My best friend

[KICKSTART]

Drives me mad! We have been friends for over 30 yrs , we grew up together and now i only live 5 mins walk from her house! Do i see her ? NO .Does she contact me ? NO . She knows i am here on my own and rarely see anyone. I usually txt her once a week , general chit-chat, it takes her two days to reply!!!. Then whatever i have written about is often ignored. This week she is on holiday , so i suggested we do something while she is off. As usual i sent her a txt to see what day she fancied doing something..anything! To which she replied i will txt you tommorrow ..i am still waiting ! I only hope she doesnt need a friend one day, because i sure aint going to go running.

[goofynina]

Has she always been like this or only since you have been sick?  I have noticed alot of my "friends" have lost contact since i cant do the things i used to do, i dont know if it is cuz they dont know how to handle my illness or they just dont wanna bother with it,  I think if it bothers you that much and she truly is your "best friend" then you should tell her how you feel and get it all out in the open.  I finally asked a "good friend" of mine what the hell did i ever do to her for her to start ignoring me and treating me bad, i was pissed, how could SHE do this to ME, feeling sorry for myself and her answer was,  I have lost my brother, my father, my favorite aunt, and i dont think i could handle losing anyone else, so i thought i would distant myself from you so if and when anything happend to you, it wouldnt hurt so bad"  OMG, WTF?  she already had me out for dead,  after being in shock and laughing it off, i felt bad cuz here i was thinking "poor me" and all along, she was grieving my death (or preparing for it)   I just thought that was the saddest thing, but a little 

[LightLizard]

this is one of the unfortunate aspects of having kidney failure. people don't know how to react to it, really, so some of them just disappear from our lives. people are weird.
years ago, i was travelling with my oldest friend. we had grown up together, from the age of 11, 12, and now, as young adults we were exploring the Canadian west together.
we went to a beach on a hot, summer day, and i went into the water to cool off and swim. he, a non-swimmer, stayed on the shore, watching and sunning.
after i came out of the water, he decided he wanted to just wade in to his hips and cool off. i told him to watch out because the lake bed dropped off suddenly and became quite deep. too deep for a non swimmer. well, he got into trouble and almost drowned. i had to go out and drag him into shore, really, he almost drowned us both, in his panic. this was over 30 years ago, and i haven't heard from or seen him since. as the chinese say, 'save a man's life and he'll never forgive you.'

people are weird.

love

~LL~

[KICKSTART]

Hi GN,
          I really wish i could say the same for my best friend! Sadly ..no , shes just selfish. I have had it out with her ..my best friends answer was , well your not the only one with problems you know , i have had it just a bad as you ! So i offered her the chance to talk about her problems , which are basically , shes tired out , like i would never understand (yeah right) I have got it easy not having to get up every day and go to work and getting everything paid for (she means benefits) Her husband has his own business , she owns a horse , horsebox, 2 American cars , a wagon , a van , house. Yet she is always moaning about money , never has any , till the odd time i see her , always in new clothes, shoes,etc,goes out 5 nights aweek , meals ,drinks. I have told her how lonely i get , i am not asking her to be joined at the hip , but if she is going out for a drink an invite would be nice sometime! Her answer to my loneliness was ..well you got the internet or plant some hanging baskets , that will give you something to do !

[LightLizard]

why would you want to be friends with such a selfish person? you deserve much better, Kickstart!

[KICKSTART]

Thanks LL probably due to divorce,re-location she is the only friend i really have now , hence me being used as a doormat. I just dont seem to be in a position to actually go out and meet people. Firstly dialysis x4 daily, secondly , nowhere to go! Tiredness doesnt help , its often easier to stay home, curl up with a book (and my beautifull dogs) or sit here. But i do get lonely!

[LightLizard]

i hear that loud an clear!
my wife is good company, but she's prone to cabin fever and has to get away from me on a regular basis, or i'll end up being dogfood. i don't really have any friends, nearby, too. the old ones vanished when i wasn't of any use to them, it seems. so, i spend a lot of time with my cat, the tv and the cpu.

[meadowlandsnj]

Drives me mad! We have been friends for over 30 yrs , we grew up together and now i only live 5 mins walk from her house! Do i see her ? NO .Does she contact me ? NO . She knows i am here on my own and rarely see anyone. I usually txt her once a week , general chit-chat, it takes her two days to reply!!!. Then whatever i have written about is often ignored. This week she is on holiday , so i suggested we do something while she is off. As usual i sent her a txt to see what day she fancied doing something..anything! To which she replied i will txt you tommorrow ..i am still waiting ! I only hope she doesnt need a friend one day, because i sure aint going to go running.

