Results of the CT scan.

[Yvonne]

But I feel so guilty and I think he know's it, if I sit down and talk to him after a row he always turns it round to him being right he is very clever, and now he always blames his illness making me feel even more guilty.

[Hanify]

You need to try to talk to him at another time - not when you've had a row.  If you honestly only feel guilt about leaving - not sad - then maybe you should seriously consider it.  You do not have to live like a slave for him if you don't love him any more.  Not that I think you should live like a slave for him if you loved him either by the way!

[Des]

But I feel so guilty and I think he know's it, if I sit down and talk to him after a row he always turns it round to him being right he is very clever, and now he always blames his illness making me feel even more guilty.

I am sorry that you are going through this "alone"
I can only try to give you advise......

Make a list of everything you do everyday. Like a checklist and put it up on the fridge.
Even list the smallest thing.(like eating, hanging laundry)  And then make a list of everything that he does on his list and put it up on the fridge.

Make sure he sees this. If he asks why, you can tell him that you have to start finding some free time for yourself.  (and him.... hehehe)

Most people just take things you do for granted until you SHOW them what it is that you actually do.

If he starts appreciating you.... his attitude may change.

It worked for my mom and dad many years ago...... I know it is not the same but it may just work.

[monrein]

He is blackmailing you emotionally by making you feel guilty Yvonne and, as hard as it is, he must not be allowed to do so.  If it's too hard to talk to him face to face, could you write him a letter outlining things.  I think he is probably afraid of being on his own but if you don't get time away for yourself, and regularly too, you're likely to end up resenting him more and more, being utterly miserable as you sacrifice yourself for him and possibly even leaving to preserve your sanity.  John needs to understand that you cannot and will not continue to suffocate like this.  The illness is not his fault but nor is it yours and he needs to know that if you can't get a break occasionally you might need to get a more permanent one.  I don't say this in any punitive way towards John, rather he is unwittingly punishing you by his actions.  I'd also let his family know that the man they see on visits is not who you actually live with day to day.  Could any of them relieve you occasionally?
I also agree that threatening to do something needs to be followed through upon but this might need to be planned rather than impulsively done.
Can you contact your social worker to talk about help in getting some respite for yourself?   
 

[Hanify]

Do you know what the first thing I think you should do is?  Change your screen name.  Make it be one that reflects you.  It's interesting that you chose John's name as your screen name.  Why don't you make that a small step for you.  We'll still know who you are.  And I don't think of you as John I think of you as Yvonne.

[willowtreewren]

Yvonne, I have no better advice than the wise words that Hanify and Monrien have given you.

Please do something for yourself so that you don't completely crumble.

 

Aleta

[Yvonne]

I have tried to change my screen name, but the only change that took place was the picture.  How do I change it?

I first came to this site for John, I thought he would be the one asking all the questions, thought it would help him through his illness, but he didn't want to no, and has never read one letter that I have wrote.  Thankgoodness.

It's my birthday today and John is being so nice, thats when I know I still have some love for him, bought me in a cup of tea in bed, the first one since last birthday.
Thanks for all your advice Yvonne

[Hanify]

Oh good on you Yvonne!  And happy birthday - I didn't realise.  Maybe just start another membership if you're not sure how to change it.  Maybe it's not possible once it's set up?  Where are you Chris?

[rose1999]

Happy birthday Yvonne. 
 I am so sorry to read all this, I don't know what to say except thank goodness we have IHD to come to. 

[monrein]

I have tried to change my screen name, but the only change that took place was the picture.  How do I change it?

I first came to this site for John, I thought he would be the one asking all the questions, thought it would help him through his illness, but he didn't want to no, and has never read one letter that I have wrote.  Thankgoodness.

It's my birthday today and John is being so nice, thats when I know I still have some love for him, bought me in a cup of tea in bed, the first one since last birthday.
Thanks for all your advice Yvonne

Yvonne, please tell John how much you love that he makes you a cup of tea, how it makes you feel like a wife he cares for rather than a nurse he needs.  Cups of tea from him shouldn't just be for birthdays, they don't have to be in bed but those little considerations go a long way.

[willieandwinnie]

  Yvonne. I have stayed out of this conversion for my own sanity at the moment because I am dealing with things just like you and I just have to step back sometime. I always come checked your post and I think maybe okarol could help with changing your name, not sure. I'll keep thinking of you and hope things get better. 

[willowtreewren]

Yvonne,

Good for you in getting your avatar changed. I know the name can also be changed because HomeDialysis did it!

Be you. Take care of yourself first. Only then can you think about being a caregiver for John.

