-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[LightLizard]

ok, too much suspense.

answer; not enough sand.

 

[goofynina]

ok, too much suspense.

answer; not enough sand.

 

*slaps knee*  ohhhhh, now i get it, BAHAHAHAHA,  not enough sand    we want to bury them  good one 

[okarol]

The most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line...


A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received:
 
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell" 

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, 
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 


Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face 


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not 


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face 


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: 
Marrying you screwed up my life
 

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming 


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
 

[okarol]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?

Stevie replies, "Not too bad, how's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."

Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger in astonishment say, "You play golf?"

Stevie replies, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods looks at him and says, "But you're blind.
How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Steve answers, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him.  Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?"  asks Woods.

Well, says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and then I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie replies, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie Wonder answers, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."

Tiger Woods thinks about and says, "OK,  I'm for that, when would you like to play?

Stevie  says,  "Pick a night."

[goofynina]

OHHHHH, LMFFAO ,,,, took me a minute but i got it, good one 

[okarol]

GRILLING SEASON


BBQ Rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.

When a man is on the Grill, the following chain of events are put into
motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

[tamara]

So very true........................

[goofynina]

OMG,  You just recited a BBQ at my house play by play EXCEPT, hubby has his beer in an ice chest, by his feet, next to his lounge chair, in the shade, next to the grill    so i just have to bend over and get it, SHEEEEEEIT, YAH FREAKEN RIGHT!!! 

[Kathleen]

Olie and sven are coming back from a day at the beach Ole alone, and sven with a few girls on his arm. Later that night, Ole asked Sven how come he gets all the women following him, and Ole sits alone under his umbrella.

So Sven says to Ole, "Ole, every morning I go down to da farmers market an get a long potatoe and pute'er in ma svim trunks, works every time".

Next day Ole takes Sven's advice, but still no girls. Ole finds Sven and says, "dat dere potatoe trick of yores don't work very good dat all!"

Sven looks at Ole, and shaking his head says, "Ole, ven I told you to pute the potatoe in yer trunks, I meant in da front!"

[Sluff]

GRILLING SEASON


BBQ Rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.

When a man is on the Grill, the following chain of events are put into
motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

It's just the way it should be.

[goofynina]

Olie and sven are coming back from a day at the beach Ole alone, and sven with a few girls on his arm. Later that night, Ole asked Sven how come he gets all the women following him, and Ole sits alone under his umbrella.

So Sven says to Ole, "Ole, every morning I go down to da farmers market an get a long potatoe and pute'er in ma svim trunks, works every time".

Next day Ole takes Sven's advice, but still no girls. Ole finds Sven and says, "dat dere potatoe trick of yores don't work very good dat all!"

Sven looks at Ole, and shaking his head says, "Ole, ven I told you to pute the potatoe in yer trunks, I meant in da front!"

  I tell ya,  If i still was able to pee, i would've peed myself on this one,  too damn funny 

[okarol]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,

"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

[angela515]

 

[okarol]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet.

[okarol]

    It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the
    local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to
    weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

    The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
    The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was
    not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
    student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came
    rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

    "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
    sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

    "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
    writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the
    students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who
    continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the
    professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He
    attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

    "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

    The student looked incredulous and angry.

    "Do you know who I am?"

    "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of
    sarcasm in his voice.

    "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

    "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
    superiority.

    "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
    exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[okarol]

SUBJECT: Loving old woman.

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship,
and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II,
I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country.
If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

[LightLizard]

I'm too lazy to look thru the whole thread to see if this has been posted before. If it has, forgive me.
if it hasn't, PLEASE forgive me.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
 
 
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
 

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.



Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.



What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.



How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit'


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 


Added bold  okarol/moderator

[angela515]

 

[tubes]

anyone have this exact setup by their door? 

[goofynina]

anyone have this exact setup by their door? 

Tubes? Darling?  i would appreciate it if you would ASK me if you could post my pic BEFORE you post it           

[okarol]

        THE LAWS OF LIFE

        * Law of Mechanical Repair
        After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
        * Law of the Workshop
        Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
        * Law of Probability
        The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
        * Law of the Telephone
        If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
        * Law of the Alibi
        If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
        * Variation Law
        If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
        * Law of the Bath
        When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
        * Law of Close Encounters
        The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
        * Law of the Result
        When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
        * Law of Bio mechanics
        The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
        * Law of the Theater
        At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
        * Law of Coffee
        As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
        * Murphy's Law of Lockers
        If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
        * Law of Rugs/Carpets
        The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
        * Law of Location
        No matter where you go, there you are.
        * Law of Logical Argument
        Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
        * Brown's Law
        If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
        * Oliver's Law
        A closed mouth gathers no feet.
        * Wilson 's Law
        As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
        * Doctors' Law
        If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[tubes]

  good one karol.

sorry susie i will remember to ask ur permission next time. 

also, sorry i posted that pic in the wrong section.  my bad.....

[okarol]

All girl biker bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

Now, seriously think about it, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times.

 

[kitkatz]

Remember the questions from Okarol? Well it took me awhile...but here are my answers in bold.
Can you cry under water? When you cry underwater,You will just change the salinity of the water because of the salt in the tears.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? They would have to be pretty close to as ass to be assassinated!

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to? Into a bank because thoughts will not paythe rent next month!

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? I hope they have women's section (large sizes)is heaven!

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Because of Pi r squared

What disease did cured ham actually have? Hoof in mouth disease!

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Caveman no need luggage!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?  Ever had a baby become dead weight in your arms sleeping. It becomes self-excplanatory!

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? I would not know, I can’t hear you!

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? But can’t you be in a movie on TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Gravity?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.   You know the old saying about “ Having clean underwear everyday?”

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?  It all depends on where you put each.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Poptarts!

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?  People lie.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Does the corpse have a valid driver’s license?

If the professor on Gilligan's  Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? It was not his project in the first place!

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Goofy is as Goofy does!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? ACME only sells products, not produce.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Mama Corn and Papa Vegetable!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Not unless you have a flow of morons just like a flow of electrons.

Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star  have the same tune?  No, it is not the same tune. We tried it together acapella and off key!
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  Because we are dorks!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt? Because ass-teroid would not get any TV air time in commercials.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window? It is all about the smell. Your breath smells bad, the air does not!

[okarol]

Ok Kit, well done!

Here's more to ponder...

some facts....
 
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
substitute for Blood plasma.
****************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~
****************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.
****************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
****************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
****************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
****************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
****************************************
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient
at waking you up in the morning.
*********************** ****************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
****************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung
cancer. So did the first " Marlboro Man. "
**********************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
****************************************
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
****************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth: 
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
****************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.
****************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
****************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush   be
kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid
airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
****************************************
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S.
president whose name contains all
the letters from the word "criminal."
The second? William Jefferson Clinton
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!!!)
****************************************
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their rear end. 
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
****************************************