people look at you different/ how do you start over?

[sumodidit]

I have been dialysis for two years now. During dialysis I got my associates degree, started my own company, planning on going back to get my bachelor's, anything and everything to get the wheels turning. I have been struggling to live a normal life. I have develop friendships in the clinic, trying to hangout with my friends. The one thing I notice is that mostly everyone treats me different when they find out about my health situation. I don't know how to explain it but no matter what I do I get the impression from most people that I am not human, sub human in fact. I am not suppose to do anything but sit there and look stupid. The worst situation I had was when I asked about a young lady from a mutual friend because I liked her, she is beautiful, successful, she got her stuff together. The friend responded with she will not date you because of what you are, I was like what do you mean. He responded with because she is beautiful and successful and you are a dialysis patient, no job....she can have any guy why would she choose you. That has made a big impact on my life and I think about it on a daily basis. I am single so I would like to start dating but I feel sharing my health problem is a big burden not only to myself but to even to tell somebody you like, I think its too much. Some people would wish the best for me but really would like to see me fail......in my mind I'm like why? I can keep on rambling but I just wanted to know if anyone experience that people treat you different and how do you start over?

[CybeR]

I have been dialysis for two years now. During dialysis I got my associates degree, started my own company, planning on going back to get my bachelor's, anything and everything to get the wheels turning. I have been struggling to live a normal life. I have develop friendships in the clinic, trying to hangout with my friends. The one thing I notice is that mostly everyone treats me different when they find out about my health situation. I don't know how to explain it but no matter what I do I get the impression from most people that I am not human, sub human in fact. I am not suppose to do anything but sit there and look stupid. The worst situation I had was when I asked about a young lady from a mutual friend because I liked her, she is beautiful, successful, she got her stuff together. The friend responded with she will not date you because of what you are, I was like what do you mean. He responded with because she is beautiful and successful and you are a dialysis patient, no job....she can have any guy why would she choose you. That has made a big impact on my life and I think about it on a daily basis. I am single so I would like to start dating but I feel sharing my health problem is a big burden not only to myself but to even to tell somebody you like, I think its too much. Some people would wish the best for me but really would like to see me fail......in my mind I'm like why? I can keep on rambling but I just wanted to know if anyone experience that people treat you different and how do you start over?

Hey sumo,

While I can't relate 100% to your story. I have been on the verge of divorce many times. I often wonder what it will be like trying to date while on dialysis. Would I say something right away or keep it to myself till something develops? I think probably keeping it to yourself is probably the best short term solution to your dating problems.

As for the girl that turned you down due to health issues. You are probably better off. In fact I am pretty sure of it.

Hate to use a cliché but. Sooner or later you'll meet the one that is right for you.

In the meantime, just have some fun! If you ever want to come out to LA come on over man. We'll hang out and do the lounge scene in Hollywierd. 

[Des]

Sumo,

You do look like a handsome man. I cannot for one moment see why any beautiful woman would not want you.  But lets face it the medical problems can be a turnoff to the fly-by-nights but to the "one" that really cares it will be just something special that she can help you with.  She is out there. PLEASE do not give up in finding her. You will be happy. Do not give up hope in finding her.

Hugs

[Jean]

It's her loss Sumo. You just keep on being you. I think if I were in your situation, and was dating, I would wait awhile before I told my date about the kidney. Then, when you do tell, you will be able to see if she is even worth dating. I dont think people look at me differently, but they do look at me in pity, which drives me to do things I know darned good and well I should not be doing. Just to show how tough I am. Boy, that is funny!!!!

[Mimi]

Sumo, don't worry when the right one comes along, she won't care if it harelips New York, you'll be hers - dialysis and all.
Good luck and keep your chin up. 

[zona]

I agree with Des,you are a handsome man,Dont give up,you will find someone who loves you just the way you are.

[lizabee]

I was always leary about revealing my condition too, I finally let someone in a couple years ago (before I was on dialysis) and he bolted...which again made me put the walls up and stop getting close to anyone for fear of rejection.  I went to my HS reunion (15 years) and saw someone from HS and we reconnected.  I decided to let him in on my secret and was surprised that he didn't run!  We have now been married for a year and he has stood by me while I started dialysis, went from working FT to PT and through several hospital visits and surgeries.  He tested to see if he could donate to me and he continues to support me in every way.  My point is, sooner or later the right person will come into your life!  The waiting is the crappy part!  Good luck!

