Update on my sister

[tigtink]

It has now been two weeks since I found out my sister was a potential match and pulled out of the process without calling to tell me the results.  I have called her twice now at our regular weekly time, and although we are as close to back where we were before this happened as is probably possible at this point, it is clear that the subject is closed.  She told my other sister that she felt really bad about the way she handled it, but in three hours of phone conversations she never once expressed those sentiments to me.  I have moved on.  The emotional upheaval I worked through with the help of my support system seems to have freed up some much-needed energy and focus within me.  I am working on cleaning up my house and ridding myself of accumulated stuff, mainly paperwork and old files, so I can get things in better shape.  My friend who has her own professional cleaning business has offered to come spend a couple of days with me after I clear things out a bit.  I'm hoping if I get things good and clean it will be easier to keep it that way over time.

My preacher brother-in-law intercepted today's phone call (something he used to do all the time but hasn't in a while) to let me know that based on his experience with the transplant he was involved with years ago, I should not be in a hurry to get a transplant until things get "really bad" because of the risk of rejection.  I thanked him politely for his input but let him know I strongly disagreed.  I told him I will probably never be healthier than I am right now and better able to handle the transplant surgery.  I also pointed out that even though I probably have quite a bit of time left before I have to face dialysis, at my current percentage function I am still only a bad case of the flu or other medical complication away from dialysis, and the wait in Michigan is 6 to 7 years.  He listened, then handed the phone over to my sister.

So be it.  I am not about to let this slow me down

[Deanne]

You're doing great! I cleared out a lot of stuff a few years ago, too. It does make a big difference in being able to keep things up. I pulled everything out of my linen closet and put wicker baskets on each shelf - a basket for sheets, a basket for bath towels, etc. Anything that didn't fit into a basket went to Goodwill. I went through my bookcase and did the same. I ended up getting rid of several boxes of books. I don't miss anything I got rid of and I love how much easier it is to keep everything clean.

Great job on your sibling relationships, too. I can't believe your brother-in-law said that to you. They're both clueless, aren't they?

[MooseMom]

I agree with Deanne.  There's nothing like clearing out your living space to help you clear out your mind.  One's home and one's mind can so easily become cluttered with a lot of old rubbish.

Your preacher brother-in-law is wrong.  His experience with being a living donor gives him no special insight into when it is a good time to get a transplant.  I have never read any medical literature that explores the correlation between letting things get "really bad" and the risk of rejection.  What does he mean by "really bad", anyway?

Your sister has to deal with her demons on her own.  She feels guilty, so she is hoping that speaking to your other sister will somehow absolve her.  She cannot speak to you without risking further humiliation and guilt; she lacks the personal courage to speak to you directly.  It is good that you are moving on because what else can you do that would not cause yourself more harm? 

Do you think she would have passed all of the tests if she had chosen to proceed?  I know I'm asking you to merely speculate, but what does your gut tell you?

 

[SooMK]

Those big clean ups are so freeing! We moved a year ago and I really liked living in the old house when we had all the personal stuff in boxes--those empty kitchen counters gave me such a great feeling. I do believe that there's a few things I am buying for about the 4th time though. It's hard to ignore things that families say or do. But you seem like you are handling this very well. By not allowing this to escalate you are saving yourself the extra stress that you don't need right now.

[jeannea]

You are welcome to visit me for a few weeks if you're good at cleaning out closets. 

The whole debate about being sick enough for a transplant is tough. It's hard to know where that line is. That's why we leave it up to DOCTORS not pastors. You are handling this very well. I'd be saying how this is none of his business to decide. He "intercepted" the call to comment? Are you a child? No. Cynic that I am, he probably had something to do with your sister dropping out. Unbelievable. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I admire your emotional equanimity. You're a very forgiving person.

[tigtink]

This cleaning really has been a good thing for me.  Mostly because I work from home as accountant, my biggest problem is paperwork.  I spent two days throwing bags of stuff away, shredding the paperwork left over from this year's tax season, and reorganizing my work area.  Then I began vacuuming and steam cleaning the rugs.  Later this week I am having some young friends of mine come over and help me box up old files from the office upstairs so I can take them to be shredded.  I even learned how to remove the hard drives from a couple of old computers so I can recycle the computers and get the hard drives destroyed.  It feels like healthy purging.

MM, I suspect two things about my sister as a potential donor: First, she most likely is a pretty good match according the to initial typing because she won't tell me the details of the results.  Second, although at her age there are many things that could ultimately rule her out as a donor, I believe she would have done very well with the testing process. She is by far the healthiest and most physically fit of all four of us sisters despite being the oldest.  She has already had most of the usual screening tests and knows of no other major problems except arthritis.  There is no history of major medical problems in her past.  She has never had any major surgeries.  Even the transplant coordinator pulled up her medical records and said there was no reason at all she should not get tested as a donor.  So I will never know for sure.  Clearly, she is not fit emotionally to donate and that is all I need to know.

I am sure that my brother-in-law is a huge part of this.  That was very clear when he stepped in to answer the phone yesterday even though he knew full well I was calling and my sister was right near the phone.  My sister will have to deal with her own feelings.  I am learning to share with people who are open enough return the sharing and let go of the ones who cannot respond in kind.  As SooMK pointed out, escalating the situation would have added stress I do not need to deal with right now. There are many battles to fight and I want to save my energy for the ones that really count.