-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[goofynina]

A few things to think about:

Can you cry under water?  Hmm, could that be like peeing underwater? if so, then yep!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? I think anyone in office who is murdered is considered "assassinated" but wait, what if they committed suicide?  Would that me an assassincide? or suicinated?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?   Duh, into the fountain of youth with all my other hundreds and thousands of pennies, that by the way have not done me a bit of good.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  Got me on this one, i think physics play a part here.

What disease did cured ham actually have? Must've been high blood pressure and the sodium did it in.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Cuz they finally let the ladies speak up for once.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?  Well, if you give them the right dose of Dimetapp or Robitussin, they are out like a light, just ask my hubby, oh wait, he is still asleep.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  Nah, sounds more like it would be a hand job to me   

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?  on T.V, in a movie, on the table, in the car, where ever, whenever, oh wait, thats not what you were asking, nevermind 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Cuz the person you are looking at in their underwear can get you for being a peeping Tom

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.  To place their bets with the nurses to see who can stop from laughing the longest when they do see you nude.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? you would be surprised at just how many "pantieS" i need to support this body of mine

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?  For my hubby when he pisses me off.  yep, it's all about burnt toast today baby!

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? He was an egotistical, self centered, conceited little boy and he wrote it for himself.

Can a hearse carrying  a corpse  drive in the carpool lane?   Only if the corpse is sitting shotgun.

If the professor on Gilligan's  Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  You think they really wanted to leave the island with someone like Ginger and MaryAnn there?  yah right.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!   Goofy' my dawg, bet i can get him on all 4's

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?   He got the acme crap on credit which back then, they didnt accept credit for food, now, they do, which in turn is why we lost our Visa dammit

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?   Don't even want to go there with this one, ew.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  The guys can probably answer this one better than we can, right ladies

Does the Alphabet song  and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star  have the same tune?  yep, sure does

 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  To see if i remembered my Alphabet and yes, to see if they do in fact have the same tune.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt?  Uh-oh, thanks for reminding me 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?  Have you ever noticed when a man asks for a ................nevermind

I have thought long and hard and my answers are in bold, can anyone else think of answers too    Hope i didnt offend anyone, if i did, i am sorry 

[jbeany]

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.

Then they are all running around up there barefoot.  When we picked out clothes for my mom, we included the matching high heels that went with the dress.  The undertaker gave the heels back - he said they never put shoes on since the feet were not visible in the casket.  My sister was sure my mom would have been really upset by that!

[Jill D.]

A few things to think about:

Can you cry under water?  Hmm, could that be like peeing underwater? if so, then yep!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? I think anyone in office who is murdered is considered "assassinated" but wait, what if they committed suicide?  Would that me an assassincide? or suicinated?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?   Duh, into the fountain of youth with all my other hundreds and thousands of pennies, that by the way have not done me a bit of good.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  All i ask is that someone please put some damn bloomers on me that are clean and with NO holes, geeeze.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  Got me on this one, i think physics play a part here.

What disease did cured ham actually have? Must've been high blood pressure and the sodium did it in.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Cuz they finally let the ladies speak up for once.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?  Well, if you give them the right dose of Dimetapp or Robitussin, they are out like a light, just ask my hubby, oh wait, he is still asleep.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  Nah, sounds more like it would be a hand job to me   

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?  on T.V, in a movie, on the table, in the car, where ever, whenever, oh wait, thats not what you were asking, nevermind 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Cuz the person you are looking at in their underwear can get you for being a peeping Tom

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.  To place their bets with the nurses to see who can stop from laughing the longest when they do see you nude.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? you would be surprised at just how many "pantieS" i need to support this body of mine

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?  For my hubby when he pisses me off.  yep, it's all about burnt toast today baby!

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? He was an egotistical, self centered, conceited little boy and he wrote it for himself.

Can a hearse carrying  a corpse  drive in the carpool lane?   Only if the corpse is sitting shotgun.

If the professor on Gilligan's  Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  You think they really wanted to leave the island with someone like Ginger and MaryAnn there?  yah right.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!   Goofy' my dawg, bet i can get him on all 4's

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?   He got the acme crap on credit which back then, they didnt accept credit for food, now, they do, which in turn is why we lost our Visa dammit

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?   Don't even want to go there with this one, ew.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  The guys can probably answer this one better than we can, right ladies

Does the Alphabet song  and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star  have the same tune?  yep, sure does

 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  To see if i remembered my Alphabet and yes, to see if they do in fact have the same tune.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorroid when it's in your butt?  Uh-oh, thanks for reminding me 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?  Have you ever noticed when a man asks for a ................nevermind

I have thought long and hard and my answers are in bold, can anyone else think of answers too    Hope i didnt offend anyone, if i did, i am sorry 

  so funny...so witty...LMFAO!!!!!

[okarol]

  OMG my head hurts from laffing!!!!!  Goofynina you're killing me!!! 

[okarol]

 set it on vibrate....

[Hawkeye]

set it on vibrate....

I had a Professor at DeVry that had a rule like this about cell phones and pagers in class.  Basically this better be the only way you are using them in class.

[kitkatz]

Okay my answers are coming to those questions!

[angela515]

 

[okarol]

     Not so famous quotes:

1. My Wife and I divorced over religious differences.  She thought she was God and I didn't.
 
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
 
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
 
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
 
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
 
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
 
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
 
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
 
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
 
11. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
 
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
 
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
 
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 
15. Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.
 
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
 
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
 
18.  Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
 
19.  Procrastinate Now!
 
20.  I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
 
21.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 
22,  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
 
23.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere!
 
24.  They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
 
25.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
 
26.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
 
27.  Ham and eggs.  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
 
28.  The trouble with life is there's no background music.
 
29.  The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
 
30.  I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

[okarol]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several  months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f*ck away from me."

 

[goofynina]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends..... None of them knew about it.



Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
Claimed that he was still there.

[okarol]

Why Men Have 2 Dogs...And Not 2 Wives

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[okarol]

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape. You might want to take it easy at first then
do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some so please remember...

ALWAYS consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

NOW SCROLL DOWN...
>>
>>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > NOW SCROLL UP........... Feel the burn!

[Joe Paul]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice, when suddenly. from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut another hole. Again, from the heaven, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved away to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole.

The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
At this, she stopped and look skyward. "Is that you, Lord?" she asked.
"No", replied the voice, "This is the Ice-Rink Manager!"

[okarol]

 

[Sluff]

Good one JP

[kitkatz]

Hey, I am blonde.  Are we really that dumb?

[Hawkeye]

Hey, I am blonde.  Are we really that dumb?

Well I guess if your blonde and you had to ask......JK 

But gain satisfaction in the fact that blondes have more fun.

[ILOVEFLUID]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trayie-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you: Tray-up, Bitch."

[LightLizard]

why don't cannibals eat clowns?

[glitter]

they taste funny?  hahahaha 

[lola]

 

[LightLizard]

they taste funny?  hahahaha 

 

yup.

[LightLizard]

guy walks into a bar and the bartender says; 'Hey mister, you've got a steering wheel
down the front of your pants!'

'I know,' says the guy, 'it's driving me nuts!'

 

[LightLizard]

what do you have when you've got several politicians up to their necks in sand?