New Joke

[twirl]

Medicare in a nutshell
 The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs.Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs.Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"Mrs.Ward asked nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what an I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[thegrammalady]

            

[twirl]

we need a new joke

[pelagia]

Well, lucky for me, I never read the old ones.  Here's what I have to say:
 
  thank you!!!!

[twirl]

A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, "I don't have a headache!" He says, "Aha!"

A Texas rancher visited another rancher while vacationing in Australia. Upon being shown the Australian rancher's large farmland the boisterous Texan proudly exclaimed that his ranch back in Texas was several times larger. The two then walked over to where the Australian cattle were grazing. Not surprisingly, the Texas bragged that his longhorn cattle were twice as large.
A few moments later several kangaroos ran past the ranch, and the Texan asked,"What in the world are those?"
The Australian replied,"Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

[annabanana]

  Twirl, I had to copy these for my mother, who lived in Texas for quite a while. She will love these!

Boxman, I'll pass on copying your joke for my mom but I loved it!

[G-Ma]

Attached is story of a Chili Cook Off in Texas.....    

[twirl]

There is a  factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
I'm sorry, he says to her barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."[/b]

[Katonsdad]

 

You guys are just a bunch of NUTS

[mcjane]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weighing machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in.

Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down.

From nowhere a cowboy appeared, came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine she trotted. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, with that, she tripped getting off the scale and suddenly broke wind. Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you have fiddled and farted around, and you've missed your plane to Chicago."