I probably hurt my mom's feelings

[Deanne]

I'm feeling kind of sorry about it. I don't like hurting anyone, but I can't say I'm really sorry, either. I'm visiting my family in Minnesota. Every.Single.Time I visit, my mom rounds up her siblings, nieces, nephews, god-only-knows-who-all and demands a get-together. I've repeatedly asked, demanded, pleaded for her to NOT do this. I moved away from MN in part so I don't have to endure these torturous events anymore. I DETEST them. I don't know these people. They're nothing to me.

This time I'm here to see my terminally ill brother. When I told Mom I'd be coming out, the first thing she said was that she needed to figure out what to do about her relatives. Again, I demanded NOT to see them. No. No. No!!!!!!! She finally seemed to get it. She said, "you really don't like that?" Like I haven't been telling her that for at least 40 years (I'm 50). I thought at last she was listening to me. What a relief!

The next week, a couple weeks before my visit, she asked what I'd think about attending a performance up at another northern MN town that she said they went to in the past. I asked outright if this was her way to get me in the vicinity of her relatives (also in northern MN). She swore not. My sister said she'd come along and said we were going to spend the night in a nearby touristy town and make a real mini-vacation of it. Sounds better & better, right? Two days before my trip, I talked to Mom. She said as long as we would be an hour or so away from her relatives, we might as well detour to go see them. So my first instinct that this performance was all a ruse to get me over to a torturous relative visit was true. P*ssed off to no end. I refused. Then she said she was still working on the southern MN relatives. I refused. She told me they'd be very disappointed. I told her that since she keeps talking about how they'll likely die soon, they won't be disappointed for long.

I flew in yesterday. My sister picked me up at the airport, and we met at a restaurant and my parents picked me up there this morning. Within 5 minutes of sitting down at the restaurant, Mom said a BBQ is planned with the southern MN relatives. I blew a gasket. I asked why her relatives are of a higher priority that she'd throw her daughter (me) under the bus and make me miserable. She said she was stuck in the middle because they know I'm coming and insist. I disagree. The only way any of these people (strangers to me) would know I was in the state is if she told them. She's the gateway of all family communication. None of my siblings talk to these relatives on their own. We only see them/talk to them when Mom makes us/manipulates us into cr*p like this. She's the one making or agreeing to these plans. She's the only reason they know I'm even here. I don't know if they really care that I'm here. She knows how to say "no."

I finally told her that fine, she can plan whatever she wants, but she needs to know I am not coming back to Minnesota again until her relatives have all died. I feel kind of bad about that, but I'm so done with being manipulated and lied to over and over. I thought she'd give me the cold shoulder for the rest of the day after that. She doesn't do well with anger and usually stops talking to the "offending" person, but she's been acting pretty normally, so I don't know what's really going on. I'm hanging out in the basement now and she hasn't come down. I'm not sure if that's because she's trying to stay away from me or if she's just watching TV. There's no internet connection anywhere but in the basement and I'm really trying to get some work done. The timing is probably good.

[Poppylicious]

Is there any way you can visit without telling your mum till the last minute?  Let one or two trusted people know (your sister?) only and then mum can't make plans.  It seems a shame to not go at all just because you don't want to spend time with these people, and wouldn't be fair on the other people who would like you to visit (your brother and his family, perhaps).

I suppose some people just think that family is more important than anything else and they have it in their heads that people will be upset about things, even if they probably won't.  Blokey's brother got married at the weekend and my MiL was the cause of his and his fiancees first (and so far only) major argument which occured in the run up to the Big Day; my MiL insisted that they invite all the 'oldies' - family members (mostly my late FiLs aunts/uncles) who neither Blokey nor his brother have seen more than two or three times since they were tiny tots because they might feel put-out if they weren't invited.  Ridiculous.  Even she doesn't see these people and hasn't since 2007 ...!

Hope it all works out for you. 

