Having to say no...........

[familyfirst]

Hi all,

Hoping everyone is as well as can be..........

My partner (HD patient) is having an op on his hip (due to avascular necrosis caused by steroids after previous transplant) Doctor has said about 2 weeks recovery off work and 6 weeks no driving, only problem is my partner work 40+ minutes from home. At first it was just kind of assumed by everyone that I would drive him and collect him everyday (and maybe I should) but I have said no. The thing is my whole maternity leave so far has been a series of hospital appointments and stays for him and while I know he didn't choose this I would just like some time to take our baby to groups and days out without looking at the clock (plus I hate driving to be honest)

My OH gets it and sys he will speak to work about transport or his family, I still cant help feeling guilty!! I have to stand by this, as our daughter needs some normality........but doesn't ease the guilt

[MooseMom]

familyfirst, you've written about your feelings of guilt before, and I am afraid that these feelings are going to follow you around for a good long while.  If you spend your time taking your partner to various appointments and looking after him after he recovers from surgery, not to mention driving him around for 6 weeks, then this means you will have no time to spend with your baby.  You will feel guilty for this.

If you spend the time you want with your baby, then you will feel guilty for not looking after your partner.

You need help.

You made quick mention of his family.  Are they close enough to be of real, practical help?  If they are yet choose not to help, make them feel guilty.  They are his family, after all.

I'm sorry your feeling of guilt are still dogging you.  Perhaps you need some professional help with this because the situation is not going to improve any time soon.  Do YOU have any family close by?

[familyfirst]

familyfirst, you've written about your feelings of guilt before, and I am afraid that these feelings are going to follow you around for a good long while.  If you spend your time taking your partner to various appointments and looking after him after he recovers from surgery, not to mention driving him around for 6 weeks, then this means you will have no time to spend with your baby.  You will feel guilty for this.

If you spend the time you want with your baby, then you will feel guilty for not looking after your partner.

You need help.

You made quick mention of his family.  Are they close enough to be of real, practical help?  If they are yet choose not to help, make them feel guilty.  They are his family, after all.

I'm sorry your feeling of guilt are still dogging you.  Perhaps you need some professional help with this because the situation is not going to improve any time soon.  Do YOU have any family close by?

Hi,
Thank you for your reply, the feelings are going to be there but I know I have to be strong, I have wrote several times of my feelings forgetting the most important....I love my partner with all my heart and I know things will improve I just feel like things are finally hitting me now.
We do have his family close by and we need to chat with them because Im not sure they realise how hard thing have been for us both!

my family are only about 30 minutes away but at times it feels even longer

I know things will improve with time

[Michael Murphy]

First off it's not 40+ minutes its 160+ minutes there and back morning and evening.  Dose any one your husband work with live close.  If you can find some one who lives close your partner can bum a ride for four weeks. If not check to see if any one commutes to a nearby business and can provide a ride check with family and your church.  Some companies will provide transport  to avoid paying disability.  If your partner has disability insurance they may provide  transportation help.  You are not talking about a few minutes a day you are talking about hours a day driving in rush hour traffic with a newborn.  While your partner is important so is your child, and so are you.  You can't, be a mother a wife and a limo driver all at the same time. 

[Simon Dog]

My partner (HD patient) is having an op on his hip (due to avascular necrosis caused by steroids after previous transplant)

I had a hip transplant due to AVN caused by the same reason, though I had prednisone prescribed for a different reason (no renal xplant yet).   My doc said "right leg, 4 weeks ... left leg, 2 weeks", but then he used the anterior approach.   I was home for one week after discharge, then was driven to work (much closer than your situation) by my wife for 3 weeks.   I leaned on friends for rides to HD as I was exiled from home hemo back to the center until my HGB (6.2 at discharged) recovered a bit.

If he has a cooperative doc, he should be able to get disability certified for more than 2 weeks.

[Charlie B53]

Classic guilt trip.  "damned if you do, and Damned if you don't."

Sometimes medical insurance will assist in transportation to and from Dr and Hospital appts.  You will have to check with your insurance provider and ask.

Here in Missouri there is O..A.T.S. a nonprofit transportation company specifically for Dr and Med appts.  I don't know where you are so you will have to check with your local Social Services and ask if any such programs exist.

Phone calls are cheap, make them and learn what may be available.  Sometimes the appt times may need a bit of tweaking to allow for transportation.

Hopefully you will find assistance and this may also help reduce the guilt you may have.

Good hunting!  Take Care,

Charlie B

[Simon Dog]

Cab?

[familyfirst]

Hi,

My partner has no passed his 6 weeks no driving and is back on the road

Im in the UK, we have patient transport for dialysis but he's back to driving himself there and he much prefers it

[Michael Murphy]

I am sure that the only one more relived that you is your husband.  Glad to hear he is up and about.