Well that didnt last long !

[Sugarlump]

I'd take an x-ray over a stent removal anyday. The doctor kept dropping the bloody thing when he was trying to remove it.
Had he ever done the proceedure before? OUCH!

[Jean]

AHHHHH, Kickie, how wonderful for you. Your first NO!!! Maybe if you did not cave in at every whimper, she may realize that you are human too. Maybe not, but then, oh well. You have done all you can for your family and they give you nada in return. So, no, you are not selfish, no, you should not feel guilty, and yes, you are normal. Let her live with it. I know you worry about your mom, you would not be normal if you didnt worry about her, but it seems to me, she does not need the entire world at her side for a freakin ex-ray!! And, you done good honey!!

[KICKSTART]

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[monrein]

Kickstart, I can't pretend to know how you feel but I can definitely read and can feel the despair, grief and tremendous burden of sadness in the words of your post.  The things you describe would haunt anyone and change them dramatically in many ways.

What I hope you can take from me is that you will NOT get what you need if you go to the therapist with the expectation of miracles.  I hope that you will be lucky enough to find a therapist who is willing to join with you in the very tough but very possible journey of redefining your self-worth as nothing to do with family members who, for whatever reason, can give you nothing emotionally besides guilt and who have become expert at robbing you of peace of mind.  The power to not allow this is within you, perhaps buried under a painful history but there for you to develop like a muscle nonetheless and I hope the therapist  can help with this.  I understand that you FEEL alone in the world but that is actually not real.  All of us here on this site exist in time and space and have various degrees of connection to you...that is not being alone if you will allow yourself to believe in those connections.  People's concern for you and positive thoughts or good wishes are wasted only if you refuse to allow them space.  I hope your therapist can help you begin to feel more compassion for yourself and help you to face vulnerability in ways that leave you feeling neither invincible nor at the bottom of the shit heap.  Your therapist can only assist in this journey but I hope that you can again find value in you for you and I know I'm right in saying that your precious pups hope so too.

I send you a hug along with some strength to shore yourself up and sincerely hope that you will allow these to be felt.   

[KICKSTART]

Thankyou Monrein

[chook]

i have no wise words for you but want you to know that I really feel for the struggle you are going through and send you strength and hugs.

[MooseMom]

You claim to have no worth to your family.  What is their worth to you?

[KICKSTART]

Right now MM i really dont know. Im not a user, a hard hearted sort of person, but this cycle of guilt has been so drummed into me, i dont know how to change it. Even after all this i still feel guilty tonight. Im just so emotionally drained, i start to think i am selfish ?, i am a bad daughter. Im just a mess with no energy, i cant even think straight tonight. I hope the therapist can help me somehow with this barrier, im not expecting an answer to all my problems , just a way of dealing with it so its not at the front of my mind all the time. Even i can recognize from my posts how this is draining me. im starting to ask my self am i becoming mentally unbalanced ?

[jbeany]

am i becoming mentally unbalanced ?

NO.  Accepting that someone you should be able to rely on is never going to be there is a long, slow process.  I'm still irritated with my ex-husband occasionally, and it's been 4 years since he walked out.

A thought for something you could do to relieve some of the stress - have you tried to locate pet foster parents in your area?  If you can get in touch with an organization that coordinates animal fostering, you might be able to have someone to call about your pups if you have an emergency that would hospitalize you for a while.  They would shelter them until you could return home.  Plenty of organizations do similar services for military pets, too.  See if one of them could add you to their program.  If you can find one that will work with you, there would be dozens of people on call to take in the furry kids.

[MooseMom]

I like Jbeany's idea; if you had a fall-back plan for your dogs in case of an emergency, this might go some small way toward making you feel a bit more at ease.

This is the kind of thing that a good therapist can help you with.  To echo monrein, you're not going to be able to jump out of this hole in just one day.  But hopefully the therapist will show you how to build yourself a ladder that you can use to slowly but surely climb out of the abyss.  All I ask is that you be patient with yourself and to show yourself some mercy.

Guilt is so self-destructive, and that is what makes it so insidious...that we inflict it upon ourselves.  Usually we do this because deep inside, we suspect that we deserve punishment.

I want to say that I'd like for you to come and tell us how things go tomorrow...what you said, what the therapist said...but these are very private and personal conversations and I have no right to ask such a thing.  BUT if you feel like PMing me and giving me an idea of how you are feeling after your session, I'd be very eager to know how you got on.  At the very least, would you consider telling us if you are feeling any better and just leave it at that?  (I REALLY don't mean to intrude, but I know I have, and I apologize...I'm just concerned and I want so much for you to be happy.)

[KICKSTART]

Well i went for my session today, was it useful? I think so. Most of today was taken up with talking about how i got to this stage and what goals and changes i wanted to make, given it was me that would have to implement the changes and stick to them. I told her i think basically i have 2 aims , one is to be able to say no and the other is not to feel guilty for saying no. She said because i had carried this guilt around with me for so long it wasnt go to vanish overnight but if we work together we can make it less of an issue in such away that its taking over because i say no . I learned today that is ISNT my fault she chose not to answer my call on wednesday , it ISNT my fault she has chosen not to ring me since. She has made that choice, not me.  So is this therapy going to be helpful ...yes i think it is , only problem is my next appt isnt for 6 weeks !!!! So i may be leaning hard on you guys till then ! 

[MooseMom]

Oh, that is just OUTSTANDING!  What a tremendous first step!!  I am so pleased.  I really, really am extremely optimistic!  You lean as hard on us as you need to!  Congratulations!  I think you've made a wonderful breakthough.  Thank you so very much for letting us know.  Oh, this really has made my day!  I feel so much better when I know you are happy!

[looneytunes]

Lean Hard, Kickie...we can take it and are happy to be there to support you through this.   

[monrein]

Sounds like a very good start KS.  You might want to consider writing down some of the feelings that tend to come back again and again, that end up having you cave in to blaming yourself or feeling crap or guilt or whatever.  You can then bring these to your next session  (6 weeks seems too long between appts but you take what you can get) if you like,  but you can also try to stop the negative thought cycle from going on and on inside you.  Kind of like writing down on paper things that tend to keep us awake at night...it's written down so I can let go of it until I choose to pick up the paper and consider it again.

I'm very glad that the session left you feeling hopeful.