A long overdue rant for me.....

[Kitty Cat]

Wow. I've been away for so very long, my husband has had a horrific year and I'm shocked he still plods along the way he does. As I write this, he's in the hospital yet again. He hasn't been home for 10 whole days since the beginning of July, I can't even remember how many surgeries he's had, we have another one pending as soon as the pancreatitis (not sure if that's the correct word, his pancreas is highly irritated because too much was taken off in dialysis) eases off.

For those who remember me, you'll remember I've had some difficulty dealing with the surgeries and hospital stays. He's so weak now that it tears my heart out. I don't know what to do or how to help him. There is absolutely no family support whatsoever. If anything I have nothing but pure aggravation from his family. They've been through this with his dad when he passed in 1983 so why can't they show some support. Most times I feel like I"m at the end of my rope because of this. I've actually been told it's my duty to take care of him. My husband told his mom that it would be nice if she called me or took me out to lunch just for me to have some down time. She called our daughter the very next day and took her out to lunch. I have to laugh about it or I'd just melt from it. We have friends who I can count on with my heart and soul. These are the people who matter most in our lives. They are the ones who will take time out of their lives to sit with my husband and make him feel like a human. I am so tired of how people treat him like he has the plague. His closest friends all walked out of his life. He's the same loving person, just with an illness that he didn't choose.

My whole life is consumed, I'm not complaining, I would do anything on earth for him, we celebrated our 25th anniversary in August, while he was in the hospital. I go to work, come home and night, doing what I have to do here. I hate how his family only wants to be part of his life while he's in the hospital. They have jobs where they CAN take time during the day once in a while just to take him to Dunkin Donuts for a soda or something. He's confined to the house and for him it's horrible, as it is for anybody.

I am babbling, but I am having such a hard time today coping. It happens once in a while. I know at some point he's going to lose this battle. I keep hoping it's later than sooner. I know he has a very tired Guardian Angel and I do consider him Blessed. I'm just feeling the whole picture today and it is so very heartbreaking. It's so difficult to talk to him because he's so heavily sedated and I think that's why I'm having such a difficult time because I've never seen him like this. His doctor told me they need to get him into surgery ASAP because he has an infection from a synthetic fistula that failed before it ever had a chance. With him this weak, it truly scares me. His potassium was too high, now it's okay, but his calcium is again dangerously low. It's never ending.

I apologize, I know I don't have it as bad as some but today it just feels like the end of the world.

[monrein]

Oh KC I feel so badly that things are so rough for you and of course your husband.  Being a care giver is a tough and often thankless job, not that anyone is looking for thanks I know.  We all do need to be reminded occasionally that what we're doing is noticed and appreciated.  Your in laws sound really insensitive to what your life is like right now and as you said they ought to know what it's like since they recently went through it.
Please know however that here we very much care and you can rant any time for as much as you need to. 
Hugs and strength I'm sending your way and healing thoughts to your husband.

[pelagia]

KC, sorry to hear about all you have to deal with and your husband's deteriorating health.  It's sad that your mother-in-law and other family members aren't offering more support.  I hope you can find a little bit of time for yourself.   If nothing else, please try to come back to IHD more often.  There are so many folks here who understand what you are going through and you might feel better just unloading some of the weight.   

[del]

Kitty Cat the sad part about it is that when it comes down to the crunch a lot of families aren't very supportive. Mine is not supportive at all and hubby's is not very supportive.  he is very healthy now but I know that if he ever gets sick I am on my own.  I was 8 years ago when he was really sick when PD stopped working. Luckily we had good friends for support.

Kitty Cat we are all here to support you so rant whenever you want!! 

[Sluff]

Kitty cat, this is the reason why we are here. We are not here just for the funny threads or the jokes, we are here when members feel isolated whether you are the ESRD patient or caretaker. We know exactly how you feel. It's a tough job to hold it all in sometimes. Rant all you need to and please know that we feel your fear and we understand, although we can't be there physically this is the next best thing. Wish there was more I could do but i will definitely hold you in my prayers for comfort in these uncertain times and for a successful surgery for your husband. 

