Boswife,
I cried when I read this post. It seems like we have some moments of joy, but we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's like there is a black cloud that follows us around. One thing that helps me is my faith. When I am having a bad day, I think of Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Also, I have been taking time to do something good for myself for a change. For the past six weeks, I have been going for a walk/jog for about half an hour, three days per week. I am doing the "Couch to 5K Program". It is designed to help people go from being a couch potato to running a 5K in nine weeks. I am on week six. I use a free podcast that I found on C25K.com. They even have a potcast set to Christian music. I feel like it is helping my heart and lungs. Also, I feel good mentally after I exercise. After going for my jog in the morning, I seem to be in a better mood the entire day. Perhaps this is a "runner's high", but I don't run. I do a very slow jog. My goal is to do an 8K next month that supports organ donor awareness. It is on a Sunday (a non-dialysis day for my husband). He said he will go to the race and cheer me on!