questions for the boys

[brenda seal]

I am wondering how you boys felt about having to hand over the reins and accept help with jobs you can no longer manage . I am having huge problems getting Laurie to let other people do things for him . Apart from the kidney problems he has many other issues with his health , Laurie has severe rheumatoid arthritis and has two artificial hips and two artificial knees , his ankles are stuffed and so are his shoulders , he has only one eye and has trouble with his balance . ( maybe I should trade him in for a new one )
 Despite all this he has fiercely hung on to his " jobs " - mowing the lawns , looking after the gardens and so forth . Since starting dialysis in February he has had one set back after another  and is really very unwell . He has begrudgingly allowed our son to cut the grass and me to look after his birds for now . There are a lot of things need doing - pruning and aviaries need cleaning out but he will not entertain the idea of anyone else doing it for him , he keeps hoping he will feel better soon . At present he has a massive hernia and will have surgery to repair it 23rd April so it is not likely he will be fit for some time yet . How can I get him to accept he needs help as the mess is driving me crazy ?

[MaryD]

Brenda

Don't trade him in on a new model - he's got a good few miles on him yet.

Could he be persuaded that this "help" is just till he gets back on his feet?  That if he takes a few months off from his chores it will allow his body to get back to a better health?

I don't think it only males that don't want to accept help.  It took me much to long to get help around the house, and now it's imminent I am rather relieved

 

[galvo]

Brenda, he's just being a bloke. We've got to do our own stuff.

[Joe]

Brenda, it has taken me a while to accept that I can't do all of the things as vigorously as I used to be able to. Like a sprinter, I'm good for short spurts, but have lost the long duration stamina I used to have (don't go there... ) My darling wife is really persistent about making me take it easy so I don't overdo. All I can say is be consistent and firm, he'll get there.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Sorry, Im nosey, im not a guy, but I was raised by one, and im more manly than i care to admit. This post actually hits home with me, because its STILL very hard for me to accept help and even harder to ASK for it... It took me nearly dying to come back home and get help...
Its difficult, especially for someone who is used to doing everything on their own. It wont ever be easy, I dont think. I have felt completely useless, worthless, and it makes me depressed. I want so badly to do the simple things, that shouldnt be so hard to do. It really is a bummer.
My advice? Find something that he CAN do, to give him purpose... At least then, maybe he wont feel so down about not doing the things he thinks he should do...
And one think my dad does, if he knows i need help with something, but he also knows id want to do it myself, he just does it before i can.

[looneytunes]

Brenda, hubby was so stubborn about this issue that it finally took me "begging forgiveness" rather than "asking permission".  I tried to do everything for a long time but was wearing myself out.  And then the constant worry about the things I was not physically capable of doing that still needed to be done.  I asked him to allow me to hire things done and he would always say he would get them done as soon as he felt a little better.  After a while, it was a "have to" case and I just made the call, got the job done and asked hubs to understand my need to get the stuff done. 

I will let things go for a while but if he is not able to do it within a short period of time, I'll get it done.  I want him to do what he feels able to do because that is important for his sense of self-worth.  But when it comes to things like plumbing leaks and roof repairs, it HAS to be done NOW.  So, be patient and keep on communicating with him about your need to see things kept up while understanding his need to have his own "normalcy".   

[lmunchkin]

My husband was no problem in this area.  He knew we needed help!

God Bless,
lmunchkin
 

[brenda seal]

Thankyou everyone for your feedback . Just to let you know - my eldest son has spent the entire four day Easter break here at my house working . He has chopped back all the shrubs and trees out the front cleared the driveway and front walk-way to the door - poor delivery guy with the supplies is going to be so happy . ( Ron from Fresenius is a lovely delivery guy who remains cheerful and helpful despite the obstacles ) . Matthew has cleaned the gutters , trimmed the hedges and taken a trailer full to the tip - it cost me $96 in tip fees !!!! Apart from being a little upset that some of the pruning was a little harsh Laurie was OK about it all . We will let him recover for a little while and then start on the back yard .

[billybags]

Brenda my husband is just the same. He gets so frustrated that he can not tackle even small jobs. He will say "I will cut the grass" he can not manage it , I know it will be me cutting it. We are having our bathroom redone and there are tiles that need taking off,  he starts and after 5 minutes I end up doing it, I am knackered. I would not mind but the plumber said he would do this. It is a man thing and I feel so sorry that he is unable to do these things any more. If the positions were reversed I would go mad watching some one else do my work. We have to be a little patient , let them do what they can, when they can.

[bevvy5]

Hubby and I agree on deadlines.  I ask him how long he will need to get XYZ done.  He gives me a date.  I don't question his date and then when it passes, I simply arrange to have it done or do it myself.

He has the "choice" of whether to do it or not that way.  it seems to work for us.