*WARNING* rant about potential donor dragging feet

[adairpete]

First of all, I hope I don't come across sounding like an ungrateful bitch compaining about a potential living donor when so many are waiting for years on a list.  I have so many conflicting emotions about this whole thing but here's the situation.  I have a mother, father, an older brother, and a younger brother.  My kidney failure is caused by an inherited disease, which my father and older brother have as well (so they're out of the running as donors).  My kidney function has been on the decline for years (I'm 28 now and have known about this disease since I was 9) and my younger brother, Andy, has always said that he'd give me his kidney when the time came.  A very noble and heroic sentiment but one that was always "down the road."  In the past 2 months my creatinine went from 2.8 to 3.3 and bloodwork on what it is now is due tomorrow.  Physically, I feel worse-tired and nausea/vomitting being the chief complaints-so I'm not expecting good news.  I have been referred to a transplant center and have been deemed healthy enough to do the transplant surgery but was also told that my kidneys will need to be removed (they're full of stones and prone to infection).  Having a living donor is great because I can schedule the dual nephrectomy, go on dialysis for a short time and then do the transplant (or do both surgeries at once, which I don't really want to do).  Without a living donor when my kidneys go down for the count they'll remove my kidneys and I'd be on dialysis until a donor is found, which as most of you are well aware could be quite some time.  My mom is the same blood type as me and is willing to donate as well, but because of her age whether she's healthy enough is a concern.  Also, when I found out how long the recovery time is for the donor I thought Andy would have to decline for that reason and told him that we should start the testing on mom first and go to him as a back-up.  He seemed genuinely offended at that as he wanted to be the donor and reassured me that he had paid leave for up to 12 weeks he could take at his job. 

I gave Andy the donor coordinator info whom he called and was sent paperwork to fill out to start the whole testing process.  That was over a month ago.  He lives 45 min away and we're close, but lately he's been very dodgy on the phone and hasn't filled out the paperwork (which is 3 pages long) and last time he would talk with me about it he couldn't even find the paperwork!  To top it all off, he's moving from Oregon to Colorado next week, which is going to make the medical testing part of the process much harder (the Rocky Mtns are going to be between him and the nearest testing center).  I'm getting the feeling that now that donation is looking likely I'm afraid he's going to back out.  I was afraid that he might be nervous about the process and mailed a whole packet of info-from the transplant center and a chapter from the book Organ Tranpslants by Robert Finn a couple weeks ago.  I also included a letter I wrote thanking him for volunteering to be my donor, how much it means to me, but if he didn't feel comfortable for any reason that was all right, too.  I sincerely don't want him to feel like he has to donate.  Like the family would hate him if he didn't.  I wanted to give him as much info as I could so he would know what he was getting into, hoping that would ease any fears he had (or scare him off, I don't know). 

I've talked to him a few times in the last week but did not bring up anything kidney as he tends to find a reason to end the conversation quickly if I do.  My mom and I are going up this weekend to help him pack and load a U-haul so I want to nail him down one way or the other about him donating.  I feel like a horrible person for getting upset about this, but if he wants to be the donor I want him to get on the ball.  My insurance will only cover screening one donor at a time, so we can't do the work-up on my mom until Andy is ruled in or out.  I feel like there's a big clock hanging over my head that is ticking off the time until my kidneys go belly up and Andy's waffling is using up my time.  I would feel so much better knowing if he was willing he was a match and healthy for surgery, but if he didn't want to donate I want to know that, too, NOW!  Then I feel guilty for thinking bad things about his behavior when he is offering me a lifeline!  It's very confusing!  My boyfriend is upset, too, and has offered to "talk" with Andy, but I don't think they type of talking  he has in mind will help. 

I'm sorry to rant-but it makes me feel better and you guys are a great sounding board.  I should know something by the end of the weekend but am risking sounding like a greedy organ-snatcher to a loved one who may tell me to go stuff it. 








