What should I do?

[MandaMe1986]

So I don't know if this is a rant or what.  But here we go. Okay so Matthew and I have been having problems for a while.  Its nothing new, I was living with him two months before I turned 18.  So its been a long time, and we were both young.  I know it takes a lot to make a relationship work on both parts. But me being sick adds so much to us.  At first it was hard but we worked stuff out. But now its almost as if he resents me for being sick.  He claims that I act as if I am sicker then other people and I don't care if anyone else is sick.  And that hurts. I don't act  like that. So it has just become for the last year or so that I don't even tell him when I am not feeling good. I would rather push through a hard day and not say anything then to try and get some help and him make me feel worse then I do.  And then there is sex.  I have been sick for just about 9 years. Long before I ever started having sex.  I truly have never had a orgasm.  Yes I have two kids and not one orgasm. It kinda sucks but oh well.  But I don't want to have sex anymore. It isn't that I don't enjoy it, it is just. Hell I don't know what it is.  I just know that sex is just kinda no more. You all know how hard it is on a relationship if you don't have sex. I try but its like I don't want to touch him anymore, and I don't want  him to touch me.  I don't know what to do.  He is a great father, and what we have works most days.  I am unhappy but safe. Dose that make sense? And its not like I am worried about not having him in my life anymore, I know I will do just fine without him. It is just that I grew up in two house holds, and I know how hard it is.  Yes I will make sure my kids don't go though nearly as much as I did as a kid. But that still doesn't make it right.  I never thought I would be the person who would even think about staying in a relationship that I am unhappy in.  But kids change stuff for you.  And I want them to have a happy life.

 How do you know its time to give up on the relationship? Do you ever know?  Lately I just don't want to work on it.  I am tired, I am broken down.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't like talking about my personal life, I would much rather keep it to myself. But I also know there might be a few of you guys out there who understand what I am going through and might be able to help me out some.  I am not even sure I know what I am looking for. But I don't know where else to turn.

Once again thank you guys.

[KICKSTART]

  I wish i could say something that is going to help you but i think at the end of the day only you can make your mind up to stay or go. I was married when i was diagnosed with kidney failure and felt the same as things got worse. I think alot of others on here have lost interest in sex , its partly the illness/tiredness and partly the treatment/medication and to be honest your body has enough stress just working and sex isnt vital for it to keep going ,so its last on the list. My husband showed his true colours and as soon as i started dialysis he just packed a bag and walked out , leaving me in the middle of nowhere , with no friends and no family (we had recently moved to a new area) He stopped paying the mortgage and i had to get out . I cant totally understand you when you say ..he thinks im putting it on, its easy for someone who hasnt got kidney failure to say this ..the only illness they might have had lasted what possibly a week? then they got better , but this just drags on and on.
I think at this moment you need to think about yourself and what would make you happy.
I dont know if you tell your other half you come on here? but if he knows then maybe when youve got a few more replies let him read them ? It might make him think about what YOU are going through.

[willowtreewren]

Dear, dear Amanda,

I read your post then took a shower to think about it before replying. As I told you in chat one night, my husband and I went through a very rough time many years ago. We made it through that time and I am eternally grateful.

We went for counseling, but I really can't say that it helped that much. Neither of us particularly connected with our counselor. That is an option, though.

But what I really wanted to share with you is that communication between you and your husband is the bond that will keep you together. If you feel that your marriage is worth fighting for, sit down with him (with a big box of tissues) and tell him everything you posted here. And be prepared to listen to all the fears and concerns that he has, too.

Monrein posted wonderful advice about dealing with a flagging libido in another thread. But as Kickstart has said, when your body and psyche are just trying to cope, sex is the last priority. When you are able to heal yourself emotionally and reach more understanding between yourself and your husband, you may find that despite your physical loss of stamina, the sexual issue may resolve itself.

I am sending many, many hugs to you. I really care. 

Aleta

[Romona]

  I have no wisdom or advice. But you have my moral support. Whatever happens you have all of us and we love you. 