[Poppylicious]

If I'd known that my Blokey was suffering from kidney disease when we met I would still have gone out with/married him.  And I certainly wouldn't leave him now he's been diagnosed (of course, that doesn't stop him leaving me *chuckle*).  I'm in love with the whole package, even if the whole package is flawed and occasionally panics me. 

The worst situation I had was when I asked about a young lady from a mutual friend because I liked her, she is beautiful, successful, she got her stuff together. The friend responded with she will not date you because of what you are, I was like what do you mean. He responded with because she is beautiful and successful and you are a dialysis patient, no job....she can have any guy why would she choose you.

Did she actually say that or does he just assume that she would say that (or is he twisting what she said so it's not quite what she said)? 

You're a good looking, intellectual and interesting chap.  I suspect you have a good sense of humour too.  When the right women comes along she won't be able to resist you ... and it's probably best you're up front about the dialysis quite early on because the right woman won't let that put her off.

[peleroja]

You start over by realizing you are still a viable human being, just a little tweaked.  That's why we named our support group The Kidney Beings.  We are all kidney patients, but we are also human beings, hence Kidney Beings.  There will always be sheer idiocy in your life, you just learn to deal with it.  Take the newest member of our Kidney Beings, when she was diagnosed with ESRD, her husband moved out of the bedroom because he "didn't want to catch it!!!!!"  Just know that you're a much better person because you are not as judgmental as they are.  Sending you warm fuzzies and hugs for quick mental healing.

[Goofy]

If the girl was actually the one to say she was not interested because of "your condition", then who'd want to be with someone like that anyway?  But if your friend just "assumed" she would not be interested, then maybe you should try to approach her yourself.

Not everone out there is superficial or shallow; there are people who will care about "you" and not how you look  or how much money you make or what material things you can give them. 

Just think if you had a relationship with someone who was not comfortable with the kidney issue, could you imagine if you ever got so sick from something that you couldn't do anything for yourself?  To me, the only word that comes to mind is......bye bye.

I don't necessarily agree that I would wait to tell someone.  This is how it is and they have to accept it.  And how do you hide the fact you're on dialysis. 

I would just introduce myself to someone and say hi, my name is.......and I have kidney disease.  I wouldn't go out of my way to "hide" it but if an opportunity came up in the conversation I would mention it.  You could just kind of skirt around the details.  Just make it sound like hey, its no big deal. 

I'm not sure if you ever plan on getting a transplant, but you could mention that one day you'll have a new kidney and and you can say good bye to the machine!

And think of it this way, some may be turned off by the whole dialysis thing but what if you come across someone who is willing to get tested!  You never know.

In the beginning my NEH told me to let everyone I know I need a transplant.  You just never know who will be your guardian angel!!

Where do you live?  Maybe there's even someone in this group that would be interested!!!!!  You'd sure have a lot in common!!

[pamster42000]

I wouldn't take to heart what this mutual friend said about her not dating you. That is just his/her opinion. I would ask her on a date and she can either say yes or no. Either way you will know then. Even if she says no it may be for other reasons than you being on dialysis. Your only asking for a date for goodness sake.

I guess it is human nature to be afraid of the unkown so some people appear or act differently at times around a situation that is new to them. Myself I find people with health conditions have a honestly to them and have insight to life that is overwhelming.

[sumodidit]

Wow!! I wouldl like to thank everyone for giving so much information. After my friend told me that nonsense it had motivated me to go and speak to her. As for the girl. I have tried to become her friend and it is a hot and cold situation. At the end I think she likes me as a friend but nothing more because I had just recently asked her out for the third time in the time frame of almost a year. I got turned down, so now I am the point of spacing myself away from her. She is actually the first girl that I have asked out within 5 years....since I got sick. So I felt really bad when she turned me down recently and the other two times. Now I guess you can say I'm back in my protective shell but at least I have no regrets!! Thank you all!!

[Goofy]

I know this really only happens in movies but my nephew just loved this girl from the time he was 16.  She didn't have any interest in him other than a friendship. 

She went on to get married and had two children.  The marrigage was not working out so she called my nephew just to have him as support.

I'm sure you can figure out the rest of the story.......they ended up getting married and now have a beautiful baby together! 

To make it a little harder, she lived in Hawaii and my nephew livesin Illinois.  Stranger things have happened!!  You never know what your future holds!!

[paul.karen]

kidney disease or not getting turned down is a sad fact of life.
of course many dont understand dialysis so it may scare some off.  I wouldn't start out telling a perspective girl i had kidney disease or was a dialysis patient.  Wait till they get to know YOU and when things are going good then tell her.  She will see you are still the person she met.

