-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[mcjane]

A Blonde's Year in Review




January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
'
2-4 years!'


April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!


May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of  water won't
fit
into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. 


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.


September 
The capital of   California is 'C'.....isn't it??? 


October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November 
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!


December


Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
phone!!!

[mcjane]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. 


A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
she
went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than
ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'


To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'





' My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'   

[paul.karen]

LOL

[Stoday]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life
 
     1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

    5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other 
 
 
    Signed
 


    Tiger Woods

[Stoday]

Australian Medical Association Researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.   It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.





Just thought you'd like to know.

[fc2821]

      and 

[Stoday]

SUPPORTIVE HUSBANDS

It’s important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

[okarol]

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:


Crap!

I forgot what it was...

[Stoday]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
 
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
 
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard and asks "Are you Mohammed?"
 
"No,  my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up."
 
And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
 
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, eventually coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
 
He  asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
 
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
 
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy,  he continues to climb the ladder and yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets yet another man with a beard.
 
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
 
"No, I am Jesus....You will find Mohammed higher up."
 
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
 
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
 
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
 
"No, my son, I am God, but you look exhausted, would you like a coffee?"
 
"Yes please God, a coffee would really be appreciated right now."
 
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"

[SkyDancer]

Blonde Joke
    There's this blonde that hears a milk bath can make you look years younger.So,she leaves a note out for her milkman that says she needs 25 gallons of milk.The milkman comes and reads her note.Puzzled he knocks on the blonde's door and says"Ma'am did you mean you need 2.5 gallons of milk?""No" replies the blonde," I want to take a milk bath ,so I need 25 gallons to fill my bathtub".The milkman says "Ok,do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde looks at the milkman and says"No, just enough to cover my boobs,I can just splash it over my face".

[SkyDancer]

Here's another one from "One Tough Mama"aka mom.


The airlines won't let you carry knitting needles on-board planes. They're afraid you might knit an Afghan.

[SkyDancer]

Mars and Kit Kat were in love.One night they were laying on the beach ,watching the Milky Way.He holds her close and whispers,"Almond Joy feeling your Mounds".Blushing, she replies "You're my hero not a Zero".They are together and now have a Baby Ruth,and son named Rollo. Does this story make you Snicker?
  Hungry anyone? Thanks again to One Tough Mama LOL

[okarol]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[SkyDancer]

  LOL good one okarol

[Stoday]

As there are a few teacher members of IHD I thought they'd appreciate this:

There was a teacher who was helping one of her primary students put on his boots, even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off then he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left, to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.'

[Darthvadar]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"£10. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
£110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
£10, not £110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from
Grandma!"

[Stoday]

THE INNS AND OUTS OF CONTACT BRIDGE

Contact is undoubtedly the coming game, and the author is confident that these short hints will be useful to all players.
Contact has been revolutionised and improved by the introduction of the Approach Principles and its twin brother the Forcing System. The great thing to remember is that all the usual tricks are used, but the Honour tricks are to be entirely disregarded.

The Forcing Principle:
The Forcing Principle is used to produce Game, and where partner, though possessing game requirements, fails through timidity to disclose them.
Forcing situations occur when:
1.   Partner has great Honour strength and refuses to open.
2.   You possess extra length on a freak.
3.   Partner has a perfect bust and holds no stoppers.

Dont’s
1.   Never hold up the game.
2.   Never leave your partner with an unguarded Major.
3.   Never employ the Forcing Principle with a young partner without first considering the results to be obtained by careful manipulation of the hand.

Conventions
The game can sometimes be got underway without ceremony by mentioning a diamond.
The one-over-one is the one of the oldest conventions and still holds good. Partner can signal for a Take-out by making a Squeeze Play (Making a single non-jump take-out so as not to rough Partner’s Jack).

The Rule of Eight (a yardstick for determining holdings)
Assuming the Partner has a bare Queen, make an opening in Partner’s suit. If Opponent raises, as he probably will, the length of his holding will be revealed. Obviously, your chances of making game with a 4—4½ in. against an opponent with an 8—8½ in. are nil, except perhaps with a dummy set-up.

Leads
Where Partner leads the Queen up to your Jack it is a strong lead. Where Partner holds the Queen in hand after your Jack is exposed, it is a weak lead.

Take-Out
A regulation take-out may be made to prolong the game or to permit Partner to pass. An immediate take-out is essential if partner is vulnerable. A forced take-out is the result of being caught in a minor. A jump take-out is advised when there is danger of losing the rubber.

Re-Entries
Re-entry may be made immediately after a take-out if you have a raise and sufficient strength. Re-entry may be made through your hand provided you know where the Queen lies. Re-entry through your Partner’s hand is usually the best expedient, particularly for the novice, but in no case can the entry be guaranteed after the third round.

Suits
In Contact, avoid long suits where possible except in defence play. Short suits are a great advantage and if your partner is void (has no suit at all) better stop. There is no object in raising partner’s suit unless you intend to go for game. Never make a Jump Take-Out in a good suit. Many suits have been ruined by this procedure. If partner passes during the opening play it is often necessary to change your suit.

Defensive  Play.
The best defensive play is to throw away your Jack. The following plays are considered offensive:
1.   Placing your jack on partner’s queen and immediately making a jump.
2.   Cross ruffing. This procedure is difficult of description but in general consists of alter-nating play with your Jack between partner’s Queen and Ace. (You’d be surprised how offensive this is.)

Responses
Normal support is expected from partner, but if partner tries Shut-out, it is better to discard the Jack and open with a Spade.

[paul.karen]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'Okay. Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[okarol]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep s..t now!'

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the
panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther.  So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...

'Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!


Moral of this story......

Don't mess with the old dogs.  Age and skill will always overcome youth and
treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Stoday]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.  "$100," she replies.
 
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"  "No" she says.   
   
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."  "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
 
"I pay you $300."  "No," she says.
 
"I pay you $400."  "No," she says.
 
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant  style."
 
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
 
So she agrees and has sex with him.  Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.  So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
 
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

[Darthvadar]

One for the cat owners..... And before you send around the heavy mob.... It's a joke!!!!!...

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

 

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

 

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
 



4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

 

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

 

 

Call spouse in from the garden.



6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

 

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
 

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

 

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 


10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

 

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

 

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

 

Take last pill from foil wrap.


13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 



14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.
 

 
 

[SkyDancer]

Maurice a single 82 year old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple days later the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,"You're really doing great,aren't you?"
Maurice replied," Just doing what you said doc,Get a hot mama and be cheerful!"
The doctor said " I did not say that,I said "You got a heart murmur,be careful!"

[Stoday]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Of course, sir.  Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she appears out of nowhere.'

[Chris]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Sounds like a case of "mr. Obvious" if you have Bob and Tom on the radio.

[monrein]

  Actual Passport Letter...Hilarious....A Must Read


 
       Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows

that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the

income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health

insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports

I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out

before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those

insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that

ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you

an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my

house, then you ask me for my p*ckin' address. What is going on? You have a

gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up

Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy

beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan

on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do

something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not

want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and

get another p*ckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to

assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us

running all over the p*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,

then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture

- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!  (p*ckin'

morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate p*cking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to

confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776

when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served

in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances

up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years

and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,

someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST p*cking CHINA !!!