i feel so alone

[lou]

Ok well Ive already posted one depressing post tonight but this one is going to be even worse!!

I've just had a sort of argument with my boyfriend and now I'm sitting here crying and part of me wants to call someone but then i decided to write it on here as maybe someone will understand better.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and he really is great. He has supported me through all this kidney crap the last few years and is usually such a positive person. Well, i started dialysis a month ago and now i don't think he is handling it too well. The last couple of weeks he is going to the pub loads and i guess he doesn't want to be around me cos I'm not much fun anymore. Tonight is my last night before i start pd 7 nights a week. I was hoping we would have a nice night together but he went to meet a friend in the pub and said he would be back soon. Well i have been sitting here felling sad so just called him and said i was upset he wasn't spending this night with me cos he can go to the pub anytime. We basically had a horrible conversation where i said if he cant handle this he needs to leave me. He said he loves me but is just finding this hard and maybe he is going to the pub a lot where he can have a laugh and doesn't have to think about it.

I understand its hard for him but i just feel a bit deserted. He is usually always with me and we have a 'we can handle anything' attitude but it doesn't feel like that at the moment. I feel alone. I guess I'm a bit over emotional at the moment so that prob doesn't help. Not sure why I'm writing all this. Maybe I'm hoping someone will read it and understand a bit of what I'm saying.

He has just rung and said he is 5 mins away so think will try talk about this when he gets in. Please wish me luck as feeling very sad, scared and alone,

hope everyone is OK and thanks for reading

Lou x x x

[Hanify]

Oh Lou, that sounds awful.  I think you will feel better once you do 7 days actually.  Give him some time and don't do anything rash at the moment.  It's a huge thing for all involved - not just the patient!  I can completely understand how you are feeling at the moment, but try to remind yourself that the reason you need dialysis is also going to be affecting your state of mind.  I reckon in a weeks time you'll feel a lot better.
Hope that helps.

[dwcrawford]

Keep in mind that many of us have to go through it alone.  Be gateful he'll talk about it.

[cariad]

Sorry to hear this, Lou. You are very good at expressing your thoughts and pinpointing exactly what is bothering you, so I think you have a great chance of working through this with your boyfriend. Hanify is right - now is not the time to be making major decisions about the future of your relationship. Give it a bit and see how everyone adjusts once you are on your schedule.

Good luck with the dialogue.

[willowtreewren]

Lou, as much as dialysis is an adjustment for you, it is also an adjustment for your boyfriend. he says that he loves you, so take that as a very positive.

You might need to find an outlet for laughter, too, and he he can understand that you also need some laughter, perhaps you two can discover a way to get that together.

Keep in mind also, that many times it helps the caregiver (or partner who is not the one with the illness) to have some time to replenish themselves so they can be there for you.

Keep the lines of communication open and honest between you. And as others have said, don't make any rash decisions while you are going through transitions.

Best wishes that this all works out for you. And Lou, we are here for you.

Aleta

[Maker]

Oh Lou, I'm praying for you today 

We've chatted about this in the past...so you know I can really relate to what you're going thru.  I pray you and your boyfriend won't be another casualty of this disease   

Hang in there girl and PM me anytime you want to chat more 

[Goofy]

I feel so bad for you.  I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well right now.  Hopefully in time, your boyfriend will be a little more understanding.  Its hard to make life adjustments but right now maybe he's scared but in time he will adjust.  Just hang in there and please take your of yourself. 

[RichardMEL]

*hugs* for Lou.

I think the fact he's been with you EIGHT (8!!!) years so far says a LOT and is a fine testiment to the sort of bloke he is (even though I don't know him from a protein bar*)

I think the REALITY of you starting dialysis has hit him hard. It's no longer something that might happen in the future, or something he could put off thinking about and has become a reality for him as much as for you. He loves you clearly but the reality of the machine and all that it entails might be a bit much for him to get used to. Wanting to escape to the pub/friends could just be a release valve for him.

Having said that I think it is poor that you wanted to spend a "last night of freedom" together and he's gone to the pub - that seems insensitive to me.. but I don't think it's worth breaking up over! I am sure you can sort it out.. it is just a pity that your last night is marred by a fight and stuff...

I think once you do pd 7 days it might make you more able to live a better quality of life when not on the machine, and that hopefully should reflect on your relationship.

hang in there ! 

(*) - required bit of attempted kidney failure humour

[okarol]

 

[Lillupie]

THis is easy to feel alone. Even though you know there are other people out there who are on dialysis, I know its not the same because its not like you can go next door and ask them about it, and they will know.

IT does sound like your bf is pretty supportive of you. He has been there quite awhile. Dont get upset with him. Give him time to let it all sink it. I think it is hard for the people that love us the most. During my interviewing I am meeting people who their wives left them after they started dialysis.

