Im drowning

[KICKSTART]

in that black hole again guys. I know i come on here full of bravado, but in truth guys im worn out. Im weary , in pain , sick of dialysis , sick of fighting , everything. I know some of you probably find it hard to believe half the things that have happened to me , but i really feel like ive been dealt a crap hand through a lot of dialysis , more so on Hemo. Ive just had my pd cath out as you know , but what you dont know is for 5 yrs ive lived in pain. Yes ive told doctors and nurses about it , but they all seemed to think it was in my head , till they took my pd cath out. All the time it was in if i moved or bent over i would get jabbed just under my ribs and i knew it was where my cath ended but no one believed me and it always worked fine. When they took it out they said they had never seen one like it , it was half the normal length and straight , so it went straight across of course and poked me on the other side , so now they believe me , now its gone and i have no pain , they believe me.  Also forgot to mention the day at dialysis after my op the nurse trapped the end of her rubber glove in my clamp on my neck line but hadnt realised and turned away , she nearly took me and the line with her and im so sore there now as well. All little things i know but all starting to wear me down.
I know , i know people will say stay positive .. but what for ? My brothers off to live in Oz in two weeks and all my family are having a get together at my auntys (my mums sister) and where am i? sat here. I didnt get invited , i never do , i honestly dont know why , but no one in the family says anything to defend me.
So when it comes down to it , all i put myself through all this shit for is my two beautiful dogs and i will continue to put myself through it for as long as they depend on me. I wont see them harmed or rehomed , they will stay with me to the end of their days and then i can call it a day as well.
I dont want sympathy , im not making excuses , its just another page in the book of Kickstart and i needed to write it down.

[Deanne]

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. 

[galvo]

I feel for you, buddy. I don't have any good advice except that, as your two babies need you so much, you have to keep blundering on. Heck, I need you! I've learned lots of stuff from you in the brief time I've been on here.

[Darthvadar]

Keep the flag flying, KS...

Love to the people with paws!...

God bless....

Darth....

[Poppylicious]

Awww, *hugs ks and her doggies*

Be good to yourself. 

[looneytunes]

KS...you have another great reason to keep on going....we here at IHD need all the support we can get and you are always there for us.  Sorry things have been so rough and the family thing sucks!  Here's a hug for you   

[paris]

I am sorry, Kickstart.  Sometimes life just stinks.  We need you      

[st789]

Sorry to hear it.  Go to places where you will feel loves, encouragements and positives environment.

[monrein]

I hope you feel both better and more hopeful soon.   

[Goofy]

I said it before; you are a lot stronger than you think you are.  You have been through SO much recently; its understandable you are down.  It’s bad enough that you have to deal with rude people at dialysis and in the hospital but I really feel bad for you with the family thing.

The same thing has been happening to me and my husband the last few years.  We were the ones to always have the big family parties.  My husband has a large family and I only have a sister, brother-in-law with one son.  We were always the ones making sure people had a place to go for the holidays. That's part of the reason we would have such large groups over. We'd even invite neighbors whose families were out of town because don’t like to see people alone. 

So for years we shopped, brought all the tables and chairs up from the basement, (I always preferred a sit down dinner for the holidays.  My house is not a mansion but one Christmas we had a sit down dinner for 40 people).  We'd cook packed food for people to take home, I never yelled or complained about all the little ones running around my house and the reason is because family is very important to me.

We have two children and they both live in CA (We live in IL) so it’s not always possible to be together on all the holidays and we don't really invite people over much anymore.  So now guess what?  The last three years my husbands I have either stayed alone or sometimes go to a friend’s house for holidays.  Each year I get so upset because all those years we had all those parties, we sit here, alone, and no one even has the decency to invite us over. They all know my kids are gone and its just me and my husband.

Oops.....I lied......my sister-in-law invited us over last year for Thanksgiving and they didn't have enough seats at the table so I told my sister-in-law we could just eat in the other room.  At that moment I just wanted to cry and leave.  I felt like I was not welcome.  She knew we were coming so you'd think they would make sure to accommodate everyone.

