Dealing with Patient losses

[HappyPenguin]

Really not sure if this is proper question considering most users are dialysis patients here. If it sounds offensive, please delete it admins.

My question is how do you as a dialysis professional deal with patients deaths. Over the last 15 years I have found wonderful friendships with many, many patients. A few of these I even visited their home and spent time with their families. (I know it's frowned upon, but when i'm not at work, I'M NOT AT WORK) I have lost so many dialysis patient/friends over the years. I have attended about 90% of the visitations, if not the funeral itself. I still receive calls from one of my past patients family. His wife calls whenever she needs her glucose monitor checked, o2 tank changed, etc.  I have even been to her church services.
  This was one of the reasons I left nursing and went to technical. I dont know if this type of friendship is normal or even healthy for a dialysis nurse, but this is who I am. I have tried to distance myself from the patients while I was in technical, but always in the back of my mind is "What if I'm missing something?" What if I'm missing out on meeting and getting to know a great man or woman? What if I'm missing out on some token wisdom that might be granted me from one of my patients? What if the heartache from their loss doesnt even compare to the wonders of the friendship?
   Not sure where this was headed and sorry for the long post. It's basically frustrating knowing that I will find wonderful friends in my patients and yet I am destined to lose them.      


EDITED: Thread moved to proper section: "Dialysis-Employees" - Bajanne, Moderator

[Ohio Buckeye]

I'm not a dialysis worker but I have had much loss in my life,
parents, 2 brothers, a son, a husband, couple good friends,
good friend's mother.  I can't talk about it from a worker-patient
relationship but anytime we become close to anyone or invest our
life into someone we risk the chance of losing them.  In all of my
cases my life and hopefully their life was richer because of each other.
Everyone has something to offer.  Patients are more understanding
and compassionate people because of what they go through or very mean
because of what they go through. I would not want to take the chance
of losing a spouse again tho.  Way too painful to go through again.
I don't have any friendships with anyone at the dialysis clinic. just
hasn't happened.

[okarol]

We have lost members here on IHD. It's devastating because we get to be so close, even on a message forum, relationships develop.
Would I stop getting involved because I might lose a friend? Isn't all we really have is the time we spend together?
I am a volunteer here, so it's different than a job that you have to go to every day, so I can take a break from it if I need to.
I admire you for seeing the value in building friendships with dialysis patients. Yes, it will be hard. I don't know how you can be a loving friend without hurting when there's a loss. Best of luck to you!

[Bajanne]

Please, don't stop!  It means so much to the people with whom you interact.  I know it must be hard for you, but it is hard for them too.  I am gratified that there is a dialysis worker who shows so much empathy with the patients.  Blessings on you.

[letaek]

Two days ago my sister, husband and I went to father's dialysis clinic around the time my dad would have been going in for treatment. He passed away this weekend and we didn't want the center to call the house and us have to tell them over the phone. My father was always cracking jokes and telling war stories to the nurses and techs. He had nicknames for all of them and they were so nice and sweet and informative when my sister mom or myself would go visit my dad in dialysis. It's people like you that I am thankful for. They make it ok, make it better -they give it a more human touch that so many of my dad's doctors lacked...It's great to be to the point but they forget this was someone who is loved enormously-sorry I ramble. I guess I am just saying you are who you are and please don't change it! It is people like you that make this life a good one

[Sluff]

People on dialysis need you. There should be more like you in the world. I hope your periods of grief never become so great that it overrides your caring personality.

[MattyBoy100]

I'm quite close to some of the nurses in my unit.  One of them brings in movies for me to watch and the cleaner at my unit gets pirated dvds for me before they are released here.  I don't know if that's friendship or not but all these people make my time at dialysis more enjoyable.  I actually  look forward to going in and seeing them.  I don't have much of a social life - I work 2 evenings a week and have dialysis for 3 evenings so I can see how I am transferring some of my social life to the people at the dialysis centre.

[Romona]

I think it is great you care so much. 

[livecam]

Several patients I knew passed away while I was on dialysis.  I recall that one really nice older lady who often greeted me wasn't there one day.  They said that she had decided to stop dialysis, that she couldn't deal with it anymore.  That  was very hard for me to deal with because I understood immediately what that meant.

[lovemypts]

This is the one part of my job that is the most frustrating. I know that I am not supposed to get close. But honestly, I see my pts. more than I do my children. How can we not care about you. I have to be honest, I can't go to funerals anymore, they tear out my heart. I say many prayers that help to settle my heart, but it steal bleeds for all you guys go through. I don't think this part of my job will ever get better as far as acceptance. It just makes me think, did I do enough for them? Please stay healthy. God Bless!!