It might be hard for you to deal with, just like it is hard for those who are close to us.
This disease/lifestyle really affects every area of our life. Your partner/bf just may not know how to handle it, and going to the pub is just his way of dealing with it.

Lisa

[Brightsky69]

Lou - I feel for you. My BF did the same thing when I first went on dialysis. It seemed like he was going out with his buddies almost every night. But after a year of me on dialysis he has gotten use to the it and stays home most nights now. He is really suportive and does his best to keep me up and positive.

I am hoping your BF does the same thing. He loves you and maybe he just needs some time. He'll come around. 

[iketchum]

My wife also withdrew from me and my kidney failure. She did not know what to do and was scared of what was going on. She finally got enough information and now is much more supportive. It's a shame we all have to go through this and the toll it takes on our relationships. I think they have it right to say not to make a rash decision too soon. I hope eveything works out. Have the boyfriend look at the site and that may help him as well.

[lou]

Thankyou so much for all these lovely messages - its so nice to know you are all out there and I'm not alone in this. Well I'm feeling a million times better today. Spoke to Shawn last night and today I showed him all these messages. I think it upset him a bit but he admitted how hard is is finding all this and the change to our lifestyle. It got us talking and we  agreed that although its a shitty time at the moment we will get through it. we are going out for a meal and a few drinks tonight like we used to and I'm not going to mention the word dialysis kidney or transplant all night - i promise!!

Thanks again for all your words - they have really helped me and somehow i know if id rung a friend last nigfht they wouldn't have understood the way you all do. Hope everyone else is doing OK. 

Lots of love

Lou x x x

[billybags]

Lou, hope you had a lovely meal last night. I hope you did not touch on the dialysis subject, but I bet you did. It must be hard when you are young to come to any terms about this crap. You partner sounds like a good guy just give him some space to come to terms with it. Lots of hugs.

[texasstyle]

This all seems so crazy sometimes doesn't it? Don't forget in your concerns with him that YOU need a break too. You need to take care of yourself as the patient. So does the caregiver. EDUCATION means and helps a lot for both. I am a caregiver to my husband. It is hard, I can not lie. I think some people have an easier time with dialysis than others. Today they took off 13 lbs. He came home weak and threw up. I as the caregiver feel so helpless but at times I feel selfish too. I get mad ( but don't reflect it at him) that things are like this. I want a normal life! Here's how it is now, this is our normal. Try to keep positive, take advantage of the good points in your day/life. It'll make you both feel productive. Tell him how your feeling. Commmincation is key. If he knows for sure that your tired that day because you tell him, he may not take another way through misunderstanding. Do your best to keep things together.He probably feels scared and alone too in his own way.

[Poppylicious]

Hi Lou ... Like texasstyle says, being the partner (I don't consider myself a caregiver!) is hard and right now he's having to deal with the fact that what was his normal isn't his normal anymore (and may never be again).  It's a time of readjustment for both of you.  It's just a bugger he's choosing to readjust with trips to the pub without you! 

He probably feels scared and alone too in his own way.

Definitely.

Have a fabulously divine meal this evening ... *hugs*

 

[hurlock1]

People (notice that I didn't say just men) can  be so insensitive. It seems, for the most part that it's usually the "boyfriends" or "girlfriends" that haven't really made the next step (marriage) that seem uncommitted, that really go out of their way to not be as supportive as what we think that they should be. It's a sad fact that a person with little character or a lot of immaturity may stay, out of pity or "obligation", but is "not there" when he is there, or go out to the bar to escape.  The question is, if your self esteem is strong enough to let him go long enough to see if he comes back. You know that old poem. . . I'm a firm believer in the fact that there is someone out there for everybody. Sometimes it isn't what we expect. I know for a fact that pity or obligation is a really poor excuse for love. It's easy when there's plenty of money and everybody's healthy. . . Even then, after the Glow is over it takes a lot of work. One way to get over being alone, in that it's your choice 100% of the time, is to reach out. A good place to start is at the center. Go in there with a positive attitude. Force yourself to smile at everybody. Get to know the people next to you. Like I said, being lonely is your choice. Get to know the people at the store; the employees, the people that come to the store. A smile goes a long way to gain recognition. Don't be lonely. Don't be with someone that has to go to the bar to live with himself. Even if your world is small, even if you are not getting your hopes out of the "boyfriend", (I don't know you or your boyfriend) There are ways to not be lonely. There are all kinds of people out there with problems that make kidney disease look like preschool. Open up. Look elsewhere for answers to your loneliness.
There's that song, "I can't make  you love me if you don't. . . "