For my friends who love word play: Puns

[okarol]

Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[monrein]

I printed it already.  Thanks.

[twirl]

these might be puns

The man who fell into an upholstery machine if fully recovered.
All those in favor of conserving gasoline, raise your right foot.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can not budge it.

[Wallyz]

I read the first ten puns to see if they would make me laugh.

No Pun in ten did.

[twirl]

Wallyz                 your pun is

[Wallyz]

So- A marine biologist working on the Oregon Coast start some experiments with Pacific Wave Sided Dolphin longevity. She tweaks the genes of a small population and notices some effects, but realizes that their diets are lacking a specific protein. The only local source of that protein is found in seabird hatchlings, which she soon starts harvesting and feeding to the dolphins. Amazingly it works. The aging process appears to stop. The problem is, they are eating so many of the seagull hatchlings that they wipe out the local breeding population. So, the Biologist drives up to the south end of Puget Sound and gets a bunch of hatchlings, puts them in the back of her truck, and head south.


Of course, she is stopped at the state line and arrested for transporting young gulls across State Lines for immortal porpoises.

[Wallyz]

So- A marine biologist working on the Oregon Coast start some experiments with Pacific Wave Sided Dolphin longevity. She tweaks the genes of a small population and notices some effects, but realizes that their diets are lacking a specific protein. The only local source of that protein is found in seabird hatchlings, which she soon starts harvesting and feeding to the dolphins. Amazingly it works. The aging process appears to stop. The problem is, they are eating so many of the seagull hatchlings that they wipe out the local breeding population. So, the Biologist drives up to the south end of Puget Sound and gets a bunch of hatchlings, puts them in the back of her truck, and head south.


Of course, she is stopped at the state line and arrested for transporting young gulls across State Lines for immortal porpoises.

[Wallyz]

 A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.


 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


 Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that s he wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


 A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know , walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[okarol]

The warden gave the inmates acne medicine hoping it would keep them from breaking out.

Junior loved being a member of the wrestling team even though he was prone to lose.

Cleopatra was the Pharaohs one of all.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

[mikey07840]

The state legislature could not decide whether to fund the water control project or the all weather stadium. It was a no win situation. Dammed if you do, domed if you don't.

===

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

===

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!"

The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.

But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole six months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.

When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.

"At last", he said, .... "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"

===

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

===

In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact,several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.

We all know what happened to the Titanic, and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.