My "best" friend lives down the street from me.  I never see her anymore, I'm lucky I get a phone call.  I have to say I understand that I can't go out drinking anymore, I can't go out to eat and eat everything I want all odd crazy hours like I used to.  Maybe we just grew apart but it still hurts to lose a friend.  We had some good crazy times though!   

Dpnna

[keefer51]

It's funny when i moved to Nashville i was able to have many friends. I spent a good 13 years there. When i left i kept in touch with them and still do to this day. But when i moved back to Pennsylvania all my friends here either died or moved away. Before i got sick i went to a few hangouts [pubs] but couldn't find a soul. My brothers and sisters hung with me till i got sick. Now they keep their distance. Don't want to catch what i have!?! I have been to many family outings and party's and they talk about things they have planed or have done together. It hurts because i am by my self. But when i am feeling down i just go on this site and see my other family.

[paris]

My best friend and I have done everything together for the past 18 years; vacations, raising our children, etc.  Now she is extremely busy at work and is always soooo tired. Too exhausted and she just can't begin to explain how tired she is. She is preaching to the choir!!!  I certainly do understand about "tired"!  I am lucky if I see her once a month now.  I know that I must not be as much fun now. I can't spend hours shopping or just walking around.  I never expected to lose friends after being diagnosed - but they keep dropping out of my life.  Good thing there are friends here!!!!

[st789]

Our friends or colleague for sure treat us differently one they know we are on dialysis or transplant.  WTF.....wrong with them

[LightLizard]

i think that people, old friends, become uncomfortable with the change we go through on dialysis.
we don't have nearly the same energy level as we used to and that must seem as though we've become someone else, in a way.
also, i think that people, especially close friends, have a hard time facing up to the fact that we are sick because it reminds them that we are all going to die, one day, and people that have not been forced to face this fact can't face us because they can't accept the reality of their own, impending death.
real friends are very rare.

[kitkatz]

I know I have little patience for normal people complaining at me because they are tired.  Well get some damn sleep!  I hate others not being understanding of my illness and pushing at me. Work is starting in on me at the end of the year.  Watch your butts this is going to be interesting.  I have no patience with adults whatsoever when the BSometer goes off I usually go off.  I also resent the fact that I was told by the school district's lawyer that even if I was working a four day work week I still was to fulfill all of my responsibilities. Like I have not been?  Geez!

[RichardMEL]

KS honey this is very sad to read.. this "friend" doesn't seem like much of a friend. Clearly self centred and insensitive to regale you with her money woes when it seems like she can afford a fairly lavish lifestyle (no doubt on the back of her hubby's hard work). It's these sorts of people I kind of hope fall flat on their face at some point and the reality if life REALLY hits them. Some people struggle to keep warm in winter and eat and so on and she's worrying that maybe her horse's blanket might be a bit old or the price of Johnny Walker Blue has gone up? Puhlease...

You might be lonely but someone who doesn't even answer your messages promptly is clearly not really a friend.

The sooner you move the better, I reckon!

*hugs*

[KICKSTART]

Thanks everyone , i see some of you also have come across this. Sometimes i really dont think its because we are ill they stay away . its because we have become of no use to them ! I dont sit and go on about my illness , i will answer questions , but am very rarely asked, not i think because of embarrasment, just general disinterest! I can honestly say for the few times i have seen her , since i lived nearby, that when i move it wont make any difference , maybe thats the time to let it go ?

[MiSSis]

I have a "best friend" Vickie that I've known since we were juniors in high school so for me that's over 35 years.  In fact, this year is our 35th high school reunion.  I don't intend to go.  I went to my 10th year reunion (I'd had my first transplant in May '80 and this was July '82) and considering what I'd been through, I thought I was doing pretty good.  Back then cyclosporine wasn't available yet so rejection was treated mostly with steroids and I had the typical "chipmunk cheeks", etc.  One girl (I can't call her a friend) whom I hadn't seen since graduation came up to me and in a shocked voice said "Oh my God, what happened to you!)  Vick , who was with me at the time, said she could have slugged the other girl.  I was too embarrassed to say anything.  From that point on, I figured I didn't need people like that in my life.  If someone was so distant that they didn't know what I'd been going through, I didn't need them in my life just to make me feel bad.  I have gone back to a couple of other reunions but decided after the last one that I'm done with them.  I have no contact with any of those people with the exception of my friend Vickie. 

