Missed transplant and family war

[onestronglittlelady]

I just need to vent, and get some advice from people out of my family circle. Long story short, 5 years ago when my first transplant started to fail my sister offered hers. She was tested and a confirmed match. Last Nov. when my function was low enough to do dialysis or the transplant, my sister hit me with some sad news. The entire family knew she was acting weird, and thought it was the medications for her restless legs and ADHD. Actually she had been abusing prescription pain medications, and aderall. She is finally in rehab, but can't donate until she is out of rehab for 5 years. Yes I'm sad, that I am on dialysis, but thankful she is getting the help she needs, and didn't die of an overdose. Now my family can't let it go and they bring it up all the time. I forgave her a long time ago, and accept everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what to do when others in the family start saying bad things about my sister.

[Chris]

Well if I could, I'd use duct tape on some of my family, I need peace and quiet!

[boswife]

Families are tough...  I have a great one but for me, when one has a prob with another, i let it be 'their' problem.  I can say its the hardest thing in the world for me as i am the 'peacemaker'/'problem solver' of the rest of my surroundings, but for family, i've found that an opnion on one or the other is thought to be taking sides and thats not what it is.  It's just saying what i feel, sooooooooooo, i generally just nod and listen as..................this too shall pass.  WEll, hopfully for you as well.  Im sorry about the 'lost transplant'.  that has to be hard on you in all directions espacially since you already know what a transplant gives.  I hope for something else to come along and save the day     Im glad your "onestronglady" as you will get through this too, i just hope things settle sooner than later     

[jbeany]

Ouch, that's a tough one.  I'm glad you've been able to let it go, for your own piece of mind. 

I get how hard it can be when family or friends think they need to maintain that righteous indignation on your behalf, though.  I've got friends still livid about how my ex ran off when I got sick, or still complaining about how my step mother took off with every dime of my dad's money after he passed, and didn't even return most of my mother's belongings to me.  I've let go of the anger because I couldn't live with it and be whole.  But they seem to think they wouldn't be supportive if they let it go as well.

All I can say is keep reminding them how you feel about it and also reminding them that trying to load guilt onto her isn't going to help her stay clean.  She needs to know that they all love her.  "Sis and I have dealt with that between ourselves.  We're at a good place and we're supporting each other.  I need you to let go so you can support her too."

A similar conversation has helped me with some of my family and friends.  Some of them, however,  just won't ever let go.  I just nod and change the subject when they get started.

[rsudock]

So your family is still upset with your sister for having an addiction problem and messed up your chances for a transplant right? These family members that are sooo quick to judge, have any of them stepped up to be tested for you in your sister's absence?

[onestronglittlelady]

Thank you all for helping me with some new ideas. When things don't go as planned, I accept that it is all part of something I may not see, and it may be for reasons I don't understand. I do my best to stay positive no matter what, as science has proven negative feelings = negative life. I have too much sunshine for that! Hugs to all the wonderful people here!

[greg10]

.. Now my family can't let it go and they bring it up all the time. I forgave her a long time ago, and accept everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what to do when others in the family start saying bad things about my sister.

If I were you, I would have a private conversation with each member of the family and express your feeling about the matter and stress to them that you accept the situation and you have forgiven your sister.  Tell them to stop criticizing your sister and tell them that it is probably for the best that your transplant is delayed - you never know what advances in transplantation immunology have enstore for you and that a transplant 5 years from now could result in better compatibility and fewer drugs to supress your immune system.

[KrazeeBrod]

I agree with Greg10... the only difference being, I would have a "family meeting" rather than one by one (if that is what he was suggesting) and quietly but firmly ask them to stop their behavior.  Your donor obviously has a problem of her own and they need to be supporting BOTH of you, not criticizing and trying to make her feel guilty.  Their behavior, in my opinion, is self-serving, especially if they are not stepping up to the plate and offering to be tested for a kidney donation.

Just my opinion. Good luck!