Time Sucker Rant

[KTangel]

I was having a conversation with my busband the other day and wanted to see if any other spouse/significant other has had a similar conversation.
Background: I am in a profession that works fairly long hours, but am lucky to have a job that does not demand more than most. (approx. 50 hours a week and some weekends) I also commute 40 minutes each way to work and am the financial guru of the relationship. So that my husband can go to school on top of dialysis without too much stress I have also found myself doing all of the cooking (which he did most of before he went back to school) and cleaning.
He said the other day (in all seriousness) that he cannot do it all-and I wanted to look at him and scream: WHO IS DOING IT ALL?
Thank goodness we do  not have kids at this point or I would also be dropping them off at daycare, picking them up from daycare, feeding them, bathing them and putting them to bed.
Thoughts?
 

[kitkatz]

Yep, been there done that.  Now we are really funny over here.  He is a recovering amputee and I am recovering from parathyroid surgery.  The house? The chores? Hah! Is anything getting done?
Ummm...No not really. 

But then I can see hubby's point. Dialysis does make it seem you are doing a lot when you actually are doing very little.

And I see your point , too.  You are carrying the major parts of the household load, plus working.

My heart goes out to you.  I would get help if you need it and can afford it.  Housekeeper once a week, or make freeze dinners once a week. (like you don't already have enough to do, right!) Sometimes you just have to let somethings go and not do them until another time.

[Rerun]

He has a chronic illness.  That means it doesn't get better.  That is what "for sickness and health" means.  A transplant will make things better (if it works) but it has its own set if issues.

You better face it now and decide what you want to do.  I agree with Kitkatz.... get someone to come clean the house once a week or so.  That would help. 

Your husband would LOVE to feel well enough to work, go to school, fix dinner, etc.....  But he just doesn't.

[Sara]

I understand what you are saying.  I purposely cut back my hours to 15-20 hours per week because I was just too stressed and could not keep up with anything.  It does get frustrating sometimes when you (the spouse) are doing all or almost all of the visible work.  I try to keep telling myself that I am lucky I am able to do it, and he would do it for me, and that helps.  Plus I can see how emotionally and physically drained he is, and I really try not to make him do much housework and things of that nature.  Don't ever hesitate to post your feelings though.  That's why the Spouse section is here, and we spouses can help each other through this.   

[Epoman]

I understand what you are saying.  I purposely cut back my hours to 15-20 hours per week because I was just too stressed and could not keep up with anything.  It does get frustrating sometimes when you (the spouse) are doing all or almost all of the visible work.  I try to keep telling myself that I am lucky I am able to do it, and he would do it for me, and that helps.  Plus I can see how emotionally and physically drained he is, and I really try not to make him do much housework and things of that nature.  Don't ever hesitate to post your feelings though. That's why the Spouse section is here, and we spouses can help each other through this.   

  Sara

[kitkatz]

Exactly right.
  Now with the two of us down, I think we take turns feeling awful.  I am sooo lucky to have the CNAs still coming to the house during the day to help out.  We would not have groceries in the ouse if it were not for them this week. I cannot drive until after Friday and Victor can drive but load and unload groceries, forget it! He says he feels pretty good right now, which is good because I feel pretty crappy seven days out from surgery. 

I would get some help. Call some friends or relatives if any are near.  Will anyone from work cook a meal and bring it over? Do you have neighbor who stays home?  (I know you are laughing...but maybe someone in the office will do it or the neighbor is friendly.)  Stay loose and take some time for you when you can.

[KTangel]

You know-I actually do have this one co-worker who invites me over to eat dinner with them a couple times a week and it is FABULOUS! His wife makes the yummiest meals and it gives me time to not be in the house and feel compelled to do it all. LOVE IT and them for being such great people. (they also have this cute little kid that puts things in perspective)
I have also been thinking about using one of those dinner services where you get frozen meals that are "home made" and then just pop them in the oven when needed. Anyone try that?
 

[Zach]

I have also been thinking about using one of those dinner services where you get frozen meals that are "home made" and then just pop them in the oven when needed. Anyone try that?
 

I tried a renal diet meal service.  They arrived half frozen, and were way too expensive for the amount of food.  But if that helps save you time, you should try it, at least once, and see for yourself.
 

[Black]

... I wanted to look at him and scream: WHO IS DOING IT ALL? ...

OMG, I can sympathize.     My house looks like a tornado of clothes and papers swept through and deposited most of it's load in every room of my house.    If I could follow my doctors orders and quit work for a few months it would be different, but since I can't do that, I do what I have to do and let the rest go.  On busy days, it's eat leftovers and fall into bed.  When he asks me to do something more I want to scream.  But knowing he feels worse than I do, most times I bite my tongue and try.

My friends tell me I don't look well and look tired (yeah, just what I need to hear!!) so I try to do just the important things and keep my business going, and rest as much as I can.  If it gets any worse, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and ask friends for help.  I'm hoping my blood test comes back on Wed and shows that my thyroid meds need to be raised, and everything else is okay.

[Joe Paul]

... I wanted to look at him and scream: WHO IS DOING IT ALL? ...

OMG, I can sympathize.     My house looks like a tornado of clothes and papers swept through and deposited most of it's load in every room of my house.    If I could follow my doctors orders and quit work for a few months it would be different, but since I can't do that, I do what I have to do and let the rest go.  On busy days, it's eat leftovers and fall into bed.  When he asks me to do something more I want to scream.  But knowing he feels worse than I do, most times I bite my tongue and try.

My friends tell me I don't look well and look tired (yeah, just what I need to hear!!) so I try to do just the important things and keep my business going, and rest as much as I can.  If it gets any worse, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and ask friends for help.  I'm hoping my blood test comes back on Wed and shows that my thyroid meds need to be raised, and everything else is okay.

