want to see the purple hair, too!

It's so good to hear from you, Kitty Cat.

[Kitty Cat]

Here is the purple hair!! lol!! I loved it!! I really did, it was so neat to do something I'd never done before!

Thank you for the compliments, this is one road I sure wouldn't have ever picked, it's more a matter of "I have to do this..." and in some cases, it works out well, in others...well..not so much.

I had been friends with my manager from the bank for I don't know how many years now, she became very disappointed in me because I chose to leave banking permanently and move into factory work-where I'm really happy. I dropped her off of facebook, let's face it, life is short enough without somebody making you feel bad by being disappointed in you. I chose to move forward without that hanging over my head.

Today, I had to work right next to the guy I thought was a good match, he wasn't even an arms length away because of the machinery we were using. He was so uncomfortable with me there, I couldn't help but giggle. I'm not holding a grudge or bad feelings, it happened, it's done, but I think he still likes me and I don't want to know anything. So I kept talking away to him, like I do my other coworkers and I could feel him tense up and hear in how he was suddenly impatient that he wasn't enjoying himself.

I really love that I'm so willing to try new things, the roller coaster and such, my friends are desperately trying to get me to go sky diving on my birthday. I refuse and refuse some more!! That's a little beyond me...yet! I love how I can cook, Mark would be so proud of my skills..do you know I'm still finding pans that he hid on me so I wouldn't ruin them on him??? lol. I wish, more than anything on this planet that he was still here. I have another birthday coming up without him, there is nothing worst than that feeling. I wanted to hide for my birthday, my friends became hurt because they felt I wasn't giving them a chance, they're right. I've now thrown myself in this, I'm hoping all goes well.

I thank everyone here at IHD, over the years, you've helped pick me up, you have listened while I cried and cheered me on while I'm trying to pick up the pieces and create a new life. Without all of you, I couldn't have done this. You are all so very dear to me, you'll never know just how much...

[willowtreewren]

OMG! The purple hair is great! Good for you for trying it. 

Keep on keeping on, Kitty Cat. That is all there is to do. The saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger is so very true and you are a perfect example.

And I have to laugh - sky diving? Nope, I would never do that either! 

If you keep up the normal interactions with your "guy" he will most likely get more comfortable again. But there is a certain humor in the situation. 

Mark WOULD be proud of your cooking. I didn't really start to enjoy cooking until this past year when I was too sick to work. I could sit and browse Pinterest and I found some easy, yet yummy recipes. Funny how bad things can bring you good things.

Sending support. 

Aleta

[galvo]

OMG! I just fell off my chair. Purple hair is not the way to go. Try a shaven head look, no maintenance and no cooties!