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Author Topic: $10,000  (Read 696 times)
Sunny
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Sunny

« on: October 22, 2010, 05:14:59 PM »

I'm feeling rather devastated.I now know my husband paid my sister donor $10,250 to cover "expenses" for two months disability. $5,000 per month.
How many of YOU need $5,000 a month to cover expenses? My husband doesn't even bring home that much. He sold stock in our retirement fund.
Suddenly my new excellent kidney doesn't seem like a loving gift anymore. Maybe it's the prednisone affecting me, but I am so hurt. Throughout it all my kidney is a real trooper. It's just that I now feel like I have to bifurcate my feelings about loving my new kidney and knowing my sister was paid to give it to  me.
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Sunny, 49 year old female
 pre-dialysis with GoodPastures
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« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2010, 05:24:40 PM »

Oh my word, Sunny! This is shocking. I'm not on prednisone and I think this is just wrong! And probably illegal >:( unless your sister can show that she actually lost or needed to spend $10,000 because of the donation. What was your husband thinking in not checking with you? It is, as you put it, 'our' retirement fund.

I am so sorry. I can completely see why you feel shattered. Of course this will taint the idea that this was done out of compassion for you! I wish I knew what to say to make you feel at peace with this. :grouphug;
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paris
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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2010, 06:57:34 PM »

Oh Sunny---this is shocking.  I can't begin to know how you feel.   $5,000 tax free, a month is a nice life style.  I'm sorry Sunny.  You don't need this stress right now.  You need rest and calm.   This just makes my heart hurt for you.   Somehow you will have to put this behind you so you can continue to recover and enjoy this kidney.   Just don't name the kidney after your sister!!      Sending you love and good thoughts   :cuddle;
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« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2010, 05:33:20 AM »

It probably was hard on him to see you suffer, and just bought your way out.  What I'm shocked at is your sister would take it.  Don't be surprised if she comes back for more.  Tell her she will be put in jail for extortion.

I can see a "little" help with expenses, but $5,000 a month? 

At least you don't OWE her anything for your new life.  She was PAID!

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BASSMAN
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« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2010, 06:50:33 AM »

Compensation for lost income is legal.  Whether 5000.00 a month is excessive depends on her income/lifestyle ratio.  5000.00 a month translates to 60,000.00 a year income level.  If she makes less than that a year it is over compensation.  Take that into consideration.  Only you know her income level. 

If she is taking advantage of the situation, then shame on her. 

Let it go, don't let it come between you and your sister.  Some people are just greedy.  Your health is worth more than any amount of money.  I know my words will not heal your hurt but family often disappoint and you are the better person if you let it go.

It is a shame, because a gift like this can create such a bond between people and greed comes in and destroys it.

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Membranous Glomerulonephritis confirmed by biopsy in  April 1989
currently Stage IV CRF
GFR 18
Creatinine 3.9
AV fistula (radiocephalic) placed September 24, 2009
Began transplant evaluation November 11, 2009
Completed transplant eval and approved for transplant February 10, 2010
Received confirmation letter I am on the UNOS list February 18, 2010
Wife began donor testing March 1, 2010
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Jie
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« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2010, 03:03:50 PM »

Sunny, just take it easy if your HB can afford it. Don't let such things to bother you. Legally, I think there is a problem with paying lost wages with self employment. But she is your sister, even if she did not donate a kidney, you might be still willing to help her if she had a difficulty. One friend of mine donated a kidney to his brother and still felt the pain half year after the surgery. So some donators may suffer quite a bit.
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RichardMEL
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« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2010, 06:01:03 PM »

wow. That's wrong in so many ways, but can be also rationalised in a number of ways too I think. How did your husband justify it? On the grounds of your well being? Did your sister actually DEMAND this much?? If so that is so wrong. It's supposed to be a gift of love. Yes, absolutely help out with meds, accom, incidentals etc - I would do that - but be reasonable. Paying $5k/month seems like an ambit claim and she's taking advantage.

It's so difficult when it's intra-family, because it can be couched in so many ways - a gift, support for lost income/expenses, even a loan (that won't be paid back) and legally it could be a minefield.

I tend to agree that you should try to not let this become a massive issue for you  - at the very least the stress will upset your BP and affect the kidney - and that's the last thing anyone wants.

I can absolutely understand being hurt and angry though!!! Hubby should have discussed it with you before this all went ahead. Heck, your sister should have made her demands to BOTH of you up front and let you both decide what(if anything) was reasonable to you. On the surface it sounds like this has gone on behind your back, but then again we need to be careful to not jump to conclusions when we don't really know all the facts - for example it may have started out as an query from hubby to sister about how he could help with any bills she needed paying, meds etc, and turned into something else. Maybe her claim was more for what she expected she'd need rather than a greedy thing. In situations like this it might be very important to actually know all the facts, and the intent of the various parties before passing judgement.