*huggles*

[Sugarlump]

Families are funny things.
I had four children because i wanted a big happy family (well I really wanted six but my kidneys conked out on number four and that was that) but my ideal of a big happy Waltons style family is not very realistic!!! Especially as my children, now grown up have scattered to the four winds for uni/work and relationships. France, High Wycombe UK, Oxford UK and about 5 miles down the road from me in Suffolk! But to me it  is still important to try and get them all together at Christmas and other occasions. To be the glue that holds them together. That's no mean feat either.
But I now find keeping my two sisters, their families and other assorted cousins and aunts impossible to keep track of. Something has to give...
You can never please everyone so you have to concentrate on what you want in the end. 

[Deanne]

I'm over being sad about hurting her feelings and back to p*ssed off. My younger sister joined my parents and me in a drive up to a performance in northern MN today. When we stopped for lunch, I overheard Mom telling my sister that the BBQ is on Sunday and Mom *asked* if my sister can attend. Then she *asked* my sister about possibly stopping to visit the relatives on the way back to my parents' house tomorrow. So I'm *ordered* to do these things, but if my sister (mom's favorite kid) says "no" it's ok? It was a very short trip for me back to full-on anger. I've been getting the silent treatment since telling Mom off yesterday. I'm glad of it because I want nothing to do with her now.

It isn't about the relatives as much as it's about the manipulation, lies, and feeling like my preferences can be disregarded/that I'm a puppet that she can do with as she pleases. I remember talking to her before about her manipulative tactics. She said manipulation is sometimes necessary to make people do what you want them to do, so I have to accept that this is part of who she is. She's 80 years old. She isn't going to change. I can't do anything about it, except to stay away from situations that provide her such opportunities.

[okarol]

How is your brother?

[Deanne]

I saw him for a little while on Tuesday. I thought he was slurring his words and he wasn't really moving much. I guess he stays in a recliner pretty much 24 x 7. They met with hospice today. I don't know the outcome of the meeting. I'll likely see him again on Saturday or Sunday. I go home Tuesday and I'm counting the days!

[paris]

I don't enjoy big family (ie-relatives I see only once in awhile) gatherings.    I haven't seen my husbands family in almost a year. They live several states away. I finally got the courage to make a trip there because I really wanted to see my brother and just visit him. As soon as my in-laws heard I was coming -- you guessed it!!---- they started planning a huge bbq.  How can I visit anyone when there are 60 people there?   I couldn't wait for it to be over.   It was overwhelming, extremely emotional and I just wanted to scream at all of them.   No, I am not very social right now!!

I feel your pain.  Those extra people really don't care if we visit.  Their life won't end if you don't visit them.   I'm sorry this has made your trip miserable. 

There is no place like home!   

[MooseMom]

She said manipulation is sometimes necessary to make people do what you want them to do, so I have to accept that this is part of who she is. She's 80 years old. She isn't going to change. I can't do anything about it, except to stay away from situations that provide her such opportunities.

This pretty much says it all. 

Just 4 days to go!  I'm counting the days, too!

[Riki]

Both my mom and my dad's families are pretty close knit, so I don't mind visiting with them, but only if it's just MY aunts, uncles, and cousins.  When it gets into a larger gathering with my parent's aunts, uncles, cousins, and their children and grandchildren, I'd rather not go.  Because of my illness, they all know who I am, but I've no clue who they are.  It's kind of unnerving to have someone come up to you and say, "hey.  I'm (insert name here)'s daughter.  How are you feeling these days?  You need a liver, right?"   

[Deanne]

I had the same disconcerting thing happen. I ended up spending every day but two in the car while I was there, and at one of these gathering a cousin came up to me and asked what the story is with having TB.

Oh well, I'm home now. It was the worst visit ever, but I survived. My sister(s) will help me plan a visit back if I want to go again in the future without my parents (mom) knowing I'm coming, so she doesn't have time to do this to me again. She's a good person overall. I think what she does must be some sort of obsessive/compusive disorder. I watch Hoarders and it just feels similar, except that instead of hoarding (their house is spotless), she has an obsession about her relatives.