Has anybody else experienced this?

[Kitty Cat]

My situation is, no family support on my side at all. That's not the problem, it's a Blessing. My husband's family is so very critical of me and everything I do for him, there is no support and at times things have been unbelievably stressed for me. Sometimes with all the surgeries and hospital stays, just to get away by myself would be a dream, but there isn't anybody to help me with that. With all that happens, with all the nasty comments and the never-ending excuse that I have again "Misunderstood" a very derogatory comment, why is my husband closer than ever to these people? There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him, he knows this but this is pushing me to the edge of whatever. I haven't snapped, but I am very hurt that he's so forgiving of them, but I'm right here and I'm the bad person because I keep misunderstanding what comments are made. Trust me, these cute comments are NOT misunderstandings, they are meant to hurt and they do. I really need some ideas, the sicker he gets, the more he clings to them and lately I'm backing off. He has a really big surgery next month, I need to be there for support but I'm very confused and just need some ideas.

Thanks for listening.

[paul.karen]

What a sucky situation you are in.

Take a long 3/4 day weekend by yourself or with a friend.
Your husband will be fine with all his support around him  ..

And maybe this will open his eyes and he will see who truly loves him.
I read your introduction just now.  You been around since 06 and back then he was an awesome guy.   I am sure he still is.  But it sounds like it is time for him to see how awesome you ar as well for  sticking with him.
He shouldn't let his family make snide remarks towards you AT ALL PERIOD.

So take some time and let him see what life is like without you.
and hopefully it will open his eyes.

Wishing you the best

[Kitty Cat]

paul.karen, thank you so very much. Don't get me wrong, he is still a great guy, I think what's happening is that when they talk to him, it's poor this, poor that, etc. I think he gets sucked into the sympathy thing. I won't do that, as I've posted before, we try to keep things as normal as possible. This coming week, he'll be starting group therapy within his dialysis group (I've been trying to get him to do something like this for so long) and I'm hoping he'll really open up and this will all come out.

It's funny, every once in a while, he'll get really angry and say this has to stop, he'll confront his mother and that's where the whole "she misunderstood what I was trying to say" comes from. After 26 yrs of marriage, she should have a clue that I'm not going anywhere no matter how bad it gets.

I am very anxious because he is going to have one of his old kidney's removed next month. One doctor is saying that it is cancerous, the other doctor isn't saying anything. He's been through so much and so much pain I don't want to deal with the family garbage all over again. It takes too much away from me trying to help him heal. He's promised me he won't say much about the surgery to them, even the hospital has told us to only tell his mom what she needs to know on a need to know basis because of the chaos she created in the hospital. Our daughter and her husband have just moved out west, her job took them there and we just found out she's expecting. She's been my sounding board in the past, but I won't do that to her now.

I like the idea of taking off for the weekend, the only problem with that is our financial situation. But, he will be going to breakfast with a friend of his tomorrow and I'll use that time (they are out most of the day when they get together) to try and recharge my batteries.

I apologize that this is so long, I'm very unsure of where I stand I guess and I just want peace especially with what awaits us going forward.

 I've said in the past that I need to post here more, I always feel better after, but then I feel guilty about bothering people so I don't. I need to direct more toward this board, because everyone here goes through the same thing we do in one way or another.

Truly thank you for the ideas and thank you for letting me go on like this.

[Inara]

Kitty Cat, I can understand how you must feel.  I saw my ex-husband through liver failure and eventually a liver transplant.  According to his family, I did everything wrong.  The snide comments, the rolling eyes, the "why did you do this instead of that".....

My daughter was 6 years old at the time and I was working 2 jobs to support us.  I did the best I could, but it was never enough for those people.  I finally just snapped and put my foot down.  I'm a very kind and forgiving person, but I'd had enough.  It went down like this:  he was 6 months post-transplant and released to go back to work, but chose to sit his happy a$$ in bed instead and watch "Judge Judy" all day. 

His family came and gathered around the bed, as usual, and his sister said, "Why aren't you leaving him a pitcher of ice water by the bed?  Do you expect him to walk to the kitchen every time he gets thirsty?"  (Ummm, yeah....he's not an invalid....he's just lazy!)

Long story short, I told them all off and to get the eff out of my house until they could show me some respect.  They disappeared for a couple of weeks, then each and every one of them apologized to me. 

My advice is to put your foot down with them.  You've proven you're a great wife and you deserve some respect.  If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will.

Just my two cents....you do whatever you think is right.  Every situation is different. 

[monrein]

Kitty Cat, I want to reassure you that you do NOT go on too long.  Not at all. In fact as you write about the nuances of your particular situation it helps me to more fully know what you are dealing with and you don't bother us because we use this board in the same way...to vent, to be heard, to gain understanding or ideas from others etc.  Another thing about this roller coaster we're on is that moods and how we cope, feel or think can be radically different from one day to the next.  If someone doesn't have time to read what you write, they won't read it but I can absolutely assure you that some will read every word, some will reply at length, some might just offer a hug or an indication of support.
Keep on posting and BTW I think you're on the right track about not coddling your husband more than is necessary.  Your relationship is far different that the ones he has with medical staff and you need to remain as normal as possible, while understanding the tiredness and other issues that can accompany this illness of course.  Joking is always good to alleviate stress and you don't need to spend any money to get away to a library, park, mall or whatever by yourself or with a friend.  You NEED your own life too or resentment can get out of hand.   

