You Can Pick Your Friends

[meadowlandsnj]

but you can't pick your family.
I have a family member who is driving me nuts--she's usually a know it all, very opinionated, obnoxious.  Anyway--I had mentioned something about dialysis the other day and she proclaimed to me she knew more abouit it than I did......she claims she talks to people at her job (she's a waitress) and they tell her the "truth" about it  I had mentioned that sometimes the nurses go over the charts with a patient they yell acroos the room the meds they're on.  One day a nurse mentioned Viagra.  I had told her this story and she said men on dialysis do not have sex and I told her it depends on the man and the situation.  She said I was full of ca ca and she knows different than me because she knows more about dialysis than me because her friends at her diner told her different.  This is a woman who goes to ten different psychics and pays outrageous sums of money to these people--she's a bigot and ignorant.  She uses the N word all the time and calls people names about how they look--her biggest one is dyke looking.  I KNOW she's an A-hole and I KNOW I shouldn't pay attention but she gets right under my skin.  Especially about the dialysis part.  She thinks I'm just lazy when I'm tired and I'm sure she gives other family members an earful about me and my faults00it's like she hates me or something, she's so rude to me and screams at me for no reason.  She lives two doors down from me also.  My mother knows all of this but she won't stick up for me and that hurts.  My aunt says the most outrageous things sometimes--she insults everyone and she
's just a miserable person. She makes me feel like a burden, she insinuates my parents shouldn't be helping me or dialysis isn't bad at all.  She once tolds me she'd love to stya home and collect a check and sit in a chair for 4 hours and loose 5 pounds! I've always worked and when I wasn't working I took care of her kids. Also when her kids were little I practically was with them every day taking care of them.  They had no other babysitter and I practically had them all my free time taking them places and spending time with them.  Another thing that hurts is that they all have their own lives now but they never call or see if I need anything.  I feel really miserable about it--I don't want or need their help right now but a phone call might be nice every npw and then.  But when they want to borrow money who's the person they go to???  I stopped that a while ago though.
How do you handle toxic people like her?  I can't act ilike her and be nasty, I mostl;y feel like a jerk when she says something stupid and I don't reply back because I know how mad and nasty she can be.  My mother says be like her and let it go in one ear and out the other but it's hard.  My mother doesn't trust her or hold anything she says as true but why doesn't she at least tell her to lay off??  The nest time she says somethng to me I'm going to say to her maybe next time at dialysis I'll have a heart attack and die then you won't have anything to say about me and I won't be a burden to anyone.  I know she's miserable and mean hearted but why does it bother me so much? 

Donna

[monrein]

Oh Donna, what a colossal pain.  I think it gets to you because it's NOT FAIR how she treats you (or other people for that matter) and it sounds as though she knows exactly how to press your buttons on the issues that can be worrisome to so many of us.  Like being a burden, like being misunderstood about what we're really going through and like people thinking we're lazy when of course we're not. We're just ill. She sounds like a very unhappy person who may be trying to make herself feel better by putting others down so she can look better in her own eyes. 

She does sound toxic and you for sure don't want to become like her even to mess with her head.  It would take too much of your precious energy which should be put to much better use like doing things or being with people who can lift your mood, not sour it.

Your Mom has probably figured out through her own experiences that it isn't worth it to argue with her because she gets mad and nasty as you said.  I would try to limit my contact with her and keep it really superficial.  If she says some stupidness about dialysis (like the all men and sex for example) you could say "Well that's not what the medical people say but since you have your mind made up I guess there's nothing I can tell you" but you have to be mentally prepared to KNOW that you're never going to win with her.  You could also print out articles on kidney disease and  give them to her but even all that might just be fighting a losing battle.  She sounds like she wants to be right all the time and she's probably that way with her pals at work too.

I'm so sorry that you have this added to your burden of ESRD and the hardest part is that because she's family AND lives so close by, you can't just cut her right out of your life.  You can try though to put up a bit of a protective shield around yourself and when you have to see her keep reminding yourself that her nastiness WILL NOT penetrate and hurt your already bruised feelings.  Keep it light and don't engage in dialysis discussions with her.  I know that this is all very easy for me to say and I know that sometimes toxic family members can turn the most mature of us into temporary two year olds.  Keep on trying, as you already are to not give her that kind of power over you.
 

