Have You Ever....

[pamster42000]

I have experienced times in my life were the stress was high. At one point (1999 ) we found out my Dad had cancer so he came to live with my kids and me. So I was taking my Dad to chemo, my daughter to dialysis and dealing with a soon to be ex-husband ( who is an alcoholic ) wanting me to come back to him.  Gee now that I read this kinda sounds like a soap opera.  Well anyway sometimes you just have to decide you are not wonder woman and make decesions. I found I could no longer properly take care of my Dad because between the cancer, chemo and pain medications  he became very confused. I admitted him to the nursing home I was working at parttime, so I still could see that he was taken care. He lived there two months and then passed away. I sat with him when he died holding his hand and trying to make him comfortable. Putting cool washcloths on his forehead because he was running a temp., swabbing his mouth, turning him etc. Well now I am running on.....

Guess I'm just wanting you to know that I am thinking of you and want you to know you have people here to talk when you feel frustrated, upset and yes happy !

[Brightsky69]

Inara,

I hope your doing better and I am glad your getting the help you need. I too have felt hopeless....I had to go back on dialysis after 17 years. Then my PD cather got  a tunnel infection and had to be removed. I got so sad that I called my mom sobbing and said I didn't know if I could do this all again. And that I didn't think I wanted to.
None of us are strong all of the time. You have everyone in the forum to lean on. We're all in it together!

[Inara]

This is Leslie again.

Inara said to be sure to let everyone know that she's okay and she really really appreciates everyone's responses.  she said that it made her feel so much better to know she's not alone in feeling so "utterly hopeless". 

I've been to see her every day she's in the hospital.  she's been there for me every time i'm in the hospital, so i don't mind AT ALL!  I must say that she really scared me.  i've never seen her so down.  she was so pale, so fragile looking.  she's a tiny little person anyway...5 feet 4 inches, about 90 pounds soaking wet.  she looked like a little lost girl!  she's usually so strong. 

anyway i'm not sure what else to say other than thank you all!  she's coming home tomorrow!  and we're doing all we can to help her.  i actually talk to her parents and told them she may need help in taking care of her grandma and they are going to be taking care of her (at least until Inara is feeling better).  and i'm taking care of our daughters til she's able! 

sorry again for my spelling...

Leslie

[Inara]

PS:  (I just remembered this)

Inara asked me to again thank everyone here.  we live in such a small backward southern town.  there are limited resources here.  she may not post much but she really counts on this site as a resource.

[paris]

Leslie, you are a wonderful friend!  I wish we all had someone in our lives like you.  Thank you for letting us know how Inara is doing.  And let her know she is among friends here.  Please give her our love and tell her we are waiting for her to come back.  Thank you, Leslie   

[okarol]

  Thank you Leslie!

Inara, I hope to see you posting soon! Take care, let people care for YOU for awhile!
 

[Inara]

This is Inara.

All I can say is WOW. 

I expected to be seen on this site as an outcast, a weak person, a failure.  I was so embarrassed that I figured I wouldn't able to post again. 

But all I find upon my return here is kindness, love, and support beyond belief.  Words cannot express my gratitude.  God bless Epoman for starting this site........it has been nothing but a blessing.........

You were all there for me at my lowest and I cannot thank ya'll enough.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I'll be posting again soon (for the moment, I've got Xanax on the brain!  lol)

Love to you ALL!

Inara

PS:  I'm trying to talk Leslie into getting her own account here........she's such a precious soul and has so much to add....

[rose1999]

Hi Inara, so pleased to see you back, I'm glad yo can see how loved you are, we are all here for one another  - we are family, support is what we do best (well support and information).

Leslie would be a welcome member of the family, she has been great in keeping us informed, we were very worried for you.

Oh I am so pleased you are back  xxx

[Inara]

Thank you, Rose.  I was just re-reading all the posts and it has moved me to tears (happy tears, though!  ). 

We truly are family.  Thanks again to EVERYONE! 

[monrein]

Inara!  I am so happy to see you posting again.  You've been on my mind big time and I want to say again that I hope you'll never be ashamed of speaking your feelings.  We're always here to listen and although no thanks are necessary or expected, it's nice to know that what we say can bring some comfort.  Kudos to you for getting the help you needed and I hope you keep on feeling better.   

[kitkatz]

You made it back here. Great! Hope to hear from you lots.

[paris]

How wonderful to read your post!  This is the best thing I have seen all day!  IHD is a very special group of people.  There is a lot of information, but the support we give each other is invaluable.  The day will come when you will be the one to give the support and a shoulder to lean on.  Till that day, we are here for you.  A burdon is always easier to carry when it is shared.  And you have friends around the world who are ready and willing to share your burdons.  So glad to see you posting      And a special "hi" to Leslie.

[willieandwinnie]

       Inara. I am so happy to see your post. I have been so worried about you. You take some time for you and remember that we are as close as your keyboard away. I hope Leslie does decide to join us and share her insight. Hope to hear from you soon. 

[willowtreewren]

Inara, I am so very pleased that you are feeling better. I didn't post earlier, because I simply did not know how to respond, but I was so worried. It is wonderful to see you back.

Please take care of yourself. You are important to us.

Aleta

[greco02]

As my husband gets sicker he is falling into a deeper depression and his mood is bleeding onto me.  He already takes mega doses of antidepressants.  His primary told him that he isn't surprised that Jim feels like hell, his body has too many toxins circulating.  Yesterday I called his neph and we discussed a transplant (I am going to be tested as a donor if Jim agrees to be evaluated for the surgery).   We talked about starting dialysis before the 'numbers' indicate he needs it.  However according to the doctors experience people who begin dialysis generally feel better in the beginning then hit a wall and start feeling crappy again and go back into depression.  So, what's a wife to do?  His neph is going to encourage him to be evaluated and get on the list.  Like all of you have stated, best to get on the list as soon as possible.  You can always say no if your name comes up.   His neph told me many of his patients say no to all treatments and just let the disease take its course. 

Guess it's time to see my counselor again, and according to my sister-in-law I should be meeting with my clergy.  Damn!   

[Inara]

Was going to share more, but not ready yet. 

[rose1999]

We'll be here when you feel ready 

[monrein]

     these are for you Inara.

[willieandwinnie]

 

[paris]

Just know that we care   

[willowtreewren]

We are here for you. 

We are really all in this together.

Take care, Inara.

[kitkatz]

We love updates, but only when you are able to do it!   

[pamster42000]

I think of you often. Just hope the best for you! 

[pamster42000]

Just wondering how you are doing? Think of you often.....

[Inara]

You are all to kind and sweet!  I can't even read thru all this without crying! 

I'm doing much, much better.  I'm still too ashamed to post any details of what exactly occurred the day I started the thread.....let's just say, it wasn't pretty. 

Since then, Leslie and our daughters are doing SOOOO much more to help lighten the load.  They never, ever meant to burden me, but just didn't realize how stressed out I was.  I know now to tell my loved ones when I'm feeling overwhelmed instead of pretending everything's okay.

My husband took me to the mountains for a 3 day weekend recently and I feel we really reconnected.  I needed that!  I love this man with all heart and I felt I was neglecting him.  That hurt me more than anything! 

I'm also considering leaving the dialysis field.  I'm actively searching for a job in long-term care (which is my "first love").  I've been a dialysis nurse for nearly 9 years now and it's hard.  No matter what happens with me professionally, I'll always be there to take of Leslie, so I hope I'm still welcome here! 

Again, thanks to you all!