[G-Ma]

Please do know you can come here and vent all you need...we all have broad shoulders...we have to, to deal with this and help each other.
 

[paris]

I am glad you came here today and shared your burden.  I think many of us relate to friends and family not stepping up when they are most needed.  I am sorry you are both dealing with all of this.   When things get too hard, remember that we are all here, ready to give you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.   Lots of prayers for you and your husband.   

[annabanana]

  I understand.

[willieandwinnie]

Oh KC I feel so badly that things are so rough for you and of course your husband.  Being a care giver is a tough and often thankless job, not that anyone is looking for thanks I know.  We all do need to be reminded occasionally that what we're doing is noticed and appreciated.  Your in laws sound really insensitive to what your life is like right now and as you said they ought to know what it's like since they recently went through it.
Please know however that here we very much care and you can rant any time for as much as you need to. 
Hugs and strength I'm sending your way and healing thoughts to your husband.

What monrein said. 

[TynyWonder]

KC,

I know you said you may not have it as bad as some but even tho you *may* not have it as bad as some, your feelings are still YOUR feelings and you are allowed to feel them, vent them, rant & rave if you want or need too.   I am not a caregiver but at the beginning of my diagnosis of ESRD, I too, felt all I had were my friends, my co-workers and that feeling is a very lonely feeling.    However, I have since moved to another state to be close to some family but anyways, that is off topic but I just wanted to let you know that, like everyone else said come anytime you need too.   

[2_DallasCowboys]

KittyCat,

Please know that many of us here know what you are going thru.

I am sending prayers and good thoughts your way, and your hubby's.

Caretaking is a stressful and exausting job!  I think only those who

actually are doing it can relate to it.

Anne

[Kitty Cat]

Thank you all so very much. Your posts have been a bright spot in my week. I'm holding on, my honey had surgery today and did wonderfully! The doc said they are looking to send him home hopefully tomorrow. The infection in his arm wasn't as bad as they thought.  Just speaking with him, he sounds amazing, stronger than he has in a while.

I think my problem is I try not to upset anybody and keep everything in. Sometimes it works, this time it didn't. When everything comes crashing down the way it has this past weekend I just can't figure which is up or down.

It's now been 8 years since his first diagnosis with his kidneys and a failed transplant in 2005. It's been a trip and number of life lessons. We've learned to appreciate everything and every second.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and prayers. It truly makes all the difference in the world. I have no idea why I've stayed away so long, I'm certainly going to try to stay put for awhile! You guys are the absolute best. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

[Mizar]

Kitty Cat......
Rant, Rave, Kick and Scream, this is an Awful Disease. It affects everyone in the Home.
My Husband and I moved to Our Dream State, almost Three Years Ago. Eight Months after we Arrived he suffered an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm, that was Leakiing. He almost lost his Life. Last Dec. 15, He had a Seizure and was in Complete Kidney Failure. I was told He probably would not last the Night. We are alll alone here.
Our Family Members, live Hundreds to Thousands of Milles away. We have a few Friends here, but they always seem to busy. Our Family Members, don't seem to get the seriousness of this Situation. Maybe if they came to this Site, they would. I know the, Dialysis, the Sleeping, the too Tired and Sick to go anywhere. I know the Hospital trips. Mine were Thirty Miles away, by Myself, sometimes Twice a Day, for Six Weeks. I also know it's Okay to feel Angry, it's Okay to feel Frustrated and it's Okay to feel Sad.  Thank God for this Site, where Patients and Caregivers, can be Honest and not Judged, by Their Words or Thoughts. If we lived nearby, I would take you to Lunch!

[paris]

Kitty Cat, we need you and you need us.  It is a good relationship!  I am so glad you posted and updated us.  Don't stay away so long. This is a good place to release steam.  Take care of yourself, too.