-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[jennyc]

Sorry to my Kiwi friends... I love this joke but i mean no offence. I love New Zealanders

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada .'

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada ?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?'

'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells,

' He's okay boys. He's one of us.'

[jennyc]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
 
1. The sport of choice for the
urban poor is BASKETBALL.
 
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
 
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
 
4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.
 
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

     
The higher you go in the corporate structure,


the smaller your balls become.

[jennyc]

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 

'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 am.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 am. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

[jennyc]

Irish Maths Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said,  "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes 9" says
the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you
go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of DA trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[jennyc]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.

Spellings have been left intact.

 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
>
> 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
>
> 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33..
>
> 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
>
> 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
> 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
>
> 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. >
> 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
>
> 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
>
> 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
>
> 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits.
>
> 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
>
> 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
>
> 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
>
> 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
>
> 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
>
> 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
>
> 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
>
> 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
>
> 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
>
> 21.. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
>
> 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
>
> 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[jennyc]

I'd give him a job ...out of the goodness of my heart, naturally!!!!!!!!!

 
Rezimay  (CV)


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.   

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..   

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,   
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.   

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.     

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,   

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.   

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN     

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me..   

****************************************

Employer's response:
Dear Bryan ,   
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.   
See you Monday.


 

[Darthvadar]

Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...

An unkind Aussie joke...

Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...

[Chris]

Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...

An unkind Aussie joke...

Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...

Those are some small sheep there own there,  must be minature sheep 

[Darthvadar]

Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...

An unkind Aussie joke...

Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...

Ooooops, that should have read 'Wooly'!...


A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about

which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico

had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in

the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a

tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by

woodpeckers) . The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do

it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the

so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian

woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was

able to peck the Canadian tree? But neither was able to peck the tree in

their own country?

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

 

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Those are some small sheep there own there,  must be minature sheep 

[jennyc]

Jenny... You're SO right about the Irish... It's a question of be insulted if you're not insulted... We don't like you if we're too nice to you!...

An unkind Aussie joke...

Aussie farmer walking down the street with a wolly sheep under each arm... He meets a city slicker who askes "You shearing, Mate???"... "No" replies the farmer "they're both mine!"...

I love it, over here it would be turned into a kiwi joke (don't know why, we have more sheep then them.) My old boss ended up slowly getting rid of the Irish clientelle becuase they were too loud. It was only 15 Irish singing (then again that equates to about 60 people from other nationalities). His pub died after that, more fool him. He betrayed his most loyal clientelle so they left and NEVER returned, even after 8 years i don't think any Irishman go there, the whole pub is empty.

Chris:

Oh and in reference to the small sheep..... No our boys are just so HUGE they make a ram seem small! 

I really want to post a joke but i think it may be too risky.... oh well here goes. (read to the end, has no reference to nationalities, the punch line is the joke)

If a stalk brings a white baby,
A crow brings a black baby
What brings no baby?

a: a swallow

[jennyc]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[jennyc]

An aussie walks into the bedroom holding a sheep under his arm.
"darling this is the pig i have relations with when you have a headache"
His wife turns to him, "that's a sheep, not a pig you idiot!"
The man says, "shut up, i wasn't talking to you!"

[jennyc]

One for the boys (posted by a girl, cause you'd probably get into trouble)

One day, once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch....

But that was a long time ago, and only for one day....

[jennyc]

Roo = Kangaroo (one of our largest pests, cute but still pests)
Roo bar= bull bar on 4wd
Dunny (toilet, often outdoors)
Stubby = 375ml beer bottle
UTE = Real Aussies drive utes (utility vehicle, created in Australia. it is based on the sedan, to be a true ute it must have a sedan counterpart and the ute must be the same front end of the sedan, eg ford falcon and holden commodore)

Australian Etiquette
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

If you can't see what's so funny about the above and decide to follow the suggestions given you could be a redneck, do the redneck test to see if you are.

[jennyc]

Probably get chewed for this. Just remember I'm more than happy to take the mickey out of myself!

An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course, mate!.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, 'yeah mate, of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

[jennyc]

Note Sheila is a name and a generic term referring to all women.

A sheila in a V8 was going way too fast and got pulled over for speeding.
The cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, when the sheila said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Queensland Policeman's Ball. 'He replied, ' Queensland poolicemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He just realized what he'd said, closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

[jennyc]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[jennyc]

An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.
But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison for drink driving and dope smoking.
The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.

Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.

That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.

Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.

[jennyc]

Several years ago, during the pilot dispute, there were no domestic flights in Australia.
Remote places like Darwin, Cairns and Port Douglas went into crisis. They were tough times, everybody was in debt, and everybody lived on credit.

Fortunately, one day a rich American tourist stepped out of a taxi and walked into the lobby of a Port Douglas hotel.
He layed a 100 dollar note on the reception counter, and went to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel owner immediately took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to his regular hooker who in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker ran to the hotel, and paid off her debt with the 100 dollar note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
And just as the 100 dollar note was back on the counter of the hotel, the tourist came down after inspecting the rooms, and saying that he did not like any of the rooms took his 100 dollar note back and left the hotel lobby.
The whole town was now without debt, and looked to the future with a lot of optimism.

[Des]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
                  By Pam Ayres
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
 Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
 Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
 It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
 And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
 'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
 When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
 And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
 I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
 When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
 When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
 Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
 From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
 Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits
 When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
 Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
 Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
 I wish I'd looked after me tits.
 When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
 When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
 When people see less of them rather than more,
 Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits









EDITED: Put bold on joke-kitkatz,Moderator

[Des]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven,  a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
   
  The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00
on one condition".
   
   Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
   
  The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said. . . .
   
   
   
 

"Clean my house."







EDITED:Bold the joke-kitkatz,Moderator
     
     

[Darthvadar]

A sweet little poem......


She whispered 'will it hurt me? '
'Of course not' answered he
'It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me.'

She said 'I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore.'

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.

'Calm yourself' he whispered
'His face filled with a grin
'Try and open wider
So I can get it in.'

'It's coming now' he whispered
'I know' she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said 'I am glad I'm having this.'

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said 'I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while.'

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what YOU imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!!...

[Darthvadar]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Darthvadar]

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas
 

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily.

 

 

Dec. 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily.

 

 

Dec. 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

 

 

Dec. 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

 

 

Dec. 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily.

 

 

Dec. 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love,

Emily.

 

 

Dec. 31

Edward,

I am quite sure I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no fewer than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

 

 

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily.

 

 

Jan. 2

See here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (though less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily.

 

 

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

 

 

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

 

 

Jan. 5

Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

G. Creep

Attorney at law.

[Stoday]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the Hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.