Well that didnt last long !

[KICKSTART]

Ive had a week of peace ? Till this morning !  Phone ..ring ..ring ..'Ive got to go for an x-ray so ive booked it for your day off from D and for 8.30 in the morning, so can you come with me ? '   NO , i actually said NO , not because im being selfish or uncaring (not that i got chance to put that across) but its one of the few days i have away from the hospital at the moment , nevermind do some housework/washing/shopping and spend some time with my poor pooches. Also theres not a cat in hells chance of me being ready and there for 8.30am , i take sleeping tablets and at the moment im sleeping like a baby, its my one luxury ..a lie in ! So im in the doghouse again , spent all D sat there feeling guilty, bad bad KICKSTART. Let one of the ugly sisters take her ..but no she wont even ask them ! Just as further punishment, no usual phone call from her as i get in from D.
On a positive note im seeing the therapist on Friday, she is also a renal therapist, so she will have a more rounded view on things hopefully. With a bit of luck she might send me home with a coping mechanism and a 'guilt free' one !!
I feel so angry inside with myself and other people !!

[MooseMom]

Take yourself out of the doghouse and be kind to yourself.  Show compassion for your own mind and your own body.

You have not taken the phone away from your mother.  There is no reason she cannot call one of her sisters to take her to the hospital.  You are not forcing her to call you and you only.  Suggest that she call a cab.  Cabbies need the money in these difficult times.  They would be grateful for her business.

[KICKSTART]

Moosey , you have got very wise or maybe you've always been wise ! Its not the issue of transport, its the drama of ...i have to go to the hospital , i need an x-ray, oh what if its serious? i need someone to witness the drama of it all , all im going through. You (me) will do, afterall you dont do much , you go to the hospital a couple of times a week , but you only have to sit there, whereas i need an x-ray so something must be wrong . I couldnt possibly ask my sisters , they are far to busy and i dont want to trouble them but you (me) will just be at home that day (and i expect at the back of her mind is plus you have a car) Its not the transport i just want my very precious me time ! I spend half my life at the hospital and i treasure my days away from it. I dont want to sit in a waiting room for hours on my day off , does that make me selfish ?

[MooseMom]

Of course it's about the drama!  You already know the script, so what's the point about watching the same old show over and over again?  It's gonna have the same ending.

She may need to have an audience, but it doesn't have to be you.

Bottom line, she is manipulating you simply because she knows she can.  It's her entertainment.  She is one of those very unfortunate people who has decided that she will have no life of her own, that her aim in life will be narrowed down to the entertainment value she gets from her medical drama and her manipulation of you.  She's your mother; she's had years to watch you and learn about you and she KNOWS that your guilt will get her what she wants, and she will have a damn good time watching you dance to her tune.

This has nothing to do with "selfishness".  You are not stupid, KS, and you KNOW that you are not being selfish in wanting time to yourself so that you can put your own life in some semblance of order.  You KNOW you have no reason to feel guilty, but you do because it has become a bad habit.

Why not tell your mother, "Mum, I cannot take you to the hospital that day or at that time, but I would be happy to arrange a cab for you.  If you'd rather do that yourself, here is their phone number.  When you get home, please call me and tell me how it went.  Please let me know once your GP gets your results and I am eager to hear of any diagnosis."?  With this, you are being kind, you are being attentive and you are offering a solution to the transport question, but you've removed yourself from her theatre.

[chook]

Wise advice MM. Kickstart, you need to look after No 1 - and that is yourself. Only if you are dealing good about yourself will you have the energy and strength to deal with your mothers dramas. And it sounds like you'll need quite a big reserve!

[KICKSTART]

Moosey , i could BLOODY WELL HUG YOU    heres sending you a mahoosive cyber one !

[galvo]

Good word "NO!".

[paris]

Good for you for saying NO!  I think all of IHD is applauding you!                     I understand about the sleeping. When you can't sleep and then finally can --ahhhh, a little bit of heaven.  And it feels so luxurious to stay in bed and snooze when the sun is shining.  It is your day and you need it to recover, relax and renew.  AND don't feel quilty!  You deserve a break!   Lots of hugs for you       

[Brightsky69]

Kick- My mom use to use me as her personal chauffeur . I got so feed up after years of this that I basically told her off. "I am NOT your personal TAXI SERVICE!!!!!!!!  Now she never calls me for a ride....ever.   
She didn't get mad at me or anything. Worked like a charm.   

