Cassandra: the small matter of a kidney donation

[okarol]

December 21, 2008
Cassandra: the small matter of a kidney donation
Ariel Leve

I’ve been reading a lot lately about kidney problems. Every other week it seems there’s a story about someone with kidney disease. Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers had some trouble but now it seems he’s OK. There was also a story about two best friends – one who needed a kidney, the other who donated. That’s got to put a strain on a friendship.

Naturally it made me wonder what would happen if I found myself in that situation. I suspect it wouldn’t be easy. I have a hard time getting my friends to come downtown for sushi – what are the chances anyone would be willing to give up a kidney?

“If it were a matter of life and death, I would,” said Liza. Then she added: “But if it were because you felt sick or you thought it had just gone bad – I would say no.”

I found it touching that she was considering it. Even though she was essentially saying she didn’t trust me to distinguish between a terminal illness and a lower backache. I thanked her and told her I’d take that as a yes. She paused. “Let’s talk about it later,” She said.

I called my friend Laura. She was far more definitive. “Nope.” She declared, instantly. “What if my husband needs one? I’m saving it.”

I understood. At least she was saving it for her spouse. It would be awful if she’d said she was saving it for someone else and when I asked who she replied, ”The doorman.”

After talking to Laura I could definitely see why getting married has its perks. Built-in kidney-donor. If I ever get engaged I’m making sure my fiancé has the right blood. From now on when someone asks what my type is I’m going to respond: O negative.

Isn’t that romantic? No wonder I’ll die alone.

My friend Audrey was another non-committer. “Maybe” she said. “It depends on my family.”

That’s a good one. Of course I asked how many people are in the family. “Small,” she said, trying to sound positive. “My sister, my brother-in-law, my niece and my nephew.” That doesn’t sound so small to me. Plus, she’s including an in-law she d oesn’t even like. Second on the waiting list is promising. But fifth?

I moved on. It was not looking good. My friend Sherry told me I wouldn’t want her kidney because it’s not in great shape and my friend Bill never got back to me. Simon, my British friend, was very polite. He would give me a kidney if it stopped me from dying, but he’d need to know more. Like what? Documentation. My ex boyfriend told me he didn’t think we were a match.

Even my own father was reluctant. I sent him an e-mail and at first he said “Anything to make you happy.” But seconds later he wrote back, “Hang on…a kidney? Let me think about it.”

How is it that no one I’m close to would give me a kidney? Would I have to go to my new Facebook friends for support? And what if no one online responded. I can see it now - the status update says: Looking for kidney donor. The comments: zero.

Not that I blame people. I’m not so sure I’m up for donating either. Not because I’m saving it for anyone. Or because my kidney isn’t working properly. Or because I’m worried about the aftermath. It’s the potential resentment I’d have to live with. I’m worried that whomever I gave it to would do something to upset me and then I’d want it back. I’d be stuck. I’d end saying something like, ‘I gave up a vital organ for you and you can’t return an e mail?”

I don’t want to be that person.

Then, just as I was resigned to accept my fate of life on a transplant list, Sophie called. “I’d give you a kidney.” She said. “Why not.”

Really? I was thrilled. She explained she was pretty ambivalent about life at the moment – so she didn’t mind. I took that as a magnanimous gesture.

In fact I was so grateful I mentioned that if she ever felt enthusiastic about life again and changed her mind, I wouldn’t hold it against her. It’s the thought that counts. I probably wouldn’t want a new kidney anyway.

    * Have your say

Nice article, but I'm sure if your family saw your health slowly declining they would offer without asking.

I personally would love to see a modified consent donation scheme. One where if you opt out it works both ways, i.e. if your not willingly to donate then your not eligible to receive

Gerard, Redhill, UK

One can easily buy a kidney in China and India.

Here in the United States, the whole organ "donation" system is one big scam, with it being illegal to accept any renumeration.

In fact, it's illegal to even offer to pay for the funeral expenses of a deceased donor!

