Funny child stories

[Falkenbach]

Thought this was a good idea for a thread. I don't have any kids, but I'll start this thread off with a story about my niece.

My niece Matilda is now 9 months old. She can't walk yet, but she has worked out how to shuffle along on her bum, and apparently she's really fast at it.

The other day my sis went to pick her up from daycare and the lady said "thank god you're here, Matilda has been terrorising this boy all day!". My sister saw this boy standing in the corner, alone. And she's like "How does a 9 month old terrorise a boy who looks big enough to be 6 years old?" (apparently he was 4).

Apparently ALL DAY, every single time this boy picked up a toy, Matilda bum-shuffled over, snatched it off him and cleared off really quickly.  He was completely unable to get any of the toys back off her.

So when my sister arrived at the end of the day, here's this boy standing in the corner alone, crying, with no toys! Poor little tyke

[Rerun]

My Nephew was giving his little boy a horsey ride on his back.  We were saying "Jake, kick him, kick him"  So, Jake looked a little bewildered but he got off and started kicking him.

[Falkenbach]

Bwa ha ha ha ha haaaa! At least you can say he does what he's told.

[kitkatz]

My four year old daaghter was not feeling well and I said "Come here Danielle and let me feel your forehead."
She came over and I felt her forehead and sent her on her way. 
Then my little three year old daughter asked me: "Mama will you feel my three head." 
Of course I felt her three head and laughed the entire time!

[kitkatz]

"I was trying to find my impulse and momentem between my head and an older wooden floor. Dynamics"  This is what my daughter tells me now that she is an engineering student at MSOE in Wisconsin about the day she was sitting on our wood floor and suddenly looked up, then banged her head between her legs into the wood floor.  Then she looked up at me and said "I did not think that would hurt as bad as it did."  I asked her what in the hell was she thinking when she did it.  We still laugh to this day.

[Falkenbach]

Apparently, when my older sister was about 2 years old, my mum went into the butcher. My sister insisted that she wanted to ask the nice man for our order. So mum put her up on the rail and said "ask the butcher for 2 kilograms of Epping sausages". At the top of her voice my sister commanded "will you please give us two kilograms of effing sausages?!"

  Apparently the whole store was in stitches.

[jbeany]

An oft-repeated story in my family -
When I was 3, I was riding in the car with my 5 yr old sister, my mother, and my grandmother.  A train track ran parallel to the road we were driving on, hidden behind a bank of trees.  The train whistle blew as we passed.  My sister, not seeing the train thru the trees yelled out "Where's the train?"  My deadpan response was "On the track, dummy."   

Another one my gram never tires of -
My mother, driving with my 3 yr old sister, was pointing out things of interest in the landscape to keep sis amused.  They drove through a patch of farm county, and the only thing to point out on the roadside were cows, cows, and more cows.  My mother kept up her litany; "Look, there are some cows.  And more cows over there.  There's some more cows."  After several minutes of this, the little voice in the back seat piped up, in an inflection identical to her grandmother's usual tone, "God damn cows everyplace you look."

[thegrammalady]

one of the things i used to do every nite while putting my daughter to bed was play the "this little piggie went to market" childrens game. it way fun and she went to bed giggling. one fairly warm day she (she was about 3) she came running in from the yard in tears, wanting a bath right away. when asked why she looked at her feet, wiggled her toes and said "cause my piggies are dirty"

[vandie]

My youngest daughter was being a smarty pants when she was three years old.  I told her she needed to pick up her toys.  Her response was, "I don't want to." 
My response was, "Quite frankly, Riley, I don't care what you want."
To that her response to me was, "You be quiet Franklin."

[Ohio Buckeye]

I remember when I took my youngest boy for his very first check-up
and the nurse came out and said o the older boy almost 4. "Do you
have a new baby at your house?"  "No", he replied, "He is here".

[Falkenbach]

Bwa ha ha ha haaa, now that is my favourite thing about children. Their pure, unadulterated LOGIC. Adults lose that.

[Rerun]

The Cow story reminded me of my little nephew when he saw horses:  "Hi HO, Hi HO, Here HO, Come Here HO"

[Bill Peckham]

Here's one about a two year old who's a landlord.