EDITED:Moved to transplant stories section-kitkatz,Moderator

[Wenchie58]

In my never humble, opinion your frustration is justified.  Your brother may have made the offer thinking the time would never come.  He may have outside influences (sig other, wife, gf).  He may be scared to death!  An open and frank conversation needs to happen and I think it needs to start with I will love you no matter what.  I am a recent transplant patient.  I am one of eleven children. NO ONE stepped forward with an offer.  I hold no grudges, they all have to live their lives.
  Have a talk, feel no guilt, get the answer you need and then take each day as it comes.  You will be in my thoughts.  I will be thinking positive.
Vicki

[adairpete]

Thanks for your support, Vicki, I do need to have a frank conversation with him, but it makes me feel guilty but like my boyfriend says, too, I need to get over that.  I've always been the "helper" sibling of the family and asking for help (especially for something so big) doesn't come easy for me.  I'll man up this weekend, though, and see where Andy's at with donating.  He does have a wife and he could be getting pressure one way or the other from her, too, I don't know how she feels about him being a donor. 

[pelagia]

Is it possible that his avoidance is his way of telling you that he does not feel comfortable about being a donor?  Has he been to the livingdonorsonline.org website?  He can make contact with living donors there.  I don't see what's to be gained by pushing him.  He knows your need and he knows where to find you.  Any living donor should be fulling willing and comfortable with the idea of donating.

[Lucinda]

Hey Darling....I agree with Pelagia and Wenchie - they both make good points.  I have had several offers of a kidney and I now know instinctively which ones I could depend on and which I couldn't.  Your brother probably thought it was way in the future but he has to be fair to you if hehas changed his mind.  Just tell him as plainly as you have said it here....If you don't want to do it I need to know now so I can go forward with getting Mum tested. Let him know that there will be no hard feelings if he has changed his mind but for your own sanity you would like to move forward so he needs to let you know where his head is at.  I wish you all the best and I look forward to reading more of your posts. Good luck sweetie. xx

[RichardMEL]

It is a very delicate situation you are in.

It sounds like the idea and notion of doing the "right" thing and donating to you is fine but the reality has hit and suddenly it's not an idea anymore but right around the corner. I sort of faced a similar situation with my sister a couple of years ago. She had indicated she wanted to donate but never said much about it, and down here we have been told to NOT pressure a potential donor - it must be their decision to come forward and be tested - so I was very wary about the subject and tried to not bring it up though obviously she was seeing me on dialysis, even came a few times and saw me needled etc so saw the reality of how much it sucked and how it was affecting my life.

Anyway about a year or so later my brother put his hand up and got tested but was no match and so was rejected... I think that got her into gear (perhaps she felt guilty that our brother had volunteered and she hadn't) so she actually got involved and got tested. Unfortunately she was knocked back at the last hurdle due to a minor raised blood pressure which they were concerned about. Still I can't complain because in the end she did the right thing.

I think as frustrating as it is for you the best thing you can do is be quiet about it. You've sent him all the info, and a beautiful letter saying how you feel (great idea and thought!) he has to work through the issues in his own time and decide what works for him. It would be disappointing for sure if he has been saying he wants to but decides not to, or seems uncertain at this point now that it is a reality more than a notion, but as you said yourself if he's at all even remotely uncomfortable he shouldn't be doing it (and this may even come out in the psych test anyway if he gets that far). The last thing he needs is more pressure I feel because that might make him feel more uncomfortable and less willing to come to the party.

So I think as frustrating as it is the best thing you can do is hold your horses and just let him work through this on his own terms. Who knows, if you're on the list you might get an offer in the meantime. Here's hoping!!!

Still, I hope he is spending this holiday time thinking things through and coming to his own decision and you can be informed one way or the other. I imagine that is the hardest thing for you just not knowing where he is at. I know if it was me I'd rather be told if he wasn't interested so at least I'd know.

Hang in there.. whatever is meant to happen will happen.  

(oh and no, I do not support your boyfriend "having a talk" with him. That will just put more undue pressure on the poor guy. Donation should be an act of giving not something you should feel pressured into - even if you had indicated you want to do it earlier. Sometimes it's easy to say you want to do something when it's not "real" to you... but when it comes time for action... well... sometimes the men are sorted from the boys as it were. Having the bf do the "heavy" on him won't help things at all that I can see).

So hang in there ok???

 

[Meinuk]

Wow.  I understand your anger and feeling that he owes you, but I have to say, step back, forget that he is your brother and all of the emotional baggage that goes with having siblings and look at him as a person.  He may indeed be having second thoughts.  Now is not the time to get angry and force him to do anything.  Now is the time to take care of yourself and be proactive. Go through the work up and get yourself on the list ASAP.   (You may never need to receive a deceased donor kidney, but it is a great insurance policy.)