[twirl]

you do not have to have an organism to have conceive - your feelings about sex go right along with kidney problems - I feel the same way now - it is like " get it over with " - my husband does not understand - I feel for you and you are so young - my husband takes it as if I do not love him anymore -
it is not true that the older men get less interested in sex - you are sicker than most people - being tired and worn out is a big problem for people with kidney problems - I know you will make the right decision -
you are very mature for your age - you should be happy too - please do not worry about posting about your private life - I post things here I would never say out loud .......  do you have a place to go it you left your mate?  right now you have a lot on your plate - with your stepmom and dad sick and your own health issues
keep us in your heart and mind
your are a wonderful person and an awesome mom

[RichardMEL]

The gorgeous willowtreewren made the point I was going to make - COMMUNICATION.

You have already admitted to having a communication issue with him in that you don't feel you can tell him when you are feeling crappy or anything. That to me speaks of a more serious issue - if you can't (or feel you can't because it's easier) tell him how you feel then you're in trouble because you both are drifting apart if you *both* can't communicate openly and honestly. I know you have the kids to worry about and he is their father, but how miserable must it be for you to deal with kidney failure and feeling ill and you can't admit honestly how you are to the person you should be closest too and more comfortable with in the whole world?

As for orgasms some women never achieve orgasm - healthy or sick - and that just seems to be a facet of life (sadly).. i think the bigger issue you need to explore in that dept is why you don't even want to be intimate with him (ie: have him touch you) and the pop psychologist in me thinks it's related to the other issue of communication. You can't allow yourself to be honest and comfortable around him so how can you want to make love?

Still you have something that works mostly. I am not sure how you fix this. I would say you need to sit with him and honestly explain just how you feel about these things. Let him understand the things he says that hurt you and why... and perhaps he needs to again more fully understand the affects your kidney failure has on you.

I think this is essential. If you can't talk to him openly perhaps some counselling might help.

GOOD LUCK !!!! 

[MandaMe1986]

Thank you guys.  I am not to sure what I want to do, that is the problem.    And Twirl you bring up a good point do i have somewhere else to go.  Well that is the problem, I do and I don't.  For one the house we are living in we rent from my mother. If Matthew left that would leave me and my little brother with all the mortgage. On top of that I would need to get a job, I like working, and I am a hard worker so I could do that.  But Matthew and I have one car, and its Matt's.  So he leaves the car goes.  That leaves me with transpertation issues.  We don't have busses up here, so that means I would have to move, and my little brother would need to find a new place.  Then my mom with a mortgage she can't afford, why she moved out in the first place.  I have learned nothing in life is simple.  I am so mad at myself for letting myself get into this situation.  I grew up with a mother who couldn't make it on her own, she was so dependent on so many people growing up.  I hated her for it.  I swore I wouldn't be that person, I was never going to be that dependent on another person.  Getting sick kinda changed all that.    I don't know if it was getting sick or falling in love.

 When I was 16 I started working full time, I finished off school and worked full time on top of chemo, and everything else the docs tossed my way.  Then I graduated, did a couple semesters in collage and decided that I was in love and was gonna move to Ga cause Matthew missed his family.  OK so I lived there for a little over a year.  I started working in a nursing home out there as a aid in the kitchen.  About 6 months in I got promoted to cook. Yes I was 19 and a freaking cook at a nursing home!  I worked my ass off to get there, and I had people 3 times my age working under me.  I loved the job but worked myself sick. On top of it I had my kids.  When my kids where 3 months old I moved back cause I needed my family.  Well I haven't worked sense I have been back over 3 years. 2 of them were spent in and out of hospitals most of the time so I really didn't have a chance to work, and they kicked up my chemo treatments again.  I could handle chemo, working, and school. But I couldn't handle working, kids, and chemo. I did do school up until a year ago.  So its not like I am weak and can't do it. I can do anything I put my mind to. I am just scared and don't want to jump into something and it be the wrong thing.  But its like for the last 6 months I have been really unhappy. Its been longer but that long that I have thought about leaving.  I just don't know what to do.  And I don't know how me being sick is going to play with custody of the kids. I don't want to lose them.  And there is a really good chance that Matthew will fight to take them back to Ga. All his family is out there, and I know that is gonna be the first place he heads. Even if it is a two percent chance I will lose them, it isn't a chance I can just take.  They are my children, my life.  You known when the kids were about a year old my older brother calls me up one day and tells me that I should send my kids out to Italy with him and his wife. Cause he could take care of them better then I could at the time. Because I was sick and all.  And you know to hell with anyone who thinks I can't take care of my kids cause I am sick.  And I am so scared that some judge who doesn't know me will decided it.

