WARNING: major rant ahead

[cattlekid]

 


WARNING: major rant ahead

So as I was dragging the 10 bags of trash/recyclables out to the curb this morning, I got to thinking. 

I am married to what I believe to be a normal, rational, functional human.  However, this functionality does not seem to extend to the littlest of household chores. 

I am the patient – doing my treatments at home.  So here’s just a snippet of a regular day for me:

1.    Get up, help DH find socks and underwear (he does not fold clothes, he seems to think that the laundry fairy does). Let dog out and fill up food/water bowls.
2.    Drive to work, work an eight hour shift.  Field at least one phone call about what’s for dinner.
3.   Get home, make dinner while simultaneously setting up dialysis machine.
4.   Clean up kitchen, finish set up, hook myself up to machine.
5.   Listen to DH complain at least 3-4 times about “how much time do you have left?”
6.   DH pulls my needles. I hold my sites, take final BP/temp and break down/clean up machine.
7.   Go to bed. Listen to DH complain about my restless leg bothering him.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Weekends are somewhat the same as I have the laundry, cleaning, shopping and bill paying to do along with at least one or two dialysis sessions depending on the week.  DH just bops along on his own schedule.

Am I in the wrong to think that in this situation that DH should be stepping up at least a tiny little bit?  I would like to just stop doing everything but work and dialysis but we’d be living in a hovel in a week or two. 

I lay all of this blame squarely on DH’s parents, who never required him to lift one finger in the house.  I get that he was born with a birth defect but otherwise, he’s just as capable as anyone else. 

I shudder to think what will happen when I am recuperating from a transplant.  I just hope the dog lives through it.

[WishIKnew]

Rant on dear friend, rant on! 

And while you're at it, make DH a mandatory to-do list!  LOL  I laugh because I know how far that would get me in my house, no where!  But we can dream!

 

[cattlekid]

Yeah, I tried that when DH was out of work for a year.  I figured that if he wasn't working, he could at least keep up with the housework.

That went over like a lead balloon.

Rant on dear friend, rant on! 

And while you're at it, make DH a mandatory to-do list!  LOL  I laugh because I know how far that would get me in my house, no where!  But we can dream!

 

[lainiepop]

Aww that doesn't sound fair u must be shattered! Rant away! I'm not on dialysis but am 'living' or a gfr of 10 have been for the last month, I don't work but am Fulltime mum to a lively 4 yr old boy & 10 month old daughter. I do everything around the house but hubby does Cook & take the rubbish out! He's a teacher so gets in around 4pm but I rarely sit down before then what with preschool & groups we're busy busy. plus my son has 2 & half days at home still he starts school full time september. I'm having a transplant in I2 days from my dad so we'll be staying with my parents, hibby has 2 weeks off then is back to work so will be back in our house during the week & drive down on weekend, i'm dreading what state my house will be in when I get back !

Can you have word with him bout how much you do on diayisis? surely he must understand you're gonna need some help? x

[cattlekid]

I've tried asking, I've tried telling.  I've tried leaving lists of things to do.  Nothing seems to help get it through his massively thick cranium.

Can you have word with him bout how much you do on diayisis? surely he must understand you're gonna need some help? x

[Brightsky69]

I feel for you. I remember when I was on dialysis it took all I had just to get up for work. I was ready to throw in the towel......I can't imagine keeping up with all the housework on top of it. Whew!
The only thing I can suggest is if your restless legs bother him then he can go sleep on the couch.        Let the dog have his side of the bed. 

[lainiepop]

Sorry he doesn't seem to get it! oh I meant to say in last post have had gfr of 10 for 10 mths not just 1 Lol!

 men are funny I was ill in bed for a few days a couple weeks back I could hear Andrew asking him for breakfast & elena screaming In highchair, I hear hubby say you'll have to wait daddy,s trying to do everything now! What does he think I deal with all day? then it took him 2 days to do half a pile of ironing I got up to do it in end cause he didn't seem to realise with 2 small Kids washing was gonna need to be done again & ironing would get more. when I was better I had to blitz clean the whole house.

[MooseMom]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I've been talking about "laundry fairies" for YEARS, along with the kitchen fairies and the gardening fairies, all of which seem to avoid my house as I do all of these chores.  It's really funny to hear someone else talk about this particular fairy population.  hahahahahahaha!

I think I would have spontaneously combusted by now if I were in your position, cattlekid.  I can't imagine working a full day, doing all of the household chores PLUS dialysis while having a husband who has much more spare time than I do.  If I had any spare medals and trophies, you'd get them all.

