Why Me? A Message for All the Caregivers Out There.

[looneytunes]

I hope all caregivers take this in the spirit it is written.    And let me say this, "I HATE Dialysis"! 

I think I must have been "destined" to be a caregiver.    I am 52 years old and have spent a good part of my life being a caregiver to someone with severe illness or disease.  In my 30's I was taking care of a special needs child.  In my 40's it was 2 close friends and a sister in law who fought and lost a battle with cancer.  I cared for each of these friends because they asked me to. 

In 2003 my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  She fought hard, going through surgery, chemo and radiation treatments.  In 2006, her kidneys failed and she underwent a double nephrostomy.  She told me she intended to refuse dialysis.  She said she was tired of fighting, tired of being sick, tired of being poked, stuck, cut open, undressed and scrutinized by strangers.   Though I wanted her to keep on fighting because I loved her and would miss her being part of my life, after watching her for 3 years undergo all sorts of things, I understood and respected her decision.  She reminded me of my promise to take care of her "in her old age".  She wanted to go home and though she agreed to have Hospice assistance, she asked me to take care of her and be her healthcare surrogate.   I stayed with her 24/7 for 5 weeks until she passed away, holding my hand. 

Now I am caring for my husband who was diagnosed with ESRD in November of 2007.   There are times that I miss our lives as they used to be and I resent the loss of our dreams for our retirement years.  And times I get frustrated with him when I don't think he is doing enough to take care of himself or to help me take care of us.  And times I resent needing to be strong, mentally, physically and emotionally.   There are times I go for a walk just to allow myself to cry.  And times I feel like the least qualified person for the job, knowing that a mistake on my part could cost him his life.   There are times I want to just walk out of this life and into another one that might be more enjoyable.  There are times I get angry with family members and friends for not being as supportive as I would like them to be.  There are times I am furious that something/anything isn't going right and it's just another thing I have to deal with or fix.  And I say "Why Me?". 

But the bottom line is that in every situation that I have found myself a caregiver in, I have received so much more than I gave.  With each and every one of them.  The child that I cared for has become a wonderful adult who has overcome tremendous odds and handicaps and taught me to try and do the same.  The friends I lost gave me so many memories of our time together and taught me not to fear being around a terminally ill person.  My mother gave me unconditional love and her complete trust.  And my husband has given me the same. 

So to each of you I say...being a caregiver is a gift, though one that we don't always want to accept.  You give because you care. 
 

[willowtreewren]

OMG!

That was beautiful. Thank you.

I needed that. Earlier this week I was at a real low. Have bounced back out of it, but this is good insurance for the next time.

 

Aleta

[silverhead]

Thank You, you hit the nail on the head for me.
Best Wishes
Tom

[okarol]

  Well said!

[monrein]

Lovely post looneytunes.  Not so looney you!   

[billybags]

I can not reply to this because I can not stop crying, God bless you.

[tyefly]

     When you think that life is rough for you ....  then someone comes along and makes you realize that there are others who give until it hurts....  I too took care of my mom  who had cancer until she died in 2004... and then my grandma  in 2005....  These were some of the hardest times for me....   its one thing to have know someone to die...but  when you are there everyday  holding them, taking care of them right up to the time....well  that is something that really hits home......  I am now the oldest in my family  with all my elders gone.... I am only 51......      Now I am the one who will need care...... most of the people who will care for me this will be there first time caring for someone who has a chronic illness.... I certainly understand how they must feel....     
       Looneytunes     you are a special person for caring so much..... Thx for your story

[Kitty Cat]

This is absolutely wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing this with us.   

[Poppylicious]

There are times I want to just walk out of this life and into another one that might be more enjoyable.  There are times I get angry with family members and friends for not being as supportive as I would like them to be.  There are times I am furious that something/anything isn't going right and it's just another thing I have to deal with or fix.  And I say "Why Me?". 
 

Today is a "Why me?" day and I could have written this bit myself.  I'm hoping that tomorrow won't be.  Thank you for sharing Looney.

[looneytunes]

Hello to all of you that have read or responded to my post.  I am glad it was helpful to just one person.   

The "Why Me" days that we all have are hard to deal with.  The fact that we DO deal with them is something we should all take some self satisfaction from. 

For the past few days my hubby has not been feeling well.  Bad enough that all he was able to do was go from the bed to his chair and back a few times.  He had no appetite and just felt miserable.  Needless to say, on a day like this, all that needs to be done falls on me.  On these days, it's easy to allow a little self pity or anger to come out.    I try to channel my emotions into physical activity.  So...it seems like I get a lot more of the harder work done on days that he doesn't feel good.     And then I'm too worn out to feel sorry for myself.   

[kimcanada]

Very well said looney

[Yvonne]

What a lovely post, I can relate to every word and your last post YES thats me throwing myself into all the work every day, even doing things that do not need doing. (I'm decorating the bedroom now, does not need it but I need something to occupy my mind, there I am with the music on in another world) John thinks I'm mad and keeps telling me to sit down and rest.

[Jean]

thank you, that was a beautiful post.

[Everlasting]

I have printed off your message and have it posted on a wall.  I know that when things get tough I will have your words to set things in prespective.

Thank you for that gift!
Everlasting

[gotalife]

Beautifully said.  You have a gift. 

give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

You will be rewarded.

[The Wife]

Oh yes....

thank you.

[ardyce]

Looneytunes,

I just read the "Why me?" and you covered it from the heart.  I know with that attitude you will get through anything.  You have a heart of gold. 

I pray that your husband will adapt to dialysis and get to be more comfortable with the process.

 

Ardyce

[Romona]

Beautiful post. You are an angel! 

[paris]

I agree with Romona.  It is a post to read over and over again.   Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

[CharmedMist]

I read this at work, probably not the best idea, cause I just can't stop crying.
Thank you so much!

[MomInDialysis]

I agree not a good idea to read this at work.  I am sitting at my desk hoping no one comes in.  My eyes are red my nose is running and I cant stop sobbing.

Great post and in a time, for me, that is so badly needed.  THANK YOU!