[Chris]

Closest thing I can think of, duct tape, a chair, no food, nothing to drink and have her taped into the chair for a couple days to see how she feels. To bad we can't put a cathether in her so she could get a sample of what it feels. But in reality, she needs to go to a dialysis unit and see actual people on the machine pre and post dialysis. She should alsoread up, but I doubt that will happen by the way you describe her. Bad enough your parents don't stick up for you. Another thought is not to be passive, but aggressive. Don't just roll your eyes at what she say's but get in her face and debate her, show your knowledge and then ask her to come with you to dialysis to see what really goes on. I doubt she will like those needles going into your arms.

People like this irritate me and makes me want to prove that they do not know it all.

[okarol]

I know it's difficult, because I have a family member almost EXACTLY as you described. My only solution is to minimize contact. And if I get stuck in her presence, and when she gets all bossy and know-it-all about something I now say "WAIT! Let's not talk about that ok? That topic is NOT open for discussion." I put my hand up, smile and get ready to walk out if I have to. Life is too short to have boneheads like her ruin my day! I have much nicer friends than family, and that's where I invest my time and emotion. So sorry you are made to feel the way you are. I am glad you can rant here! WE LOVE YOU!

[flip]

Sounds like Flo at Mel's Diner to me.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Do you own a gun, a spade and plenty of back yard space.  But seriously it's no good trying to have a reasoned debate with someone so bigoted, even if you took her with you to your centre from the way you have described her I very much doubt that she would admit she was wrong. I don't know what the answer is except to just ignore her.  I would make it obvious without being impolite or rude that you don't want any kind of conversation with her about dialysis or other wise. With all the shit we have to put up with having this condition, why the hell should we suffer fools gladly? 

[devon]

Flip's reference to Flo at Mel's Diner brought to mind that character.  While I disagree that your family member sounds like her, it made me think of her and how she might respond to this person.  "Kiss my Grits!".  You could use this expression to shut her down if you don't mind the possible confrontation.  Just respond with "Kiss my Grits!" then walk away.  That's the way Flo would have reacted.  She didn't listen to anything she didn't want to hear.  Ironically, she handled a painful situation with a comedic putdown.  It generally worked.

People who sound off like this family member are usually in search of an audience. They need someone to listen to them.  If you don't listen they'll usually shut up.  Sure they may talk about you behind your back if you shut them down, but they'll talk about anything as long as some one listens.  Stop being an audience.

Why should you "feel like a jerk" for her acting like a jerk?  You don't deserve it.  She does.  She will continue to be a jerk as long as she gets away with it.

She is obviously hurting a great deal herself and taking it out on everyone she can including you.  She's unhappy and wants everyone around her to be more unhappy than she is so she'll feel better.  But like a narcotic, it's never enough after a while.  She needs more and more.

I think you have the idea when you said, "you can pick your friends".  But you don't have to associate with anyone like this, even if they are family.  You can't chose family but you can choose who you associate with and listen to.  You need to get famliar with the expression: Talk to the hand... cause the ears aren't listening!"

I'm sorry you have to suffer such a bore but they often don't know they are bores until someone points it out.

Just tell her to Kiss my Grits and walk away.


-Devon

[KICKSTART]

If i had a £1 for everyone who thought dialysis was no big deal , i would be a millionaire !!! I think we all know someone like this ,sadly there is not much we can do about it. If you cant avoid this person , just let it go in one ear and out the other and think ..what goes around , comes around , because sooner or later it does!!! I have a  best friend who didnt want much to do with me since i started dialysis until ..her husband decided he wanted a split , then all of a sudden she remembers me .Now i take great pleasure in not being 'available' just like she treated me !!!

[Deanne]

  Your message is well-timed. I'm headed to MN to visit my family in a couple of days and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for my mom.

