A little frustrated

[Deanne]

I'm a little frustrated with my sister, who's a potential donor. I don't feel I have any "right" to be frustrated with her. I don't feel entitled to her kidney, but I'm still frustrated. She said she wants to donate, but her diabetes test was 0.1 over the allowed value. The transplant center said they'd retest her if she lost 20 pounds. This was the first of September.

She called me over the weeked. We don't live near each other and we're not a chatty family, so this was very unusual. I think she just called to tell me she's lost 10 pounds due to a bout with diahrrea, and she still really wants to donate. I thanked her for her offer and let it go. My frustration is that she keeps saying she wants to help me, but the only reason she's lost 10 pounds is because she had diahrrea. It's been four and a half months since the transplant center asked her to lose weight. I'm frustrated because she keeps saying she wants to help, but is doing nothing about it. 10 pounds lost in over four months and even then it's probably a temporary weight-loss due to diahrrea? I don't know quite how to react to that. If she doesn't really want to do it, fine. I'd rather she just say so instead of stringing me along. I suggested back in September that she could take her dogs for a walk every day and that would probably take care of it. She laughed at me for suggesting any form of exercise. Am I being selfish and unrealistic?

[MooseMom]

Well, I don't know your sister, but that won't stop me from just talking off the top of my head about her. LOL!

No, I don't think you are being selfish or unrealistic.  You'd be frustrated with anyone who said they were going to do something but never gets around to doing it.  That it is something this important that is being promised makes you doubly frustrated, I'm sure.

The first thing that occurs to me is that your sister may feel some obligation to say she wants to help, and she probably really does, but now that she sees that it is going to take something like changing her lifestyle, well, she might see it as more work than she orginally thought.  Maybe now she doesn't want to go through with it, but how can she tell you something like that!  I've no doubt that you'd rather she tell you, but that's an awfully difficult thing to say..."No, I don't want to donate a kidney to you anymore because I like donuts too much and can't be arsed to walk my dogs each day."  So instead of telling you the truth, she fudges and prevaricates and hems and haws.  I could be completely and utterly wrong, though.  What do you think is going on?

[ToddB0130]

In your circumstance,  I would probably discuss it with her further.  It's odd she's saying she wants to donate, but isn't taking care of what she needs to do in order to qualify.  Perhaps mentioning to her that it could take months for her to be fully cleared, in addition to the time it's taking her to lose the weight.

I have a potential donor, who is a friend ........he's got the paperwork and knows what he needs to do .......but I don't really ask him about it because he's young and he's got some things of his own to work out anyway (i..e.,  I don't expect he'd be approved right now) ....He's pretty young and he's got to get steady employment with health benefits, etc.  Even though his part of the transplant would be covered by my insurance,  I wouldn't want him to go through it without already having all other aspects of his life more 'settled'.  And I don't think the transplant center would approve him right now anyway.  But I appreciate that he went so far as to fill out the paperwork, etc.   Who knows,  maybe down the road .......

I hope your sister comes through for you.

[Sunny]

Don't give up hope on your sister because I'm betting she really does want to help. It may just take her a while to get herself together in order to help you. My sister took a couple of years to pull it together and donate to me. It was a very frustrating process for me because I had such a dire need. In hindsight, I know she had to come to terms with it herself before she could follow through for me. I know now that she would have donated her kidney to me regardless, for which I am grateful.

Make regular phone calls with your sister to show support for her attempts at weight loss and to let her become more aware of your health. Also talk about other things going on in your lives and work toward having a positive relationship.This may sound like manipulative action on your part, but you will find it serves to benefit both your needs. She needs just as much reassurance as you do.