[Krisna]

I've been a kidney patient since late 1979.  I have formed many friendships with staff over the years.  Especially those staff members at my kidney center.  I have been going there between transplants since abt 1995.  I have become extremely close to all the nurses and tech's, as well as my doctors and surgeons.  We have lost quite a few patients and being like a family allows us to lean on one another.  It's had to deal with it by yourself.  No matter which side of it you're on!

Getting close to patients is frowned upon but I think it increases the quality of care we patients receive.  I hate staff members who put up a wall it makes me less likely to trust them with my care.

[Audreysmomma]

I've been a technician for three years now and I have lost so many patients that I can't count! Every single one hurts! I too have developed many "frowned upon" relationships with my patients, you see the 3 times a week for up to 4 hours, how can you not? When I got pregnant 2 years ago, before I went on maternity leave a few of my patients even bought me gifts which I did not want to except because I did not want them spending their money on me but it ment so much. I've gotten SO involved with a certain patient that I gave him and his wife all of my babie's things after she stoped using them. They have a daughter exactly one year younger than mine. If anything were to happen to him it would be like loosing a family member. That is how I look at all of my patients(even the ones that piss me off at times:) they are my family. Keep being involved, for some patients we are all they have!

[dialysis RN]

Lossing pts is the worst part of the job, like you said the pts are in your life so much that they are truly good friends.  It is hard to associate these people as just "patients" when I see them more then I do my family.  One of my favorite pts is admitted to the hospital and coded while on dialysis at the hospital,  he is 86, and not doing well.   It is taring me up right now.

[lovearenalcaretech]

I've been working in dialysis for almost 4 years.  I have seen my share of patient losses.  They tell us in training that we must draw the line somewhere in between doing our job and more.  I don't care what line they're talking about.  Sure we have boundaries as professionals that we must stick to, but no one can tell me what my heart feels.  I have attended every service of every patient that passed since I started this job.  My co-workers think I'm being "too much".  I tell them to think of the patient as being Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, etc.   There was one patient whom I worked with only once (I had just started a month before).  He passed away shortly after his last treatment which I did for him (he decided to sign off dialysis).  He remembered my name, wrote it down, and weeks later his daughter came into the clinic to thank everyone and she handed me a sealed envelope with my name in his handwriting.  It was from that patient saying "thank you"    for being his tech for his last treatment (we didn't know at the time that he was going to sign off the following day).  I broke down and cried in front of everyone in the clinic.  To this day I still have that note.  At his service, I told his wife and daughter what the note had said and asked if they wanted to keep it.  They said no, for they said that it was one of his "final wishes" that I get his note in a sealed envelope.  From that day forth, I realized how important my role in dialysis patient's lives are.  I don't need an "Employee of the Month" award to satisfy me.  Satisfaction is knowing that I helped someone on dialysis live one more day.  May God rest his soul.   

[rose1999]

I'm glad you realise how much you mean to your patients and I wish all techs/nurses were like you. My Dad thinks the world of some of his nurses, after all he spends more time with them than with a lot of his family.  Thank you for caring about your patients as well as caring for them. 

[Kitsune]

I wouldn't know about having techs who care. Some are superficially friendly to us, but they are not our friends. Basically it's a "Stick 'em and git 'r done" kind of thing at the center I go to. The techs are not our friends, we aren't theirs. When a patient dies at our center, no one cares but their families and friends (provided they aren't family-less due to age or other factors) and some patients. You just kind of get used to the apathy, I guess. Besides, how can a patient really be friends with someone who has power over them? I wouldn't.

[Lori1851]

Keep your friendship with them. My son became good friends with some of teh Techs. They said Dustin was such a joy adn brought so much to their lives. They also gave him the strength to go on. They even came to the hospital when he was in ICU. That meant so much to me and Dustin's dad.
Love who you want. There is nothing greater.

Lori/Indiana

[cherylann]

I lost my first patient about 2 weeks ago and was devastated. I know that its going to happen ..alot. I just remember how kind he has been throughout my training. He had an access in his leg, and when i would get ready to cannulate Him He would always say *Remember, venous to the penis*! Meaning of course that the venous line was to be placed on the side closest to the inside of the leg.  He had just celebrated HIs birthday and His anniversary with his wife of 60 years.... A sad it was for all of us...And we still miss seeing him early in the mornings.....