A bit salty.

http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

[Rerun]

Too Funny!!

[Falkenbach]

When my sister was little, whilst driving past paddocks full of cows, she would call "look at the horsies!".

[jbeany]

The man who sits across from me at dialysis was dropped off and picked up today by his wife and 4 year old granddaughter, Katie.  He is well known for having perfect labs and almost no fluid gains at all, because his wife is so strict with his diet.  She's got it down to a science, and she's bound and determined to keep him as healthy as possible.  Apparently, it's rubbing off on the rest of the family.  When they came back to pick him up, Katie ran up to his chair, and informed him that Gramma had promised to stop for ice cream on the way home.  Grandpa said it sounded delicious.  Little Katie stamped her foot imperiously and said, "Grandpa, you have to have a salad.  No ice cream for you!"

Great - the littlest dietitian gets her wings!

[carson]

Last Christmas Robin and I were visiting his family. His niece and nephew are always competing for his attention and when the little niece didn't get her way she ran into the next room full of adults and yelled, "Uncle Robbie called me stupid!!!"
We couldn't believe it!
Little brats!

[Falkenbach]

When my nephew was about two, he was having trouble getting the lid off a bottle. I took it from him and unscrewed the lid, and handed it back. Then I asked "what do you say?"

His reply: "Oh Sh**!!!!"

I WAS expecting something more along the lines of "thank you" but I had to laugh all the same.

[thegrammalady]

a friend of mine took her family to yellowstone one year. as they drove into the park they saw buffalo in a field. her husband pulled over and he and the older kids got out to look and take pictures. the 2 year old stayed in the car with mom, staring and staring. after a while he looked at his mom and said in a questioning voice "doggies?"

[kitkatz]

We took my daughter who must have been two or three years old,  into the cow barn at the local Orange Show to look at the animals.  The minute we walked into the barn and saw the cows she yelled "Moooies!"   We all cracked up.

[Chicken Little]

Here's one about a two year old who's a landlord.

A bit salty.

http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

They just released Pearl's out takes.  It must have taken forever the film this.    "I need to get my drink on" is my new favorite saying.   

http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=fca4861eb91876f70674

[goofynina]

Thank you for posting that  Chicken Little, i just love that little girl, is she Will's daughter?  i didnt know that, she's freaken adorable... and yes, i can relate with your saying my friend, so on behalf of Pearl, "Let's get our drinks on"   

[Chicken Little]

is she Will's daughter? 

She is his writing partner's daughter, the other guy in the video.  She is very cute.

[Falkenbach]

Oh gosh, how could I forget. I had this friend with a daughter, Nikki, aged about 6, and she has come out with some classics.

Nikki has a Catholic father and attends a Catholic school. So when she came home, upset over being teased by another girl, my friend thought "hmmm, what do I tell her? What's the proper, Catholic thing to do?"

So she said "Nikki, next time they tease you, tell them they'll have to go to confession and say Hail Marys". Well, having not done her communion yet, I guess that must have confused Nikki. She came home the following day saying

"I did it mum! I told those mean girls that if they didn't stop teasing me they'd get an ear infection and say hello to Mary".

  The kid is a corker.

[Hephs-little-lady]

Every thursday my dad, who is nearly 70, picks up my niece, Molly, who is 4, from nursery school. The other week, just after they got off the bus near my brothers house, Molly said "Grampy, we need to run coz i'm going to wee!" My dad told her to hold it and they rushed home. He sent Molly up to the toilet first as she instructed him to get out her red dress from the cupboard. After a couple of minutes, Molly came out of the bathroom holding one square of toilet roll in her hand and informed my dad that this is all she would use because he would need the rest! Thinking it must have been running out Dad went in and found the roll almost full! Next Molly comes marching into the bathroom and this is the exchange that takes place:

Molly: Oh, your standing up Grampy!
Grampy: Yes darling, I always do.
Molly: Oh.

Next she walks round to the side of him.....

Molly: Oh, you've got one of those things too!
Grampy: Yes, just like Daddy and J.
Molly: Mmmm, my friend alex at school has one of those too! He lets me see it.