A Whole New World

[CRG59]

To whom it may concern...

Hi. My name is Curt and I am 47 years old. This is my story. 

On September 29, 2005, I was living in Fairmont, MN working 14 hour days for the Schwans coorperation. At 2:00 a.m. I went into the ER room because of a gall bladder attack. They decided to transport me to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN so that they could do a procedure called an ERCP.  This is where they insert a scope down your throat and open up any passage that may be blocking stones so that they can pass into your small intestine.  The surgury failed as they punctured a hole in my small intestine. They did not realize this for two days.  In those two days, I became sicker and sicker and went into renal shut down.

During the month of October 2005, I was in a drug induced coma as they washed out my abdomen cavity seven times.  All the while, I was on constant dialysis.  I ended up staying in the hospital for seven months (till April of 2006).  During those months, I was focused on healing (as I had and still have to this day a nine inch by seven inch scare on my abdomen). Since I could not eat, drink, or walk...dialysis was no big thing.  In fact, I welcomed it because it gave me a chance to get out of my room.

That was then...this is now. Since my divorce was final just days before "the accident",  I live with my parents and have been since getting out of the hospital. I am 4 hours away from my children and do not get to see them very often.  After subtracting child support and health insurance payments, I live on $700 dollars a month. I have being trying to find a part time job but none are to be found.  And who wants to be romantically involved with "damaged goods". Oh, did I mention that my car is out of comission!

Actually, I was doing fine with all this until recently and that is why I am here.  I am starting to hit an emotional wall with all that has thrown at me.  I have no complaints with my care...it has been excellent.  My problem is just having the "want to" in continuing taking dialysis.  It is my choice, isn't it?  Isn't it all our choices?  Given the choice between heaven and hell, I would take heaven.  Given the choice between heaven and earth...earth hooked to a machine...well, that isn't so clear cut. 

I want to know...no, I NEED to know what YOU think.  Is refusing dialysis sucide?  Is refusing to be kept alive by a machine sucide? I am not trying to be dramatic here but for the first time I am thinking that I have a choice between death and life (if life with dialysis is really a life). This question has caused a great amount of distress in my family as well it should but to me it is a valid question and one that only those with dialysis would understand.

So, I would appreciate your comments and your mail if you would like to take the time to email me at  green_curt@yahoo.com.  Thank you for your time. Peace!   

[Epoman]

Hi Curt,

This question has been discussed in great lengths here on this site at this link:

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1113 "Is stopping dialysis suicide"

Welcome to the site. Please have a look around and also try our "SEARCH" feature as we have covered a lot of different topics related to dialysis. Including the one you asked.

Also be sure to check out the "Introduction" section for the site rules.

- Epoman
Owner/Admin

[Sluff]

Welcome to IHD CRG59,

I know your feeling frustrated right now so here is a thread on the very subject of continuing dialysis or stopping it.

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=553.0

From my personal viewpoint, I can not be objective enough to share my feelings, this site is open to everyone to vent, rant, or gain knowledge.

The moral issue here would coinside with your religous beliefs.

Good luck in the quest to find answers. If I can help in any way let me know.

I do know there are many others who have endured much more for much longer so try to give things more time to adjust.

[goofynina]

Hi Curt,  I am sorry your having these mixed emotions.  Before coming here, i too was having the same feelings, but reading the posts and slowly becoming an active member of this awesome community, things got a little better.  This site has been a Godsend for not only me but so many others.  I hope you continue to read through the posts and by all means, feel free to post any questions, comments and/or concerns of your own.  We are here for you,     If there is something in particular that you are looking for and cannot find, dont be afraid to ask, any one of us would be more than happy to help you find what you are looking for.   

[Rerun]

Curt, welcome to our site.  We all hate dialysis.  That is why we are here.  This site will help you get through your feelings of quiting.  You won't have to read too far to see that you aren't alone.  I still think about quiting dialysis but haven't done it yet.  I guess I have more good days than bad.