 

[lola]

 

[Yvonne]

Thank you for the birthday wishes, as you can see I have to also to thank Okarol for changing my name Thank you Okarol.
Thank you for all your advise, tried talking to John about all the things I do for him, which he could do for himself if he tried, but he thought it was a big joke and said he thought I enjoyed what I do and make a much better job than he would.  In a way he is right as he is so messy and uncaring, we would have urine all over the place if he changed his bag.  Maybe after they have re sited the Stoma, he will be able to do it then as the Hernia has got so big he has to lay down on the bed while I changed the bag. 

[Hanify]

Good on you Yvonne for having the discussion - and nice to see your name!  I love your avatar too.  I don't have the answers I'm afraid - but I think you're making the right steps.  Keep talking about it - maybe he'll realise soon that you're serious.  I hope he realises before it's too late - he's gonna miss you like hell if you go.

[tee]

Happy Birthday,
I just thought I would respond to you, because I go through S**T, with my husband as well.  Last month, I traveled for my job, for three days, in the past, he has come with me when I had to travel, but this time he would have missed two sessions, so he could not go.  The first night I was there, he called and stated his blood pressure was extremely high, so I told him to go to the ER, or be at the doctor's office the first thing the next morning.  When I asked him the next day, how he was, he stated it had went back to normal.  The next day, he had a problem at dialysis, and called me freaking out, I calmed him down over the phone, and also received a call from the covering nephrologist, who I really gave a piece of my mind to, and explained to him I was away on business.
I think at that point, my husband realized, that I was not going to come running home, and he made it through the rest of the time.  Sometimes, you just need to go, and do it for yourself, we all get so caught up in taking care of spouses, we forget who we are.  Also, while I was there, I took advantage of the SPA, and soaked in the Hot Tub, with a Pina Colada.  I can't wait until the next business trip.

[Yvonne]

Good for you Tee, when ever I leave him for more that 2 hours I get phone calls from him, the last few times when I've gone out I forget to take the mobil, get it in the neck when I get home but it's worth it.

[Des]

Yvonne.

I love the new Yvonne pic....

Hope you are doing well...

[monrein]

Very nice photo of you Yvonne. 

[silverhead]

Just tell him you have been getting some incredibly indecent proposals from a guy in the States and need time alone to consider them 

Best wishes and hope he wakes up soon........
Tom

[Yvonne]

Oh I wish it were true, I'm doing fine with all you folks taking care of me, I'm pleased to hear I'm not the only one who feels like I do, but it would be much worse if I was the one with the illness as John just thinks no one should be ill only him. If I have a headache he has one to, if my toe hurts so does his. So I have learned my lesson, I don't tell him what is wrong with me I wait for him to say he has a headache or something, then I say so have I, why didn't I do this from the beginning. I do sound hard, but it is now what life is making me become, trying to deal with every thing.

[paris]

Yvonne, I am so glad you changed your screen name and I love your picture.      I think you are doing a great job of gaining some of your life back.   After years of behaving one way (always giving in, taking care of everything) I decided a couple of years ago I couldn't do it anymore. (I am the one with kidney disease and he is the one in denial!).  I had to find "me" again.  So, I get your need to not have to answer for every moment of your day. Leave your cell phone at home and go shopping!  Sometimes we need to take small steps to stand up for ourselves.  We are all behind you and support you 100%     

[Yvonne]

Well in looks as though my letter to the surgeon may have worked.  John got a letter from them to say he has an appointment on the 25th September in the outpatients Dept, General Surgery. I still have not told him I wrote a letter as I know he does not want surgery. If they re site the stoma he may be able to manage it himself, and he will not moan and groan every time I change it. But I expect it's a long way off as if they do decide to operate then he will be placed on a waiting list, Christmas will just come and go again. He is still having his renal check ups and they are not done at the same hospital, so if they do operate then the two hospitals have to have close contact with each other. His illness is very complicated, and as I said before it feels like it's my illness I'm coping with.

[willowtreewren]

Good for you for being proactive, Yvonne. He never needs to know that you wrote the letter.

I, too, love the photo. 

Take care of yourself. 

[pamster42000]

It has been my experience a person isn't going to change unless they themself want too...it doesn't matter what you do because they will find a way to make it seem like you are doing something wrong...not them. Myself I have experienced this twice through marriage...you would of that I would of learned the first time! I'm not going to tell you what to do..that is your decision....just be careful,look out for yourself and don't let him make you feel guilty. Your in a delicate situation with your husband having all these health related issues. Just please take care of yourself.