[jbeany]

"No" is such a pretty little word when you finally remember you can say it!  Go KS!

[kamar55]

Ive had a week of peace ? Till this morning !  Phone ..ring ..ring ..'Ive got to go for an x-ray so ive booked it for your day off from D and for 8.30 in the morning, so can you come with me ? '   NO , i actually said NO , not because im being selfish or uncaring (not that i got chance to put that across) but its one of the few days i have away from the hospital at the moment

I consider my non-dialysis days to be "days off" too...just leave me alone to recover and get ready for the next treatment. Reading about your situation, your mom sounds like a drama queen and you should never feel guilty about denying her requests, esp. this last minute one.

[Des]

  me applauding! YOU GO GIRL!!!!

[RichardMEL]

if it was me I'd have said "I'm sorry but that just isn't convenient for me. I know that you took into consideration it wouldn't conflict with dialysis and all, but I don't do mornings well because of my tablets, and well I really wished you'd discussed this with me before you booked in so we could come to an arrangement that suits both of us" - OK I am sure you wouldn't FEEL like being so civil, but she may have actually been more understanding if you gave reasonable reasons, and heck I think she SHOULD have called you and said "Look I need this x-ray and I'd really appreciate it if you could help to take me? What times/days suit you so I can see what I can arrange?" I mean I understand you feel guilty and stuff, but she's asking YOU for a favour, and being half considerate, yet not telling you in advance before booking... that isn't right to me.

Just my two cents.

[KICKSTART]

RM i understand what you are putting across but its not all about the transport , its about the ..having someone there with me , holding my hand because i have to go through this terrible ordeal of having an xray !. I dont get chance to put my view across because i get the 'guilt trip' voice and the 'fine ok' then the phone goes down. Also whats all this not phoning me later in the day ? Just another sulky guilt trip thing isnt it ?
In all my time on D ive had 3 operations (all cath ones for either hemo or pd) I was also rushed in at the start of hemo lungs and heart full of fluid and very very poorly (as well people know if they have had that happen) NO ONE was with me , i didnt even get a visitor. I was rushed in with suspected peritonitis and the doctor actually put the fear of god into me by saying , if they didnt operate that night i was probably going to die, again i faced that alone , no visitor , no one with me. As it turns out the doctor was totally wrong in what he said and did and was reported by the surgeon who saw me. But the point im making is ive done all this alone. Yet an xray is a major thing that needs someone with you ? Now do you see why im slightly un-sympathetic? Doesnt stop my guilt complex tho !

[Sugarlump]

 

Why do we females find it so difficult to say that word NO!
Perhaps by the time I'm 90 I'll have learnt it too 

[Poppylicious]

Well done for saying 'No', although *huggles* for the guilt trip.  I really do think your mum and my MiL need to have their heads banged together with regards the mischief (that's far too nice a word) they manage to get up to.  Just out of interest, is she 'old'?  My MiL is only 61 but she acts as though she's about 80.  This is in complete contrast to my mum, who is 69 tomorrow but acts about 50. 

When she's calmed down perhaps you should invite her for lunch and then give her a very stern (but nice) talking to.  I would suggest trying to guilt trip her, but she sounds like the sort of woman for whom that would go *whooosh* over her head. 

[looneytunes]

Kickie...I'm sending you a huge hug this morning!   

[Tracy]

I am proud of you!  I have a mom  like that.  Continual guilt trips.  But, I am pretty evasive with her.  I think she has got it now that I can't do things for her, due to D and time constraints with that.  I hope your Mom catches on.  Maybe you could tell her that you'd like to be able to be there for her, but you HAVE to take care of yourself to even get to the next days D.  Sometimes I have to make myself rest and say no to friends.  It is hard, they even give me guilt trips too.  (With the voice).  I hope you are strong and hang in there!

Good Luck 

[KICKSTART]

NOW the game begins !!! She not rung me again tonight , so obviously its to prove a point. I know what you are all going to say ..well thats her choice not to pick up the phone and i know thats true. But can someone PLEASE tell me how to deal/cope with the guilt feelings i have ? Its been going on so long its like its been programmed into me. Im so stressed out tonight, keep going through this day after day, its no wonder im going crazy. I was just getting my self back together and now this. Its a good job im seeing the therapist on friday because i cant go on like this anymore. I cant live like this feeling guilty because ive said NO to something, its driving me  I need someone to convince me im NORMAL and i shouldnt feel guilty. Am i crazy ? Am i selfish ? I know im heading for a major breakdown if something doesnt give.
Several of you have said have a chat to her  i cant , not because i dont want to but because shes not the sort of person you can chat to. If its on the phone you get it put down on you. If its face to face you get the tears and she walks away from you , anything she doesnt want to hear you get the waterworks. Its always been the same..always. My heart is pounding tonight because i know my bp is right up because of the stress .