Try the new Renal Romance site.  Maybe you'll find someone there.  www.renalromance.com

[Bajanne]

I have to agree with all the others have said before.  I know I will not quit until it quits on me because I want to see my daughter finish her education and see my grandson grow up.  I feel that my life is still of worth inspite of the challenge of dialysis. There are still people who interact with me and want to see me around.  Apart from my christian beliefs, those are the things that keep me going.

[nextnoel]

Welcome to IHD, Curt - you'll find it a good place to learn (and rant, and laugh, and . . . .)

Personally, I don't think refusing/stopping dialysis is suicide, but I think that VERY often thoughts of doing this are driven by depression and the cycle of hopelessness that can come with serious illness and with just having too many darned things going wrong with your life at one time!  I think that often time and the support of others can make life more bearable no matter what one's circumstances are, and you should never underestimate the (often unknown to you) value to others you are while you're in this world.

I'm glad to have you here, and I'm looking forward to your future posts!

[Joe Paul]

Welcome CRG59, good to have you aboard.

[scyankee]

Welcome Curt!
   So sorry all the pain and suffering you have experienced.  It REALLY sucks.
   I am not the person to tell you that everything is going to get better...I struggle emotionally and physically
every time I go to dialysis.  But on the other side, give it time to see how your body is doing. If you are getting
good blood results perhaps you can alter your schedule a little less.  I have adjusted my schedule 5 times in a year
down to 3.25 hr treatments(2 days a week).  IF I did not suggest it, I would still be on 4.5 hrs per the doctor's.
Remember that we are not all the same. One mold will not fit all of us.  See if this helps. And remember you have
children that need you. I know that they are not near but you need to keep in touch with them. When they get
old enough to drive perhaps they will be able to see you more often.
  Take care,
  SCYankee

[lost sheep]

IN my opinion, life should not be "bearable", it is meant to be LIVED, and enjoyed to the fullest.  I think it is your choice and I do not believe you would be condemned by anyone for your decision.  Nobody knows your circumstances the way you do.

[angela515]

  I think this site will help answer a lot of your questions and concerns, just give it a little more time. I have mixed thoughts about is quitting dialysis suicide... For me, I won't quit, I have 2 kids who need me and I want to see them grow up. I do understand where your coming from though in your thoughts. If I were to ever go into a coma or a state of physical or mental situation where I can no longer be apart of the world "mentally" or I am in a coma forever or something, I do not wish to live that way... and have let my family know I wish for them to pull the plug. However dialysis is different and you can still be apart of the world.

Good luck.

[Zach]

I've been on in-center hemodialysis for almost 25 years -- half my life.
My 'professional life' has blossomed during the last 20 years.

Only you know what's best for yourself.  Whether you continue the journey or not.
 

[boxman55]

wow dude! welcome to this site. I just started in-center hemo in Aug '06 it sucks big time but not enough to miss out on my surroundings. Chill for a bit, learn alittle more, read some of the posts on this site,and this summer get ahold of me and we will hook up for some fishing I am next door in Wisconsin--Boxman

[okarol]

Hi Curt,
I hope you don't quit. Stick around for a while longer.
Of course, anyone should have the right to pull the plug on their life support.
You have been through a lot and it's got to be very depressing.
What is your status regarding a transplant?
Don't give up hope. I hope things improve for you!

~Karol  Welcome!

[mallory]

Welcome, Curt, glad you're here!  I think you have a lot to live for.  You said you don't see your children often, but they still have a Dad.  Don't take that away from them, I'm sure they are glad for any contact they have from you in their lives. 

I know it's hard.  Try not to give up.  Have you thought about a transplant?  That could also be a great help.  We're here for you, keep posting!   

[paris]

Welcome, Curt. Please keep posting and sharing your thoughts.  We all feel so alone sometimes. As much as our families want to understand, they aren't the one going thru this. It really helps to come here and ask tough questions and know the people responding have gone through the same thing. Depression is a definate part of this disease.  Let us help - we are all great listeners!

[jedimaster]

It was on my mind at the beginning....but I love so much my wife, my son, my friends...I can't just quit. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...either a transplant (it WILL come) or new technology that will make this treatment more humane....don't give up....we all can make it together....come here, get out of your chest all you want...either we been there or have something to say...life is good, no doubt.