You'll never win any arguments with your family member, because it doesn't matter to her if she's right or wrong. In her mind, she'll always be right, so don't even try. You only frustrate yourself. I'm practicing my one-word response that a friend suggested. "huh." That's it, just that one word in a sort of wondering tone, not "huh?" like you're asking for more information. People don't know if your "huh" means "your an idiot" (which it does), or something else and while they have to shut up to think about it, you can either walk away or change the subject. You haven't actually said anything argumentative, so they can't use it as ammunition to argue against it. If they keep yammering away, just throw in another "huh." Even the most determined argumentative person will run out of steam after a few of these.

I'm planning to write it on my had as a reminder to keep my mouth shut and resist saying anything else when my mom tries to push my buttons.

[crupert]

She is what is called an "Irregular Person" - I interpret pain in the ass.  Sorry to hear you have one living right down the street and related to you, bad combination.
You have no control over what she says and does-You do have control over how you react and respond to her.  Since you are not a mean person, to respond hatefully will only raise your own blood pressure. 
I have found Proverbs 15:1 valuable - a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Of course you do have the "right" to tell her off, but it sounds like that is harmful to you and your emotional health.  BTW, I have a mother-in-law exactly like this - my husband promises she will not live forever but she is 86 so I think he's lying!
Good luck!

[kevno]

Just don't listen to her, i have a couple of know it alls in the family.  The way I deal with it, is just let them have there say. Nod once or twice. While I am thinking of something completely different. So at the end, have no idea what she as said.  Comes in useful for Doctor know alls as well. Keeps them happy if they think you are listening.

[rose1999]

Well said Kevno, that's just what I do 

[kellyt]

Reminds me of what my Mom used to tell me when I was younger. 

"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose.  But you can't pick your friends nose."

Well, I guess you can if you ask first...


 

[meadowlandsnj]

Thanks for the advice and thank for just listening to me.  I will take everyones advice and not let her get to me.  You gave me a few strategies I can use.  I especially like the HUH? one!  LOL  Keep everyone guessing!   
Last night she came over to see my mom and she started saying how if Obama is elected all women will be wearing veils and burkas next year...........................Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...........LOL  I just started laughing and walked away from her laughing.  That might be my strategy--laugh at her like a lunatic.
But seriously she has been through a lot, a failed business, a failed marriage of 25 years, she lost her house, bankruptcy twice.......all through her OWN fault in some way..Somehow, someway I do feel sorry for her.  I feel sorry for her cirsumstances but I cannot excuse her actions so I have to accept them as her way of "acting out" and blaming everyone else for her miserable life.  I can choose to let her bother me, I have the choice.  SO I choose to not let her bother me anymore.  Officially at this moment I am FREE.

Thank you
Donna

[Earlinda]

Donna it sounds like you hit the nail on the head with your thoughts.  Don't let her pain or anger at her failures ruin your day or your mood.

Earlinda

[thegrammalady]

you know you can always come here to vent. my response to anyone who has the audacity to bring up my "sitting home while the government sends me a check"  is it is not their money, i earned every cent of it after working for 40 years. sounds like you've come to a good view of it all, remember we luv ya.

[kellyt]

How are things going?  Have you figured out a way to be around your Aunt without wanting to strangle her?  Dealing with rude, know-it-all people in general is difficult, but when it's a family member it raises it to a whole other level.  They should just know how to behave.   I mean, people (including myself) have off days when they explode and say things they shouldn't.  But to have this be her regular MO, that's not acceptable.  I agree your mother should step in.  I've always hated it when I got advice staing "Ignore him/her".  "Don't let it bother you".    That's not as easy as it sounds.     

[meadowlandsnj]

The other day I saw her and she was talking to my parents and was nasty complaining about how there were too many different races and ethnic groups living around us.  So I just yawned a huge, loud yawn and said "sorry, I wasn't listening, I had a droning noise in my ear"  and she about turned purple and she didn't say anything else and went away. 

I'm dealing with it.  Slowly but surely.

Donna

[rose1999]