We feel your pain -literally, and everyone posting above this post has had good advice.  Ranting is a huge part of IHD, and sharing that frustration helps others to come to terms with their own frustrations.  But at the end of the day, it is your body, your CKD journey and you need to cover all of your bases.

I hope that it all works out, your brother comes around, is a match and all goes smoothly - just remember - transplant is not a cure and has its own side effects.

Epoman wrote some heartbreaking posts about his brother and transplant.  It is an amazing, tragic thread, and as hard as it is to read, it is a reminder that we all have family issues.  http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1588.0

WARNING USE OF VULGAR LANGUAGE

Here is a little INFO before the MAIN story:

My brother and I are 10 years apart, he is married and I am married so we have that in common and we both like playing video games online against each other. When he was younger I was already married but I included him in things like going to amusement parks, movies, just hanging out. We have had our problems but they were me just being a big brother, for example I fought hard to get him away from this one girl who was using him hardcore and treating him literally like shit. Well I finally succeeded and he is in now love with the woman of his dreams who treats him great and he is happily married. My mother is a crazy woman, literally who....well just to give you an idea of the mentality of my mother, she thinks that my son is not her grandchild because I am not her daughter, yes you read that right read it again slowly. My mother has not worked in 15 years and lives...actually I have no idea where she lives, my brother and I only hear from her when she needs to "borrow" money. My dad and her are divorced. So to get back to my brother and I we don't have the closes relationship but we do have a relationship, we talk on the phone a lot and we go out once in a while.

Here is the story/rant:

I always knew the "answer" but I just never asked, WELL I DID and.. It's p*cked up! So as you know I have been on dialysis for 13 years straight and I have had MANY complications throughout the years, and I started dialysis when my brother was about 11 so obviously I could not get a transplant from him and so I figured he would volunteer when he was 18, I mean I assumed, well he turned 18 then 19 and nothing so I just let it go and I dropped hints throughout the years. I figured I would wait and eventually my "loving brother" would offer a kidney since he is 6' 7" 300 pounds and in PERFECT health, and has only been in the hospital one time in his life. So I would just continue to drop hints even though every time I would, he would get very serious and have a look on his face like someone shit in his "Cheerios". So again I let it go. Well now he is 23 years old and has been married for over a year and I figure what the hell he is married now and he has grown up and lived his youth, I am sure if I give him a call (don't start asking why did you call him for something so important? That's how we communicate, over the phone) and ask him and he may just do it. So I start out by asking him why he gets all serious when I start talking about my dialysis or transplants, I even joked around saying I may go to the Philippines to buy a kidney, the phone just stayed quiet. I asked him are you there and said in a voice like someone was twisting his sack, "yeah" I asked him well Josh will you give me a kidney? Again silence, I asked him what's wrong? Talk to me what's the problem are you scared? Again silence not one word out of his mouth. I said please Josh talk to me, you know all the problems I have been going through and have seen me in the hospital dozens of times, I said don't you love or care about me, I told him you know I want to live long enough to see my son grow up. AGAIN silence not one single word, not even a "sigh" I couldn't even hear him breathing. I told him JOSH please talk to me give some respect tell me something, FINALLY I get a response "I don't know what you want me to say" So after thinking to myself OK my brother is a retard, I told him I want you to say yes or no it's very simple, yes I will give you a kidney or no I don't want to. I told him Josh, I will still love you even if you say no and I won't hold it against you just tell me yes or no. AGAIN silence not one mother-freaking word came out of his mouth. So I said JOSH come on be a man and have the balls and give me enough respect to tell me YES or NO. I proceeded to explain the procedure to him like I have many times before in the past but never actually asking him for the kidney. I told him all the usual facts and risks and I went on and on. So finally after me talking for about 5 minutes, I asked him so what do you think? AGAIN SILENCE, not one word came from his mouth. I was now getting mad as all hell but I remained calm. I asked him Josh, PLEASE do I have to beg you just at least say NO then, guess what he told me? "I don't know what you want me to say" OK now I was really p*cking pissed because now either my brother is really a retard or he just does not give a shit about me and has no idea of all the shit I have gone through since he has not even been "really" chronically sick, the one time he was in the hospital it was because he had an abscess in his tooth and I even went to visit him and keep him company. So I said to him what the hell do you mean, I want you to be man enough to tell me NO if that's the answer or even tell me a "maybe" because you are unsure. I said do you have to ask mom? or Margie? (Margie is his wife) again silence but he did say yeah ask mom. OK now I know for years my mother of the year has told him to NEVER give me a kidney because I got what I deserve! She says I got what I deserved because I moved out of her house as soon as I was 18 and she was pissed, she could not let me go emotionally. So for years she drilled my brothers head not to give me a kidney. So I told him "ASK MOM" are kidding me? I told him "you are a 23 year old full grown married man, can't you make a decision on you own?" Again silence. Then I stayed silent then he said to me I got to go now. I told him p*ck JOSH at least tell me yes, no, maybe, p*ck off and die, anything just tell me something. I told him Jesus JOSH I would give you a kidney in a heartbeat, you're my brother and I love and care about you and wouldn't want you to suffer, I asked him don't you love me? I heard him say "yeah" but he said it like someone was holding an ice pick to his ear and making him say it. I then said OK so please have the decency to tell me yes or no, I told him right now Josh you have my heart pounding because I am so upset. I told him Josh If you don't want to give me a kidney I understand and I will still love you and we can forget about it, but damn it at least tell me something, talk to me we are brothers. He tells me I have to go, I'll call you later, then CLICK.........The phone went dead.  I sat there shocked, I waited a few hours and called him back and he phone just went to his voice mail. I called several times and even left voice mails and no answer. So far two days have passed and nothing, he has not called back.