As for people treating me different.  At least for me it seems people expect since i started dialysis i have been healed  .  it seems my boss works me harder now then before.  I need my job so i suck it up even on my worst days. 

Best of luck in the dating scene

[Swee_tone]

Myself I find people with health conditions have a honestly to them and have insight to life that is overwhelming.

+1
You seem like a capable person Sumo. I believe if you continue to try, you will succeed.

[Stoday]

Sounds to me like Sumo's "friend" who said she'd have nothing to do with him, fancied her himself. He was just eliminating the competition.

As for getting turned down, that's only to be expected. She's already going out with someone. Stick around for when they break up. In the meantime, look for another...

There's something to be said for cultures where the job of sorting out a wife falls to your parents. Just remember that the cost of personal choice is that it's pretty rough sorting out a lifetime partner for yourself.

[RichardMEL]

tough deal!

I agree that this "friend" probably had a vested interest and/or was being very mean in saying what they said - what kind of friend is that anyway? A real friend would support you and say "YES YOU CAN!" (to paraphrase a gentleman of some repute) rather than she wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.

I'm sorry she turned you down though. Rather than ditching her totally if you like her as a person just be her friend. I know that hurts a bit when you desire her (I've been there many times!) but in the end I think you'd be happier to have her in your life as a friend than not at all? If you've tried a few times to ask her out and she's turned you down - that sucks - but she knows you like her... so I'd just not ask her out but still talk to her and be there. Who knows?

As for the more general question about telling someone about your situation with the risk of being rejected based on the medical stuff. ... yes that is a tough one. I've been with a few women in my time and they've known about my condition. Some have been OK about it and not let it worry them (I think it was more that I tried to be positive about it rather than let it run my life).. one other I was with for a couple of years, but I actually took her to see dialysis and she sort of freaked out and dumped me soon after (hmmm?!?!?! weird). As others said though do we really NEED shallow/judgemental people like that in our lives? NO! If they want to think we're not good enough because we have a medical condition well screw them... that's like someone deciding not to go out with someone because they didn't have enough money or something.. what the hey?

The important thing to focus on is that YOU are important, valued and can contribute - clearly you've done all these amazing things while on dialysis so that isn't stopping you that much - and that's the sort of attitude that, I would think, would attract someone. You're not giving in or letting this thing control your life - you're living with it and getting on with your company, your degree etc. That will get noticed I reckon.

I do not making dating a priority in my life (too busy lusting for the women of IHD!!!  ) but should it come along that would be fine. I'm honest about my situation and if it's an issue for them well I'm not going to make it an issue for me... their loss!!

[Goofy]

I don't know how to insert a quote but in one of my previous posts, I said........"I would just introduce myself to someone and say hi, my name is.......and I have kidney disease"........

.....What I meant to say was I WOULDN'T just introduce myself to someone and say my name is............and I have kidney disease.

[jennyc]

Sumo - people who treat you like that are not worth your effort. I hated dating even before i had CRF, when i met hubs i knew he was the one and hung on tight. Whilst i didn't have and illness then to get i the way we had a few of his friends try to break us up. Every relationship has hurdles. If this girl isn't interested for what ever reason, don't give up and try not to let it get to you. I honestly believe that for every person we get rejected by there is another waiting silently in the shadows. She'll pop out when you least expect it. (hubby popped up when i'd given up on men, i was about 2 seconds from joining the airforce and ditching oz all together)

[RightSide]

I don't think the kidney disease is what's bothering her, so much as it is that you said you have no job right now.   Whereas she is evidently financially successful.

She may be afraid of a "gold digger"--that you're approaching her to start a relationship just so you can sponge off her job and her wealth.  Many financially successful people (of both sexes) have to protect themselves against potential gold diggers.  Often they hide their wealth until they're ready for commitment.

If so, then you might approach her and tell her that you are NOT interested in a relationship that would result in any commitment from her at this time.  That you're still hoping to get a job and get back on your feet and support yourself.  That right now, you're just looking for companionship or friendship.  IOW, keep it non-threatening.

If all you had in mind right now is friendly conversation, dinner and a movie--and if you're willing to at least split the tab--then I can't see why she would say no.

[RightSide]

The one thing I notice is that mostly everyone treats me different when they find out about my health situation. I don't know how to explain it but no matter what I do I get the impression from most people that I am not human, sub human in fact.

