Busy Fighting My Own Demons

[Bub]

Sorry I have not been around.  I have been fighting depression and losing.  It GOLD so bad I finally turned in my resignation and have applied for disability  I am a shadow of my former self  Once I was over a quarter of a ton.  Substantial and fearless.  Now I am barely half that and mearly Homer Simpson fat.  The world was once my china store and I was the bull that wandered in. Now I hobble around on a cane falling occasionally and needing help getting up. At 53 I have become an old man. My only saving race is my faith in God. Some of you will laugh as you read that otherswill just dismiss me with gentile contempt but some of you know and understand.

Okarol thank you for checking in on me. a KIND AND SIMPLE JESTURE ON YOUR PART THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN SILVER OR GOLD

[monrein]

Bub, I'm saddened to hear how hard this has been for you and of how awful you feel.  I am however glad that your faith is a help and a comfort...there is nothing there to be laughed at or dismissed with any kind of contempt whatsoever...this road is a really rough one and whatever can soften it is to be welcomed.
Personally, I'm glad you posted and I send you a hug along with the hope that in each day you can find some glimmer of something good.
 

[paris]

Bub, you have a lot of friends here that completely understand what you are feeling.   I asked myself today "what happened to the person I was?".   I would be so lost without this site and the people here who always remind me that I am not alone and anything I am feeling is valid.  Come and spend more time with us.  We can't fix anything, but we have great shoulders to lean on.   Hold on to your faith and lean on it, too.  Hoping some light will shine on you soon.   

[galvo]

It's a real bugger, Bub! I have no words to offer you, except that I do understand. Sometimes the smallest thing helps me through the day.

[RichardMEL]

Bub - glad you're still with us through all of the stuff you've gone through (and continue to battle with). It can't be easy. I won't claim to understand fully or anything like that, but I do realise how difficult this must be for you having to give up a lifestyle and having things go down for you.

I must say that reading you've lost so much weight is probably a small positive for you health wise and that can only help you in the longer run I think.

All I can say is try and remember the positives you have in your life : family, friends, your faith etc rather than focus on what's missing, what was, and all of that.  I find that it helps me to try to not to dwell on the bad stuff, but focus on the good.

best wishes as you continue to battle along.

[Jean]

Hi Bub,
Really do know how you feel. And, I think we all do. This site is a God send for all of us. Other people dont understand what we are going thru, and altho they do try to be sympathetic, they just dont really get it. As Richard said, I surely would not worry about the weight loss, and probably that is good for you, but I know you would feel better about it, if it was all muscle. This growing old and being ill is not for sissies. Having your faith in God is a wonderful thing to cling to. I do too. Sometimes I look at myself ( like you do) and wonder what in the world happened to that young and pretty girl. Above all, keep in touch with us, we are always happy to hear from you especially with that great sense of humor you have.

[YLGuy]

Hey Bub,
I do feel for you.  I try not to think about what I cannot do and be thankful for little things.  I am lucky because I have my 3 kids who need me.  I think about the fact that I need to be there to walk my daughter down the isle.  It gets really tough some times.  I know it is hard, but when things get really tough I think that is the time to post here.  Not stay away.  There are many people here who really do care.  A kind word can go a long way sometimes.  Keep posting please. I love your sense of humor and it makes my day sometimes when I read some of your posts.
Marc

[brandi1leigh]

I definitely empathize with you! I recently went on disability and am now having to make decisions about the future. It's so hard to think about the future when it takes everything in me to get through each day. I don't know you, but it makes me feel better to know that others feel the same way I do. So even though you're at a low point, just by posting this you've helped lift my spirits. Even though you are not working, you are still contributing to make the world better just by being in it and sharing.

[okarol]

Thanks for posting Bub! I also enjoy hearing from you and many of us missed you. Don't forget, we're here and we really care how you are. 

[Quickfeet]

 

I'm thirty and have been unable to work since march. None of this is easy. I hope you find a way to cope.

Keep posting!

 

[Darthvadar]

Hi Bub...

Thinking of you...

There's not one of us on this site who can't empathise with you and what you're dealing with now... I watch Mum fight this battle daily...

Hope you feel better very soon...

Love...

Darth...

[Zach]

Hi Bub,

We're here for you.
Keep fighting the fight!

[KICKSTART]

I think everyone here can understand what you are going through , depression and loss (of being able to do so much) has touched us all. There will be good days , treasure them. The bad days when they come get through them as quick as possible , then forget them. While you may never become the person you once was ..you will adapt. It amazing how inventive you can become when you have to. You are still the same person, just maybe a little slower now ! 

[billybags]

Bub, so glad you posted, was getting worried about not hearing from you. I am sorry you have had to give your job up, it must be so hard for you. I have never had depression so I do not know what you are going through.Why should we dismiss you with gentile contempt , I also believe in God, he will see you through this. Please find some thing that you enjoy doing, now you have all this time on your hands, don't let it beat you. Be substantial and fearless again. Have faith in your self. Thinking about you.

[Bub]

All I can say is thn you.

[cariad]

Sorry to read of your struggles, Bub. I can hear the depression in your writing and wish you all success in getting through this. Keep returning here so we can help in our small way.

[Dianejt]

 

[CharmedMist]

Bub, I am sorry for the troubles and depression. I think everyone can understand that here, both those with the disease and those as care givers and loved ones. It does hit, I know that as a caregiver, while I can never understand what it's like to be in your shoes, I've still been there myself with the depression, fear, confusion and misunderstanding that comes along with Renal disease.

It does effect and touch every part of your life. But while it is a huge part of your life, it's not you, the real you inside. Don't ever lose sight of that and don't forget you are loved, both by God and by all of us.

[boswife]

Aww Bub,, it breaks my heart knowing your hurting.  It's awful hard having the ups and downs that go with this desiese, but when the downs go for too long, well, it's almost too much to bear.  Im so sorry.  I do hope that some ups are heading your way, and if not, that you can find the strength to make um come your way!! Im finding that depression is creeping in on me and im only the care giver, but that we have to work real hard to not let it get a hold.  Finding an interest, a pet, some joy somewhere will help ya through.  My faith in God is strong, and thats what keeps me somewhat sane at times.  I hope He is bringing you some comfort and that you'll feel even a little better tomorrow :-)  sending love and prayers for comfort and peace.

[bette1]

We can understand some of what you're going through because we have been there.  This site has been a lifesaver for me, I hope we can help you in some small way.  I am sending you a giant hug  .

[Bajanne]

Sending you a big warm Caribbean HUG
I do understand what you are going through.  Please remember always that we are here for you.  That is why this site exists.

[MooseMom]

The demons cannot take everything away from you.  We all suffer loss whether or not we have CKD.  I am not who I used to be, but that would be the case, any way.  I hope I am not the same person I was 20 years ago because that would mean that life had not taught me a thing, and that would be tragic.

I think most of us recognize a bit of ourselves in your initial post.  You are fighting for your life, and the struggle is immensely tiring.  How do you "fight" your demons?  Therapy?  Meds?  Meditation?  Other coping mechanisms?  Depression can quickly become inertia, and I don't want to see that happen to you.  You cannot give up because we will not allow that...  Your demons will have to come and fight the rest of us, and they do not stand a chance.  They quiver with fear of our wrath and courage and determination. 

We may be in cyberspace, but we are here nonetheless.