I guess I always knew the answer, but I never wanted to find out. And please don't reply and make this a "oh so you now want a transplant now thread" this thread is about my brother acting the way he did. I was just exploring my options concerning the transplant.

- Epoman

[paris]

Many of us feel your same frustration.  All my kids have been tested and a couple of friends.  My centers will only test one potential donor at a time.  During the evaluation, the potential donors are given an "out".  If for any reason they have any hesitation, I would be told that they have been rejected for medical reasons.  If allows the donor to back out at any time.  It is a major "gift" and it does involve the entire donors family.  Does your brother have a wife and children?  Could his children inherit the disease?   Truly, you don't want an organ from someone who feels quilty or forced.  The evaluation process is pretty thorough and the social worker asks very pointed questions.  If the social worker feels that for any reason your brother is feeling pressured, he will be rejected.  It takes approval from everyone on the team to be accepted.  We have several living donors that are members and they would be glad to help you with any questions.   The whole process is long (well, I like instant results!)  and emotionally draining.   Keep coming here and we will help you through this journey.    

[Rerun]

It is probably his wife that has objections.  She is selfish and thinking of herself and children or future children.  You need to step back and get on the list and maybe get your Mom tested. 

Best of luck..........

[pelagia]

Let me add, too, that as the wife of a transplant recipient, I have some, albeit limited, insights regarding the ups and downs of hoping for a transplant and I am sorry that you, or anyone has to go through this.  I also know, from close experience with some of my own relatives and close friends, that some people are emotionally incapable of discussing issues relating to organ donation, just as some folks find it difficult to talk about their feelings at all.  This may be the case for your brother and may have been the case for Epoman's brother too.  I would never hold it against someone that they were unable to talk about an issue as major as this.  I would rather begin with the assumption that a person has a very deep-seated fear or emotional block before I decide that someone is selfish or uncaring.

[adairpete]

Deep down I think that even if Andy told me straight to my face that he would donate in his heart of hearts he doesn't want to go through it.  I wouldn't even want to take his kidney if he felt like he was being the slightest bit pressured to do so.  I wouldn't feel right about it and would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of donating.  I just feel so frustrated with not being in control!  I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind at the mercy of my disease.  

[Meinuk]

  I just feel so frustrated with not being in control!  I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind at the mercy of my disease.  

You are on your way to taking control.  Remember, even though you have known for a long time that your kidneys would fail, now the reality has hit.  You have every right to be angry.  The loss of renal function is a LOSS, a loss of health, livelyhood and all that you once knew was normal.  Grieve that loss, then pick yourself up, and go on living.  Because you can survive this and go on.  And as a survivor, you will be stronger and wiser and more intune with everything - because you have faced this loss head on. 