[willowtreewren]

Hey, KS!

I'm going to share a story about my now deceased EXTREMELY manipulative mother and my savy daughter who would NOT be manipulated. (I, like you, fell victim to the guilt trips far too easily). My daughter went to college not far from my parents and visited them often, but did not spend the night because of her busy schedule. My mother pulled the guilt thing once complaining that dear granddaughter never spent the night. And here is what happened (maybe you could adjust this script to use with your own mother)

What my daughter said: Oh, Grandmom, you're so right. I should spend the night instead of driving back to school this evening. Yes, yes, I'll do that. Oh, let's see. I will have to leave by 6:00 Am in order to get to my 8:00 AM class. Oh. I forgot, I have to finish that paper, so, I better leave a bit earlier...say 5:00 AM. Oops. I'll need to walk the dog before class, too. I think if I leave by 4:30 AM I should have enough time. So, I'll get up around 3:30 AM in order to leave in time to get everything ready. I'm so happy to be able to spend the night with you since I know how important it is for you. So I better go to bed now in order to get up that early!

I swear the girl out-guilted her grandmother. Maybe you could do that, too...

 

Hugs.
Aleta

[Sugarlump]

KS I feel for you. as every daughter knows, you spend your entire life searching for parental approval, especially from your mother and every time you think you're getting closer, someone moves the goalposts again...
We never really get it . I think its easier to deal with our own emotions and learn not to feel so guilty. It is perfectly OK to say you need some me time inbetween dialysis. ESRF is a very draining disease, and dialysis takes a lot out of us, both physically and mentally. So it IS important to take time to allow your body and soul to recover. Other people find it hard to understand this, but anyone who's been on dialysis knows.
Do NOT let other people to make you feel guilty for this. Ever.
Your needs are as valid as the next person.
You are NOT being selfish. You are respecting your own body's needs. So go ahead ...
 

[KICKSTART]

Just to be the bigger person , ive rung her ..she is not answering the phone. She Never goes out at night , so now im left worrying is she alright or is it just another game ? I guess i will know tomorrow, neighbours have my contact number if anything is wrong. I am not going up there tonight because my head tells me its just another attention seeking game to get me to worry even more. This is how she does things. She has her phone at the side of her if she needs help and if she checks her phone she can see if she has missed a call from me , so she will know ive rung and shes had plenty of time to return my call now, if she was having a bath or something.

[Tracy]

Aleta, priceless! 

My Mom always says, My grandaughter doesn't ever call me or come see me.  I said, MOM, why don't YOU call her.  Well, I don't want to BOTHER her.  UGH. 

KS, a lot of us have Mom's that do the guilt thing.  Your therapist needs to giver you some good coping mechanisms to help get your head around it all.  I think you are normal to have guilty feelings.  There are probably a lot of children that do with their parents.  Maybe you could learn how to let it go somehow.  I take anti depressants that help me a lot. 

Good Luck!! 

[kamar55]

[quote author=  Your therapist needs to giver you some good coping mechanisms to help get your head around it all.  I think you are normal to have guilty feelings.  There are probably a lot of children that do with their parents.  Maybe you could learn how to let it go somehow.  I take anti depressants that help me a lot.  /quote]

I agree that coping mechanisms from a therapist could be a great help. Have a checklist of them handy when you have to deal with your mother. And maybe anti-anxiety/stress meds could help too. Take care....

[RichardMEL]

I'm still trying to come to grips with the concept of someone needing to have their hand held (I know not literally!) for having a freakin' x-ray. I mean.. REALLY? Just be glad she's not male and having her stent removed!!!  (although a nice nurse did offer to hold MY hand!  ).

The thing is KS you've demonstrated that you know after much bitter experience how she operates, the games she plays etc. I'm not saying that it's easy, but you can use that insigh to hopefully get some perspective (as it seems you are from your posts) as to where she is at, and her motivations.

Remember the most important person in your world is you - and you have to look after yourself and your life and not let ANYONE else make you feel guilty for making reasonable choices.