I think you may be reading people wrong.

People do not like to look upon someone struggling with a life-threatening illness, because it reminds them of their own mortality.  That what happened to you could happen to them--or worse.

And if you appear to be losing the struggle, that will trouble them even more.

I don't know what your current state of health is.  But the healthier you act and look, the better people will feel about relating to you--and the better you will feel about yourself.  You will give them confidence that a decent guy like you can succeed despite this disease.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who suffered from polio, never let himself be photographed in a wheelchair.  He went out of his way to radiate strength, jauntiness, and confidence.

[RichardMEL]

RS that is a fair point really. It's like those people who ask you how you are but don't really want to know... and if you did tell them they would get weird. I try to act normally enough when I'm away from dialysis (ie: at work) like I try not to talk about it or I can't have this or that or whatever. If they go to the pub for lunch I go, have something appropriate (well... mostly) and a small drink. I'm not out to hilight my situation, or make it something they have to worry about. I think a number of them just treat me pretty normally - even though most people at work know what my situation is. We all get on pretty well and it's cool.

I think there's also a component that some people don't know how to act or what to do - what is appropriate, what is condescending or offensive, or what is acceptable?

I'm reminded of a date I went on about 3 years ago. I had told the woman in question about my situation - not to cry "woe is me" but just to be up front. She seemed cool enough - and in fact went out of her way to be understanding and trying to be overly considerate of me - to the point where *I* actually started to feel uncomfortable - for example she was like "oh are you ok to walk here?" (umm yes.. I suggested it) and when we finished our meal and she wanted a second cup of coffee she was like "Oh but I can't do that can I because you can't drink".. well I said to her no it's totally cool I don't mind at all - please have your coffee and enjoy it. I won't join you but I don't mind. Well what then upset me was that she refused to because it would be "wrong" to sit there in front of me and drink when I couldn't.. but hello lady I just told you I was cool with it (and absolutely I was!).. now I appreciated that she wanted to do the right thing by me and not shove it in my face.. but you go out with someone and want them to enjoy their time too and if they say it's cool with them... shouldn't you accept that? If I sat there and looked miserable or longingly at her coffee or something then yeah... I can understand that.. but I was cool with it. I don't think she ever really quite saw my point of view and I think the "debate" we had about the whole thing just put her off (LOL). go figure.

For mine I want to be treated normally. If I can't do or eat or drink something I'll say, or just quietly do my thing. I'm not here to impose *my* restrictions on someone else and it's something I need to be responsible for.

[sumodidit]

I would like to thank everyone for there opinions and sharing there life's experiences. As for myself, I have struggled from being a depressed patient on dialysis to a normal person on dialysis. I got my associates degree now I am planning to go back and get my bachelor's at a prestigious college. I started my own business from scratch. I have gained the clinic, doctors, several employees as clients and they are always giving me referrals, my business slowly growing.

As for the young lady she has a boyfriend so thats why I think she keeps brushing me off. She knows I am in dialysis.
To be honest with everyone I actually fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I think about that day all the time or the first day she approach and spoke to me first outta the blue. She also knows that I like her and I know she like me too. Everytime I space myself away, she would always find a way to get closer.  I kept telling myself no but I finally got fed up and decided to try and I will keep trying until I succeed in gaining her friendship as well as her heart or until she tells me she's getting married. As for people looking at me different, for example the employees in the clinic. I would visit the clinic on a non treatment day and it would blow them away because they know me as a patient not as a professional. It would freak them out when I am consulting them on how to run and manage there small businesses they have on the side. I guess they expect me to be that patient on dialysis depending on them to take care of me, which is also a part of my life. I would assume they thought this street was a one way and not a two way.

Another example was when I went out to a party. I have only gone to 2 parties this year....mostly stay at home. A few of the people were wondering who I was or where have I been. A friend of mine tried to be nice and told everyone I was a diabetic......I was like what!! No No No, I am not a diabetic, I am a dialysis patient. I know my friend tried to be nice and break the ice and I thought it was funny but still. To top it off one of the people at the party was EMT and she was freaking out that I was a patient. She started talking to me about how good I look for being a patient, she even asked me to show her my fistula. I was like wow. She told me about her experiences as an EMT and developing relationships with patients and how she misses them. Also about the stereotype of how employees cant have relationships with patients. Overall she was glad and impressed to meet me.

Thats why I started this, to find out what other people do, how to start over. I am really greatfull for this site because I really have no one to talk to about issues like this....THANK YOU EVERYONE!!