What is wrong with me?

[Quickfeet]

I don't care about anything. I'm doing 1 to 2 PD exchanges a day instead of my prescribed 4. My car needs a new thermostat but I don't care enough to fix it. My house is a mess, dishes piled high. I've got trash in piles because I don't care enough to put a new trash bag in my can. I'm a worthless drain on society and I need to kill myself; but I don't have the motivation to do it. I know how to get myself out of this funk but I don't have the drive/desire to do it.

I'm just sitting here doing nothing. I could do an exchange now, I have a warm bag ready. However, I would have to put a fresh bag on the warmer. And in my mind it just seems like so much effort. I have to get a bag out of the box (if the box isn't opened then I have to open it.) Then I have to carry it about ten feet and bend over and put it in my warmer. I know that in reality it is a very simple and easy task, but in my mind it seems so monumental.

I don't feel "depressed". I feel apathetic or disconnected.

I've recently been told I have asperger's syndrome. One of the complications is depression. So is this CKD depression, Asperger's depression, or just normal depression? Not that it really matters. Just wondering.

I wish my ex would tell me what a worthless piece of shit I am. She was always really good at making sure I felt it deep down. As it is, I logically know I am a worthless drain on society, but I don't feel it.

[Pam]

Every one gets down and out and has bad days . No one is pathetic or worthless.
First you have to take care of yourself!! Get those exchanges done. They will make you feel better physically and that will make your mental state better.
Tackle your chores one thing at a time and you'll get it done.
If it's a nice day, open windows and let the sun and fresh air in or just go outside for a while.
  to you and things will get better.

[AguynamedKim]

I looked up the relationship between apathy and depression and it appears that apathy is: "One of the two major depression symptoms is loss of interest or pleasure. Basically, we stop caring."  I think this may very well be a clinical sign of depression and there are many treatments for it, including a number of medicines to help the chemical imbalances that cause depression.  I know it's hard to do it, but get to a doctor and see if we can't get you some medical help.  I know it'll be difficult to do but I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from it.  We'll get back to the dishes and house later - let's get you to the doctor first!  We're behind you, just do this little bit for us.

[natnnnat]

Come on Quickfeet, look at that cute fellah in your profile pic, he's been your inspiration in the past.  Re your ex, she may have been a fine lady for you once, but she sounds like she ended up pretty poisonous, you are better off clear of that.  Don't give up on the things that will help you feel better.  I guess you must have changed the bag by now.  We're right behind you to change the next one, and all the rest. 

[casper2636]

I feel dis -associated with the wold because I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO engage with the problem of my body for long enough to bring about an end to its improbable beating, breathing filling, and emptying seems overwhelmingly effortful, even the smallest deviation from habit requires
what feels like impossibly original thinking.
D.can be crazy-making , help is  your only alternative. You can get this at this site and your center.

[Quickfeet]

Oh it's definitely a form of depression. I'm already on prozac. I have been taking 40 mg for about 4 months. My daughter spilled a glass of juice on the couch yesterday. I changed her clothes but left the juice to soak into the couch. I keep telling people that I shouldn't be watching my kid right now but they don't get it. I guess they think it's just the "blues."

I wish I could get a Doctor's note to get out of depression, like gym class. Please excuse Chris from depression this week, because it interferes with his dialysis and may cause his death.

(I'm not suicidal, but if miss too many more sessions it will kill me.)

I think I am coming out of it any way. I didn't sleep the day away like I have the last few days.

[MooseMom]

http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=20355.0

Quickfeet, please have a read of this, and please go to www.aakp.org to read about this very issue.  Yes, depression is common in people with renal disease for multiple reasons.  The very first thing you need to do is make sure you are not anemic and to treat anemia if you are.

How much do you know about Asperger's?   Tony Attwood is an expert in Aspergers, and he has a really good website:  www.tonyattwood.au
My son has either Asperger's or high-functioning autism.  I'm not sure anyone can really define the difference.  Anxiety seems to be more common in Asperger's than depression, so it is possible you are suffering from both.

You are displaying the classic signs of depression, and you will not get help unless you approach someone who can help you.  It is not a matter of "snapping out of it".  Depression is treatable, and most newer meds are safe for renal patients.  Depression is not easy to treat; it takes time and some experimentation with meds and dosages, but those of us with renal disease know all about that.  I've felt that you have been slowly sinking for quite some time, and I think that it is time for you to address this issue.   

As far as being a drain on society, you have the means right there in front of you to ensure you are not.  If you can raise your daughter to become a happy and productive member of society, then you have done your job as a parent.  It's really that simple.  Not all of us have the means to change the world, but we can raise our kids to become good people.  If you can do this, then you will be a successful parent and will have make a far greater contribution to society than you realize.

[MooseMom]

oh, OK...you're already on Prozac and you feel like you're making some progress.  That's good.  Getting back into a more normal sleeping pattern is a sign of definite improvement.  Good!

Still, check out Tony Attwood's website.

And make sure you are getting good dialysis.  Simplistic, I know.  And do check on anemia...

[Restorer]

Another thing to look at, just in case. Are you on blood pressure medications? Many of those can cause you to feel tired. I felt tired and apathetic until I started adjusting my medications this week, particularly the clonidine and metoprolol. You might want to ask your nephrologist or PD nurse about it at your next clinic meeting.

When I was on CAPD, I was missing a lot of exchanges because I just didn't care enough. It made me feel worse, and made me care less. I know exactly how you feel with such small things seeming like so much effort. It's a world of difference to get your physical state sorted and get at least your dialysis-related treatment set. Dehydration or fluid overload, anemia, and toxins can do that to you. I felt so much better and had so much more energy when I got on CCPD.

Try to rule out inadequate dialysis, anemia, and medication side effects, and then look into adjusting the Prozac, or trying a different antidepressant. It'll get better eventually. 

[kitkatz]

I want to know how things are going for you now? Are you doing better or just okay?

I can relate to some of what you are feeling right now.

[Quickfeet]

Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I am doing very good now. I have all kinds of energy, but i don't know why. For some reason, in april I just started feeling better. I don't have the fatigue any more. Mentally and physically I almost feel as good as i did before dialysis.

[KrazeeBrod]

I am so glad to hear you are doing better.  I know how you felt as that happened to me back in Jan/Feb 2011.  I was nearly suicidal, but I took steps to find out why I felt that way, and my doctor and friends helped me so much!

Please MAKE yourself take your treatments and see your doctor if necessary if you start feeling that way again!  I promise it will be the right thing and will help you feel better.

[greg10]

Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I am doing very good now. I have all kinds of energy, but i don't know why. For some reason, in april I just started feeling better. I don't have the fatigue any more. Mentally and physically I almost feel as good as i did before dialysis.

SAD?  We are glad you are feeling better and posting.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) refers to episodes of depression that occur every year during fall or winter. Symptoms improve in spring and summer. Symptoms usually build up gradually in the late autumn and winter months.

[peleroja]

Just because you don't "feel" depressed doesn't mean you're not.  What you're describing are all symptoms of depression.  Get some medication to make you feel better, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Quickfeet]

I was on 40 Prozac at the time. when I went to sixty I went a little nuts. wellbutren helped but made me vomit all day. I am now able to be active and that has made a huge difference.