Need advice

[karen547]

There's a guy I know who is sick- he has lung cancer. Well awhile ago we were kind of together, but not Anymore. He seems to keep pushing me away, but I would be really upset to never see him again and find out its too late. He thinks the reason why I would be nervous to see him is because we were 'together'. That is not at all true, and I told him that I would be nervous to see him because hes sick, and I would be upset. I just would not be able to deal with him dyng and not seeing him one more time, but he keeps pushing me away, and refuses to talk about his illness, and if I bring it up he gets so angry which I can understand but still I feel like hes not thinking about how this affects me, and that hurts me.
Should I just let things go and not talk to him? Or do I keep pursuing this?

[paddbear0000]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.  In regards to your question, I think you should let it go. He needs to deal with his illness in his own way. He may not be handling it very well and just wants to be left alone. Or maybe he even has issues about you seeing him specifically because you guys were together. Obviously he doesn't want to discuss it. I would just let him work out his personal issues on his own and don't force him. He's the one who is sick and he should be worried about himself, not about your feelings.

[willieandwinnie]

I'd talk to him, but don't bring up his illness unless he does. Everybody needs somebody. 

[Deanne]

How much would you be talking to him if he *wasn't* sick?

[karen547]

I'd talk to him if he were healthy, I'm not trying to save him, just be there for him

[boxman55]

I would write him first and try and say what you want in a note or a card that way at least he knows your intentions and when you make contact with him you can start by saying "did you get my card" You would have a better understanding of where he is coming from when he responds...Boxman

[karen547]

I wrote him saying that all I'm trying to be is his friend, nothing more, and I also said that his situation cannot be avoided, I just don't understand why hes pushing me away, and acting like he doesn't care

[okarol]

Is there treatment for him? Is there a chance he can fight this cancer?
He may, in fact, care a great deal. It might be uncomfortable for him to be sick and somehow diminished in your eyes. People don't like being seen as weak or ill, and prefer to be thought of as healthy. He has a lot of emotions to deal with. It's not surprising that he cannot focus on how his actions affect other people around him. You offered support and friendship. If he needs you he will call.

[Joe Paul]

You told him you would be "nervous to see him sick and you would be upset". Probably not exactly what you wanted to say, but it was said. Might be best to let things go a while, don't crowd him on the issue 

[KICKSTART]

If you get the chance now ? I would say that you understand he needs his own space right now, but if ever he needs to talk you will be there. That way you need not feel guilty as it will be his choice if he doesnt want to see you and sadly if thats the case there is not a lot you can do about it.

[Romona]

Maybe he has a hard time being around those that he cares about. I have a harder time talking to certain close friends anf family members sometimes. Wish I knew what to tell you. 

[karen547]

I think the best thing to do is let things go- I cannot keep this up for much longer, I tell him I'm there for him but he doesn't respond, and it's not doing either of us any good, so the best thing to do is let him deal with this on his own for awhile.

[Deanne]

 

[goofynina]

What about if you just assure him if he needed to talk, you would be there to listen   

[karen547]

I have, but he seems to not take it to heart.

[goofynina]

Then, sadly to say, it is his loss, you have done all you can do Karen, i guess it is time to just let it go.  I am sure he has alot of anger also at the fact that this is happening to him, hopefully he will come around.   

[MyssAnne]

Karen, when you're faced with something like that, it's hard to take it to heart. If you have done the card bit, letting him know you are there if he wants you, you've opened the door on your side. I'd guess I would let it go for a couple of days then drop a note or some flowers or SOMETHING significant to him, that tells him you ARE thinking of him. Maybe that will open the door on HIS side. Good luck. It's a hard road for both of you.

[paris]

I kind of relate to your friend.  I really don't want to talk to people; even my best friend. I don't want to answer the phone--just want to be left alone. I know this will pass and maybe he is feeling the same way.  Life can be overwhelming and he may need time to be alone.  He must be so scared right now. Give him some time. The more people call or want to do something right now, the more I don't want to see them.   I hope he can reconnect with you, but it will be when he is ready.   We still need friends, even if we aren't being good friends ourselves.

[RichardMEL]

Karen,

Some people, when suffering with something major like Cancer or Kidney Failure can push away those closest to them - some because they don't want to "drag them down" and others because simply the anger and frustration of it all is directed at those who do try to be close - friends, family and significant others.

I would try to not take his actions personally - I am sure he doesn't mean to push you away. Dealing with his situation may be hard specially also since you were "sort of together" (whatever that means lol.. I'll take that to mean you had a close relationship at one point) - maybe part of him doesn't want you to see him when he's so sick (and if you did say it makes you nervous.. which may have been honest but perhaps could have been phrased better that would add fuel to that feeling).

I think if I were you I'd write him a note or whatever and say something like you really care about him and you want to be there for him as a friend.. if that's difficult for him then you can respect that but just let him know you are there for him to talk to, to see, to give hugs or spend time with him when you can etc. I think even the thought alone will be enough to help him.