An update.....

[billybags]

Kitty Cat, Your post made me cry, it also made me happy for yo,u because things are going how you wanted them too. You will both be in my prayers.

[willowtreewren]

I am so very glad that you have hospice now. What a blessing they will be for your and your dear husband.

You will always be able to hold in your heart that you did what was best for him, regardless of what others think! What a tribute.

Dear lady, I'm sending you all the loving support I can, even though it is only through cyber space. Hold your head up, smile, and love your man. Hugs. Some tears, too. But love to you!

Aleta

[looneytunes]

KC..I'm thinking of you.  Sending lots of hugs and prayers still.   

[Kitty Cat]

So much can happen in such a short amount of time.

The cancer is winning, no doubt about that. He is so tired, I'm used to him coming home dialysis tired, kind of nap on the couch. Now he comes in and falls sound asleep on the couch. 3 hour minimum so dialysis nights have turned into sandwich/soup nights. No point in anything else, he has such a tiny diet. He's on fentanyl (sp?) for break through pain, so far so good.

He's lost so much weight, another 20 pounds in the last few weeks. I tried to take him to the beach last week, sadly the rain took care of that. I'm desperately trying to get him there one last time, it is a simple request, don't know why things can't cooperate for one day? I'm thinking it'll be a last second trip when it happens. I want him to see the beach one last time, have dinner at our favorite restaurant....very simple.

Sunday night I cooked dinner! I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but the recipe seemed easy enough that even I could figure it out, it turned out quite yummy!! Nobody was more shocked than I was!  I made a lemon asparagus chicken, my hubby ate the majority of it but considering how much he dislikes asparagus, I was really surprised.  I have a few other recipes to try, I picked up everything this morning after he left for dialysis.  So I guess this means that I can cook! Who would've thought? 

As for my attitude, I've got my bad days where I don't want to move, just cry. But I will never do this in front of him. He feels guilty enough about dying and leaving me alone.  He has such a hard time walking now. He's very dependent on his wheelchair, I'm happy that he's using it but he gets upset that I walk down the garbage cans to the street on trash day, I do all the laundry now because he really can't walk up the stairs anymore, when he does, he'll get most of the way upstairs and pant something terrible.

We're still taking everything one day at a time, I have nothing else besides our faith. It kills me to see him in such pain when he lets the pain get ahead of him, the tumor has moved across his belly and has gone from the left side to the right side. His abdomen is huge. This also causes the breathing issues. Everything seems to be pushing up under his ribs. it causes the diaphragm to not work the way it should. That's what we've been told. It's not kidney talk so I really don't understand it!

We're still plugging along, I hadn't updated in a while, I wanted to give you the latest on what has been happening here. I also want to thank you for all of your support, it truly helps knowing that your good wishes are with us all the time.

[MooseMom]

Thanks so much for the update.  Oh, I just can't imagine what you must be feeling these days, watching your dear husband suffer.  I wish I had the words to take all of your pain away.   

[willowtreewren]

 

I just wish I could reach through cyber space and give you a real, long, heart-felt hug. You are so strong, but I know you could use some REAL support some times. 

I'll be thinking of you.

 

Aleta

[looneytunes]

Kitty, you are SO brave and your love for your dear hubby is awesome to see.  I just know that you'll have a day real soon that you can load him up and surprise him with a day at the beach.  Though this part of life can be dark and overwhelming, it also can build some very special memories for you.   

Thanks for the update, I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.   

[Kitty Cat]

We did it!!! We made it to the beach today!!! The temperatures weren't bad, but I had him wrapped up tight in a heavy blanket, the sky is this beautiful blue that you don't get to see too often and you could see forever. It was so amazing, we had a really nice lunch and I brought him home. He slept most of the way but I was completely fine with that.

I can't even describe what it was like to see him light up when he saw the ocean. It was everything for my heart. On the way home I started thinking how bittersweet today is, but I held it together. This is one of the best days we've had, I am going to hold tight to it dearly knowing what is coming.....

[willowtreewren]

What a wonderful gift today was for your husband AND for you! 

I'm so glad you made this happen. I'm sure your husband is, too. And what a special memory it will be for you.

 

Aleta

[boswife]

I was so glad to read this post.  It hurts me so much what your living through and i cried through your prior post and just couldnt respond.  Bless your heart now and forever and bring you peace for all your doing.  I hold my hubby extra tight these days.  I already hurt the hurt and fight it daily.  Sending love and prayers...   

[looneytunes]

KC, I was so glad to see your post about your day at the beach.  I know how badly you wanted to do this and YOU DID IT!   What a special time for you both.  My prayers are with you.   

[billybags]

kITTYCAT I do not know what to say, my heart goes out to you both. I am so glad that you managed to get to the ocean and that you had a good day. You will both be in my prayers. Bless you.

[okarol]

  I love the beach story. It's great for you both. I pray you find more joyful moments. 

[MooseMom]

It is amazing the wonders that the ocean can bestow.