[Kitty Cat]

Thank you all. I did put my foot down once, I explained to my MIL that of all the people I knew, I expected her to be there for me more so because my husband's dad had the same disease but back then they didn't know what to call it. I really and truly thought she would be my one source of understanding at the very least, but I've been told that it is my "duty" to stand by my husband's side. When I stood up to her and spoke my mind things quieted down for about 6-7 months, but now they are starting to wind up again. I've never asked for them to help. I've known they won't be there so I don't waste my breath. Maybe I need to shake things up again.

I refuse to coddle him, if he needs help, he will ask, otherwise things go on as usual. He has days that his back hurts so bad, I won't hesitate to jump in and make sure he has what he needs. That's very rare though. Somebody has been laying a guilt trip on him about him not working. His doctor forced him to leave work in 2004 because of how this illness has taken over his body. He's been out looking for a job, thankfully nobody has wanted to hire him. If I find out that his family is behind this, I won't have a problem telling them to get out of our personal business.

Joking works occasionally, I've always been a class clown so that's unavoidable. I like the idea about the library, I hadn't even thought about that..excellent ideas. Plus, I just remembered, we've passed Labor Day so the state park we live near isn't charging entrance anymore so I can take my dog hiking again. That is one of my most favorite things to do....I sense a plan coming on!! 

[Inara]

Good for you!!! 

Monrein is right (as always  ) about long posts....we care and read every word.  No need to apologize.  I've posted a few long ones myself.  We're here for you!!!

The library is an excellent choice.  It's cheap, quiet, and peaceful.  I go every chance I get.  I'd also recommend that you start a small "cookie jar" savings for yourself....that way, when you need to get away, even for a night, you can take off for a couple of day just to get some "me time".  Lol....I've been known to go away for the weekend 20 minutes from my own house! 

[willieandwinnie]

  Kitty Cat. There isn't one caregiver here that hasn't been in your shoes. I spent 6 months to the day beside my husband in hospitals and did everything for him, and I mean everything. I am scared to death of needles but I went through 10 weeks of training to do his hemo at home. I was in it alone and did reach the breaking point a few times. Tell them like it is and ask them if they want to take care of him 24/7 so you can sit and catch your breath. Oh Lord do I know how you feel, somedays it is just too much. I have been taking walks around our neighborhood and going and sitting in the park with a book and my coffee. Everyone here will tell you that you have to take care of the caregiver or you will get burned out. I didn't mean to turn this into a personal  but please find time for yourself, somehow. You need to come here often and just let your feelings out, we have broad shoulders and are good listeners. 

[Jean]

Yes, KittyCat, I have been in exactly the same situation. 6 months each time, however, by the second time, I was a little bit smarter, and did not tell any of his damned family. The first time, I truly felt like Cinderella. I did everything, and all I got was criticism from his family, His sisters wanted to come over and bathe him, imagine that one. But, I got thru it, and you will too, you are a strong woman. Also, BTW, I never left thehouse unless I had to and amazingly enough when the sisters all found out that he would not allow them to bathe him or shave him, they all backed off, so  for us and, Phooey on them. Keep your chin up girl, you will be okay.

[Kitty Cat]

Thanks everybody. I'm feeling more positive today. I just wish I didn't let these dipsticks get to me the way I do. It's been unbelievably rainy here so I've been working on things around here by myself and it's actually rejuvenating me. I think my hubby is in the shed as the house is very quiet and the dog is laying at my feet, but the break is nice.

Please don't get me wrong and I don't think you do, as you've all said, sometimes it just gets so overwhelming that it just all feels like it's coming down fast. With people criticizing me on top of it, that just amplifies everything.

Here is a good giggle that you may appreciate. My daughter just called, they are now living in Tornado Alley. So, me being a New Englander with little to no experience of tornados hears this siren behind her. I ask her what it is and she tells me it's the tornado siren. I panic and ask her how far she is from the building, she says she's across the parking lot, a pretty good distance. I'm now telling her to hurry up and get back to the building. She's laughing at me. It turns out that the siren is the normal Saturday noon testing. So she who now is used to all this is really laughing at me who has absolutely no clue.

But after talking to her, things are good, but I don't tell her what is happening, they are still her family too and I don't want any kind of resentment or her feeling like she has to defend me. Worst comes to worst, she'll hear about it from somebody else if I snap and tell them all to jump off a building.

This afternoon's plans are, popping in a DVD movie and working on my cross stitch that I may possibly have done in time for Christmas. Relaxing and fun.

I appreciate what all of you have told me and have taken it to heart. I have the site bookmarked again where I'll see it every morning before I get ready for work (or after work). In the end it will all work out, it always does but the road is a definite experience.