[dwcrawford]

Oh Mandy, I had no idea.  You are always so positive and upbeat.  I have NO relationship advise.  God  knows that mine have not worked in  "health".  Your poblem is "sickness" and you deserve better.  I'd say read all that the women on here say to you.  Absorb it but then make a decision for yourself.  You always take care of others.  Now is the time to worry about yourself and your twins -- noone, nothing else.  I am so sad that I have no words of comfort or incouragement for you.  But I'll think about you and worry about you until you come to some resolution.  I know you are strong enough to make it in whatever you decide.

Your friend,
Dan

[Wenchie58]

I'm probably going to ruffle some feathers with this post, but ya know how I am.  I came back to this thread several times before I couldn't hold it in any more.
I've been where you are.....23, two young kids....unhappy....kidney disease....wondering what move to make next.  It's a tough place to be and the only person who can fix it is you. You may not see it, but much of your issue probably comes with depression.  You feel like crap a lot of days...HE wants from you, the kids want from you, your family wants from you....but then there is no time or ambition left for you to do for you.
Now that MANY years have passed I can look back at what I did to resolve my issues and what I learned from those decisions.
I got a job....something that helped me to find my own self worth.  To feel that I could accomplish something for me (and the income didn't hurt either)
I moved into someplace I could afford (trust me it wasn't the Taj Mahal, but it had room for me and two kids)
I got a divorce (not my most shining moment)
Now that I look back at it....if I had just gotten the job, took a little time for me to feel better about me...I may have reacted better to him and the divorce wouldn't have happened.  We have moved forward now and are very good friends, but at the time it was nasty nasty nasty.
Think about it....even a part time job...find something that you can do for YOU.  Not because you HAVE to at first but because you WANT to.  Get out of the house and give yourself something else to think about.  You like books, maybe something part time at a library.
You're so young, with two little ones..but you can't let money, cars, houses effect your emotional well being...that will directly effect the kids.  My kids are now 30 and 34...and they tell me how things at the time made them feel.  Ahhhhh hindsight....why can't we get that up front?

[MandaMe1986]

Haha Wenchie why would that ruffle some feathers?  I wouldn't have posted this if I didn't want to hear what everyone had to say.  And come on I am 23, I don't know shit.  And that was one of the main reasons why I came on here to talk about it.

I am crazy depressed, and have thought about it all.  I have started a new anti depressant, and see a therapist twice a month.  You didn't say anything that I haven't heard or thought already.  That is the problem. And I have actually been looking for a part time job for the time being.  Get me out of the house.  Working out helps the depressing a lot.  And helps give me energy.  As for no money or car or any of that. I am not worried just answered Twirl's question.  That just adds another little bump in the road.  Not that I think I can't get past it, just that at the moment it sucks.   I know what I should do, what I want to do I think.  I just need to get to a place where I can do it.  And comming on here is just one step in that direction.  Dose that make sense?  Its like you said you have been there. Young two kids.  Remember how scary that was?  Just because I know what I should do, or what the problem is doesn't make it any less a problem. And doesn't keep from freaking me out a bit.  Ya know.

[paris]

Sweet Manda,  I may ramble here a bit.  My oldest daughter, Melissa, married the wrong man. They were both college graduates, he is a police officer.  She is a very intelligent strong woman.  But, he was very abusive. I kind of suspected while they were dating.  But, she wouldn't have listened to anyone anyway.  So, two babies and a miscarraige later (in three years) she had to leave.  When a man will hit you while you are holding a baby or aim a gun at your head, you need to leave.  Now, you aren't in that situation, BUT you are just getting through your days.  It "works" for you right now and I understand that.  What I worry about is you---this really should be the good years not just "getting through" years.  I told Melissa that seperating wasn't the worst thing, staying just to keep a home for the kids was the worst thing. So, she struggled.  She had friends who helped by passing on clothes for the kids, toys, babysitting, etc. She got a job part time at the YMCA that had free child care for employees.   She lived with us for awhile.  She had to learn again, that she deserved a great life with good things in it.  It has been five years and a long road but she did the right thing.   That may not be the road for you.  I think you deserve a very loving relationship, with emotional support.  Money can't rule what you decide to do.  Melissa was afraid of the courts also and her biggest fear was losing the kids.  We don't know Matthew.  We can read the pain in your post. I am sorry that at 23 you have such burdons.    Wenchie and me---two mothering hens!!   We love you. Keep talking, it may help you to work through everything.

