Mikey and me.......

My last post was Saturday--Mike spent most of the day sleeping and came around a little bit that night. He kept wanting to sit up in his bed so I was holding him up when our son came in, he was so surprised to see Mike sitting up and looking right at him, he went right over to him and Mike said; "there's my friend, my son" and reached up for a hug, I'll never forget it. Then Sunday morning he woke up around 11:00 and stayed awake and pretty aware; I called everyone and we all got to visit with him. Mom told me this morning that he gave her the sweetest smile she's ever seen on his face, wonder what they were talking about!! He was awake long enough to tell me he loved me and the kids--and whtever elst he wanted to say in private with my dad. They're pretty tight too and used to go fishing 3 times a week--all seasons.
Sunday was not so good and he slept most of the time (with his eyes open!) and when he was awake, he was confused and kept wanting to sit up. He was so weak he couldn't help me hold him up and my back was loosing it, so I would just calmly tell him he needs to stay in his bed or he will fall down. The rest of Sunday I just kept telling him how much I will miss him but that it's alright for him to go, I will take care of our kids and grandkids, and even though I'll miss him, I will be alright. I fell asleep on the couch around 5:00 Monday morning and when I woke up around 8:30, my baby was gone.
Instead of freaking out, I just went and made a pot of coffee, sat down and waited for it to be done and had a cup--strange--but I just was not ready to deal, but eventually I did. I woke up our son so we could have some alone time before people started coming and the first person I called was my mama, funny how we turn into little girls again sometimes. I waited a while before calling the hospice nurse and when I did, I told her I wasn't ready to let him go yet and to wait before calling the funeral chapel. I tried bathing him but just ended up cleaning some parts so I could keep his dignity intact. I feel like I did everything I could the way he wanted things
Now I am just plain exhausted and can't keep a thought in my head! Mom went with me to the funeral parlor and we got that taken care of and now I've got lots of paperwork to fill out to get some help. Plus people to call and people to try and find.

OMG, this hurts so damn bad and I can't believe he's really gone. The livingroom looks huge with all the equipment gone but the biggest hole is in my heart. He was so much the good part of my life and I really don't know what I'm gonna do without him. I feel very pissed and almost like I'm in shock, I keep getting these "butterflies" in my stomach and if I hear "hang in there" one more time........ One of the biggest things I dread is seeing our grandkids sweet faces after they know he's gone, especially the oldest one.

Thank you everyone so much for your thoughts, hugs and prayers. I really felt blessed on Sunday when he woke up for a while and thank God for those few precious hours. I know I'll "get through this" but OMG, it hurts so bad!!!