If we have friends, we shouldn't have to wonder if they know we are in trouble. A true Friend would come to the rescue, if they are able.

[Black]

If we have friends, we shouldn't have to wonder if they know we are in trouble. A true Friend would come to the rescue, if they are able.

You are absolutely right, and they have volunteered.  But, I'm trying not to call on them now as I expect there to be times when I will need them more.

One of my friends is a retired dog groomer who could step in and run my business if she had to (probably better than I do!), and she has occasionally come over to help some in the past.  Now she is working another full time job, but even so, she has said that she will come in the evenings to take care of my board dogs while I am out of town NxStage training with Mike on Tues, Wed and Thur.  My husband's cousin, who does not work, will take care of them during the day, plus take care of our dogs and cat, and "house sit".  My other two friends also work full time, but have volunteered to help me on weekends.  One is just itching to clean my house but I keep putting her off -- hoping I can at least wait until right before Mike comes home with the NxStage.

I'm waiting to get my blood work back on Wed; I may need to call on all of them sooner that I want to, but I hope not.  I'm just so tired of being tired -- tired of my legs and feet swelling 'til I can't see my ankle bones, tired of getting out of breath on the morning walks before the fluid has time to settle into my legs, tired of having to stop and rest every time I walk a dog.  I suspect I am still severely undermedicated for my hypothyroidism and still experiencing myxedema.  The funny thing is I'm taking 250% of the dose my old Doc had prescribed.  Before I found my new Doc I was much worse -- I gained 40 pounds in the year before I found her.  She diagnosed the adrenal fatigue which is the underlying problem caused by the years on undermedication.  She ordered the latest blood tests and the prescription form looked like vegetable soup.  She is ruling out other problems - kidneys, liver and heart -- before she ups my thyroid dose again.  Cross your fingers and say a prayer, everything else I can think of is worse than undertreated hypothyroidism!!

[Ohio Buckeye]

If you have friends willing to help out, let them.
You will not feel so overwhelmed amd it will be a huge burden
off your shoulders and you'll be glad you did.
I know because of my broken hand I have not been able to do many
things and my best friend helped me clean and several friends from
church came over last weekend and did things that needed to be
done.  Such a relief.  I've had to have them drive me to appts., etc.
They have been wonderful and they are all appreciated.
It is a humbling experience.  I never wanted any help but to do it all alone.
If you have people willing to help be grateful and let them. rotate them
if you think you'll need more later.  I know how hard it is.  My husband was
very ill for 7 yrs.  2-teenage sons.  it was hard and I remember well the
frustration I felt and how overwhelmed I was at times. I feel for you spouses of
ill spouses.  I hope you will accept the help.   I will say a prayer for you.

[kitkatz]

I know how you feel.  I have recently reclaimed my house from the mess monster.  It looks much better to me now.  My housekeeper showed up today and we battled the mess monster together.  I also raked some of the front yard today.  I have to remember three weeks after surgery not to push so much.  I am sore across my shoulders tonight.  I cleaned the hallway closet and found the toilet paper.  I have to clean out my closet and then it is almost done.  One step at a time. 
Words of advice:
     Ask for help when you need it.
     Take time to enjoy hubby's company every day.
     Take things one day at a time.
      Let some things go.  Not everything is a life or death situation.
      Take time to do something for you.  A cup of tea, a book, or alone time can help tremendously.
I am sure you have heard it all before, so take care of you.

[KTangel]

Sometimes I find that all I need is a bath and a book and then I feel better. Only in my house the WHOLE family follows me into the bathroom and wants to hang out as well. (the two cats seem to just want to be in a warm room-they generally leave me be) 
But I feel for you and completely understand the exhaustion. I am also amazed at how that can translate to physical/medical problems. Good luck with the blood test and let all of us know what happens.

[Foxys-Boy-Toy]

Sometimes you have to set priorities and just put things in perspective. It might just be easier to have a messy house, than stress out over the fact that it's not as clean as you like. Yes, someone has to cook dinner, and you have to have clean dishes to cook and eat, but does the livingroom really need to be vacuumed and dusted today? When my wife first became ill I was cooking and cleaning and working and a full time student. I finally realized somedays ( or even some weeks if need be) it was best to just do what had to be done and let the rest go. You need some time for a long bath or your favorite TV, or just to read a book, to help unload some of the stress of day to day life especially if there is the added stress of long term illness.

Then I / we had a new problem, my wife was stressing that she wasn't doing enough because the house was a little messier and sometimes it was frozen dinners instead of a cooked meal. It took a lot of communication and heartfelt discussions, but I sort of passed on this same concept to her. Does it need to be better or cleaner, or is it OK to let some things go for now. I'm not suggesting letting everything go all the time and be irresponsible, I'm just saying that some things such as stress relief or spending time together are more important than making the bed.

Also if friends want to help let them. We didn't want help with cleaning or cooking and constantly told people no. Finally a group of my wifes friends got together and just did not take no for an answer. They started showing up 3 days a week with dinner even if we told them not to. It made a huge difference just knowing that was one less problem we had to deal with for the day, and gave us some much needed time for other things.

[kitkatz]

Luckily mu hubby could care less what the house looks like. So the mess piles up till I can get to it.  Now the girls are grown and out of the  house the house does not really get messy. Dusty, yes, but not messy. Our areas where we live get messy from us, but usually a swift paper cleaning and organizing cleans it up.  Meals are being cooked by a CNA three times a week and the other nights we just wing it or go out. The important things are love and kindness to each other.

[Sara]

KTangel, how are you doing now?