 

Anna

 Five Stages Of Grief

   1. Denial and Isolation.
      At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
   2. Anger.
      The grieving person may then be furious at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
   3. Bargaining.
      Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
   4. Depression.
      The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
   5. Acceptance.
      This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

[RichardMEL]

Deep down I think that even if Andy told me straight to my face that he would donate in his heart of hearts he doesn't want to go through it.  I wouldn't even want to take his kidney if he felt like he was being the slightest bit pressured to do so.  I wouldn't feel right about it and would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of donating.  I just feel so frustrated with not being in control!  I feel like I'm just twisting in the wind at the mercy of my disease.  

ah sweetie welcome to our world. That's how we ALL feel!!!! You're totally normal in that regard   

I totally understand your feelings regarding accepting a kidney from your brother. You BOTH have to be 100% comfortable with the donation... if one isn't then it's best to pass and wait for a cadaver donation which may even wind up being a better match.

Our thoughts are with you!
 

[paris]

Meinuk,  Posting the five stages of grief was a good idea.  It has taken me three years to get to number 5 and I am not there every day.

Adairpete,  It is such a hard position to be in.  Not being in control was one of my biggest problems.  And I am not patient.   I like quick results.  But, kidney disease is teaching me to have more patience than I thought I had.  I wish you didn't have to deal with any of this.  You are among friends and we can feel your pain.   

[kellyt]

adairpete, I had that same frustration with my 2nd donor (brother), but I came to realize in my situation that it was totally selfish in MY part.  From the get go both my brothers were on board with testing.  My 1st brother tested in Feb and he was denied.  My 2nd brother immediately said "Who do I call?"  I gave him the # and he called right away.  Then when I asked when he would be admitted for testing he gave me like three weeks away.  I thought the hospital must be crazy busy.  Come to find out he went ahead and scheduled a trip to Vegas.  I was mad, but really had no reason to be.  I think your situation is much different than mine and you have every right to question his actions.  I agree that he might be getting 3rd party suggestions that are keeping him from being honest with you.  Good Luck!  Keep us posted!

It's a very frustrating process!!!  I feel for you!

[RichardMEL]

Let's say it is his wife who is maybe suggesting no - and she has her own fears and a vested interest to be mindful of - that sort of thing could really be pulling Andy every which way - his obligation/promise/desire to his sister vs. his wife(or whoever) and he perhaps feels stuck in the middle. That wouldn't be much fun but may explain his sort of being in limbo and being noncomital to you. That's frustrating obviously but kelly has a point that in a way it is selfish to expect him to drop everything and get on with it because it's what you want. If I was going to have that "frank" discussion with him that you were suggesting I'd want to make it clear that it's not about what I want/need but it should be about where he is at and what he is happy and comfortable with (and as others have said, if he's not, the psych test will probably uncover it - so might as well face it now). If he is feeling torn between multiple feelings of obligation that's something he has to resolve for himself but a decision he has to feel 100% positive about. I would NOT push for anything in that regards - he probably already feels under a ton of pressure as it is. Also remember how you feel in regards to potentially receiving a donation from him - that's important to. I know you want it bad. Dialysis sucks and all that but I wouldn't want ti if it causes any kind of friction between you.

[okarol]

I read posts everyday on www.livingdonorsonline.org (great support for living donors, AND a good place to visit even if you're a potential recipient from a living donor.) If a donor is determined to make it a donation happen, nothing stands in their way. Living donors go through a variety of emotions, fears and that's normal. Living donation is a big deal, and there are many steps, obstacles and tests to overcome. In my opinion, you should do all you can to get listed and keep an open mind to the idea that perhaps your brother is not up to this task.  If he wants to get tested he will. The last thing you want is to make him feel guilty or obliged to donate. I know it's hard. I still have a bit of resentment to the family members who wouldn't even ASK how Jenna was doing, forget about being tested. I wish you all the best.
 

[adairpete]

Thanks everybody for your feedback!   
I feel better now about what and how I'm going to broach the subject with him.  If he has any hesitations at all about donating I'm going to tell him that I have other options and not consider him at all (I'll say way more tactfully and nicely than that, of course).  If he has second thoughts they're going to uncover them and I really just want to know now what his feelings are.  One thing that a couple people touched on that I hadn't given any thought to was what Andy's wife thinks of him donating.  My other brother's wife has volunteered to give me her kidney (she's not the right blood type, though) but Andy's wife hasn't said a word on the subject.  So Andy could very well be getting conflicting influence from his wife and the rest of the family.  I feel for him, I just need to know for the sake of my own sanity how HE really feels.  The good part is that my mom is willing to donate.  She has a couple medical concerns-acid reflux disease and a history of high cholesterol-but she's very eager about getting tested.  Does anyone know if high cholesterol rules someone out for donation? 

