i need advice on kids

[keith]

As alot of you may know that I've not been on in a while, and that is because I've been going Thur a long and hard process and it has been for my kids. I have just gotten custody of my to youngest kids( 9& 12) and I'm not going to lie it has been a very stressful on me , but i hung in there and now all three of my kids stay with my wife and i .my problem is that my son who is 9 is always crying if i tell him that he needs to do his chores or to pick up his things,and this morning i told him that he needs to start doing his share of work ( making his bed , brush his teeth, wash his butt)and outta no where he tells me that  he is scared of me and it broke my heart and i had no response for  him i just started crying after he left 4 school . i mean i was heart broken and it's still hurting deep down inside, i called his mom and she informed me that he is not use to doing those things unless she does them 4 him , i need help i don't know what to do SOMEBODY  ANYBODY   HELP ME PLEASE I love all of my kids and i don't want him or any of my kids to hate me , now b-4 anyone says send him back wit his mom she has no place to stay

[Deanne]

What an awful thing to hear from your own child! I don't have kids, so take whatever I say with a large grain of salt (oh, wait, we aren't supposed to eat salt). Maybe a shot of something else???

It sounds like you're doing a great job of setting rules for your kids. They need guidelines and the things it sounds like you're asking from him are things any child should be able to do for himself. Maybe you could sit down with him later to talk about why he said he's afraid of you and to reassure him that he's safe. Since he's pretty new to living with you, he's probably feeling very unsettled and is probably fearful of a lot of things. Change is hard for everyone and when you're just a little kid who doesn't have a lot of control over your life, it's probably terrifying to have your world turned upside down. The fear he's talking about probably isn't really fear of YOU, just fear of this unknown new life.

[okarol]

Awww hang in there dad. Parenting is not easy. But you're not their friend, you're their dad, and sometimes they don't like what you're asking them to do.
Since he isn't use to doing things on his own maybe you could make a chore chart for him, and if he does what he's supposed to at the end of the week you'll take them out for an ice cream cone or something simple.
I was scared of my mom, but that was because she would hit first and ask questions later. It will take a little time but things will balance out - this is a big adjustment.
 

[willieandwinnie]

keith, I would never suggest that you send him back to his mother. I'm sure he didn't mean that he is truly afraid of you. I have a problem with his Mom never had him do any chores, didn't he pick up he's own toys and put them away? I would venture to say that the little guy is distressed. Children say things all the time that they don't realize what the meaning is. Try talking to your 12 year old and get him involved with helping the 9 year old with things. Your children have gone through a change in their lives and it is going to take time to adjust. Sometimes we need to not let their words just eat at us. When my son was 9 or 10, I told him to do something and he told me he hated me. I thought the world was ending. Later in the day he came and sat by me on the couch and told me he loved me. They are after all, children. Give him sometime to get use to the surroundings but tell him that somethings are his responsibility, brushing teeth, bathing, picking up clothes, putting toys away, tell him they are his afterall. Have you thought about a small allowance and a chore list on the refrigerator? I hope by the time he gets home from school, that you are feeling better. Keep us posted.  

[rose1999]

Keith, first of all congratulations on getting custody of your children, it must have been a long hard struggle.  Your little boy will be scared of this new life, not really of YOU and of course you don't know what his mum has told him about you (possibly even lies, I don't know her and I'm not judging her but I know it happens).  Can you start by doing chores together, like helping him make his bed and then gradually get him to do a bit more until he is doing it for himself? Or trade chores, say I'll make your bed if you tidy your clothes away.  If he hasn't done it before then he may be scared of doing it wrong. And don't forget to tell him you love him and that you always will, despite what he says to you, he's just a frightened little boy. I wish you lots of luck and love 

[annabanana]

And when you talk to him, don't forget to get down on his level...like sit on the floor or crouch down to where your face is level with his. Very important, I believe.

[twirl]

it will take time
he will get to know you
everything is new to him and he must miss his mother
he needs to learn to do things on his own especially at 9 years of age
give and take
maybe he is just afraid of the new living situation
you appear to me to be a very concerned person and parent
he has got to love you
he misses his mom
and in time he will be comfortable with you
I do not know but maybe his mom has said some untrue things about you

[monrein]

I agree with the other posters Keith and would offer much the same advice.  It will take time for you and your kids to properly reconnect and know each other but in the meantime it's really important to keep talking talking talking together about everything.  Like why you want him to do chores.  It's not a punishment, it's what we all have to do in the world if we want to be independent people able to live without parents in the world.  Like why he feels scared of you.  Make it really safe for him by telling him that it makes you sad to think of someone you love so much being afraid of you and that your wish is for him to never feel afraid since your job is to help him feel protected, definitely not scared.  He might have heard some things from his mother that have him thinking you're the "bad" guy.  He may be nervous about the chores because he has no experience of doing them so I would definitely do them with him and teach him exactly what you expect and how to achieve it.  Try to make it a fun time to be together and give him lots of praise as he gets things done.  Reward his progress with a treat of some special outing or time together and let him experience you as a non-scary Dad.  Words often are not enough when kids have some strong idea about something or someone in their mind.  Don't get mad if the chores aren't done very well at first.  I'd expect that they won't be and build from there.

Hang in there Keith.  Your intentions towards your kids sound terrific and it will take some time for them to know and feel that for themselves.  You're all in the middle of a very tough adjustment and it can't be fast-tracked.  Connections take real time.

Best of luck.

[kitkatz]

Pretty much you have to get him to know you love him no matter what and will not leave him. Give him time to adjust to your household.

[twirl]

so Keith how did it go last night when your son got home

[paris]

Great ideas from everyone.  Another hint someone gave me years ago was to not go back and redo what the child has done.  If they try to make their beds, don't go back and staighten it after them.  Just praise them for the job they did.  Children crave praise and acceptence.    They are adjusting and it will take time for them to know what the expectation value is.  Children love boundries, responsibilities, and routine.   I always believe that children live up to what you expect of them.  And it sounds like not much has been expected of them.  Lead by example and they will understand how things should be.    Lots of love, hugs, praise and encouragement goes a long way.    Hang in there!   

[MIbarra]

Hope things are getting better!   

[keith]

first and formost I'd like to take time out thank everyone who gave me some ways to get pass this and to let you all kno dat my son and i are now getting along well we have spent alot of together and i kno dat we are alot closer than ever before

[twirl]

yeah keith keith keith
you are okay

[okarol]

  Great keith!

[Deanne]

Your kids are lucky to have you for a dad! Way to go!!!!!! 

[willieandwinnie]

  keith. Glad everything is going well. 

[MIbarra]

I'm so glad for you, Keith!