I just feel

[GoingThere]

so depressed. I'm still waiting for my lab results (14 days from chech up). On Wednesday I have Doppler of my arm's veins and I know, that the end is near (Frank Sinatra). Yesterday I cried to my parents, who are wonderful and they are wiling to give me their kidney. But my father is too old and I don't wanna "butcher" my mother with all check-ups. Aggggrrrr, I'm so angry and sad.

I increased the dosage of my AD (Zoloft) and facing side effects. 

Please, I need some positive lines here. Richard, your humor is much appreciated now.

GoingThere alias Uros

[del]

Gettingthere it is normal to feel depressed with such a major change in your life.  Depression seems to go hand in hand with kidney failure.  I think sometimes it is the fear of the unknown and the fact that you don't have a lot of control over what is happening.  Check out all the options for dialysis.  There is a choice of dialysis - PD, incenter conventional, in center nocturnal, home nocturnal, short daily treatments. Be sure to find out info on all types so that you can make the best choice for you.  Education yourself as much as you can about kidney failure, diet, dialysis and transplant.

[cariad]

I am sorry to hear this, Uros. I love that you are on here looking for humour to distract you, though. That's the spirit. Some days, if we do not laugh, we'll cry. I hope the Zoloft increase does the trick.

Come on, Richard, no pressure, just get over here and entertain us!

[Sunny]

I know what it feels like to be in the depths of depression. I understand what you are enduring right now.
Hang tight and get yourself through these difficult days. Sometimes it's easy to think the future is too hard to face, so at times like these take one day at a time and enjoy the things you can in that one day. Worry about next week when it's here. Pretty soon you will  feel like your usual self again. Spoil yourself in some way that usually helps to make you feel better. You deserve to take care of yourself at moments like this. 

[KICKSTART]

Goingthere ..if you want a laugh , just check out del's post ..you are now renamed! Gettingthere !!! and i just feel you need a  KS

[billybags]

GoingThere,  Yes it is scary, some people take many years before they get there, some people do not have much time to plan before they get there..As Del says check out your options, if you are still working an over night cycler may be what you need, it gives you all day to do your thing.Do not let the powers to be push you in any direction. Knowledge is the thing and you have come to the right place to find answers. Having said that, it is scary but there are many positive things about dialysis, you will feel a lot better to start with, it may not be instant, it may take a little while, but you will get there.Depression is part of dialysis, your whole life is about to change, you have to be positive about this,easier said than done, but read some of the things that people do on this site, it will not hold you back if you think positive. You are young, your day will come when you can have a transplant, alot of people on here are not so lucky.Take each day as it comes, face it head on. I must have had too much wine last night, I am waffling on.Look forward to reading your posts.

[Quickfeet]

I get major depression too. But you need to remember feelings don't equal reality. What we go through is pretty crappy, but it isn't the end of the world.

Humans can adapt to anything. It will take time but you will adapt to the changes in your life. I have experienced  a lot of changes over the last few years as I slowly lost kidney function. I rode the emotional rollercoaster. I spent days down in that dark deep pit. But I am doing better now. Dialysis is becoming more routine. I have become accustomed to the pain I have to experience. I'm starting to have "OK" days. I'm beginning to feel like I might actually be able to go back to work. So not the end for me.

This might sound a little crazy. One benefit is that you see things differently. You see things that other people miss. Events have new meanings. I can see how petty and stupid arguing is. I can see how pointless possessions are. My compassion and sympathy for people has been stretched and enriched.

Hey you should come up with a cool motto.
The world keeps trying to kill me; I say bring it on. 
Maybe other people could share theirs

[del]

  !!  Sorry about getting your name wrong, Goingthere but you are getting there!!    Just take one day at a time and appreciate every minute!!

[GoingThere]

Thank you for your kind words. I've been in the mountains today and it felt well. Mircera is doing great, as I can do what I like most - going in the mountains. My kidney failure changed me a lot. I used to be a career focused guy, but now I search for smaller things, like a human smile and a hug. But  this world is so materialistic.

Now keep fingers crossed that Zoloft will kick in. I really hate this period of time, cause side effects make things more darker. And as an anxiety human beeing as I am, I keep measuring my BP in this state. And yes, I do get strange values, like 150/80, 140/80. Maybe I should stop measuring my BP .

Take care,

GoingThere

[RichardMEL]

Going There - hmm you want humour? Well how about I tell you about my love life...

... OK I'm done! 

mate I know you love Frank, but I think you're focusing on the wrong words of that song. I think you should focus on doing it "My Way" !! In no way does this mean the end is near.. just another chapter starting. Yes, this is a scary and stressful time(much like it is for any girl who is silly enough to go on a date with me  ). The thing is you need to adjust to ESRD.. but it's certainly not the end! You can still focus on your career and stuff.. dialysis is the aid that helps you focus on the positive things in life - well that's how I view it anyway.