I can't complain quite as loudly as you can (although I do ); my husband works hard all day in that he puts in a lot of hours, but mostly he sits on his butt all day and pontificates, being a lawyer, so it's not like he is doing a lot of backbreaking work.  I'm the one that maintains the garden and the house, and while it's true that I can do these things on my own time, the worse my renal functiong gets, the harder it is physically.

I really don't know how one goes about making such fundamental changes to another human being after all these years.  I don't think it is in the least bit unreasonable to expect him to pitch in.  I don't know what you should do short of making a federal case out of it.  But given your list, Hmmmm....I think maybe I'd do the following...

1.  Don't fold his socks and underwear.  Buy a good-looking lined basket with a lid, and sling all of his smalls in there after they've been laundered.  He'll know where everything is, and you've saved time folding and then searching.  I have found that attractive baskets hide a multitude of sins.

2, 3, and 4.  No idea.  I think it is safe to assume that DH will not be coming to the rescue, so the trick is to imagine him not even being in existence and then trying to find ways of making life easier for yourself.

5.  Get him his own personal timer, perhaps, preferable one he can wear around his neck so that all he has to do is look down at it when he wants to know how much time you have left.

Oh, and do you really need the dog?  Pets are lovely, but there are never any pet fairies around when you need them.  Pets are also a time suck.

BTW, that was a great rant!  Well done!

[Gerald Lively]

No work, no nookie!  It's as easy as that.

[smcd23]

Can you come tell my wonderful, significant other all of the things you do on dialysis? I have the same problem, but he's the sick one, so he uses that as an excuse. I think it's a man thing first, and then an upbringing thing second. My SO thinks clean clothes go in the laundry basket, unfolded, and the dirty ones just go on the floor. And household chores like dishes etc forget it - they can pile in the sink until the sink can't hold them anymore. He grew up with his dad, and his dad keeps laundry the same way (like father, like son much?). I have been trying for years to get SO to do more around the house while he is home, even small things. And it's been an uphill battle. I have no real advise or a quick fix, but what we did that worked somewhat is get a dry erase board, and on it write down what needs to get done each day - laundry, dishes, shopping etc. And tell him that he has to do at least one of the things during the day - no time limit, no direct order, just please do one of these things. And I also praise him and thank him when he does something on the list. At first he did nothing, but now he does usually do 1 or 2 things. And I've made him responsible for his own stuff - his own laundry, his own dialysis etc.

But I also agree with Gerald. That used to work around here until SO decided he didn't want it anymore

[paris]

I wonder how many of us could post the same rant?  Thanks for speaking for many of us!   I am the kidney patient, but I do everything.  I never was one to wait for someone to do it, so I put myself in this spot.  When I do ask for a chore to be done, I would like it done in a timely manner --- not days later.   Now he is having some health issues, and I do even more!  Yesterday, I started building steps on the front porch, because he was having a hard time with the orginal steps.  How much does a 2x12x10ft board weigh?  More than I wanted to move, but who else is going to do it?   But, the steps are coming along nicely.       Now I need to build a handrail.  I don't think his mother did stuff like this in her 60's!   I did ask since he couldn't do anything physical, it would help if he kept up with the dishes.  The sink is full  -- do I do them because I want a clean kitchen or let them sit?   

I'm 20 months post transplant, and I am sure that I shouldn't be doing some of this.  But, I am stubborn. 

Cattlekid,  No answers but lots of sympathy!   Thanks for letting me jump in on your rant!   

[Gerald Lively]

Paris said, " I am the kidney patient, but I do everything."

That is amazing.  It really is. During dialysis I couldn't make my own coffee.  Of course I had other problems like cancer and I still can barely get around, but I have to admire those who get up and perform against all inclinations to rest.

You really do deserve an applause.

gerald

[kitkatz]

Stop doing stuff to make life easier for him.   Stop doing his laundry and the dishes and cooking meals. Force the issue with him.  Or else hire help.

[Jean]

Thank you for this rant!!!! I am the kidney patient, not on dialysis, but also 73 years old and getting very tired. I was convinced my husband no longer loved me, as he simply does nothing all day long. Oh, he says he is busily at work, but is really only reading his e-mail. Our home is gradually falling in to disrepair and gets dirtier all the time and I wonder how far it will go, before I ever get any energy.Our golf cart has not been cleaned in 2 years, because you really cant put them in the car wash. Anyways, I just thought I was the only person in the world going thru this. So, I appreciate your rant.