Things are different now in our lives and we don't have nearly the contact as we used to.  I don't work and she still works full time as a surgical nurse.  I don't have children and she has three kids and 3 grandkids.  Her little free time is spent with her husband, kids and grandkids.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself that we'd lost contact but I admit that I was waiting for her to contact me.  When we do talk or e-mail we always mention getting together but never quite seem able to make it happen.  Unfortunately her best times are in the evening and I do better meeting for lunch or earlier in the day.  She mentioned in her latest e-mail that she's hoping to go part-time in the next 6 months or so, so maybe we'll have better opportunities then that will work for both of us. 

In the meantime, I'm just going to try and stay in touch as much as possible.  Having and making friends while on dialysis is hard enough that I don't want to lose touch with someone who's meant a lot to me over the years.

[RichardMEL]

I don't talk about my illness much.. or I try not to anyway - after all I am sure it is boring for others to hear me whine about how I so want to drink (and they think I mean beer or something when ice water would suit me fine ) and going on about dialysis sessions, nurses, needles, lab results blah blah blah... If I do talk about it I try to do so in the context of a fun story (eg: at the unit today it was so funny when....) and not go on about it.

I think a lot of people don't like to be confronted by such things. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality or something. That's why you'll NEVER see a sick person on something like Big Brother (I would consider it a massive breakthrough if they got someone wheelchair bound into some reality show like that).

Out of sight.. out of mind.

Now if people ask I'm happy to answer but I really try to not go on about it. It's a fine line between being open and honest about stuff, and going on and drawing attention to yourself as some kind of charity case ("oh woe is me!") or something.

The point of this ramble is that there are a few real friends I know that I can talk to about where I'm at with things and how I feel.

Then there are the other "friends" who really don't want to know, don't ask and maybe don't even care.

You can quickly spot the difference.

[MiSSis]

The best advice I ever received was from my father.  My first husband bailed out when my kidney failure kicked in.  After that my dad became the one who was there for me.  Following my first transplant in 1980 until I remarried in 1992, he accompanied me to every appointment I had with the doctors in Iowa City.  This is about 1 1/2 hrs from my home so we had plenty of time to talk on these trips.  Actually I mostly listened!  Anyway ... he once told me that I shouldn't walk around with my chin dragging on the ground.  That I should choose those few people who really cared about me to talk to but if anyone else asked how I was doing to just respond "Fine".  He said I'd know who really wanted to know how I was doing and everyone else were just asking a rhetorical question and didn't really want an answer.  People have often commented on my "positive attitude" when I guess it's just more of keeping things to myself.  Like RichardMel said, to continually talk about my problems would only put a damper the party.  That's just another reason to love IHD.  I can say or talk about my problems here and everyone will understand.

[Lucinda]

My Mum was my best friend and she died a few years back.  Then one of my dearest friends, died after stopping his hemo.  I'd never had a friend quite like him in my life.  He was very high profile here in Australia but he still found five minutes to ring me each day and check on me.  He was always there for me and understood everything I was going through and visa versa.  Now I try really hard to stay in contact with my friends but I have been really sick the past six months and haven't been able to keep up socially as well as work.  My firends are very dependant on me for support so I rarely talk about my problems.  It makes me feel better to be able to help them.  Last time I was in hospital none of my friends bar my ex-boyfriend of seven years came to see me.  Most of them find hospitals exhausting and depressing and I understand that.  My ex is terrific - he is the one who has offered me a kidney - he is always there for me.  He never forgot my mother asking him to look after me when she was dying and he always has.  Remind me why we broke up??? That's right, he wanted kids.  I have to admit to being less available for my friends because of my work and I go to bed so early but this thread has reminded me to keep in touch.  xxxxxx 

[Ohio Buckeye]

I have been very blessed to have a best friend my whole life.
I cannot remember not knowing her.  We were neighbors as
toddlers and are still neighbors today living down the street from
each other.  Life has taken us to hospitals, funerals, vacations, fun things, etc.
She is always there for me.  Our lives sort of parallel as we both have
2 sons, 1 grandson.  Her and her husband let me stay with them when
I came out of the hospital recently.  True friends.  I am fortunate I have
many church friends who call and stop by and are helping me get to appts.
etc.  But it still gets lonely nursing my foot all the time here when everyone is
out wokring during the day.  I miss working and being around people at work.