What else can I do?

[MandaMe1986]

Thanks paddbear, and yeah I am trying to.  And I am trying to help as much I can.  To be fair I know I am not as open to feeling sorry for her as I could be.  I do feel bad for her. And your right diabetes is not something to take lightly.  I know that, I will never take that away.  My problem isn't with her being diabetic, it isn't with thinking that I am sicker then she is.  It is with how she has dealt with me being sick, and it being really hard for me to support her the way she wants or needs. It is very hard to explain my childhood. But like I said I have been taking care of my mother for a very long time. And I know it sounds weird for a child to say that about a parent.  I just, can't do it anymore. So yes my mother is diabetic and I feel sorry, but I am trying really hard to tell myself that isn't my problem anymore.

[cherpep]

The more you say, Manda, the more your relationship with your mother sounds like mine.  I understand what you mean when you say it is really hard to support her the way she needs because of issues from growing up.  I understand that completely.  For me, I do love my mom, but it is hard for me to feel bad when she is sick (or 'says' she is sick).  I go through so many of the motions to let her know that I care, but each one of those motions is thought out and hard to do.  I actually feel resentful, but try to overcome that resentment and do what I feel I should do as her daughter, out of respect and love, but it doesn't come easy.   I know that sounds horrible for a daughter to feel toward her mom, and I would be devastated if I knew that was how my daughter felt toward me.  But, there are issues that run very deep and no matter how much I forgive or try to forget - they are still there.  She has constant needs, and that in itself makes it difficult, but I try to do what I can do, realizing my limits and that I can never satisfy her 100%, I can only do what I can do.  And I do it because I love her and I would never forgive myself if I didn't. 

So, I don't know if this is exactly the same situation with your mom, but I just wanted you to know that your feelings are understood.  Keep venting if you need to. 

[cherpep]

Oh, I think it is also necessary to say that I hope you guys don't think I'm an awful person.  Those feelings I have are only toward my mother - they are very specific for her.  I am very sympathetic to others when they are sick.  For the most part, I am a very caring and loving person.  I just have issues with my mom. 

[MandaMe1986]

Cherpep it dose sound a lot alike. I do love my mother, and for a long time I have done a lot more then i should.  But I am with you I try really hard to over come the resentment.  Some days I do better then others.  But what more can we do right?  I don't think you are an awful person I understand where you are comming from 100%.

As for your daughter, I feel the same way about my kids.  My mother is severely bipolar with manic episodes.  Along with that my mother is the only one out of her and her 3 sisters who isn't schizophrenic, her father was too aswell.  So mentally my mother is extremely sick.  And I know that even though I don't have the same mental problems, my health problems can be just as bad. All I can do is try really hard to keep it from my kids as much as possible.

[monrein]

Dealing with people who suffer from severe mental illnesses (and bipolar is a biggie) is difficult in the extreme, even when the person is someone you love and even when you know that it isn't fully in their control.  The key is to find a balance between giving what you can without being swallowed by that deep ocean of endless needs.  Guilt is a tricky customer but is not helpful in these situations.  Self-preservation is crucial for your own mental and physical well-being and the truth is that you will have nothing whatsoever to give to anyone if you don't keep your own head above water.  Your primary responsibilities are now towards your own kids who also need to grow up as free as possible from the clutches of unreasonable guilt and the constant giving of attention both big and small.

Manda and Cherpep, you both seem to have figured this all out and I really admire you both for keeping things in perspective because it's a tough thing to do and can be overwhelming in the extreme.   

[MandaMe1986]

Thanks Monrein its nice to have you back.