Computer Memory Lane

I just remembered this early program which may amuse you:

#include "people.h"
#include "items.h"
#include "places.h"
#include "personalities.h"

procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
person *ListOfPeople;
item *ListOfItems;
{
person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */
money wallet;
int i;

if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialTits, ArtificialCunt );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vibrator ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
}
} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) {
printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */
} else {
printf("No glove no Love!?\n");
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* only once this time */
}
if ( PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE && PARTNER2->sex == FEMALE ) {
position = 69;
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->tongue || PARTNER2->finger);
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1->tongue || PARTNER1->finger);
} else {
/* Finally, some good, 'old fashioned' heterosexual sex. */
/* Also, (PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE) - "ladies first", right!? */

switch( PARTNER1->PersonalityType ) {
case NONE: goto( HOME ); /* She ran away, you're too ugly */
break;
case NUN: goto( HOME ); /* Might as well */
break;
case WHORE: wallet = wallet - £50;
/* Or whatever the going rate is these days? */
goto( MOTEL );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case PRUDE: for(i=0; i < 10; i++ ) {
goto( DINNER );
wallet -= £50;
say("I Love you, dear");
give( GoodNightKiss );
} /* Wow, that was more expensive than the whore */
goto( YourPlace );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* break up and find someone better */
case CAUTIOUS:
goto( DINNER );
talk( PreviousSexLife );
lie( Haven'tHadSexFor2Years );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
ENJOY?? ( PARTNER1, PARTNER2, WithGloveOn?? );
break;
case CONFUSED:
goto( DINNER );
say( "Lets just be friends" );
GetHerDrunk();
goto( YourPlace ); /* because she's too drunk */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case MentallyDisturbed:
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
goto( MentalHospital );
LockHerUp();
ThrowAwayTheKeys();
break; /* and make sure she stays there */
case WildNkinky:
goto( RESTAURANT ); /* To eat, but not dinner */
Quickie( UnderTableInRestaurant );
Quickie( InTheCarInFrontOfThePoliceStation );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
Quickie( OnTheRoof );
position = 70; /* guess what that is? */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* Exhausted, taking a break */
case DOMINATRIX:
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, WhipsNchains ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->TiedUp );
else goto( HOME ); /* No pain, no gain!! */
break;
case EssexGirl:
say( "OhMyGod, like I'm such a stud" );
/* Essex English?! */
say( "Lets go to my Elm Tree Mansion" );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case ENGINEER:
take( PARTNER1, Plastic surgeon );
take( PARTNER1, WeightLossClinic );
wallet -= £1000;
/* if the above somewhat improved her looks */
if ( PARTNER1->looks > 0 ) then
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case KathleenTurnerType: /* If have seen the War of the Roses */
RunLikeHell();
break; /* hopefully not your neck */
case NORMAL: printf("You are out of luck!!\n");
printf("A normal woman is an oxymoron\n");
break;
case OfTheMissingCase:
say("Give me a light, NO ... Bud Lite");
say("Tastes Great, Less filling...");
break;

default: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* enjoy anyway */
printf("Anyone who has new cases, let me know\n");
printf("I am Stoday@ihatedialysis.com \n");
}
}
} else /* when there are more than 2 people */
ORGY( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems );
}

funcktion ORGY( );
/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */

#include "guide.c"