[Kitty Cat]

Sadly, this update isn't so upbeat. He's struggling to do simple things like put on his own jacket, get dressed and has lost at least 20 pounds more. He's declining faster than I'd ever like to admit.

Thursday night, the social worker sat me down to face what is coming, gave me a list of things I need (I have all) to get his death certificate afterward. Also where to go to have him cremated, etc. It was like a huge slap in the face. I've thrown myself into this so deep that I didn't have to face what was coming. In the meantime, to try and cope, I've withdrawn into myself.  I do that very well.

I do know for certain that hospice is going to have to be here a lot more starting in another week or so. I want to sit and cry, but I can't do that....not yet. My daughter left this morning with the kids for home, I know she can't live here but I don't think she has any idea how much I appreciate her help. I thank her all the time...

Thank you for all of your support-it's what gets me through this...

[bevvy5]

Latecomer here but just read through the thread and wow, what an amazing woman you are.  Thank you so much for taking the time to share your journey with us.   

My thoughts will be with you, truly.  i'm glad that you have some help with hospice care - hopefully it will make the coming days and weeks a little easier to deal with. 

Bev

[boswife]

If i could wrap my arms around you and make it all go away, i would do that so gladly.  My insides burn when i read this and i pray for you strength and peace.  This makes me hurt so much for you    

[MooseMom]

Let hospice help you as much as possible.   

It must be so difficult for your daughter, too.  I'm sure she'd love to be able to stay and look after her mom and dad, but she has her own kids she needs to look after.  It must have been very hard on her to have to leave you.

I wish there was more we could all do for you.  We are here for whenever you need us.

[cariad]

Kitty Cat, I am so incredibly sorry. Lean on us as much and as hard as possible. We desperately want to ease any of the burden that we can, offer whatever solace can be had from listening as you let your thoughts and fears out.

I am wishing you peace and love through this difficult time.

[okarol]

I am so sorry. {{{HUG}}}

[willowtreewren]

 

I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to say goodbye to your daughter and grandchildren. Or how hard it was for her to leave.

I just wish we all could do more than lend our emotional support. I know that helps, but it is not enough. So lean on Hospice as much as you can or need to. And lean on us, too.

Kitty Cat, you are living with no regrets. And that is a wonderful gift to your husband. 

Aleta

[Kitty Cat]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement, I wish you knew how much it helps me.

My daughter has been putting her life on hold, I've been trying to get her moving in to her own life again, I love having them here but I know it can't be that way. She lives on the other side of the state, so it's an hour trip for her to come here. She's going to come back next weekend, because her husband works crazy Saturday hours every week. He's been amazing, very supportive of her being here also. I can't ever thank him enough for that.

Hospice is ordering a hospital bed tomorrow, we're going to put the bed downstairs, my daughter wants to use that vs the futon she has now. I'm okay with that-I think. I have my own bed & room so I'm all set.

The hospice nurse made a comment today that I've lost even more weight, she can see it in my face, how it's thinned out so much, it certainly can't hurt me to lose this much but now when I smack my elbow, I can really feel it! At least it's a bit funny        why is it that it's called a "funny bone"?   lol

I'm also taking over the meds. He's been doing it himself up to this point, I think he accidently took too much of something last night, for the life of me I couldn't wake him. It took 20 minutes to get him to respond. He says he took his ambien too late, maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But once I take care of it, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I have some errands to run tomorrow, I will get it then.

I really thought I could handle all of this, I'm finding I'm not prepared for this kind of loss. This is somebody I have loved for more than half of my life. This is somebody who I have really grown up with, we've experienced so much of life together. I wrote his obituary a few days ago and with my daughter's help, tweaked it to where we want it. I know I won't be in any condition to do that later, plus this says what WE want it to say, not somebody who doesn't know him.

I wish I could say family has been cooperative, but that's a fairy tale. All I want is peace, I'm not bothering anybody, not causing any kind of trouble-I don't have the energy for it, but there are still shots at me. Really?? 30 yrs later and we're still going to play this game?  I blew up yesterday like I never have before, told them all to leave me the hell alone, the only one I'm concerned with is my husband, nobody else counts. Never before have I done that. I have him to take care of, if they can't give us the peace we need, then stay out of our lives.

What I forgot to mention is that we had our portrait taken professionally on Thursday. He was a trooper considering how he was hurting, but I have those memories. I'm also going to receive a CD of the session so I can create my own pictures if I want to later. I should have those in another week or so. They came out really well. I can't wait.

I'm sorry to sound so down, I'm trying to get balanced out again, but it is so hard to get back to that point in my heart. I still stay upbeat around him, reality has kicked me in the hiney big time.

[billybags]

Kitty Cat, You are one brave lady, I feel for you both, I hope God speeds his release. I will be praying for you both.

[aharris2]

 
Kitty Cat, you are an extraordinary person. I am happy for your triumphs (your trip to the beach) in the face of such tragedy. Live in the moment and I hope for little bright spots for you and and your husband.

Alene

[boswife]

   bless your heart.  And God give you strength to get through this.