Dan Schwartz, Sayreville, NJ, USA

My best friend is a kidney-pancreas transplant patient. Without that gift, she would not be here today. This goes to show that one can choose their friends but not their family. Friends are better because they are genuine!

Alexis, Los Angeles, USA

Great article,
I do need a transplant, and i was surprised to see some family members refusing, anyway i am lucky enough to have 2 of them accepting almost on the spot.
However most of my friends just refused when asked. I would give a part of my liver to almost any of my friend if they asked for it

Adam, London,

Donating is fantastic but lets face it - offering a realistic payment of say £50 000 would increase the supply (and benefit both parties). Conditions would have to be put in place e.g. only adults over 35 with both kidneys in good order + counselling to fully discuss issues etc. Morally just I think

P Cotton, worthing, UK

Funny? No. Kind of sick, really. This is a matter of life and death for people. Not an appropriate subject for levity

diana, new york,

very insightful.

amanda, uk,

Loved your article! It was very accurate. I know, because I do need a kidney transplant and the dynamics of that are amazingly complex among family and friends. No one can get a transplant without official national approval. Transplants are to save a life. Dialysis will not keep you alive that long.

rohana, Canaan, USA

very sweet and funny!

yuli, manchester,

Hilarious

CJ, London, UK

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/ariel_leve/article5366420.ece?openComment=true

[okarol]

Please comment

[Joe Paul]

This is exactly why I wouldn't ask anyone for a kidney.  My reasons for not asking is the fact that I hate rejection, and, I would hate to feel as though I am putting someone on the spot. I will be satisfied if and when a deceased donor comes along - even then, it will not be an easy thing to do, as someone would have to die for me to live.

[monrein]

I think it's quite different to talk about donating a kidney as a hypothetical thing, an abstract "what if" concept, than talking about it in a real situation of need.  When my first transplant(cadaveric) failed I immediately resigned myself to a long bout of dialysis until another came up,  However, I have been surprised, touched, overwhelmed and humbly moved to my very core by the incredible number of people who stepped forward with offers.  I could not ask anyone to donate.  In the abstract I thought I could but in fact I could not.  Both my sibs are not a match although both were willing to donate.  Besides them I've had about 12 other offers, some from very surprising sources.  Some were immediately ruled out because of high blood pressure and age.  My 90 year old mother-in-law, blessed with almost perfect health her entire life was sad that it couldn't be her.  What a sweetie.  I'm not counting her in the total number of offers because obviously that's a no-starter.  The receptionist at my dentist's office was perhaps the most surprising, along with her determination to convince me of the seriousness of her offer.   
I've thanked each person for their extreme generosity and also asked them to be sure and sign their donor cards as well as talk to family about their wishes and to spread the word about ESRD and the struggle it entails for those who battle it. 
My sister-in-law has been tested and we are waiting for a date...likely mid-February to mid-March.  She's wonderful and so is her entire family for supporting her and me in this decision.  Her ten year old is very apprehensive but we've talked about it a fair bit.  Her fears are real and her articulation of them is poignant.  As she has so wisely pointed out, all surgeries carry risk, things can and do go wrong and I lost my own mother at 46, the same age as my sister-in-law, although I was 16 years older than my niece.  She's incredibly wise beyond her years.  She's also now moved to the point where she talks about "when" the transplant happens, not "if".  She wants to be here right after the surgery to see us both and during this holiday visit with her Dad and brother she woke up the first night crying from a dream that he Mum and I both died during surgery.  (Her Dad is a veterinarian who does tricky surgeries and she's watched many times.)  She also jokes with me when we visit a washroom together and she has a good long pee, how that is my ultimate dream to be able to do that again. 

If I were commenting on this article just one short year ago my post would have been completely different.  Sometimes people surprise us with their goodness.

[Kitsune]

Only one person, someone I only met on the day she got tested poffered to donate to me. My family just tit there, cluck their tongues and say, "Oh poor thing! I JUST know you'll get a kidney soon!" Ummm yeah, have they seen the statistics for waiting list deaths? It doesn't look good.

[kitkatz]

I had a teacher friend offer me a kidney a few years ago. Too bad I cannot be listed.