[monrein]

Manda, I was sad to read that you're struggling with this issue and as you probably already know, chronic illness plays crazy havoc with many a relationship.  Being as young as you both are makes it that much more difficult because you don't have years of healthy history behind you.  Advice is cheap to give but of course only you can decide if any of that advice is helpful or even relevant to you.

What I would say is this...just because your relationship feels "safer" than the alternative of leaving, staying may not be the best thing to do, not for the kids or Matt or you.  Everyone gets ripped off.  What's more, Matt too has the option of leaving and the result will be the same except that it wasn't your decision. However, if staying is what you feel is best (and I do understand that it may well be for the best) then you owe it to the whole family to start talking to Matt about how you've been feeling.  About everything...the feeling sick, the fears of losing the kids, the loss of interest in sex...everything.  Your therapist should be able to help with planning how you'd like the conversations to go.  Be very sure also to ask Matt how HE's been feeling.  My guess is he's feeling lonely and abandonned, possibly angry and trapped.  These feelings aren't wrong even though our illness is not our fault.  It isn't his fault either and he too has to live with the consequences of kidney disease.  I truly believe that our illness can be harder on the healthy person because they cannot possibly know (especially when young as well as healthy) how little energy a chronic illness like ESRD can leave us with.  One can never fully know what one hasn't experienced. We can imagine it or try to feel what it might be like but really knowing how it feels is altogether different.

Now to the issue of sex.  It is an important, very important part of a relationship and can't be ignored as if it weren't.  Sex is never a problem when both partners feel the same way about it even if that means that they agree that it won't be happening at all.  However, sex is like glue, it helps to keep people bonded and helps them to stayed connected intimately.  Sex is not intimacy although many people confuse the two but sex can help to pave the path for a couple to share more intimately with each other and a little bit of sharing often leads to more.  Sex can be like that too.  Stop doing it and the wanting it can go away too.  Sex is not always a shared activity.  I think it is important to really know yourself sexually first before attempting to bring another person into the mix and it's important not to confuse sex with love either.  Love can enhance sex and vice versa but love can exist without sex and vice versa also. 
I will need to be perfectly blunt here and hope that I don't offend anyone but having an orgasm is something that you need to figure out how to do for yourself before expecting anyone else to join in.  Most men know this well...they discover masturbation early on and practice it frequently so they can perfect the things, whether thoughts or actions that achieve the best results.  Many women are timid or have received crazy messages about sex and love and so they are often sadly ignorant about what their own bodies might like.  I'll say it again, a good vibrator is a valuable thing.  Call it BOB (battery operated boyfriend) who obeys your every request because you're the operator and "he" will help you to know the fine tuning of what your particular pathways to orgasm look like...in this regard we're all different and in fact we each contain a variety of these pathways depending on a number of variables.   I'd also say that if you plan to stay with Matt, then you do need to think about his sexual needs too.  It is a huge myth in the world in general that people feel horny at the same time and reach orgasm at the same time and it's all like synchronized swimming.  What a crock.  If I'm not feeling like sex I'm not going to bother faking an orgasm or make my grocery list while he gets off using my body as I lay there.  What I can and will do is make sure that I help him to have his orgasm, make sure that I don't view it as a chore but rather as something pleasurable that I can do for him and this counts as sex because it too helps to build intimacy.  I don't always feel like cooking either but I enjoy the pleasure that people often feel when fed a nice meal. It never hurts either to ask if one's partner is feeling  sexually "needy", especially if we're in a period of low sexual desire because it shows that we care about them and know that they might not want to "burden" us by asking. I don't have m(any) hangups about sex so I don't view manual or oral sex ,for example, as 'unnatural' or nasty or whatever.  I think that our bodies are designed to give and receive pleasure and sex and serotonin both start with S.   BTW, I also am not a fan of sex with many different partners as I would find it very difficult indeed to be uninhibited and free with my sexuality if I were feeling insecure or lacking in trust and yet free and uninhibited is exactly what really good sex requires.

