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Author Topic: Favorite Comedian Quotes  (Read 3580 times)
kellyt
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« on: September 21, 2008, 04:49:57 PM »
My fake plants died because I stopped pretending to water them.

 - Mitch Hedberg


You should never see a sign that says "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order".  It should say "Escalator Temporarily Stairs.  Sorry for the Convenience".

- Mitch Hedberg


Do you suppose there has ever been a documented case of "nice Tourettes"?       "NICE HAT!!!!"

 - Bill Burr
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1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
donnia
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me and my donor Joyce
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2008, 05:29:56 PM »
"Chucky Cheese... you don't need no Chucky Cheese... you wanna see a mouse?  Pull out the refrigerator"

George Lopez
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Born with one kidney 1972
Ureter re-constructured 1975 (reflux had already damaged the kidney)
Diagnosed and treated for high blood pressure 2000
Diagnosed ESRF October 2006
Started dialysis September 2007
Last dialysis June 4, 2008
Transplant from my hero, Joyce, June 5, 2008
kellyt
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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2008, 06:03:32 PM »
Donnia, why aren't you watching the Cowboys?
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1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
jbeany
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Cattitude
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2008, 06:08:28 PM »
Carlin's entire "stuff" routine.

Maybe that's just on my mind because I'm packing to move!
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"Asbestos Gelos"  (As-bes-tos yay-lohs) Greek. Literally, "fireproof laughter".  A term used by Homer for invincible laughter in the face of death and mortality.
kellyt
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« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2008, 06:11:47 PM »
"I need more stuff!"   Yes, he's good!
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1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
donnia
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me and my donor Joyce
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2008, 07:36:50 PM »
I love anything that George Lopez does.... I cant think of anymore lines cause I am watching the Cowboys right now....   :flower;

Kelly... I'm watching and posting at the same time  :2thumbsup;

I never miss a Cowboys game!  :flower;
Logged
Born with one kidney 1972
Ureter re-constructured 1975 (reflux had already damaged the kidney)
Diagnosed and treated for high blood pressure 2000
Diagnosed ESRF October 2006
Started dialysis September 2007
Last dialysis June 4, 2008
Transplant from my hero, Joyce, June 5, 2008
Chris
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2008, 08:34:24 PM »
Mitch Hedberg, from new CD "Do You Believe In Gosh"

I have a bunch of vest, but if I had no arms, I would have a bunch of jackets
Logged
Diabetes -  age 7

Neuropathy in legs age 10

Eye impairments and blindness in one eye began in 95, major one during visit to the Indy 500 race of that year
   -glaucoma and surgery for that
     -cataract surgery twice on same eye (2000 - 2002). another one growing in good eye
     - vitrectomy in good eye post tx November 2003, totally blind for 4 months due to complications with meds and infection

Diagnosed with ESRD June 29, 1999
1st Dialysis - July 4, 1999
Last Dialysis - December 2, 2000

Kidney and Pancreas Transplant - December 3, 2000

Cataract Surgery on good eye - June 24, 2009
Knee Surgery 2010
2011/2012 in process of getting a guide dog
Guide Dog Training begins July 2, 2012 in NY
Guide Dog by end of July 2012
Next eye surgery late 2012 or 2013 if I feel like it
Home with Guide dog - July 27, 2012
Knee Surgery #2 - Oct 15, 2012
Eye Surgery - Nov 2012
Lifes Adventures -  Priceless

No two day's are the same, are they?
kellyt
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« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2008, 08:36:04 PM »
"Rice is good when you want to eat a million of something."

 - Mitch Hedberg
Logged
1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
Wallyz
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« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2008, 09:49:11 PM »
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”

Dimitri Martin
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twirl
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2008, 09:31:40 AM »
oops, I read this post too fast
thought it said famous Canadian quotes
Kimcanada famous quote:
I WIN I WIN I WIN
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kimcanada
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« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2008, 04:52:21 PM »
HAHAHAH

I found it Twirl!!!!


I WIN!!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
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kellyt
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« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2008, 05:07:35 PM »
Quote from: Wallyz on September 21, 2008, 09:49:11 PM
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”

Dimitri Martin

I googled Dimitri Martin and watched a short clip of him performing for Comedy Central.  He is really funny!  Thanks for sharing!
Logged
1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
twirl
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2008, 03:45:30 PM »
Kimcanada
you win the cutest dog holding an onion contest
that is enough
I win
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okarol
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Photo is Jenna - after Disneyland - 1988

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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2008, 04:59:50 PM »
Quote from: jbeany on September 21, 2008, 06:08:28 PM
Carlin's entire "stuff" routine.

Maybe that's just on my mind because I'm packing to move!

Oh one of my favs! Here it is www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac
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Admin for IHateDialysis 2008 - 2014, retired.
Jenna is our daughter, bad bladder damaged her kidneys.
Was on in-center hemodialysis 2003-2007.
7 yr transplant lost due to rejection.
She did PD Sept. 2013 - July 2017
Found a swap living donor using social media, friends, family.
New kidney in a paired donation swap July 26, 2017.
Her story ---> https://www.facebook.com/WantedKidneyDonor
Please watch her video: http://youtu.be/D9ZuVJ_s80Y
Living Donors Rock! http://www.livingdonorsonline.org -
News video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-7KvgQDWpU
kellyt
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« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2008, 04:30:02 PM »
"From now on I'm choosing the elevator over the stairs.  Recently I was at the mall.  I was going up the escalator and I tripped.  I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half!!!"

 - I can't remember who the comedian is...
Logged
1993 diagnosed with glomerulonephritis.
Oct 41, 2007 - Got fistula placed.
Feb 13, 2008 - Activated on "the list".
Nov 5, 2008 - Received living donor transplant from my sister-in-law, Etta.
Nov 5, 2011 - THREE YEARS POST TRANSPLANT!  :D
Run8
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308-850-5711
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2008, 05:02:19 PM »
i'm so sorry,but i couldn;t help myself, that amputee one.OMG,OMG,OMG, .
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Run8
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« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2008, 05:07:46 PM »
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my hands.

Stephen Wright
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kimcanada
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« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2008, 05:15:32 PM »
One of my all-time favorite movie lines is from Hot Shots Part 2.

 I will kill you until you are dead!
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Run8
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« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2008, 05:46:01 PM »
women may be able to fake orgasms.but men can fake whole relationships.

jimmy shubert
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Chris
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« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2008, 08:03:13 PM »
"I saw a sheet on the floor and thought it was a ghost who passed out, so I kicked it!"

Mitch Hedberg
Logged
Diabetes -  age 7

Neuropathy in legs age 10

Eye impairments and blindness in one eye began in 95, major one during visit to the Indy 500 race of that year
   -glaucoma and surgery for that
     -cataract surgery twice on same eye (2000 - 2002). another one growing in good eye
     - vitrectomy in good eye post tx November 2003, totally blind for 4 months due to complications with meds and infection

Diagnosed with ESRD June 29, 1999
1st Dialysis - July 4, 1999
Last Dialysis - December 2, 2000

Kidney and Pancreas Transplant - December 3, 2000

Cataract Surgery on good eye - June 24, 2009
Knee Surgery 2010
2011/2012 in process of getting a guide dog
Guide Dog Training begins July 2, 2012 in NY
Guide Dog by end of July 2012
Next eye surgery late 2012 or 2013 if I feel like it
Home with Guide dog - July 27, 2012
Knee Surgery #2 - Oct 15, 2012
Eye Surgery - Nov 2012
Lifes Adventures -  Priceless

No two day's are the same, are they?
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