Hang in there!!

[MooseMom]

Of course you feel depressed, sad and angry.  You have every reason to feel this way because what you are going through is one of the most painful of life's experiences.  I feel exactly like you do, so I understand it entirely.  I had to choke back sobs while the surgeon was mapping my arm, and when the day of surgery arrived, I didn't bother holding anything back.  I announced to the anesthesiologist that this was the worst day of my life and to give me whatever was necessary to ensure that I didn't remember a second of it.  Thankfully, he obliged.

Much to my surprise, once the surgery was over and I had finally crossed that point of no return (getting my fistula created), I felt great relief.  I haven't started dialysis yet, but now that I know that I was able to live through the fistula creation, I have more confidence that I will live through the transition on to D when it happens.  You may experience the same thing.

As a parent myself, if I knew that I could save my child the trauma of dialysis, I'd think that giving my own kidney would be a very small price to pay.  Allow your mother the opportunity to do this for you.  This is what being a parent is all about.

[cariad]

Going There - hmm you want humour? Well how about I tell you about my love life...

... OK I'm done! 

mate I know you love Frank, but I think you're focusing on the wrong words of that song. I think you should focus on doing it "My Way" !! In no way does this mean the end is near.. just another chapter starting. Yes, this is a scary and stressful time(much like it is for any girl who is silly enough to go on a date with me  ). The thing is you need to adjust to ESRD.. but it's certainly not the end! You can still focus on your career and stuff.. dialysis is the aid that helps you focus on the positive things in life - well that's how I view it anyway.

Hang in there!!

You certainly rose to the humour challenge, Richard. I feel happier after laughing along with your post, and I hope Uros does, too.

[GoingThere]

Yes, RichardMEL did it again - like Britney Spears. Yo made me smile. I hope, that someday, when I'll get new kidney, I will manage to travel to your country and meet you. You would realize, that I'm also a comedian .
Thanks to everyone else. You've become my second family.

Uros

[Riki]

Any time I have to do anything crappy, I think of my grandmother.  We're a lot alike, in that we are pint sized with big behinds *L*

In 2002, when my last transplanted kidney was just beginning to fail, my grandmother had to have her leg amputated due to hardening of the artieries that was so bad, it had blocked the circulation to her.  At the time, I was living with an old boyfriend in the small town in Nova Scotia where both our families are from, and one day in particular, I was walking home from work, and my grandfather drove up.  I'm guessing that he was just driving by and saw me.  He stopped and told me that Gram was in the hospital, and they were going to ship her to a bigger hospital in Halifax that day, and if I wanted to see her, to get in the car.  He took me to see her, and I talked to her for a bit.  She told me what was going on.  She said that when the doctor told her that there was probably no saving her foot, she told him, "Ok.  Saw 'er off.  Let's get it over and done with."  She's only 5ft tall, but she's tough as nails. *L*

So now,when I have to do something that I don't particularly want to do, and I'd say that the last thing was getting the fistula put in last November, I think of her, and her saying, "Saw 'er off."  Even with non medical stuff, I'll say that, and then giggle, but I'm the only one who gets the joke

[gothiclovemonkey]

Look at the lighter side my friend.
here was a search... this is what came up
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=573.0
And a fun bit of info about me. I am nuts, i battle the depression, im not medicated (although i totally should be, but there is a huge lack of psychologists here for some reason) im on dialysis, some days are good some are bad. One thing that keeps me going? proving people wrong. You can live with disease, with illness, and sadness, and all the woes that life throws us. Let us get kicked to the dirt, and covered in mud, we can pick ourselves up and clean ourselves off. All we need is a place, like this one, to get us thru the bad days! Chin up my friend, if u need someone to rant to, feel free

[Rivy]

so depressed. I'm still waiting for my lab results (14 days from chech up). On Wednesday I have Doppler of my arm's veins and I know, that the end is near (Frank Sinatra). Yesterday I cried to my parents, who are wonderful and they are wiling to give me their kidney. But my father is too old and I don't wanna "butcher" my mother with all check-ups. Aggggrrrr, I'm so angry and sad.

I increased the dosage of my AD (Zoloft) and facing side effects. 

Please, I need some positive lines here. Richard, your humor is much appreciated now.

GoingThere alias Uros

Wow! Uros,   I'm feeling you..The same thing I went through with my parents...It's always a wait to be on the transplant list and who knows that you need a kidney it's always up to them to follow up with it...It's a hard process..and I still wonder why I haven't gotten a kidney yet after 5 months and being on dialysis for 3 years...what are they waiting for ...I know not that many are on the kidney list and their are over twenty deaths a day..go figure!  Hang it there!  You'll know that going to do dialysis is just a job that will keep you alive.  Make the best of it and make a change...Do something positive...Go in a trip!  Get away from it!! for awhile... You have a lot of support and your parents are the number one support...That's all that we can count on!!    Rivy