[RichardMEL]

The main criteria with the donation criteria is that they do no harm to the donor as well as the recipient... so if they feel that donating will cause issues with her high cholesterol or anything else then they will deny it. I don't know for certain if that is a show stopper but it may be... it's really up to the transplant team doing the evaluation.

Yes I think it is important you know how your brother feels. Absolutely! However you may not get the answer you seek. He simply may be so torn that he can't give you a definite answer (which is so difficult I know!) because he may still be working out how HE feels and only he can work that out in his time.

I think the way I would approach the situation if I was in your shoes is to just tell him that you feel like you're in a bit of limbo given how he had made a promise but you feel he's been noncomittal in recent times and while you don't want to pressure him for a yes or a no you want to know where he is at. He may come back with an honest no (as in her's uncomfortable or whatever) or more likely I feel he will come back with "I don't know" which suggests he's facing issues from his wife or others. In THAT case I'd tell him to just not sweat it and let it go. If he decides on his own this is something HE really wants to do he knows who to contact if and when he's ready. In the meantime he's clearly not going to be ready and will most likely be rejected anyway on the psych test and just pushing someone isn't going to help anyone.. so if he says "I don't know" then you need to accept that and pretty much mark it as a "no" for now (sorry!) and move on. You can't spend your time worrying about if's and maybe's. Get yourself on that transplant list and wait for that call. He may decide that it's important to him and he wants to (but then again if he's moving to CO he won't actually SEE you haviing to deal with the every day effects of ESRD so it will be all a bit remote to him) and if he does then fine.. he can get himself tested... if not.. you just have to try and move on despite what promises he has made in the passt... and try to not hold it against him. Giving up one of your organs is a serious matter and not something to be decided instantly.. specially if he is considering having a family and concerns about the genetic disorder perhaps causing issues....

hang in there!!!

 

[monrein]

Others have said much of what I would have to say about your situation.  I completely understand your frustration at the lack of clarity from your brother.  Unfortunately this entire living donor thing is fraught with uncertainty and many people are simply unable to express thoughts that are difficult to hear or that might hurt others, even unintentionally.  Your brother sounds torn IMO and is using avoidance to not have to speak of tough truths.  I would try, as hard as it might be, to leave him aside as a potential donor and look to exploring other options for the sake of your own peace of mind and also for the sake of your relationship with him.  When you talk with him you can say that his silence has spoken loudly to you and you understand his ambivalence.  Donation isn't easy, even for the determined.  With less pressure he might step up or not.  You can't change that.
I wish you the best and please let us know how things go for you.
 

[kellyt]

My 2nd brother was denied due to borderline high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  It may have mainly been the high blood pressure, but they did list the cholesterol as a reason for denial.

When my sister-in-law told my husband that she wanted to be tested one of the first questions he asked her was "How does your husband feel about this?"  At that time she said they hadn't really discussed it.  She mentioned it to him, but he might have just blown her off.  I wasn't there at the time, but I think she might have been drunk when she first approached my husband about testing (they were having a graduation party for her son   ).  No one really took her serious (not even me when he told me).  However, she called me the next day and asked for the coordinator's number and it went from there.  My husband personally talked to her husband and he was fine with it after he talked in depth with my sis-in-law.  His questions were "Did I ask her to donate", "Does she expect anything in return", etc.  All great questions!  I gave her this site, as well as www.livingdonors.com to check out.  I told her she would fine both pros and cons to donating on both sites and she needed to research it thoroughly.  I'm not sure she did or not, but she was determined to donate (Lucky me!!!  )

Anyway, we heard that over the last week or so she had lunch with her Mother (whom we do not talk to - long story) and her Mother (my husband's Mother) asked her if we were paying her.  See?  That's why we don't talk to her.  When Irene told her no I'm sure his Mother said something like "They're cheap or stingy".              Not worth the time to explain the law to her.  She wouldn't understand it anyway.

Although I'm all for some sort of compensation to donors, I do feel that donation must first and foremost come from the heart and soul.  If she's ever in need we'll be the first to step up.

I hope things get easier for you.  He's struggling with his decision.  Try to make it easier for him by suggesting these sites and he might be able to get through it.  I'm sure his wife's fears and thoughts are playing a huge role, as they should to some degree.