Sorry this post is so long and I wish you all the best as you try to sort through all this.  There is no right or wrong in it but each of you in your family deserve better than staying together out of fear.

[Wenchie58]

Very well said Monrein! 

[KICKSTART]

Ive just come back to this thread to see how its going and i might be wrong but to me it reads as though if you had somewhere to go ..you would. I know it doesnt help your situation but just to prove something to you. I had been on dialysis for 2 weeks when my husband walked out , i was left with nothing. I walked away from the house with my clothes in a case and my dogs , that was it. It was the BEST thing i ever did , i dont have much but i have a roof over my head , a little old car and most of all my dogs (my babies) and my SANITY. I was actually more exhausted putting up with my husbands demands and tantrums than i was on my own. I know you need to decide whats right for you , but there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

[MandaMe1986]

Thank you all for your in put. I reread everything again.  And I got a lot to think about. I agree that only I can decided, and only I know what is best.  So now I just need to work on deciding.  I know what we have right now isn't working.  I mean we get by but it isn't. I have talked to Matthew, and he says he loves me and all that. But he is unhappy to I think, he just doesn't want to see it.    I guess I just need to get my head straight before I go to him and see what he wants to do.   And then go from there.

Thank you guys for listing to all my problems. I needed to get this out.  Thanks. 

[Tinah1968]

I just have  This is a tough situation to be dealing with alog with your health.. so hear are some more 

[jbeany]

I don't generally give relationship advice - if I couldn't make my marriage work, I figure I'm not qualified to comment on any other marriage.

I can tell you that I am finding it easier to be alone and taking care of myself than it was to feel like a burden on someone who didn't want me.  I'm happier now than I was when he was still acting as my home dialysis partner.

[Jean]

You have gotten  lot of good advice and I hope it helps you to make your decision. If Matt is still telling you  he loves you, then there is hope, as long as you love him too. Whatever you decide to do dear, God Bless You and your children . We are all here for you.

[kitkatz]

I had a friend once tell me "If you can trust him, then work it out. Once trust is gone in a relationship, it is very hard to get it to work out right ever again." 
I also learned that I can only change myself and my situation, not him or his situation. Only HE can change himself.  If you do not like the situation or the way you are, then you will have to make some positive changes for yourself. Once I decided I can only change the way I felt or reacted about something, I could relax about other things in the relationship I was in.

[RichardMEL]

Great post Monrein!! I agree totally...

This is a good thread, even if the subject matter is not so good.. Wishing you the best Manda....

[dwcrawford]

Mandy, I'm here for you.  No Advise  --  just support.  I'm on your side whatever you decide.

(OK, Mandy, you convinced me.  I'll take them both since they come as a set.)

[Pam]

Mandy...Your post brought back a lot of memories for me .  At 23 I had 2 small children and was raising 2 step children 3&5. I wanted to leave and had no idea of what to do .     trying to tell DH how I felt just was not working so one day I started packing. I had no clue what I was going to do once the packing was done. He came home from work and saw what was happening and I guess it sent him into shock because all of a sudden we were talking and crying and yelling and talking some more. That was 38 yrs ago. It wasn't always easy but we made it work. My kids are grown and now I'm sick but I'm content with my life.
I guess I'm trying to say...It will be hard and take a lot of work to leave but if the two of you can open the lines of communication and work things out, it's still going to be a lot of work but it can be done. Just don't be too quick to give up.

Pam

[willowtreewren]

Dear Amanda,
You have had lots of wonderful advice, but you, and only you, can decide what will be best for you. What ever it is, we are here for you.

 

Aleta

[paris]

Thinking of you today   

[MandaMe1986]

Well   you guys just checking in today. I talked to him some last night. Still got a lot to work out, weither we decide to make it work or not we will see. Thank you guys so much. I love you all. Thanks.