[cattlekid]

I'd get rid of DH before I get rid of the dog.  While the dog talks back just as much as DH, at least I can buy the dog off with an occasional treat.     Just kidding, but I've had dogs longer than I've been married.  The only time in the last 16 years I have been without a dog is when our first dog passed on and I was recuperating from knee surgery before we got our new puppy (who is no longer a pup, but still cute as heck!)

Oh, and do you really need the dog?  Pets are lovely, but there are never any pet fairies around when you need them.  Pets are also a time suck.

BTW, that was a great rant!  Well done!

[cattlekid]

Tried that.  Then I get the pouts and accusations of womanly manipulations. 

No work, no nookie!  It's as easy as that.

[cattlekid]

Paris, I'm with you.  When something needs to be done, it needs to be done at that moment, not at some unspecified time days or weeks later.

You know, what I have found to be motivating for him is when one of his family is planning to stop by.  At least then, he puts a little effort in to straightening up.  I can't seem to get him to understand that a little work each day is easier than massive cleanups once in a blue moon. 

I wonder how many of us could post the same rant?  Thanks for speaking for many of us!   I am the kidney patient, but I do everything.  I never was one to wait for someone to do it, so I put myself in this spot.  When I do ask for a chore to be done, I would like it done in a timely manner --- not days later.   Now he is having some health issues, and I do even more!  Yesterday, I started building steps on the front porch, because he was having a hard time with the orginal steps.  How much does a 2x12x10ft board weigh?  More than I wanted to move, but who else is going to do it?   But, the steps are coming along nicely.       Now I need to build a handrail.  I don't think his mother did stuff like this in her 60's!   I did ask since he couldn't do anything physical, it would help if he kept up with the dishes.  The sink is full  -- do I do them because I want a clean kitchen or let them sit?   

I'm 20 months post transplant, and I am sure that I shouldn't be doing some of this.  But, I am stubborn. 

Cattlekid,  No answers but lots of sympathy!   Thanks for letting me jump in on your rant!   

[cattlekid]

Oh kit, I wish it was that easy. Dishes and meals and laundry have to be done regardless of whether he is here or not.  I just have to get over the mindset that as a partner in this house, he should be taking some responsibility for keeping it up.  If I was living alone, it would have to be done regardless.   

We finally did hire out getting the lawn mowed.  $20 a week to the neighbor kid is a win-win situation all around.  That's about all of the help the budget will allow right now.  But I am getting a promotion/raise starting 6/16 so once we get the budget redone, I may try to find some money for some other assistance.  I just wish the cleaning services would lower their prices a bit - $100 every other week is the going rate around here and that's just way out of my price range right now.

Stop doing stuff to make life easier for him.   Stop doing his laundry and the dishes and cooking meals. Force the issue with him.  Or else hire help.

[KarenInWA]

So here's something you could work in the budget - paper plates and plastic utensils. Take it out of whatever he likes. Does he have a smart phone with a data plan? Guess that data plan goes! Extra cable channels on the tv? Not needed! Eat lunch out while at work? Time to paper bag it, boy! As for laundry, just do your own. Yes, if you lived alone, you'd still be doing chores, but the difference there is you would only be cleaning up after yourself! So, just do what you dirty - your laundry, etc. I say get paper plates, because if you just do your dishes, then he will eventually use all the dishes up in a few days, and then they'd all be dirty anyway.

I'm sorry, but reading your story just ticks me off. I know I will never be married, especially if I keep my sights on men in my area, because the men here in WA do not like me.  I'm not even looking. I have lost so much patience with so-called "men" out there, that I don't even want one (except for one who lives far, far way...  ). I want what I consider a REAL man, one who is man enough to take care of things around the house when they need to be done, who is man enough to not make me deal with the garbage every freakin' time it needs to be taken out, who will help in the kitchen when asked, who is man enough to get up and DO things instead of sit there and complain that things aren't getting done. Cattlekid, you have the patience of Jobs. There is NO reason why a woman in our shoes should be the one who has to do EVERY freaking thing around the house, in addition to working a FT job AND doing D at home. That is ridiculous!!!!

Sorry for my rant in response, but sometimes, I just can't help myself!

KarenInWA

[WishIKnew]

You all are making me realize how totally spoiled and blessed I am.  Thank you!

[lmunchkin]

None of you want to see our home.  It looks a mess and smells like a Hospital!!  Really!

lmunchkin

[kitkatz]

We live in a happy healthy mess.  Not truly spotless, but not too awful.  Hubby is helping more with chores now.