-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[okarol]

The Old Rancher


 The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in
 town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
 marrying a 'mail order' bride.

 
 Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true..
 Tom assured him that it was.

 

 The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
 Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'


 Now the  banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
 sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an
 eighty-year-old  man.


 Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
 tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
 help him  out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

 
 Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
 afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

 
 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.


 Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

 
 The banker,  happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
 'And how's the hired  hand?'


 Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'


 Don't ever underestimate the old guys! 

[Darthvadar]

Anybody who has ever tried to do anything important and has come up against 'officialdom' will identify with this... It's called 'Noah In Modern Times'...


And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming. I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"

[looneytunes]

        Good one Darth!

[Darthvadar]

Delighted to oblige, Looney.... Have another!.....

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in
alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes
longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no
spine, and there are only two
moving parts - the mouth and the a**hole - and they are interchangeable'

[galvo]

Funny, Darth!!

[SkyDancer]

 
Good one Darth!!! Sounds like a couple of candidates I just met.

[Darthvadar]

Good one Darth!!! Sounds like a couple of candidates I just met.

Thought the politics one might be appreciated at the moment!!!!!......

Q... Why are there so few women in politics???...

A... Because it takes too long to put make up on two faces!...

[Stoday]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve."

"Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[paul.karen]

LIFE CYCLE


I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an 0rgasm.








EDITED: Fixed bold tag errors-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

Now that I can look forward to. !!!!

[Darthvadar]

This is for women who know itto be true, and for men who can take a bit of teasing!... Enjoy!...

Marraige Oh Oh!!!!!...

Part 1....

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ....whether you're here or
not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early
morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!!!.

[Darthvadar]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8- year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Cooper parents are making love!!'

 Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they're making love?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

[okarol]

 

[Stoday]

Over a month without a joke...  I must fix that.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[Darthvadar]

This is a bit naughty.... A friend who's a soldier sent me this one!...


Three soldiers return from a Tour of Duty in Iraq, and as a reward for services rendered, their Commanding Officer offered them a special deal... The soldier can pick the distance between one body part and another, and he will recieve a thousand pounds per inch of the distance... The only condition is that the Medical Officer does the measurments...

The first soldier goes to the Medical Officer and tells him that he has chosen the distance between the tip of his middle finger of his left hand to the tip of his middle finger on his right hand... He stretches his arms wide, and the MO takes the measurements... "Five feet, six inches, making a total payment of Sixty-Eight Thousand pounds"...

The second soldier choses the distance between the top of his head, and the tips of his toes... "Six feet, six inches" says the MO "making a total payment of eighty thousand pounds"...

Third soldier strolls into the Mo's office and tells him "Well, Doc... I've chosen the distance between the tip of my willie to my testicles"... The doctor is very surprised by this choice, imagining a distance of no more than a few inches, and so a very small payout... He agrees however to take the measurements... The soldier undresses, and the doctor gets to work... Straight away, the doctor notices that the soldier has no testicles... Having had a second look he said "Where are your testicles, Soldier???".... Soldier grinned and replied "Baghdad"...

[Darthvadar]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in
the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The
Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night,
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell, we even got so drunk
that around midnight we started playing 'WHO AM I'."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the
bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and
only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women
try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn! I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," Your name was
guessed four or five times."

[Stoday]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:     

Dear Grand-daughter,
   
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
   
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
   
It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,  I'd never have noticed.
   
I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
   
Everyone started honking!
   
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
   
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the  air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
   
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through  the intersection.
   
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
   
Will write again soon.
   
Love,
Grandma

[Stoday]

A precious little girl walks into a Pets-R-Us store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbiths?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Darthvadar]

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."

[okarol]

 

[Darthvadar]

A married woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always 'do the business' in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, during one passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past five years!?!"

"Honey, yes it is, but let me explain!"

"Why you impotent louse!" she screamed. "You sneaky son of a *****!"

"Speaking of sneaky..." he interrupted calmly, "would you care to explain our three kids???"

[Darthvadar]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

[Darthvadar]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I'd like beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the
third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter
took their orders for dinner.

'I'd like a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I'd like beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the
third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later
the waiter approached the table and asked if
the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed
the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter
to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer
all evening?'





You're gonna LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go
'Wee, wee, wee, all the way
home!

[Stoday]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.




A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[monrein]

 They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------- ---------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'