I could go on an on about family stuff but I guess I just wanted to tell you that it happens in a lot of families.  Do you know any people who live alone that you could get together with?  A lot of times I would invite people from work over for dinner.  Most of the people I'd ask were people who weren't married and were by themselves.

I HATE when people are left out.  But that all stems from my childhood..........since were not here for mental help, I'll spare you of the details!!!

Since you love your dogs so much, is there a park or somewhere to take them to run around?  You may meet someone there and start a friendship.  Even at dialysis.  Are there people there in the same position as you?  Maybe you could make you own little "family"?

[Phraxis]

I have been reading your posts these months, and will say first off, I believe you.

Next, as my Dad used to say as we pushed 2,000 pound 'floats' of silver ore -- another story, it is time to "GET MEAN!!!!"

There are lots of variations of this advice but it translates to when times are hard you have a single decision to make, give up or get the job done. I know some people make the decision to give up but you don't strike me as a person who gives up.

Dialysis is the single deepest darkest hole that I have ever had the misfortune of being in. And through some good fortune, and the love of my sister, I have escaped but it remains my single fear that I will have to return to a dialysis ward. So believe me when I say that I recognize how hard it is for you but you have value and importance that overshadows the pain of "now". I can offer no comfort but the onfidence that survival is worth it, and you have the complete and full support of the IHD community.

[RightSide]

in that black hole again guys. I know i come on here full of bravado, but in truth guys im worn out. Im weary , in pain , sick of dialysis , sick of fighting , everything. I know some of you probably find it hard to believe half the things that have happened to me , but i really feel like ive been dealt a crap hand through a lot of dialysis , more so on Hemo....
So when it comes down to it , all i put myself through all this shit for is my two beautiful dogs and i will continue to put myself through it for as long as they depend on me. I wont see them harmed or rehomed , they will stay with me to the end of their days and then i can call it a day as well.
I dont want sympathy , im not making excuses , its just another page in the book of Kickstart and i needed to write it down.

I feel for you, believe me.

But I admire your strength in being able to get through all this and get past all this.

Some time we ought to compare notes, a kind of "Can You Top This?" game.

I live alone.  I don't even have any dogs.  I don't even have any goldfish.  The only living things sharing my home are dust mites and an occasional spider.

Oftentimes I ask myself why I bother to keep going with dialysis.  I ask myself--but I keep on going.  Two things drive me onward:  Simple animal preservation instinct--and an intellectual curiosity to see how this all pans out in the end.

[boswife]

oh my, this is a hard one not to respond to, but yet i really dont have the words to explain all that it makes me feel.  (that could be a good thing..lol)  I do know how it puls us down just trying over and over to 'get over' things pulling us down.  You sure have had your share!  I feel so lucky.................right now!  We have just 6 months ago been on a much worse path of health, that i pray every day not to let us go back *there* yet.  I just dont have the strength.  You have to have some time to gather some strength to give it another go at it all.  I dont know how i'll do that myself if we have another sickness too soon.  I do feel much like you in my love for my dogs.  withougt them, im not so sure of whre i'd be.  I actually use a service dog that alearts me to oncoming stress panic so i can keep my life in some sort of balance...(i have bad panic AFTER perionds of streess which causes awful things with me and she catches me before and sets it off to another direction)   Anyway, use your dogs for reliese.. I can tell your love of dog is what keeps you going, so find out ways to use that even more.   Im kind of going 'off' here, just guess i should send you prayers of health and healing and hush now.     
ps.. i laughed at the "can you top this"  response  from RIghtSide.

[jdkaran]

Sir, I am brand new on this site and have been a NXStage Home Hemo patient for 9 months.  I consider myself to be upbeat and grateful to have a chance at life.  Until Sunday!!!  I woke up tired, miserable, feeling sorry for myself and the last thing I wanted to do was stab 2 3" inch nails in my arm and act like it does not hurt.   So I moaned and groaned , was sorta angry at the world and then JUST LIKE MAGIC MONDAY APPEARED!!!!  What a glorious day.  Give yourself the right to be upset once in a while but remember it will pass  God Bless