-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[willieandwinnie]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN...

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa ; half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe ; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece ; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ; has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN...

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ; ruled by nuts.

[willieandwinnie]

Brand new edition of... 'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10.. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11.. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12.. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13.. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14.. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15.. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16.. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17.. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18.. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19.. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20.. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21.. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22.. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23.. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25.. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26.. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27.. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28.. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29.. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30.. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[willieandwinnie]

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'


Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

[jessup]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
              'Hey Koala!  What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
 
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
 
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.   
The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'


So the koala looked down at him and said,


'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?'

 

[willieandwinnie]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

[willieandwinnie]

Sweet  Revenge !!
 
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
 
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
 
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
 
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky
house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.
 
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
 
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...but onl y if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

[paddbear0000]

   I love it! I'll have to remember that trick!   

[kitkatz]

My sister should have thought of that when she got divorced this year.

[Joe Paul]

The Gynecologist...............

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.  When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to Appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Joe Paul]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.


Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing

new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor

pain to the baby's father.
 
He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in

favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining

that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
 
But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead

and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure

and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.
 
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
 
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.
 
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

[willieandwinnie]

Sears Catalog


Two Farmers were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second  Farmer smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest  Farmer asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second Farmer replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
>

[breezysummerday]

Josh Comers:

I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick "Me Kick" signs on my back.
Then everyone thought I was the bully - with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.

[kitkatz]

Fun Things For A Professor To Do

This is a list of fun things professors can do to for fun on the first day of class.

Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

Address students as "worm."

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blow torch.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

[kitkatz]

How To Change Your Oil

Women:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Have another beer while oil is draining.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from step 11.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floor board in reaction.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw wrench.

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Beer.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

Drive car.

[deafman]

Nominated as the world's shortest joke.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mummy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[okarol]

    One Liners - or two - or three...

     I have kleptomania,
     but when it gets bad,
     I take something for it.
     
      FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
     Except that one where you're naked in church.
     
     Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
     
     Kinky is using a feather.
     Perverted is using the whole chicken.
     
     Heaven is Where:
     The Police are British,
     The Chefs are Italian,
     The Mechanics are German,
     The Lovers are French
          and
     It's all organized by the Swiss.

     Hell is Where:
     The Police are German,
     The Chefs are British,
     The Mechanics are French,
     The Lovers are Swiss
          and
     It's all organized by the Italians.
     
     Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
     
     My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
     Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
     
     Welcome to Utah
     Set your watch back 20 years.
     
     In just two days from now,
     tomorrow will be yesterday.
     
     A bartender is just a pharmacist
     with a limited inventory
       
     The statement below is true.
     The statement above is false.
     
     I may be schizophrenic,
     but at least I have each other.
     
     I am a Nobody.
     Nobody is Perfect.
     Therefore I am Perfect.
     
     KENTUCKY:
     Five million people,
     Fifteen last names.
     
     I'm not your type.
     I'm not inflatable.
     
     Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
     
     I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
     Sometimes I even put it in the food.
     
     Money isn't everything,
     but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
     
     Reality is only an illusion
     that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
     
     I like cats too.
     Let's exchange recipes.
     
     Red meat is not bad for you
     Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
     
     I am having an out-of-money experience.
     
     As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
     car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
     
     Don't sweat the petty things.
     Don't pet the sweaty things.
     
     Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
     
     I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
     not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
     
     I FOUND JESUS!
     He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
     

[willieandwinnie]

Older women are so practical

After being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now i have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that i would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis

[paul.karen]

Escalators never break down.
They just become stairs.

How do you share a kitkat if there are five people?

What do Michael jackson and caviar have in common.
they both  
oh i best not finish this one pm me if you want punch line






EDITED: Bold error corrected - Bajanne, Moderator

[kitkatz]

How do you share a kitkat if there are five people?

You beat the holy living crap out of it and share the pieces! 

[kitkatz]

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed.

Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer.

Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven.

The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?"

St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?

[willieandwinnie]

Pope goes to Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat
and a "Save the Trees" t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long knives the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions !" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy ?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

Well, the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[BigSteve]

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

                                                 

[Vicky]

In 2009 the government will start killing  all the mentally ill people.

 

I started crying when I thought of you.

 

Run little buddy, run!

[breezysummerday]

My Resimay
 
To hoom it mae cunsern,
 
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper, werking on the Veiw.
 I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am
 good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond
 too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but
 find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. 


My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think
 that I am werth, I kin start emeditely.  Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
 hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
 
Sinseerly,
 
Bubba
 
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.


 



 
 
 


 

 Employer's response:....

 Dear Bubba,
 
 It's OK, we've got spell check.

See you Monday,
deborah


Edited: Fixed bold format error - okarol/admin

[paddbear0000]