Still, on the surface, it's quite shocking :(
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3/1993: Diagnosed with Kidney Failure (FSGS)
25/7/2006: Started hemo 3x/week 5 hour sessions :(
27/11/2010: Cadaveric kidney transplant from my wonderful donor!!! "Danny" currently settling in and working better every day!!! :)

BE POSITIVE * BE INFORMED * BE PROACTIVE * BE IN CONTROL * LIVE LIFE!
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« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2010, 01:27:23 PM »

I understand your feelings Sunny but you are the winner above all with the kidney. Does it really matter. $10250.00 you will make that up in the long haul. Try to put the other feelings aside and just be happy you have a new kidney and try to make the best of it. Can't change it now and why let it come between you and your family. Life is too short. Just my  :twocents; worth.
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MooseMom
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2010, 01:57:58 PM »

 :cuddle;  It's easy for all of us to spout our opinions!  So, I'm going to go with the flow and spout mine.  This financial arrangement doesn't surprise me that much.  From what I've read in your posts about your sister, she does seem to be an odd sort, so this latest chapter in the Sister Saga is not too astonishing.  I would gladly pay $10,000 to a demanding, matching family member if it meant that I'd escape dialysis and have a new lease on life!  Please, count your blessings.  Your sister has some problems.  I don't know the nature of them, but she seems a bit unbalanced.

I can understand that you'd be upset that your husband paid her out of your retirement fund, but perhaps he wanted to make sure you had the best chance to even REACH retirement.

Essentially, what's done is done, and now you have some choices to make.  You get to decide how all of this is going to affect your brand new life.
Choose wisely. :cuddle;


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M3Riddler
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« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2010, 02:53:44 PM »

I'm feeling rather devastated.I now know my husband paid my sister donor $10,250 to cover "expenses" for two months disability. $5,000 per month.
How many of YOU need $5,000 a month to cover expenses? My husband doesn't even bring home that much. He sold stock in our retirement fund.
Suddenly my new excellent kidney doesn't seem like a loving gift anymore. Maybe it's the prednisone affecting me, but I am so hurt. Throughout it all my kidney is a real trooper. It's just that I now feel like I have to bifurcate my feelings about loving my new kidney and knowing my sister was paid to give it to  me.

Im wondering if your sister would have donated the kidney if she had not received a payment of 10,000. 
If you are working full time, then your employer has to give you FMLA ( Familhy Medical Leave Act) time off. You can also take short term disability and be compensated.
Unfortunately, in my opinion,  sometimes money talks.

My brother is a pefect match and would never accept any money for the gift of life. The employer cannot fire someone for donating an order. If they look down upon it and give you any issues, its nothing that a good media story wouldnt be able to turn around......This is all just my opinion....

///M3R   
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paris
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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2010, 03:38:50 PM »

Sunny, just needed to say something else.  Since I am not too far ahead of you in this transplant journey,  I know how my emotions have been. About 2 weeks ago, the financial part of all of this started to really stress me.  We have really good insurance (or so the financial co-ordinator has told us!).  But my co-pays for 3 months worth of prescriptions is over $700.  I have been worrying about how all this is effecting our finances.  My husband keeps saying things will be fine.  If I were to find out that he had spent $10,000 on anything right now, especially taking it from retirement, I know it would stress me very much.  Logically, I would know that I needed the kidney, but emotionally I would be quite upset.  We are full of new, heavy duty medicines and our bodies have been through the most major surgery we will have.  Our emotions are all over the place.       Plus, you have some history with your sister and she has caused you concern before.    This is a vulnerable time. This journey is really just beginning and everything is so different -- a whole new way of life.   Those around us just see we have a new kidney and can't really know how physically and emotionally drained we are.  I think your husband did this out of love.  He would probably do anything to help you feel better. 

How are you feeling?  Please get lots of rest and don't push yourself.  Take each day as it comes.  You are the most important thing right now. Nothing else matters.  Wait a few months until you are stronger and then go to your sister and use Kit's bat!   :Kit n Stik;     (Had to add a little humor!) 
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Sunny
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Sunny

« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2010, 04:07:21 PM »

I am feeling pretty darn good, so yes, I've decided the money exchange was all worth it. In time I'll get to that conclusion.
Two years ago when my sister worked for a bank she probably was paid $60,000 a year, I don't know for sure.Then she was on unemployment for over a year and a half, then she started back to work self employed a couple months ago.As Bassman points out, it is legal to pay lost earnings and expenses. I just can't believe my sister would actually ask for lost income rather than just expenses. My husband did it out of desperation. He asked her how much she would need for living expenses for two months, and she presented him with her demands. I think that is what closed the deal in the end. Otherwise I still wouldn't have her kidney and she would still be "deciding" when she felt like giving it to me.I'll get past this and I know I am so lucky not to go on dialysis or to even get a fistula. It's just that my sister held my family hostage for more than a year while she made up her mind over donation and in the end it was the money that allowed me to have it now, instead of a year from now. I will forgive everything, I love her. Talking with you about this here where I feel safe is already allowing me to work through this. Thank you.
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Sunny, 49 year old female
 pre-dialysis with GoodPastures
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